The Adventures Of Butch Parker And The O'Keefe Kid

Hey, it's our belated tribute to Cinco de Mayo, BHGP-style...
Butchparkerokeefekid2_medium 

In the early morning hours at Casa O'Keefe...


Iconcell_medium BRRING BRRING

Iconokeefe_medium ... hello?  What time is it?

Iconnorm_medium IT'S KICKASS O'CLOCK, KENNY!  TIME TA RISE AND SHINE!

Iconokeefe_medium ...Norm?

Iconnorm_medium GOTDAMN RIGHT, IT'S OL' NORM.  GET YER ASS OUTTA BED, KENNY.  WE'RE TAKIN' A TRIP.

Iconokeefe_medium What?  A trip?  Where are we going?  Does Kirk need us to recruit?

Iconnorm_medium HAHA, NO SIREE, THIS AIN'T NO RECRUITIN' TRIP.  OL' NORM DOESN'T GO IN FOR THAT CIRCLE-JERK NONSENSE ANYWAYS.

Iconokeefe_medium Um, so where are we going?

Iconnorm_medium WE'RE GOING TA MEXICO!

Iconokeefe_medium Mexico?!  Good heavens, why would we go down there?

Iconnorm_medium EASY.  IT'S TIME TA MAKE A MAN OUTTA YOU, KENNY.

Iconokeefe_medium But I'm a man!  I'm 57!

Iconnorm_medium HAHA.  YER MIDDLE-AGED, BUT YOU AIN'T A MAN, KENNY.  LEASTWAYS, NOT YET YOU AIN'T.  BUT YOU JUST WAIT 'TIL OL' UNCLE NORM GETS THROUGH WITH YOU.

Iconokeefe_medium ...

Iconokeefe_medium So where are we going?  The sun and sands of Cancun?  I could use a little work on my tan, I suppose...

Iconnorm_medium CANCUN?  AW HELL NO, WE AIN'T GOIN' TO THAT TOURIST TRAP SHITHOLE WITH THE NUMBNUTS COLLEGE KIDS AN' THE OVERPRICED DRINKS. 

Iconokeefe_medium Nuts.  Don't tell Kirk this but I always wanted to let my hair down and go a little wild and crazy.  You know, untuck my shirt, drink non-virgin daquiris, stay out past 9pm...

Iconnorm_medium HAHA, WE'LL BE GETTIN' PLENTY WILD AN' CRAZY.  YER GONNA GET A TASTE OF THE REAL, AUTHENTIC MEXICO, KENNY.  WE'RE GOIN' TA TIJUANA!

Iconokeefe_medium (gaspsTijuana!  Holy smokes, isn't that where all the gangs and druglords are?

Iconnorm_medium AND THE WHORES.  DON'T BE FORGETTIN' ABOUT THE WHORES NOW. 

Iconokeefe_medium But Tijuana's dangerous, though!  Super-dangerous!

Iconnorm_medium DON'T YOU WORRY NONE.  OL' NORM AIN'T GONNA LET NOTHIN' HAPPEN TO YA.  NOW GET YER ASS READY, WE'RE LEAVIN' IN AN HOUR.

* * *

Later, at a hotel in Tijuana...

Iconnorm_medium DAMMIT, KENNY, AIN'T YOU READY YET?  TIME'S A-WASTIN' AND WE AIN'T BOOZIN' AND WHORIN' YET!

Iconokeefe_medium Well, I just want to look good!  You said we're going to a show!

Iconnorm_medium HAHA! IT AIN'T NO FANCY SHOW WE'RE GOIN' TO, KENNY.  WE'RE GOIN' TA A DONKEY SHOW!

Iconokeefe_medium Oh!  I love animals.

Iconokeefe_medium /steps out

Iconokeefe_medium How do I look?

Koknerdhotel_medium

Iconnorm_medium LIKE A FUCKIN' DICKHEAD.  PULL YER PANTS DOWN AN' PUT ON A SHIRT THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME WANT TA PUNCH YOU. 

Iconokeefe_medium /pouts

Iconokeefe_medium Fine.

* * *

Iconokeefe_medium Holy moley, Tijuana is crazy!  I think I saw a guy get stabbed on our way over here.  And that guy outside tried to sell me some booger sugar!

Normiconcoke_medium SNNNNNNFFFFFFFFF

Normiconcoke_medium OHHH YEAH, THAT'S THE STUFF ALRIGHT.

Iconokeefe_medium Norm!  That's cocaine!

Normiconcoke_medium OL' NORM JUST NEEDS TA GET THE PARTY STARTED RIGHT, KENNY.  GET THE OL' JUICES FLOWIN' AN' THE HEART POUNDIN' LIKE AN' F-18.

Iconokeefe_medium Well, it just seems danger -- oh, hey, there's the donkey!  Can we go pet it? 

Iconnorm_medium HAHA, I DON'T THINK YOU'LL BE WANTIN' TA DO THAT.

Iconokeefe_medium Why not, what's going to happen?  Hey, what's that young lady doing taking her clothes off --

Iconnorm_medium /chuckles

Iconokeefe_medium What's that donkey doing --

Iconokeefe_medium OH MY GOD

Iconokeefe_medium SWEET LORD JESUS

Iconokeefe_medium /vomits

Iconokeefe_medium /vomits again

Iconokeefe_medium What just happened?  What was that?  I mean, there was the girl -- and the donkey -- and --

Iconokeefe_medium /vomits

Iconnorm_medium HAHA, THAT RIGHT THERE WAS A DONKEY SHOW, KENNY! 

Iconokeefe_medium That was the show?!  But there were no showtunes!  There was no dancing! 

Iconnorm_medium YOU JUST NEED TA GET SOME BOOZE IN YA, THEN YOU'LL BE FINE.

Iconokeefe_medium Well, maybe a little alcohol is what I need to make me forget about that... can you get me a strawberry daquiri?

Iconnorm_medium HELL NO.  WE'RE MAKIN' A MAN OUTTA YOU, WHICH MEANS YER GONNA DRINK A MAN'S DRINK. 

Iconnorm_medium BARKEEP, TEQUILA AND LOTS OF IT! 

Mexitender_medium Si, Señor.

Iconnorm_mediumBOTTOMS UP, KENNY.

Iconnorm_medium /pounds back three shot glasses consecutively

Iconokeefe_medium (gulp)

Iconokeefe_medium Well, what's the worst thing that could happen?

Iconokeefe_medium /tips back shot glass

* * *

The next morning, back at the Tijuana hotel...

Iconokeefe_medium Ohhh...

Iconokeefe_medium Owww...

Iconokeefe_medium Norm, make this jackhammer in my head go away...

Iconokeefe_medium /gets up, heads to bathroom

Iconokeefe_medium /vomits

Iconokeefe_medium Well, I guess I should see about getting cleaned up and getting some breakfast...

Iconokeefe_medium /looks in mirror

Kokaine_mirror_medium

Iconokeefe_medium OH NO!  NOT YOU!  NO NO NO!  DR. FIELGUD GOT RID OF YOU!

Gamekok_thumb_medium I'M BAAAAACK

Iconokeefe_medium ohnononononononononononono

Iconokeefe_medium This is not happening this is not happening this not --

Gamekok_thumb_medium Oh, it most definitely is.

Iconcell_medium BRRING BRRING

Iconokeefe_medium That's not my ringtone.

Gamekok_thumb_medium I know.  I changed it last night after the tenth tequila shot.

Iconcell_medium BRRING BRRING

Iconokeefe_medium Hello?

Iconnorm_medium KENNY?  IT'S NORM.  I'M IN A BIT OF A PICKLE WITH SOME FEDERALES.  THINGS GOT A MITE OUTTA CONTROL LAST NIGHT WITH THE COKE AND THE LIQUOR.

Iconokeefe_medium What happened?

Iconnorm_medium IT'S ALL A BLUR, BUT I REMEMBER SOME BRAWLIN' AND PUNCHIN' A HORSE AND THEN RUNNIN' FROM A GANG OF ORGAN THIEVES AND COKE DEALERS.  OH, AND A DEAD WHORE, TOO.  SHE'S IN THE BATHTUB, I THINK.

Iconokeefe_medium /turns around, looks in bathtub

Iconokeefe_medium OH MY GOD

Iconokeefe_medium There's a dead prostitute in our bathtub, Norm!

Iconnorm_medium YOU DON'T GOTTA USE FANCY WORDS. 

Iconokeefe_medium But what are we gonna do? 

Iconnorm_medium WELL, I RECKON --

Mexicop_medium /KNOCK KNOCK

Mexicop_medium Señor?  La policía!  We would like to ask you a few questions.

Iconokeefe_medium ohmygodohmygodohmygod

Gamekok_thumb_medium You know what you have to do.

Iconokeefe_medium NO!

Gamekok_thumb_medium You don't have a choice.

Iconokeefe_medium NO!

Gamekok_thumb_medium Just give in.  Let me take care of things.

Mexicop_medium Señor?

Gamekok_thumb_medium Come on.  Do it.  Do it.  Do it.

Iconokeefe_medium ...okay.

[insert ominous sound signifying... something]

Gamekok_thumb_medium HAHA!  KOKAINE RIDES AGAIN!

/to be continued...

HOW WILL KEN O'KEEF -- er, KOKAINE GET OUT OF THIS JAM?

WILL HE BE IN TIME TO HELP NORM?

JUST HOW ARE THEY GOING TO GET OUT OF MEXICO?

AND HOW DID THE HOOKER DIE ANYWAY?

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