We open inside Carver Hawkeye, where the BHBIGS wrestlers have been doing buddy stairs for an hour.
PackerHawk, BHNP and SMKS are all taking turns puking in the garbage cans stationed around the concourse.
BHNP wheels the garbage can over to where the team has assembled.
– "Lycurgus, front and center. Do you know why you guys have been running buddies for an hour? "
– "As the captain of this team, I expect you to be my eyes and ears when the team isn’t assembled. Isn’t that why you’re the captain? That’s a rhetorical question. If you’re doing your damn job, why in the blue hell am I getting phone calls and visits from Bloodjab Vint that you ass clowns are making panty raids to other blogs? Don’t we keep you busy enough here? What is rule number one in blog wrestling? NO DISTRACTIONS!! We’ve got a killer schedule coming up. We’re ranked number 3 in the blogoverse! And we’re out there with guys threatening to be suspended and possibly thrown off the team!! I won’t stand for it!!"
– "I understand, sir"
– "Well, your ‘harmless shenanigans’ are threatening to get this whole thing shut down! And get you guys expelled from the Blog. You don’t want that do you? I sure as shitfire don’t, I want to win a national championship. I want to crush BSD. I want to crush MGo. I want to crush them ALL! If we have to wrestle in goddam outer space to win a universal championship, I hope like hell you maggots can pass a NASA screening, because I want to win that, too!"
– "I’m going to pistol whip the next person that says shenanigans!"
(rips his pants off and buttons go flying)– Dammit guys, you’ve got to focus. Bloodjab Vint is serious. NO MORE VISITS TO OTHER BLOGS. Any further forays into other blogs will result in immediate suspension from the team, no exceptions! This isn’t the Steve Alford-era in Iowa hoopyball here. You can’t go all "Pierre Pierce" on another blog and still start the next game! He WILL shut us down. He WILL throw your asses out. He has the power, all you idiots have to do is give him the reason. He’s willing to let us play, but we’ve got to follow the rules. Beyond just that, I DEMAND YOU STAY FOCUSED AND AVOID DISTRACTIONS!!!
Team: "SIR, YES, SIR!"
Now, on to our preview.
It’s HATE WEEKEND! Clone Clown Chronicles is unable to field a team with their 6 commentariats. Therefore, we’ll be wrestling their slightly extremely more insane cousin. That’s right. Cyclone Fanatic is coming to Coralville. They’re bringing their best. They’re bringing their meanest. They’re bringing the biggest, strongest, and nastiest. And those are just their mat beaters. SEG and Hawkeyegirleye are going to have to be on the lookout for these rejects from the Ag program (and they weren’t trying to get in as students!). Their wrestlers are pretty damn good, too. They’re sitting right below BHBIGS in the rankings, Outermat has them ranked #4, MatRat has them ranked #5.
Our lineup for the meet will be as follows:
125: CW (1-0) CW takes on Jake Sullivan’s Revenge in a battle of 2 of the top ranked wrestlers in the blogs. JSR is 3-0 and currently ranked #4, while CW is ranked #7. Intensity and conditioning are going to be key here for CW.
133: kythom (2-0) Kythom comes in as the top ranked 133 pounder after his impressive win against OBNUG. He’ll be facing the master of original names, isu_fan, who is ranked #10. Isu_fan is very adept at adapting his styles to combat what his opponent does best, so kythom’s best offense is going to be unpredictability.
141: EnergizerHawk (2-0) I hope EH doesn’t mind wrestling girls, because he’s got Hilton Hussy this week. She was a walk on at Cyclone Fanatic and has ‘earned’ her way into the starting lineup by incapacitating her teammates. Watch yourself, EH!
149: BoilerHawk (2-0) The second of BHBIGS top ranked wrestlers faces off against his toughest opposition to date, istillbelieveincael, who comes in on a 3 match winning streak and is currently ranked #3.
157: Clayborn Smash (2-0) The talk all week has been the disrespect given to CS, who is ranked #12. He’ll get a chance to dramatically improve that, as he’s facing top ranked Eustachy’s Buzz.
165: RossWB (1-1) Ross will be a heavy underdog in this match, as he’s unranked and facing the #5 wrestler, HiltonMagic.
174: Swarley (0-0) A bit of a surprise here, as Swarley is making his season debut. His injuries sustained from the donkeycorn fiasco weren’t as bad as originally diagnosed. The big question is how will his strength be? His conditioning is solid, but he has only recently begun ramping up his strength training. He was seen chewing an ISU class directory and saying something about the worst 2 years of his life. His opponent is isuhousing, who has lost his last 2 matches and is in danger of losing his starting spot.
184: Dip Shit (0-1) Dip shit looks to make amends for his week one loss against JackTrice28902. JT is also not ranked, so this could be viewed as a total crap shoot.
197: PackerHawk (2-0) The third of BHBIGS top ranked wrestlers, PH comes in hot and will need to keep it going against an opponent that has out-scored his previous 3 opponents 47-3. This is going to be a slobber knocker!
HWT: Kluginator (1-0) Kluginator will take on AustenArnaud this week, which sounds more like it should be staged on a football field than at Kum and Go Mat in the Coralville Mall. Be that as it may, Klugs should have no trouble with AA, who’s shoots are as accurate as his namesake.
Disclaimer: The BHBIGS wrestling squad is being done strictly for fun to pass the time in the off season. None of us are affiliated with the writers/managers of BHGP in any way, beyond our membership here (even Ross – he’s had no input into these whatsoever). We’re all just really insane and bored. But mostly insane. Our actions are not meant to cause harm to anyone, fictional or real and any likeness to such people is strictly a coincidence. We sincerely apologize for our previous foray into Corn Nation. It WILL NOT happen again. No other bloggers were irreparably harmed in the making of this post. All names for the competition were made up by the author of this post, in keeping with the "No trolling" advisement. We greatly appreciate BHGP’s willingness to allow us to have our little fun and be the weird kids in the corner sniffing glue. You guys are great!