EL GUANO DE MURCIÉLAGO LOCURA!
Far away, in a deep dark dungeon of the NCAA headquarters, a man sits alone with a bank of computer screens, simultaniously replaying every game of March Madness, over and over. Already tired of Tatgate and Tresselmania, he has decided to seek out new violations to enforce, and so he watches tirelessly, calmly sipping a chilled coffee between pulls on his crack pipe.
He takes off his homemade Judge Dredd halloween mask to get a closer look at BYU. Something isn't sitting right about the way they exited the tournament, with their star scorer shrinking just enough for them to lose. Could point shaving be afoot here? He starts the game over.
/pre-game warm-ups of the Sweet Sixteen matchup between the Fightin' Smiths of Brigham Young and the Gators of Florida University
/an announcer speaks in low volume as the man scans the action on the screen
"...Jimmer seems ready today. His tiara seems a little too large, but our producers brought him a cake, so now he looks like he's getting in the zone. It's always a pleasure to watch him turn all of that pent up frustration into athletic prowess... I usually go home and rub one out for him after I watch one of his..."
/man tunes out Len Elmore and just listens when Gus Johnson is talking OHHHHHHHHH!
Jimmer Fredette: "Is this how Quinceañera feels?!"
/fastforwards through commercials
"What's that?" The man from the NCAA spies something, but he's not sure what it means. "I didn't notice him before. What's Tyler Motherfucking Sash doing in New Orleans at the NCAA tournament?"
"He seems to be talking to himself, if only I could hear what he was saying." The man's mind starts running through scenarios.
/uses technology that the government can't even afford
/twists knobs, pulls levers, hooks self up to electrodes, masterbates
"There, I think I've isolated the voice pattern. Let's have a listen to what Mr. Sash has to say."
I can't believe it! My whole time at Iowa and we never went to this? A tournament full of teams getting schooled by a guy named Jimmer? And they play the darn championship game on a frickin football field!
[Determined] I grew up watching Iowa basketball and I love the team too much to sit by and let this happen! Overtime!? I'm going to end this madness or my name isn't Tyler Jimmer-Jamming Sash!
LET'S GET MAD AGAIN!
/man hears something different
/rewinds, fine tunes the image, turns headphones way up
"My goodness" he says "it must've happened so fast that no one saw it. It makes so much sense now." A menacing twitch steals across his lips, curling them into a grotesque approximation of a human smile. "Well, well, well Mr. Sash. Could that be a violation?"
/puts Judge Dredd mask back on; replays
/a battle-cry cuts through the din