Caring Is Cretaceous: 2011 Iowa Football Recruiting Update (Now With More Dinosaurs)
by RossWB on May 4, 2011 11:00 AM CDT
in Batshit Insanity
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PrintIt's been a while since we had any news about Iowa's 2011 football recruiting efforts; fortunately, BHGP's top-secret INSIDE SOURCEZ have dug up some promising information on some potential members of this year's class. So without further ado...
OZZIE (VELOCIRAPTOR)
PROJECTED POSITION: Defensive end; unstoppable rushing the passer
PROS: Experienced pack hunter works well in team setting. Despite small size, able to go around, above, under, or straight through blockers. Definitely has a killer instinct.
CONS: All too willing to disembowel, dismember, decapitate, and otherwise demolish hapless players that get in his way, which would probably draw a few 15-yard unnecessary roughness penalties. Not that friendly with non-velociraptors.
DENVER, THE LAST DINOSAUR
(That's him in the center.)
PROJECTED POSITION: Offensive guard; questionable mean streak, but a big damn body to move on the line.
PROS: Is really, really big. Wide base will make him difficult to move off the line of scrimmage. Can perform impromptu rock concerts at halftime if necessary.
CONS: Wearing pink sunglasses seems to indicate the sort of "me first" attitude that's bound to get him in Ferentz's doghouse. Propensity to skateboard around campus seems very dangerous (to self and fellow students). Name seems misleading. Is friends with this kid, who wears the dumbest hat ever. What the fuck is that thing?
BOOG (THE MISSING LINK)
PROJECTED POSITION: Strong safety or linebacker; very raw coverage skills, but a powerful hitter.
PROS: Possesses phenomenal ape-like strength. Likes to hit things (usually with a club).
CONS: Possesses not-so-phenomenal ape-like intellect and limited communication skills. Is a little on the short side. Poor hygiene habits could make him an unpopular teammate. Not this guy or this guy.
MILOS (CENTAUR)
PROJECTED POSITION: ATH; anywhere he damn well pleases -- he has the strength, speed, and agility of a horse combined with the brainpower and dexterity of a man; what can't he do on a football field?
PROS: He's half-horse, half-man. He can run faster and jump higher than anyone else. He's nigh-impossible to tackle or block. He can catch. He can throw. And we all know horses can kick.
CONS: May not have great stamina. If he does get hurt, he's probably headed to the glue factory.
We can only hope that our long-held desire for a centaur player finally comes true this year.
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You say that like it's a bad thing
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 4, 2011 11:55 AM CDT up reply actions
I don't know if Iowa will be able to use a centaur who is prone to bouts of
staring introspectively into a luffa
Der Hoelle Rache kocht in meinem Herzen
I may have mentioned this here before
but one of BHGP’s most loyal readers was a finalist to be that very same Old Spice centaur.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on May 4, 2011 12:41 PM CDT up reply actions
Commenter or just a lurker?
Because now I want to guess who it would be
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 4, 2011 5:16 PM CDT up reply actions
Yes, fine.
It was not me.
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on May 4, 2011 6:58 PM CDT up reply actions
Lurker.
JO, you’ve got to get an account.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on May 4, 2011 8:20 PM CDT up reply actions
I don't think calling the guy that name is the way to get him to join.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 4, 2011 8:48 PM CDT up reply actions
You think he'd be upset that I used his initials
so that he can keep his anonymity if he so chooses?
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on May 5, 2011 8:52 AM CDT up reply actions
It's a pretty standard abbreviation for calling somebody a Jerk-Off
Just like when we call Prater a DB, it rings a bell in my head
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 5, 2011 9:37 AM CDT up reply actions
anonymity
is very hard for me to say.. tough pronunciation
carry on.
He sired a baseball team... An orchestra, if you count the bastards!
by SaturdayMorningKegStanzis on May 5, 2011 11:10 AM CDT up reply actions
Does Tyrannosaurus Wrecks have any eligibility?
DINOSAUR RACECARS! DINOSAUR RACECARS!
@jschnauzer
Bloggin' at http://joepasdoghouse.com
In actual CiC news, the Hawkeyes apparently extended an offer to Bryan Cox, Jr.
His dad – yes, the NFLer – just took a position with the Dolphins. Cox, Jr. will be transferring to St. Thomas Aquinas. I’m thinking that’s where Rudock went. Not sure. Probably wouldn’t matter anyway since Rudock won’t be there any longer but still.
Funny quote from a recent story about him: “I heard they have the best strength and conditioning coach in the country.” Yeah, I guess Doyle is still an asset.
In the past 10 years, just four team owners have not paid a luxury tax and are not on pace to pay one this year: Donald Sterling, Jerry Reinsdorf, Chris Cohen (Golden State), Bob Johnson (Charlotte).
Two owners’ teams averaged an operating income of over +$10 million per year while their teams have lost over 60% of their games: Donald Sterling and Jerry Reinsdorf.
Yes, Rudock went to St Thomas Aquinas
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
by ClaybornSmash on May 4, 2011 11:36 AM CDT up reply actions
My guess is they won't have to do a lot of work on the
flexor digitorum superficialis Muscle
Der Hoelle Rache kocht in meinem Herzen
Just pretend you read in the news the other day that Vince Vaughn was eaten by a dinosaur. I feel better just thinking about that headline!
Just another drifter who broke the law.
by ReadingRambler on May 4, 2011 11:54 AM CDT up reply actions
That hideous, seemingly useless hat is actually quite interesting. It appears to be a combination of two hat concepts: the Russian fur hats that one sees worn by hot, albeit ludicrously ditzy girls from Europe and a cool French Foreign Legion hat with a nifty neck covering. Useful for the freezing desert sands of LA.
Just another drifter who broke the law.
I keep changing it.
It was Kyle flipping Brady, now it’s back to good old Lenny Moore.
Just another drifter who broke the law.
by ReadingRambler on May 4, 2011 12:22 PM CDT up reply actions
I have no doubts that Ozzie will be the next Iowa DE terrormonster.
But I’ve read that Wes Bunting thinks his arm length will limit his chances to play at the next level.
by Touchdown Iowa! on May 4, 2011 12:07 PM CDT reply actions
Bah.
This is what Ozzie thinks of Wes Bunting.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Shaggy from Scooby Doo is also on the radar right?
I heard Iowa is high on Shaggy because of his similair looks to a late Iowa great
Shaggy was a hippy
Therefore a natural enemy to Ricky Stanzi. He merely looked like them to blend in and destroy their ranks from the inside.
He looks less like a hippy and more like a hobo to me.
And he doesn’t sing. As all train engineers know, only singing hoboes are the dangerous ones.
Just another drifter who broke the law.
by ReadingRambler on May 4, 2011 12:24 PM CDT up reply actions
Stanzi and his mother celebrating his letter of intent to Iowa 5 years ago
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 4, 2011 12:24 PM CDT up reply actions
That looks like a young Andy Samberg.
The one of the left.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on May 4, 2011 12:43 PM CDT up reply actions
The one on the right looks like a little bit like Scott Steiner
You were talking about her bolt-ons, right?
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 4, 2011 3:12 PM CDT up reply actions
Oh, I didn't even notice there was a woman in the picture.
I just saw this kid and the beer bottle.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on May 4, 2011 4:21 PM CDT up reply actions
To be fair, there's about a 50% chance that is not a woman.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 4, 2011 4:31 PM CDT up reply actions
Or at least 50% of her is not woman.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on May 4, 2011 5:07 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Pretty sure Ferentz still has a little-publicized bastard son playing 9-man football in SoDak
You got no fear of the underdog; That's why you will not survive!
by YouCanPutYourEddsInIt on May 4, 2011 12:30 PM CDT reply actions
Just what we need is more O-lineman with short arms
//Mel Kiper Jr’d
You got no fear of the underdog; That's why you will not survive!
by YouCanPutYourEddsInIt on May 4, 2011 12:37 PM CDT reply actions
Yes!
I’ve been clamoring for another Dinosaur since Robbie Sinclair ripped shit up for Hayden in the 1990s
by hawk6894 on May 4, 2011 12:45 PM CDT reply actions 7 recs
Sometimes I rec things because there is green in them, and would look cool with a green background.
This is not one of those times.
Hey Dolph, you look like I need a beer.
by Give Eddie a Beer on May 4, 2011 12:57 PM CDT up reply actions
Sorry, I was trying to imply that I was rec-ing it for its coolness.
Rec
Hey Dolph, you look like I need a beer.
by Give Eddie a Beer on May 4, 2011 2:45 PM CDT up reply actions
Remind me to stab those jerseys.
Ugh…so much ugh.
Just another drifter who broke the law.
by ReadingRambler on May 4, 2011 3:51 PM CDT up reply actions
I like those jerseys
Well, not the road ones, they are hideous. But I actually like the home version.
I'm not a fan of the wyngz away jerseys, nor of the present ones.
I feel like the home wyngz would look better with a different shade of yellow/gold. Because they still look a little pukey, at least in pictures (never went to a game live with them on).
So what if I tailgate to the NPR jazz station?
and quite ill-tempered
best of both worlds.
"Sometimes the truth gets in the way of a good story" - KF
by The Bacon Explosion on May 4, 2011 2:57 PM CDT up reply actions
Ummm hello...
Velociraptors had feathers, people. I expect these scientific write-ups to be accurate, guys. I mean, what am I paying you for??
My porn name is HogOfHawkness
Maybe the Velo is very concerned with dino-scaping
and has shaved the feathers off
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
by chitownhawkeye on May 4, 2011 5:25 PM CDT up reply actions
Hookers and blowjobs, right?
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Also, I refuse to accept that dinosaurs had feathers. It makes them so much lamer.
In this case, fuck science.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
by RossWB on May 4, 2011 5:48 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Went to an updated traveling dinosaur exhibit in Honolulu last month
Had all the latest feathered updates, including T Rex’s fuzzy young stage (It apparently had peach fuzz as a juvenile). I can say without a doubt they were lamer.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 4, 2011 5:54 PM CDT up reply actions
See? Feathers aren't badass.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Not on dinos
on some things though…
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
by chitownhawkeye on May 4, 2011 9:03 PM CDT up reply actions
How many times have I seen this pic on this website in the past 3 months?
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 4, 2011 9:08 PM CDT up reply actions
Because it's awesome
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
by chitownhawkeye on May 4, 2011 10:02 PM CDT up reply actions
IMO
Not enough.. yet.. I still laugh every time.
He sired a baseball team... An orchestra, if you count the bastards!
by SaturdayMorningKegStanzis on May 5, 2011 8:01 AM CDT up reply actions
To each their own, I guess
I’m still loving all the “Deal with it” stuff but I know that’s gotten old for some others
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 5, 2011 9:38 AM CDT up reply actions
It's been proven true many times over
(Please please please don’t make me regret that last one)
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 4, 2011 9:17 PM CDT up reply actions
I can't argue with this.
My porn name is HogOfHawkness
by HeartOfHawkness on May 4, 2011 6:13 PM CDT up reply actions
Science just needs to stop doing dumb shit like putting feathers on dinosaurs.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Sometimes I hate you guys so much
Science also made the platypus one of two venomous mammals. Hail science.
Der Hoelle Rache kocht in meinem Herzen
I thought Platypi and echidnae were their own Class and not mammals?
Or has that changed since I read The Ancestors Tale? Or did I just read that incorrectly? It’s been a while.
Also, wiki says there are 5 venomous mammals.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 4, 2011 8:55 PM CDT up reply actions
I guess I was including all the shrews as one thing, my bad.
The egg-laying mammals are the earliest diverging lineage mammals. Monotremes are a mammalian order.
Der Hoelle Rache kocht in meinem Herzen
Ah, I thought monotremes were their own Class
Or at least were classified as such previously.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 4, 2011 9:09 PM CDT up reply actions
They are covered with fur and have mammary glands
two important synapomorphies for the mammals
Der Hoelle Rache kocht in meinem Herzen
I do not know what that word means.
I will stop asking biology questions.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 4, 2011 9:12 PM CDT up reply actions
So a couple synapomorphies of BHGP readers would then be:
1) irrational love of Tim Dwight
2) elevated knowledge of collegiate wrestling
3) enlarged phalli (or love of such)
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 4, 2011 9:26 PM CDT up reply actions 3 recs
#2 might be an ancestral trait (i.e., symplesiomorphy)
given that some elevated wresting knowledge does exist outside of this blog, but otherwise, yes.
Der Hoelle Rache kocht in meinem Herzen
Change 2) to
elevated knowledge of Dinosaur Racecars
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 4, 2011 9:31 PM CDT up reply actions
It is not irrational!
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
by chitownhawkeye on May 4, 2011 10:05 PM CDT up reply actions
Had to rec this
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
by ClaybornSmash on May 5, 2011 9:33 AM CDT up reply actions
I can honestly say that the more people I meet who have met Tim Dwight
The less I love him. There, I said it. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t still do him though. There, I said that too.
So you're saying you shrewed a resurch...
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on May 5, 2011 9:23 AM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Did you know that the Nebraskan phrase “shrewed a resurch” was originally “I am very intelligent” in English?
Just another drifter who broke the law.
by ReadingRambler on May 5, 2011 9:25 AM CDT up reply actions
I thought it meant tossing a cell in a women's prison.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on May 5, 2011 9:28 AM CDT up reply actions
Here is a Nebraska fan reciting the Gettysburg Address in Nebraskan.
Just another drifter who broke the law.
by ReadingRambler on May 5, 2011 11:27 AM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Morphine often provides no help to alleviate the pain
caused by the venom of the platypus
Der Hoelle Rache kocht in meinem Herzen
I doubt it helps the mocking either
when you tell people that you were poisoned be a platypus.
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
by chitownhawkeye on May 4, 2011 9:07 PM CDT up reply actions
by a platypus
that should read
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
by chitownhawkeye on May 4, 2011 9:07 PM CDT up reply actions
I wouldn't mock you. Those things are badass.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 4, 2011 9:10 PM CDT up reply actions
Science also killed Pluto as a planet.
/squints eyes at science
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on May 4, 2011 8:55 PM CDT up reply actions
Hmm
Pluto, platypus. I sense a conspiracy. Damn plutocrats.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 4, 2011 8:56 PM CDT up reply actions
Yeah, you tell 'em!
I love that little, cold planet. Yeah, I called it a planet. It will always be a planet to me.
Whatever farm animal of war, Lana. Shut up!
by Carfino'sWay on May 4, 2011 10:12 PM CDT up reply actions
THANK YOU.
I mean what about those other little planets in the universe who had dreams of being classified as a planet, only to realize that they’re about the same size as Pluto and therefore aren’t “a planet” anymore.
/shattered dreams
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on May 4, 2011 10:18 PM CDT up reply actions
And yet your smaller image working
is exactly why Pluto is no longer a planet.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on May 5, 2011 9:24 AM CDT up reply actions
It's hard to convince scientists that you're a planet when you don't weigh anything.
Wait, how does gravity work again?
by Eyeheartfreedumb on May 5, 2011 4:11 PM CDT up reply actions
Whoa - That just made me launch into a 15 minute mental debate on weight vs mass and how planets are compared.
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on May 6, 2011 11:00 AM CDT up reply actions
My Very Excellent Mother Just Sat Under New...
new what? NEW WHAT? This is bullshit!
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 5, 2011 1:49 PM CDT up reply actions
Yeah, I spent 8 minutes while taking a shower last night trying to think of a new mnemonic device for the planets.
The best i could come up with was:
My very exotic mother just served us noodles.
Lame, right? Yep.
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on May 5, 2011 9:43 PM CDT up reply actions
The nuns at St. Anastasia taught us this one....
…Mary’s vaginal endometrial muscles just severed Uncle Ned’s penis.
"Make it tasteful, but dongier" - Blackheartnopants
by Kluginator on May 6, 2011 7:40 AM CDT up reply actions 3 recs
Morty Vinkelman's Elephant Mutilated Jason's Stupid Ugly Neck
They should have sent a poet.
by Bucketochicken on May 6, 2011 7:44 AM CDT up reply actions
Noodles: Exotic!
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 6, 2011 8:56 AM CDT up reply actions
I'm tellin' ya!
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on May 6, 2011 10:57 AM CDT up reply actions
Mark Vlasic and Eric Montross Just Saved Uzbekistan from Nigeria
Just another drifter who broke the law.
by ReadingRambler on May 6, 2011 9:03 AM CDT up reply actions
Look, I love science
my degree is there. That being said, the platypus is the drunken bar bet of evolution.
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
by chitownhawkeye on May 4, 2011 9:05 PM CDT up reply actions
Nah, it's just a less successful shark or croc.
It’s been the same since forever and survived until modern times. Must be doing something right.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 4, 2011 9:11 PM CDT up reply actions
(I know, I know)
but let’s be honest, island / isolation evolution can be really weird. Well, interesting is a better word, it’s interesting to see what things adapt or don’t adapt given differing evolutionary pressures.
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
by chitownhawkeye on May 4, 2011 10:07 PM CDT up reply actions
Case in point
the Hawaiian Silversword alliance evolved from the California tarweeds.
This
from this
http://i1229.photobucket.com/albums/ee465/Lycurgus09/holvir2b.jpg
Der Hoelle Rache kocht in meinem Herzen
I have seen both of these in the last month!
Hawaii definitely has some crazy plants and birds due to the special ecosystem.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 5, 2011 9:40 AM CDT up reply actions
Mascot of Chaminade, baby!
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on May 5, 2011 9:25 AM CDT up reply actions
When I saw the picture of Milos all I thought was
“Is your penis between your front arms or your back legs?”
“Yeah, where’s your penis?”
“Damnit, Jerry!”
Whatever farm animal of war, Lana. Shut up!
therealCatnuts likes this
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 4, 2011 8:56 PM CDT up reply actions
Something ive
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
by HoyaGoon on May 4, 2011 9:23 PM CDT via mobile up reply actions
Ugh, reply fail
Meant to say, Something I’ve always wondered about your user name: was there a “fake” Catnuts running around here at one point such that a distinction was needed? I mean I remember Chazz and Shake’n’Bake had the same Bob Sanders photo for a while, so there is precedent
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
by HoyaGoon on May 4, 2011 9:26 PM CDT via mobile up reply actions
I just know that it's such a popular nickname that I wanted to distinguish myself
or more, just an old poke at Twitterers that now is very dated.
(yes, it’s a nickname of mine in real life)
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on May 4, 2011 9:28 PM CDT up reply actions
Are you a neuticle salesman?
Therefore using your screenname to distinguish yourself from your product?
I saw on the Discovery Channel
that the dinosaur extinction was due to Rhabdomyolysis.
"Make it tasteful, but dongier" - Blackheartnopants
by Kluginator on May 5, 2011 12:05 PM CDT reply actions 12 recs
Dinosaurs were such pussies.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
by RossWB on May 5, 2011 12:18 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Maybe if they weren't all partying so much in the Jurrasic period, none of this would have happened.
Hey Dolph, you look like I need a beer.
by Give Eddie a Beer on May 5, 2011 12:24 PM CDT up reply actions 3 recs
That medal just cinches this for me.
You are like a modern day Michaelangelo.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on May 5, 2011 1:44 PM CDT up reply actions
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