The Adventures Of Butch Parker And The O'Keefe Kid
by RossWB on May 6, 2011 1:00 PM CDT
in Batshit Insanity
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PrintHey, it's our belated tribute to Cinco de Mayo, BHGP-style...
In the early morning hours at Casa O'Keefe...
... hello? What time is it?
IT'S KICKASS O'CLOCK, KENNY! TIME TA RISE AND SHINE!
...Norm?
GOTDAMN RIGHT, IT'S OL' NORM. GET YER ASS OUTTA BED, KENNY. WE'RE TAKIN' A TRIP.
What? A trip? Where are we going? Does Kirk need us to recruit?
HAHA, NO SIREE, THIS AIN'T NO RECRUITIN' TRIP. OL' NORM DOESN'T GO IN FOR THAT CIRCLE-JERK NONSENSE ANYWAYS.
Um, so where are we going?
WE'RE GOING TA MEXICO!
Mexico?! Good heavens, why would we go down there?
EASY. IT'S TIME TA MAKE A MAN OUTTA YOU, KENNY.
But I'm a man! I'm 57!
HAHA. YER MIDDLE-AGED, BUT YOU AIN'T A MAN, KENNY. LEASTWAYS, NOT YET YOU AIN'T. BUT YOU JUST WAIT 'TIL OL' UNCLE NORM GETS THROUGH WITH YOU.
...
So where are we going? The sun and sands of Cancun? I could use a little work on my tan, I suppose...
CANCUN? AW HELL NO, WE AIN'T GOIN' TO THAT TOURIST TRAP SHITHOLE WITH THE NUMBNUTS COLLEGE KIDS AN' THE OVERPRICED DRINKS.
Nuts. Don't tell Kirk this but I always wanted to let my hair down and go a little wild and crazy. You know, untuck my shirt, drink non-virgin daquiris, stay out past 9pm...
HAHA, WE'LL BE GETTIN' PLENTY WILD AN' CRAZY. YER GONNA GET A TASTE OF THE REAL, AUTHENTIC MEXICO, KENNY. WE'RE GOIN' TA TIJUANA!
(gasps) Tijuana! Holy smokes, isn't that where all the gangs and druglords are?
AND THE WHORES. DON'T BE FORGETTIN' ABOUT THE WHORES NOW.
But Tijuana's dangerous, though! Super-dangerous!
DON'T YOU WORRY NONE. OL' NORM AIN'T GONNA LET NOTHIN' HAPPEN TO YA. NOW GET YER ASS READY, WE'RE LEAVIN' IN AN HOUR.
* * *
Later, at a hotel in Tijuana...
DAMMIT, KENNY, AIN'T YOU READY YET? TIME'S A-WASTIN' AND WE AIN'T BOOZIN' AND WHORIN' YET!
Well, I just want to look good! You said we're going to a show!
HAHA! IT AIN'T NO FANCY SHOW WE'RE GOIN' TO, KENNY. WE'RE GOIN' TA A DONKEY SHOW!
Oh! I love animals.
/steps out
How do I look?
LIKE A FUCKIN' DICKHEAD. PULL YER PANTS DOWN AN' PUT ON A SHIRT THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME WANT TA PUNCH YOU.
/pouts
Fine.
* * *
Holy moley, Tijuana is crazy! I think I saw a guy get stabbed on our way over here. And that guy outside tried to sell me some booger sugar!
SNNNNNNFFFFFFFFF
OHHH YEAH, THAT'S THE STUFF ALRIGHT.
Norm! That's cocaine!
OL' NORM JUST NEEDS TA GET THE PARTY STARTED RIGHT, KENNY. GET THE OL' JUICES FLOWIN' AN' THE HEART POUNDIN' LIKE AN' F-18.
Well, it just seems danger -- oh, hey, there's the donkey! Can we go pet it?
HAHA, I DON'T THINK YOU'LL BE WANTIN' TA DO THAT.
Why not, what's going to happen? Hey, what's that young lady doing taking her clothes off --
/chuckles
What's that donkey doing --
OH MY GOD
SWEET LORD JESUS
/vomits
/vomits again
What just happened? What was that? I mean, there was the girl -- and the donkey -- and --
/vomits
HAHA, THAT RIGHT THERE WAS A DONKEY SHOW, KENNY!
That was the show?! But there were no showtunes! There was no dancing!
YOU JUST NEED TA GET SOME BOOZE IN YA, THEN YOU'LL BE FINE.
Well, maybe a little alcohol is what I need to make me forget about that... can you get me a strawberry daquiri?
HELL NO. WE'RE MAKIN' A MAN OUTTA YOU, WHICH MEANS YER GONNA DRINK A MAN'S DRINK.
BARKEEP, TEQUILA AND LOTS OF IT!
Si, Señor.
BOTTOMS UP, KENNY.
/pounds back three shot glasses consecutively
(gulp)
Well, what's the worst thing that could happen?
/tips back shot glass
* * *
The next morning, back at the Tijuana hotel...
Ohhh...
Owww...
Norm, make this jackhammer in my head go away...
/gets up, heads to bathroom
/vomits
Well, I guess I should see about getting cleaned up and getting some breakfast...
/looks in mirror
OH NO! NOT YOU! NO NO NO! DR. FIELGUD GOT RID OF YOU!
I'M BAAAAACK
ohnononononononononononono
This is not happening this is not happening this not --
Oh, it most definitely is.
That's not my ringtone.
I know. I changed it last night after the tenth tequila shot.
Hello?
KENNY? IT'S NORM. I'M IN A BIT OF A PICKLE WITH SOME FEDERALES. THINGS GOT A MITE OUTTA CONTROL LAST NIGHT WITH THE COKE AND THE LIQUOR.
What happened?
IT'S ALL A BLUR, BUT I REMEMBER SOME BRAWLIN' AND PUNCHIN' A HORSE AND THEN RUNNIN' FROM A GANG OF ORGAN THIEVES AND COKE DEALERS. OH, AND A DEAD WHORE, TOO. SHE'S IN THE BATHTUB, I THINK.
/turns around, looks in bathtub
OH MY GOD
There's a dead prostitute in our bathtub, Norm!
YOU DON'T GOTTA USE FANCY WORDS.
But what are we gonna do?
WELL, I RECKON --
/KNOCK KNOCK
Señor? La policía! We would like to ask you a few questions.
ohmygodohmygodohmygod
You know what you have to do.
NO!
You don't have a choice.
NO!
Just give in. Let me take care of things.
Señor?
Come on. Do it. Do it. Do it.
...okay.
[insert ominous sound signifying... something]
HAHA! KOKAINE RIDES AGAIN!
/to be continued...
HOW WILL KEN O'KEEF -- er, KOKAINE GET OUT OF THIS JAM?
WILL HE BE IN TIME TO HELP NORM?
JUST HOW ARE THEY GOING TO GET OUT OF MEXICO?
AND HOW DID THE HOOKER DIE ANYWAY?
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Comments
I wouldn't have thought you could find pics of a TJ hotel on the interwebz.
I see I was wrong.
by Norm Parker's Amputated Toes on May 6, 2011 1:07 PM CDT reply actions
A fellow traveler, I see.
After having spent a lot of weekends from age 24-26 in TJ (lived in San Diego), I can confirm or deny some items alluded to here:
1) Donkey shows do not exist. We asked. After drinking, we asked often.
2) Whores are indeed in abundance. Kinda scary how abundant. Sex is as cheap as $10. Gross.
3) Coke is handed out like candy. It’s the Viagra that’s expensive.
4) It is indeed a very scary place in very sudden bursts
5) That hotel room is too clean to be from TJ
6) Almost every hotel does not have cable TV, but they do have one channel that comes in clear as day: porn
7) The local cops are easily bribed for about $50 for something like a DUI. Federales $100.
8) This is pure speculation, but I believe $1,000 in cash could easily get you out of one dead hooker in a bathroom.
I loved my time in TJ when I was a younger man. It’s like the Wild West. Truly spectacular. But now that I’m married with a child on the way I’ll never visit again.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 6, 2011 5:28 PM CDT up reply actions
Hat tip to you good sir
That was good shit
"If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be research." -Albert Einstein
by 6 seconds of hell on May 6, 2011 1:43 PM CDT reply actions
we can only hope
I didn't order assholes with my whiskey
by White Lightning on May 6, 2011 1:56 PM CDT up reply actions
You are the worst photoshopper ever.
Before you respond, let me remind you: Brian Cook called me smug, which makes me the Obama of smugness. I'm basically Smugbama.
I don't know...
the childlike cut and paste adds a certain something to the absolutely vulgar and insane content
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
by ClaybornSmash on May 6, 2011 2:57 PM CDT up reply actions
It's amusing
like when you hear a little kid drop an f-bomb
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
by ClaybornSmash on May 6, 2011 2:58 PM CDT up reply actions
Perhaps
But he is a very talented MS-Painter.
"They're not people, James Ingram. They're Jimmy Buffett fans."
by SomeJerkPoster on May 6, 2011 11:06 PM CDT up reply actions
Not really, but it's kind of you to say so.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Don't sell yourself short, Ross.
Weren’t you the one who MSpainted the “Ryan Field empty seats everywhere” file?
Or was that someone else?
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on May 7, 2011 9:26 PM CDT up reply actions
Ah.
Well, HFMR is a craftsman, as well.
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on May 7, 2011 11:42 PM CDT up reply actions
AND THE WHORES. DON'T BE FORGETTIN' ABOUT THE WHORES NOW.
I think I like this line best.
Whatever farm animal of war, Lana. Shut up!
How did the hooker die?
She was dead the minute she started walking those streets, the murder was just a formality.
I just kept thinking this should’ve ended with the Robert Goulet version of “South of the Border” as seen in the Tijuana ending of The Simpsons.
Good work.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
KOK with Ed Grimley's body = acid flashback
by Eyeheartfreedumb on May 6, 2011 3:38 PM CDT reply actions
Not Grimley, actually.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Nah, I GIS'd it and saw the clothing was slightly different
and was hoping you’d let slip who the body actually belongs to (it looks familiar).
by Eyeheartfreedumb on May 6, 2011 6:59 PM CDT up reply actions
It is a fairly famous nerd from a film.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
I didn't think it was Martin Short/Ed Grimley. I'm pretty sure he only wore short sleeves.
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on May 6, 2011 8:54 PM CDT up reply actions
GODDAMMIT
I was gonna say it looks SO familiar, but was instantly afraid it’d turn out to be a porn and I’d look like a guy who has porn memorized.
I’m a lot of things, but I’m not THAT guy (no offense iamalex).
I just watched Revenge a couple months back.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on May 6, 2011 10:11 PM CDT up reply actions
wait a minute...
what? I’m confused.
There is no way that Paki rushes for nine yards. -KenOKeefeIfuckinghateyou.
wait a minute...
I don’t see where I fit into this.
There is no way that Paki rushes for nine yards. -KenOKeefeIfuckinghateyou.
Chazz has a stunning eye and recall on visual subjects.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 7, 2011 12:18 AM CDT up reply actions
There is no way I would have guessed it without Ross saying it was a "famous nerd from a film."
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on May 7, 2011 1:22 PM CDT up reply actions
Well, he does love pictures.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on May 8, 2011 12:27 AM CDT up reply actions
They are worth a thousand words,
and two thousand Chizik nickles.
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on May 8, 2011 11:13 AM CDT up reply actions
It was sad when he died, from the jetwash.
They should have sent a poet.
by Bucketochicken on May 7, 2011 1:02 PM CDT up reply actions
Who died from a brain tumor.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on May 9, 2011 10:24 AM CDT up reply actions
In the BC&SDK pic at the top
KOK looks a lot like Vince McMahon.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on May 6, 2011 3:39 PM CDT reply actions
BRA FUCKING VO
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood..." - Teddy Roosevelt
LIKE A FUCKIN DICKHEAD
This is much funnier when read in the voice of the old cop (don’t remember his name) from Walker Texas Ranger.
Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man. - The Dude
by TheAntonioRamosProject on May 6, 2011 5:16 PM CDT via mobile reply actions
Best line by far
KOK: Don’t tell Kirk this but I always wanted to let my hair down and go a little wild and crazy. You know, untuck my shirt, drink non-virgin daquiris, stay out past 9pm…
I believe this to represent their relationship quite well.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
When they're dead they're just hookers Cyr, er, Ken!
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
by HoyaGoon on May 6, 2011 7:23 PM CDT via mobile reply actions
For future reference
I prefer this link whenever you want the Inception sound.
by iowaengineer on May 6, 2011 7:35 PM CDT reply actions 1 recs
Pretty sure 'Friday'
is probably KOK’s favorite song in real life. I can see him sitting in his car, tapping his steering wheel and singing along on his drive home.
I had your mom: Beer, beer.
by Murray'sBiggestFan on May 6, 2011 9:33 PM CDT reply actions
I can see him
sitting in setting his car on fire, humming that song, and smiling maniacally from the tension of repression imposed from above, as the firefighters arrive.
Then KOKaine would run off into the woods.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on May 6, 2011 10:16 PM CDT up reply actions
All I gotta say is that I'm glad that Brands is traveling with Norm and Fran
because I have a feeling that Brands really keeps Norm in line. My guess is that Norm and Fran would be like this, except Fran would be contributing ideas and not being a Debbie Downer.
You fuckers are insane....
which is why i keep coming back here
JoePa – coaching PSU 140 Characters at a time
You always know its a good site
When one of the categories for posts is “batshit insanity,” and it’s possibly the most frequently used tag
"There are few things graven in stone, except that you have to squat or you're a pussy." -Mark Rippetoe
by Brock8144 on May 7, 2011 7:50 PM CDT via mobile up reply actions 4 recs
Wishing you were here. XOXO
"Make it tasteful, but dongier" - Blackheartnopants
by Kluginator on May 7, 2011 9:09 AM CDT reply actions 6 recs
Gotta help turn this green.
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on May 7, 2011 1:24 PM CDT up reply actions
"Like a fuckin dickhead"
Nice Eastbound and Down reference there… These posts make my day.
Ahh, I missed that.
I know Norm has a personal stylist, and O’Keefe shoplifts his shit from the Fashion Bug.
"They're not people, James Ingram. They're Jimmy Buffett fans."
by SomeJerkPoster on May 7, 2011 5:48 PM CDT up reply actions
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