I'm on vacation this week and as such I get out of bed about 11. I rub the sleep out of my eyes, wander down to the kitchen to get some hazelnut going and step outside to see if we still have a garden after last night's deluge. I'm examining my tomato plants (doing fine, thanks for asking) when I remember, "It's Iowa Day!"

Back inside I pick out a pear and dish up some greek yogurt to go with my coffee. I sit down in my chair, click the TV to the Big 10 Network and dig in to breakfast. Somewhere after my first spoonful of strawberry and honey goodness I hear a piano playing -- is that "Back Home Again In Indiana?" Must be a commercial.

Some coffee, a bit more yogurt, a bite of pear and a nibble on a whole-grain Wasa cracker. Who's this old codger on the tube? And why is he talking about engineering? Wait a sec, is that Purdue?

Folks, it turns out we've been hoodwinked. Iowa Day is worthy only of half a day on the Big Sham Network. And instead of tales of yore about Gable, Kinnick and Lickliter, I got Our Most Hated Rivals talking about science and other egghead shit.

I want to hear about the greatest athlete of all time going unscored upon at Munich. Who is this Neil Armstrong? What did he ever do?

Do you think Indianians and Purdooites would enjoy watching a documentary on the KKK during the Indiana and Purdue days? No, some of them would not. Why do we put up with this insult? This just about put me off of my breakfast/lunch. That's how upset I was.

Iowa Day is for Iowans, Big 10 Network. EYE-OH-AHNS. It's bad enough when football officials conspire against us each year when we play Northwestern. It's migraine-inducing when other Big 10 wrestlers are allowed to stall their way to victory against our all-conquering Hawks. At least give us a whole day on our day. THIS WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN!

I can't wait for the next Ohio State Day, when we get to watch specials about Art Schlichter, Desmond Howard, and the Cuyahoga River Fire.

Thanks for nothing, dicks.