FanPost

BHGP Wrestling: Friendly Fire (wrestle-off results)



125: Carfino'sWay wrestled off against Snacks, who was moved down to 125 again.

CW started off the match strong, taking down Snacks. In fact, it was a regular binge of offense as CW would take Snacks down and then let Snacks back up again. CW peppered Snacks with an a-salt of frenzied attacks. By the end of the first period, CW was up 8-4. Despite CW's early success, Snacks kept coming and eventually CW became over-extended. Snacks worked CW to a point of dehydration and, as her offense slowed, Snacks closed the point gap. The second period ended with CW up 10-7. CW started on top for the third and was able hold Snacks down for the rest of the period and hold on to win. Coach Brands will continue to evaluate both wrestlers in competition and is not willing to name a clear starter yet.

133: There was no wrestle off at 133, but an interview with kythom did reveal some interesting information about his past and the origins of his nickname, "the honey badge". As many of you know, kythom came to BHGP wrestling as one of the nation's top rated blog wrestling recruits, but, what many of you might not know, is that he was not always such a skilled wrestler. Early in his career, kythom was mostly a middling wrestler with respectable, but not outstanding, results. Then one summer, he was sent to South Africa to train with that nations' cricket team (cricket was his first love). While in SA, kythom came into contact with a honey badger that had escaped from a government laboratory and had been infected with a transgenic virus. In the scuffle that ensued, kythom was bitten in the face and hands before he was finally able to kill the badger with his cricket bat. He survived three days in the transvaal, living off of ants and the collected urine of bats. Following his rescue, kythom spent several weeks in hospital after experiencing severe pain and hunger. In the years that followed, kythom noticed that he was changing, his reaction time had quickened to speeds not seen in other people, his skin had toughened and he no longer felt pain as a normal human, his craving for honey had become immense and he ingested 1-2 gallons of the stuff per day, he was immune to the envenomation of hymenopterans, and he became vicious. Kythom eventually abandoned cricket when his teammates would no longer understand or tolerate his differences and he switched full time to wrestling where his ferocity has since served him well. Coaches Brands and Hamd have been extremely pleased with kythom's progress in the room and have no doubt that "the honey badger" will be on the hunt for a championship this season.

141: At 141, we had a wrestle off between The Mexican't and EnergizerHawk. Coach Brands said that the loser of this match would bump up to 149 to fill the spot left by Swarley' unfortunate unicorn-related injury.  Because The Mexican't did not want to miss work the match was held outside of his place of employment (not a Home Depot parking lot) where he is a hardworking, successful, and valued employee. Before the match began, a number of Mexican't's relatives showed up to give him support. They each showed up in separate vehicles (Toyota corollas, with the original paint job and clearance). The match started well for Mexican't when he scored the first take down off of a throw. However the points were taken back after The Mexican't, not wanting to steal a victory, admitted that he had grabbed Energizer's head gear on the throw. EnergizerHawk proceeded to dominate the match and was able to put The Mexican't in a spladle. The pain on Mexican't face was evident, but Energizer was deaf to his cries for mercy. The pin call came moments later. The Mexican't was gracious in defeat and then asked if Energizer would like to buy some oranges.

149: No wrestle off, no wrestlers

157: ClaybornSmash did not wrestle off. Instead, coach Brands put him in charge of transporting the body of Lincoln McIldonkey to the sculptor, where he will be made into a 2x life sized bronze statue to be placed in the front entrance of the Walcott, IA I-80 truck stop (the biggest truck stop in the world). The death of the majestic and slightly rapey creature hit ClaybornSmash particularly hard and he has since been very skeptical of Swarley's version of events from that fateful night ever since it was discovered that Swarley was in possession of viagra-laced peppermints.

165: RossWB shadow wrestled for four hours today, losing by a takedown in the final seconds.

174: SaturdayMorningKegStanzis was hung over and spent most of his workout with coach Hamd. The coach put him through a wicked "tenderloin" workout that he learned from his days at the Filling Station.

184: He spent most of practice trying to design coalescent models of historical demographics that could be statistically differentiated. Then he got his ass kicked by coach Brands for an hour or so. I have never seen so much crying.

197: PackerHawk wrestled off against Dip-Shit. PackerHawk showed up to practice in a singlet made entirely of leather with metal studs around the edges. I am still not sure how he was able to get in to or out of that contraption. The match went well for Dip-Shit early on. He got a couple of high crotch takedowns and was able to ride PackerHawk out for the rest of the first period. Strangely, PackerHawk, who has shown superior mat wrestling skills, was called twice for stalling and made little effort to get out from the bottom. In the second period, PackerHawk whispered something in Dip-Shit's ear and then signaled to the official that he was choosing top. As the period began, Dip-Shit looked visibly shaken and things began to spiral out of control for him as Packer locked up the ball-and-chain. After a number of cheap tilts and a particularly graphic saturday night ride, PackerHawk's hand was raised recording a technical fall. Coach thinks that Dip-Shit's ability is to important to the team and he will move him down to 184, to compete with Lycurgus.

285: We have three wrestlers at this weight: WaterlooChazz, Blackheartnopants, and Kluginator. Coach Hamd commented on the impressive display of "Hog Knuckle", as he called, when these three entered the room in their singlets. Kluginator, in turns out, was not really interested to serious contribution to the team, but instead spent the entire practice discussing the sexual proclivities of human unicorns and his own sexual preference for dwarves over hobbits. In the match between Chazz and Blackheartnopants there was no winner. Both failed to score a single point in over three hours of wrestling and the match was called due to mortal boredom. They didn't walk away with nothing, though. Each wrestler left with a serious rash from all of the skin to skin contact. The doctor says it will take a few days to heal and in the meantime neither man should eat anything fried or in frozen cream form.

 

There you have it. The results of the BHBIGS wrestle offs.

Unless otherwise expressly indicated by BHGP editors, this FanPost is strictly the viewpoint of the author and is not endorsed by BHGP in any way.

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