MARCHIFORNICATION, THE FINAL FOURNICATION: NO, REALLY, IT'S OVER

(Sorry for the delay.  We were waiting for this set piece to be ready.  We present today's Marchifornication finale without commercial interruption.)

When we last left Marchifornication...

Ferentzbeard_icon_medium /opens cell phone
Ferentzbeard_icon_medium /takes off mask
Iconcell_medium beep boop beep
Gamekok_thumb_medium It's done.  Pull the trigger.


Iconcell_medium You got it.  I'm ready.
Gamekok_thumb_mediumGood.
Iconcell_medium And then we'll split the title?
Gamekok_thumb_mediumI'm OK with a co-championship if you are.
Iconcell_medium OK?  It would be the first I've ever won!
Gamekok_thumb_mediumGood.  Make it happen.

Gamekok_thumb_medium This will show those two frat boys.  Marchifornication will finally be mi...
Siren_medium WEEEOOOOOWEEEEEOOOOOOWEEEEEEOOOOO
Breadman_icon_medium Hold it right there, KOKaine!
Gamekok_thumb_medium Commissioner Breadman!  No!
Breadman_icon_medium After an 18-day investigation that inexplicably took place over the course of a one-sentence phone call, you're under arrest for the murder of Ricky Stanzi by Hartylanche and the premature demise of AIRBHG and Matt Gatens.
Breadman_icon_medium Your Marchifornication days are through!
Gamekok_thumb_medium But...but...I was so close...I was going to...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Meanwhile, in Ames, Iowa...

Iconpollard_medium You got it.  I'm ready.
Gamekok_thumb_medium Good.
Iconpollard_medium And then we'll split the title?
Gamekok_thumb_medium I'm OK with a co-championship if you are.
Iconpollard_medium OK?  It would be the first I've ever won!

Gamekok_thumb_medium Good.  Make it happen.
Iconphone45_medium click


Iconpollard_medium /picks up stack of notecards
Iconpollard_medium OK, rehearse, Jamie.
Iconpollard_medium First, you dial the number.
Iconpollard_medium Then you ask for Gary Barta.
Iconpollard_medium When he answers, you ask if he has Bryce Cartwright in a can.
Iconpollard_medium If he says yes, you say he'd better go catch it.
Iconpollard_medium No, wait.  You say that he should let...FRED!  NO!
Hoiberg_medium /picks up "2005 Big XII North co-Runner Up" trophy
Hoiberg_medium /breaks it
Hoiberg_medium /realizes it is made of graham cracker
Hoiberg_medium /eats it
Iconpollard_medium /is a little inconsolable
Iconpollard_medium Concentrate, Jamie.  You get him to say yes, then you say...
Iconphone45_medium RING RING RING


Jamie Pollard has been eliminated by turtlecall.

Iconpollard_medium Fred, guess what?
Iconpollard_medium I got you a turtle for your team!
Hoiberg_medium Where's he transferring from?
Iconpollard_medium He's...I don't think he's transferring at all.
Hoiberg_medium I don't want him.
Iconpollard_medium But he's a talking...
Hoiberg_medium WAAAAA I DON'T WANT HIM WAAAAAAA
Iconpollard_medium Fred...
Hoiberg_medium WAAAAA
Hoiberg_medium /sits on floor
Hoiberg_medium /holds breath
Hoiberg_medium /passes out
Iconpollard_medium Sadpollard_medium


Iconpollard_medium/is inconsolable

Meanwhile, in Gary Barta's office

Iconbarta_medium HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA
Iconferentz_medium Turtlecalls are awesome.
Iconbarta_medium They always make me LAWL
Iconferentz_medium Um, we've been over this.  It's LOHL.
Iconbarta_medium Bullshit.  Oxford Dictionary said LAWL.
Iconferentz_medium Who cares what old British dudes say?  Know Your Meme says it's LOHL.
Iconferentz_medium I don't have time for this.  I need to go make up another fictional award to give to Chris Doyle.
Barta2icon_medium KIRK.
Iconferentz_medium Are you really going to pull rank?  Shit, I'm basically your boss.
Barta2icon_mediumNo rank.  No shenanigans.  One quick smirk for the fans...
Iconbarta_medium Iconbarta90_medium

Barta2icon_mediumAnd then we settle this, once and for all.
Breadman_icon_medium Winner gets Marchifornication.
Iconbarta_mediumIconferentz_medium What?  Commissioner Breadman?
Breadman_icon_medium KOK is locked up, Pollard has been defeated.  You two are all that remain.
Breadman_icon_medium Therefore, I decree that, by the powers vested in me as commissioner of Marchifornication, this is the final battle.
Iconferentz_medium It's about time, bro.
Iconbarta_medium Yeah. It's basically June.
Iconferentz_medium LOHL
Iconbarta_medium LAWL
Breadman_icon_medium ELL-OH-IT-IS-ON!

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Black Heart Gold Pants

You must be a member of Black Heart Gold Pants to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Black Heart Gold Pants. You should read them.

Join Black Heart Gold Pants

You must be a member of Black Heart Gold Pants to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Black Heart Gold Pants. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9347_tracker