The Ladies Football Academy Gets Real

Weightroom_medium

Iowa football weight room, June 18.  A group of women clad in black and gold sit on the floor.

Iconferentz_medium OK, ladies.  Let's get started.  I'm Kirk Ferentz.  I'm the head coach here at Iowa.  Welcome to the Iowa Ladies' Football Academy.
Iowawomen1_icon_medium Iowawomen2_icon_medium Iowawomen3_icon_medium Iowawomen4_icon_medium /polite applause
Iconferentz_medium Today we're going to teach you about the basics of football.
Iconferentz_medium We'll go through basic strategy and technique, and we'll give you a tour of the football facilities.
Iconferentz_medium Helping me with today's camp are some of our assistant coaches.
Iconferentz_medium To my left is wide receivers coach Erick Campbell
Campbell_icon_medium Good morning, ladies.  You can call me Coach Soup.
Iowawomen1_icon_medium Oh, he's cute.
Iowawomen2_icon_medium Yes, very cute.
Iconferentz_medium On my right is defensive backs coach Phil Parker.
Philparker_icon_medium /steps forward, waves politely
Iowawomen3_icon_medium I thought he only had one leg.
Iowawomen4_icon_medium They do amazing things with prosthetics these days.
Iconferentz_medium And in the back, we have...

Faintly, the opening chords of Night Ranger's "Sister Christian" play

Iconferentz_medium ...must be someone driving down Hawkins.  I was saying, we have...

The music gets louder as the song nears the first chorus

Iconferentz_medium ...I apologize, ladies.  I don't know where that is...

The song begins blasting from the weight room speakers as the doors fly open

Chrisdoyle_icon_medium MOTOR INN
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium WHAT'S YOUR PRICE FOR FLIGHT
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium AND FINDING MR. RIGHT
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium WOOOOO LET'S DO THIS THING

Iconferentz_medium Um, ladies, say hello to Chris Doyle, our strength and conditioning coach.
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium OHHHH THAT'S RIGHT LADIES
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium YOU SURE PLAYED LIKE LADIES LAST SEASON
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium TIME TO FIND OUT WHO 'ROUND HERE WANTS TO PLAY LIKE MEN
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium NOW EVERYONE DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY
Iconferentz_medium Chris, this is...
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium I'M JUST JOSHING HA HA
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium PUSHUPS ARE A TERRIBLE EXERCISE
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium THEY PLACE EXCESS STRESS ON THE LOWER BACK
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium ON YOUR FEET, LADIES
Iowawomen1_icon_medium Iowawomen2_icon_medium Iowawomen3_icon_medium Iowawomen4_icon_medium /stand up, look at each other confusingly
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium DO YOU WANT TO BE HERE?
Iowawomen1_icon_medium Iowawomen2_icon_medium Iowawomen3_icon_medium Iowawomen4_icon_medium Yeah.
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium I CAN'T HEAR YOU, LADIES
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium I SAID, DO YOU WANT TO BE HERE?
Iowawomen1_icon_medium Iowawomen2_icon_medium Iowawomen3_icon_medium Iowawomen4_icon_medium YEAH!
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium WE'RE GONNA FIND OUT.
Iconferentz_medium Chris, I don't think...
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium YOU!  NUMBER 47!
Iowawomen1_icon_mediumIowawomen2_icon_mediumIowawomen3_icon_mediumIowawomen4_icon_medium/raise hand
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium WHY ARE YOU ALL NUMBER 47?
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium BLONDIE!
Iowawomen3_icon_medium Yes, Coach Doyle?
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH?
Iconferentz_medium Chris, that's completely inapp...
Iowawomen3_icon_mediumI am so offended.
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium I ASKED HOW MUCH YOU WEIGH, YOU PANSY!
Iowawomen3_icon_mediumFine.  I weigh 115.
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium ONE HUNDRED FIFTEEN POUNDS?
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium YOU NEED TO GAIN WEIGHT, YOU GIRL
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium ONE HUNDRED SQUATS, 275 POUNDS, NOW!
Iconferentz_medium Coach Doyle, that's excessi...
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium SHUT UP, FERENTZ
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium DID YOU SEE HOW WE FINISHED GAMES LAST SEASON?
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium AND NOW YOU GIVE ME A MINIATURE MITCH KING AND EXPECT ME TO TURN IT INTO A DEFENSIVE TACKLE
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium WELL, THEN IT'S DOYLE RULES
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium THAT GOES FOR ALL OF YOU
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium WE'RE GONNA DO A HUNDRED SQUATS, THEN SOME SLED WORK, THEN A TEN-MILE RUN, THEN A SUDOKU PUZZLE
Iconferentz_medium Sudoku puzzle?
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium MENTAL DEXTERITY AND PROBLEM SOLVING ARE IMPORTANT SKILLS ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD AND THE FIELD OF LIFE
Chrisdoyle_icon_medium LET'S GO, LADIES.  TIME'S A-WASTIN'.
Iowawomen1_icon_mediumIowawomen2_icon_mediumIowawomen3_icon_mediumIowawomen4_icon_medium /squat 275 pounds
Iowawomen1_icon_medium /collapses
Iowawomen2_icon_medium /vomits
Iowawomen3_icon_medium /faints
Iowawomen4_icon_medium /breaks leg
Iowawomen1_icon_medium /rhabdo
Iowawomen2_icon_medium /rhabdo
Iowawomen3_icon_medium /rhabdo
Iowawomen4_icon_medium /rhabdo
Iconferentz_medium I knew this was a horrible idea.

All kidding aside, The Iowa Ladies' Football Academy is scheduled for June 18 in Iowa City, with all proceeds going to our friends at University of Iowa Childrens' Hospital.  It's $50 to get in, with another $300 in fundraising required.  There are also additional prizes for the best fundraisers.  It should be a great event for a great cause.  And we're like 98% sure nobody is going to get rhabdo.

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