MARCHIFORNICATION: A NEW THREAT EMERGES
by Patrick Vint on Mar 9, 2011 2:30 PM CST
in Marchifornication
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Ca-caw? Coo-coo-ca-chaw! Coo-coo-ca-chaw! Ca-caw! Ca-caw! /flaps wings /walks into back alley /takes off mask
That was easier than I thought.
I really thought Gatens would be more difficult. Turns out I didn't even need to do anything. Gatens got PAKIBOMBED by proxy. Who's next? Who's gonna get the PAKIBOMB? /checks bracket
AIRBHG? Oh no. I can't beat AIRBHG. I'm gonna end up concussed. Or with a torn ACL. Or pregnant. OMG OMG OMG OMG
Pssst! AAAAAHHHHH OH NO OH NO OH NO I'M DEAD I'M DEAD I'M DEAD Psst! Over here! /approaches shadowy figure Paki...
You might not know me...but I know you!
I know you, Paki, and I know how you can beat Angry Iowa Running Back Hating God, and everyone else in Marchifornication. Who are you? You can call me...
Birk Berentz. What's your secret plan, Mr. Berentz? It's easy, Paki. What is more powerful than an AIRBHG, smarter than a Franimal, and faster than a DJK? Is this a riddle? No, it's not a riddle. It has an easy answer. Wait, wait, wait. I know this... It's that Trololo guy, isn't it? No, you fool! It's not the Trololo guy! It's...the social networks! Oh...I didn't really get that movie. NOT THE MOVIE! The internet! Facebook! Twitter! My coach says I can't use those. I'M NOT YOUR...I mean, he's not your coach anymore! You can use them as much as you want! But Mr. Berentz, how can I use Twitter to beat AIRBHG? He's omnipotent! Think, Paki. What does AIRBHG want more than anything? To destroy Iowa running backs. Right, but to what end? Destroying Iowa football. And what else could destroy Iowa football at any time? ...Bears? NO! Not bears! Information, Paki! Information can destroy Iowa football! If the secrets of Iowa football are revealed to the press, there's no telling what kind of damage it will do. Interesting. It's more than interesting, Paki. It's revolutionary. You can use the social networks to your advantage. You can disseminate the information that will destroy Iowa football. Just look what that Poggi kid did with one Facebook message. It almost brought the entire program down. Now imagine if you leaked all the secrets. You would beat AIRBHG at his own game! You would destroy Stanzi and DJK. Not even Barta would survive. The bracket would be wide open. MARCHIFORNICATION could be yours! And here is the best part, Paki. Go on... I have all the secrets! I can give them to you! Together we can destroy them all! MWAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!! Yes... Yes, this makes all the sense in the world. I can use my Twitter account, @PAKIBOMB! I can hashtag it all for easy location by my followers! Marchifornication will be mine! I can beat them! I can beat AIRBHG and Stanzi and Bloodpunch and all the rest of them! I can beat them all with...
PAKILEAKS!
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Yeeeeeeeeeeee haaaaawwwwww, Cornshoe rides agai....
WHAT? But you said “BOOM Motherfuckers”. Isn’t that…. but I thought… I’m so…
aw, fuck it.
PAKIBOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMB!!!
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 9, 2011 9:04 PM CST up reply actions
BOOOOOOOOOOOM
BITCHES
"If you're easily offended, we thank you for stopping by but ask that you turn your browser elsewhere." -- BHGP Disclaimer
by SaturdayMorningKegStanzis on Mar 9, 2011 2:38 PM CST reply actions
I really wish I could get twitter at work now...
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
My sump pump went out, and I'm supposed to see what a new one costs.
Instead I’m reading this laughing. Mrs. NPAT is not amused.
by Norm Parker's Amputated Toes on Mar 9, 2011 2:40 PM CST reply actions
This shit is fucking brilliant.
/mesmerized
"They're not people, James Ingram. They're Jimmy Buffett fans."
Well then.
It has begun.
"Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid - ever, because... this is just a ride."
Well this is gonna blow my whole predictor bracket idea to complete shit
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
(nods head)
You’ve been… MARCHIFORNICATION’d
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
by RossWB on Mar 9, 2011 2:46 PM CST up reply actions 1 recs
I think the whole idea of Marchifornication
blows any predictions to complete shit
"Sometimes the truth gets in the way of a good story" - KF
by The Bacon Explosion on Mar 9, 2011 2:47 PM CST up reply actions
I'm glad it's going to shit. You were getting all high and mighty, being 5-for-5
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 9, 2011 4:31 PM CST up reply actions
Clearly, he hasn't heard of the pubecheck.
Templeton Rye'd the Lightning.
by Smokin Herb Grigsby on Mar 9, 2011 4:32 PM CST up reply actions
IT CANNOT BE UNSEEN.... THE PUBES
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 9, 2011 5:13 PM CST up reply actions
The pubecheck made somebody's NCAA tournament pool "weird", if memor serves.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 9, 2011 7:22 PM CST up reply actions
Of course,
Because “Pelican Whore” is not evenly remotely weird.
by DrHenryKillinger on Mar 9, 2011 5:03 PM CST up reply actions
Congratulations!
You just made me snort twice at work, both times while it was completely silent. I was trying to hold in my laughter but then I read “Birk Berentz” and “Bears?” and out came the snorts.
Don’t you all know that I’m trying to hide that I’m not doing my job?
I like Berentz with that beard by the way. Excellent disguise. He’s getting sneakier every time.
What do you mean disguise?
"They're not people, James Ingram. They're Jimmy Buffett fans."
by SomeJerkPoster on Mar 9, 2011 3:15 PM CST up reply actions
Did I say disguise?
I meant who is that dashing, silver-faced fox? That’s obviously an entirely new character in this ever thickening plot.
Well...
yeah.
"They're not people, James Ingram. They're Jimmy Buffett fans."
by SomeJerkPoster on Mar 9, 2011 3:21 PM CST up reply actions
You just wait
we’ll find out that he’s actually Bob Zook
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
by chitownhawkeye on Mar 9, 2011 5:25 PM CST up reply actions
The #1 threat to our country
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
by chitownhawkeye on Mar 9, 2011 5:28 PM CST up reply actions
Meh.
Bears are easy to contain. You simply put up goal lines surrounding them because everyone knows the Bears can’t cross the goal line.
Bwahaahaha. I have more Bears jokes if anyone is interested. Carfino’sWay? Anyone? Buehler???
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood..." - Teddy Roosevelt
Hey KCP
thanks for the rec on Trailer Park Boys. Just started today on Netflix, loving it.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 9, 2011 7:18 PM CST up reply actions
No problemo dudarino.
In case you haven’t seen it Watch Instantly also has every episode of Arrested Development. I had never watched an episode until I found it on Netflix and burned through those mofos in a couple weeks. Well worth it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood..." - Teddy Roosevelt
Have definitely seen them
But will surely burn through them again. I am in lust and in love with Netflix Watch Instantly.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 9, 2011 9:07 PM CST up reply actions
So Baby Bear is in court in order to determine his custody following his parents divorce
and the judge asks him, “Baby Bear, do you want to live with your dad?”
He says, “No.”
“Well why not?”, asks the judge.
“He beats me.”
“Well, we can’t have that. So I guess you want to live with your mom then, huh?”
“No.”
“Well, why not?”
“She beats me.”
“Well, who do you want to stay with?”
“The Chicago Bears, they never beat anybody.”
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood..." - Teddy Roosevelt
I knew that one was next.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 9, 2011 8:14 PM CST up reply actions
So this bear walks into a bar
and says, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer.”
The bartender quickly replies, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to bears in this bar.”
“What the fuck is that? I’m a bear, now give me a damn beer.”
“I’m afraid I just can’t do that.”
“Oh yeah, well what if I were to eat that woman sitting right there. Would you change your mind then?”
“No, as a matter of fact I would not.”
/Bear eats woman
“What now fucker?”
“Well, now I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
“Why the fuck is that?”
“Because you’re on drugs.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“That was the bar bitch you ate.”
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood..." - Teddy Roosevelt
Wait, so this now includes general Bear jokes, not just Chicago Bears jokes?
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 9, 2011 8:56 PM CST up reply actions
To continue the religious theme from earlier today:
Why did the blond go to church? Because she heard there was a guy there hung like this:
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 9, 2011 9:10 PM CST up reply actions
Also: that stock photo looks like a skinny Matthew Berry
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 9, 2011 9:10 PM CST up reply actions
I hadn't hear that one before.
I may try that one out tomorrow and this weekend on some ladies.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 9, 2011 9:38 PM CST up reply actions
Goes well with a Father Nelson joke and this one:
What’s the difference between acne and a priest? Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re 13
OK, I will officially stop.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 9, 2011 10:02 PM CST up reply actions
I heard that one more like
Why would Jesus have been great at porn?
Because he was hung like this.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood..." - Teddy Roosevelt
You are tough to please.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood..." - Teddy Roosevelt
I love that movie!
And the acne joke is your winner tonight. It made me LAWL.
by Carfino'sWay on Mar 9, 2011 10:04 PM CST up reply actions
Everybody knows that.
Well, everyone but that missing Girl Scouts troop.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 9, 2011 7:29 PM CST up reply actions
Now, don't make me paranoid! I already scared the shit out of myself yesterday when I read there's a serial killer in Iowa.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 9, 2011 8:06 PM CST up reply actions
Where?
Is it the one along the Mississippi who pushes people into the water when they’re drunk?
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Mar 9, 2011 8:08 PM CST up reply actions
Yeah, I think that's the one. Where young men turn up dead in the river.
I think it’s called the Smiley Face murders, although I got too freaked out to keep reading.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 9, 2011 8:14 PM CST up reply actions
Unless you've been fooling us...
You won’t be a target.
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Mar 9, 2011 8:16 PM CST up reply actions
Um, that's all over the USA.
There are actually investigators looking into any kind of connection, cause the circumstances are eerily similar (profiles of the “victims” and a lot of other similarities between the scenes of disappearance and/or recovery of the “victims”). They are also trying to figure out if it’s a copycat thing or a connected group of people (though that seems unlikely to me).
At first I was skeptical, cause it seems crazy (I mean, duh, drunk college kid near a river), but now I’m just as curious as the investigators.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 9, 2011 8:24 PM CST up reply actions
I'm sorry, I'm going to have to throw out the:
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 9, 2011 7:35 PM CST up reply actions
Scientific study or it didn't happen!
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 9, 2011 8:03 PM CST up reply actions
Holy crap!
It’s the one guy in the Western Hemisphere who hasn’t seen Anchorman!
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Mar 9, 2011 8:05 PM CST up reply actions
Anchorman ≠ Scientfic Study
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 9, 2011 8:12 PM CST up reply actions
Oh, I haven't seen it. And I will also believe ANYTHING.
Which drives my engineer husband up the fricking wall.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 9, 2011 8:04 PM CST up reply actions
HOW IT POSSIBLE
that you haven’t seen Anchorman?
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
Yes, that needs to be accomplished ASAP
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 9, 2011 9:16 PM CST up reply actions
I started watching it, but couldn't finish it.
I get distracted easily.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 9, 2011 10:28 PM CST up reply actions
Ooh, shiny.
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 9, 2011 10:30 PM CST up reply actions
See that was the first joke I thought of because
I love lamp
I LOVE LAMP!
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 9, 2011 8:11 PM CST up reply actions
I ate your chocolate squirrel...
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Mar 9, 2011 8:49 PM CST up reply actions
Holy shit!
That’s why we got rid of the tennis courts?!?
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 9, 2011 6:52 PM CST up reply actions
"Robert Smith.....Robert Smith"
Iowa WR from ’83-86, not the guy from The Cure.
"They're not people, James Ingram. They're Jimmy Buffett fans."
by SomeJerkPoster on Mar 9, 2011 7:11 PM CST up reply actions
That is so beyond, it's beyond BEYOND PHOTOSHOP
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 9, 2011 8:13 PM CST up reply actions
It's an expression.
Just say thank you and know you did good.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 9, 2011 8:54 PM CST up reply actions
Oh I see what you meant.
Just remember that there are a lot of PAINT connoisseurs around here.
We recognize magic when we see it. (If I believed in the use of colon-based smiley faces I’d put one right here. But as John Lennon once said “I don’t believe in colon-based smiley faces, I just believe in me.”)
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 9, 2011 9:16 PM CST up reply actions
So, something about this picture (besides the obvious) has been bothering me. So I did some ferensic analysis.
Now, these are cubs attacking Historic Legendary Kinnick Stadium, but where there are cubs, the mother is never far behind. Which means our beloved homefield is in bigger peril than the photo demonstrates, when momma bear comes to wreck shop. I blew up the photo a little and suddenly
/music
HIGHWAY TO THE DANGER ZONE!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 9, 2011 10:05 PM CST up reply actions 1 recs
forensic
(meant to look that up before posting)
Also, insert “flyover” jokes here.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 9, 2011 10:06 PM CST up reply actions
Moments later.
HOCKEYBEAR NOOOOOOOO!
(Don’t ask about the color difference. Racially she’s pretty cool.)
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 9, 2011 10:58 PM CST up reply actions 4 recs
By the way: Copyright Reserved to EPIC IOWA.
Man, my section of seats got totally fucked by bear-bomb-fire.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 9, 2011 11:02 PM CST up reply actions
Yeah, the one up above is the HOCKEYBEAR fighter squadron off in the distance.
Momma Bear is nearby, even if you don’t see her, and she attacks swiftly and with a retractable, thermonuclear hockey stick.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 9, 2011 11:42 PM CST up reply actions
This might be even worse than Hockeybear, I mean, from a fan's perspective.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 9, 2011 11:46 PM CST up reply actions
Is that a white dude's veiny dick with arms and teeth?
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 10, 2011 1:39 PM CST up reply actions
That' is our beloved Mole Rat.
I’ts usually a Reading Rambler favorite to post.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 10, 2011 1:53 PM CST up reply actions
I missed Paki's shopped mouth on the big picture the first time through.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
Me too
I had to stare at it for awhile to figure out what was wrong with it. I could tell it was shopped but couldn’t figure out what had changed.
by A True Americanzi on Mar 9, 2011 3:33 PM CST up reply actions
I wondered why Pakibomb was suggested for me to follow on the twitters the other day.
But then I got distracted by something funny and forgot all about it.
Well played sirs, I knew there would be a twist but I did not see this coming. Herky is so innocent and what has been done to him is so very unsettling.
Nice try AIRBGH
but i’m not buying the Birk Berentz gig. I know it’s you.
by IDontUnderStanzi on Mar 9, 2011 3:36 PM CST reply actions
I was thinking that way too...
But if DAS PAKIBOMB is smart enough to be Captain America Herky, he can’t be dumb enough to fall for Birk Berentz, right?
Right????
by IowanInChicago on Mar 9, 2011 3:39 PM CST up reply actions
We can only hope
Perhaps AIRBHG’s weakness is in fact Running Backs and that’s why he’s Hell bent on destroying them. DAS PAKIBOMB may be the key……..
by Hank Thrasher on Mar 9, 2011 5:05 PM CST up reply actions
I have to admit...
I was expecting Birk Berentz to pull off a mask and reveal he was actually somebody else. I was having flashbacks to Mission Impossible 2.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 9, 2011 7:26 PM CST up reply actions
for this to work
DAS PAKIBOMB would have to be a running back.
"If you're easily offended, we thank you for stopping by but ask that you turn your browser elsewhere." -- BHGP Disclaimer
by SaturdayMorningKegStanzis on Mar 10, 2011 1:19 PM CST up reply actions
PAKIBOMB followed.
I knew there was a reason other than Kanye West and Amanda Palmer to finally join Twitter.
"There are no Pan Asian supermarkets down in hell, so you can't buy Golden Boy peanuts." - The Mountain Goats
ZOMG Amanda Palmer is on the twitters?
I have been listening to Yes, Virginia… for like the last three days now.
She is, and she posts a freakin' lot.
"There are no Pan Asian supermarkets down in hell, so you can't buy Golden Boy peanuts." - The Mountain Goats
Is that Gaiman's wife?
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Mar 9, 2011 4:58 PM CST up reply actions
He's her husband, yes.
Lucky bastard.
"There are no Pan Asian supermarkets down in hell, so you can't buy Golden Boy peanuts." - The Mountain Goats
People results for Pakileaks include....
@pakileaks and @paki_leaks, which I can only assume are not at all connected to Wikileaks and Pakistan.
"They're not people, James Ingram. They're Jimmy Buffett fans."
Also,
When I read “You can call me…” I thought for sure it was Kokaine.
"They're not people, James Ingram. They're Jimmy Buffett fans."
Who is this Birk Berentz and why does he seem so familiar?
with the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a man.
Why did I immediately think
Burt Bacharach when I read Birk Berentz…
Templeton Rye'd the Lightning.
by Smokin Herb Grigsby on Mar 9, 2011 4:31 PM CST reply actions
i believe i have coconcted
sans cock
the AIRHBG fix
we convince same to start a Jim Tressel Fan Club
might even call it tOSU Senators Club
the goal, to make up all the salary jimmy is going to lose with his
250k suspension penalty
and that coach Berentz
will replace sweatervest at tOSU
long live the pellican whore
I don't intend to upset folks with the way I write it just happens,,,
Goddamnit, I got lost in the middle again.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 9, 2011 4:40 PM CST up reply actions
stuck in the middle again with you?
stealers wheel? 1972?
i know i lived through it cause im still alive
but i dont remember much except beer and pussy and frisbee
long live the pellican whore
I don't intend to upset folks with the way I write it just happens,,,
"but i dont remember much except beer and pussy and frisbee ..."
I miss being 19
Sigh
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Mar 9, 2011 4:57 PM CST up reply actions
yes
and this land porpoise shit
with the hole on the wrong side
replete with pvc and close out valve
is overrated
forty years after that
is not exaclty what i envisioned
long live the pellican whore
I don't intend to upset folks with the way I write it just happens,,,
It's good you got in your kicks when you could.
It’s awesome you keep a good perspective on what you have.
by The Final Gun on Mar 9, 2011 5:33 PM CST up reply actions
ive got
life
the hawks
a good lady
a vivid imagination
and no need for stinking blue pills
love live the pellican whore
I don't intend to upset folks with the way I write it just happens,,,
Sounds damn fine to me. Keep on truckin, OhioHawk
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 9, 2011 5:53 PM CST up reply actions
yeppers
send em to my buddy
he’s a tOSU fan and has reservations
i still like the back of the tahoe with the
seats down to be honest
but without blankets i need an ambient air temperature
at least in the 50"S
which means april in sioux city
suppose there is a place on lower 4th still
long live the pellican whore
I don't intend to upset folks with the way I write it just happens,,,
by OhioHawk on Mar 9, 2011 5:57 PM CST up reply actions 1 recs
OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!
OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODaaaaaackkkk!(loses control of noose)
/choking game fail’d
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
Easy there, Carradine.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 9, 2011 7:29 PM CST up reply actions
Everyone pay attention!
THIS is the way you respond to today’s matchup. THIS!
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 9, 2011 8:28 PM CST up reply actions
Fucking McCann't is such a teacher's pet
Always has the right answers.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 9, 2011 9:17 PM CST up reply actions
What can I say?
I love INXS/Kung Fu.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 9, 2011 9:41 PM CST up reply actions
I actually do love INXS
Does that make me less of a man?
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 9, 2011 10:03 PM CST up reply actions
No way, they ruled.
I’ve always thought of them as the good U2.
"Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid - ever, because... this is just a ride."
by Bucketochicken on Mar 9, 2011 10:36 PM CST up reply actions
Except from the opposite side of the planet.
/kicks stone with hands in pockets
/shuffles away quickly
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 9, 2011 11:49 PM CST up reply actions
Oh yeah, exactly -
Both mid to late 80s pop/art rock, both from British protectorate-ish places, both with that iconic dreamboaty type frontman, etc. Two sides of the same coin, sorta.
Anyway, the point is that U2 sucks.
"Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid - ever, because... this is just a ride."
by Bucketochicken on Mar 10, 2011 6:02 AM CST up reply actions
I know, right?
Like, who’s to believe that John Goodman could land such a looker in real life?
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 10, 2011 9:54 AM CST up reply actions
Yesterday you broke the internet, now this.
Very disappointing.
by Carfino'sWay on Mar 10, 2011 10:09 AM CST up reply actions
...And you shall know us by the trail of blech!
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 10, 2011 10:16 AM CST up reply actions
I thought I would know you by the trail of dead?
by Carfino'sWay on Mar 10, 2011 10:34 AM CST up reply actions
I'm listening to them right now!
/coincidence’d
I'm giving up Lent for Science.
by Bucketochicken on Mar 10, 2011 11:23 AM CST up reply actions
Gah! The fucking page scrolled up as I was posting!
Now I’ve replied to the thread about fat guys and hot women under the INXS/U2 segment…oh, well, I stand by my comment here as well.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 10, 2011 9:56 AM CST up reply actions
Fucking U2
I was forced to buy tickets to go see them last year for my wife’s 30th birthday. Then they cancelled the tour, which seemed like a godsend. But THEN those cunts kept my money and rescheduled for this summer. Ugh. Fucking hate them.
by Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride on Mar 10, 2011 11:10 AM CST up reply actions
Oh, good. Now you'll get to see a band you didn't even want to see
but they’ll be just that much older.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 10, 2011 2:04 PM CST up reply actions
I would love it
if you were to go into INXS’s wiki and edited the entire entry down to just that sentence.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 10, 2011 8:34 AM CST up reply actions
I dot dot dot'd because that one actually crossed the line for me.
That doesn’t happen often. Weird.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 9, 2011 10:30 PM CST up reply actions
Oh, um, best Marchifornication post so far.
(resumes pantless, deceased state)
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
I don't know who this Birk Beretnz fellow is..
but I like the cut of his jib!
by DrHenryKillinger on Mar 9, 2011 5:07 PM CST reply actions
I would like to interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to give a PSA.
Supposedly today is National Steak and BJ Day. So pick up some meat and have it eaten, too.
Thank you.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 9, 2011 6:01 PM CST reply actions
Good wives would have already known this days ago.
by The Final Gun on Mar 9, 2011 6:03 PM CST up reply actions
I'm sorry, I was too busy blowing my husband every night this week to stay current on my internet memes.
He doesn’t mind.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 9, 2011 6:06 PM CST up reply actions
I'm starting to think your husband is Sasquach or a leprechaun.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 9, 2011 7:30 PM CST up reply actions
No, he exists. There is photographic proof.
Ask PackerHawk.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 9, 2011 8:09 PM CST up reply actions
I love Stephen as much as anyone
but having chosen him as a photo witness raises far more questions than it answers. Were they at IML together?
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 9, 2011 9:43 PM CST up reply actions
I don't know what IML is. But we're friends on Facebook.
And my husband is friends with me on FB, and we have many many pics of us together on there.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 9, 2011 9:50 PM CST up reply actions
Least likely man in America to cheat: SEG's hubby
Shit, you could go down to once a week and he ain’t finding that elsewhere
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 9, 2011 9:18 PM CST up reply actions
Yesterday was Fat Tuesday and International Women's day.
I celebrated by watching the movie Precious.
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
by C.I.owA on Mar 9, 2011 7:21 PM CST up reply actions 1 recs
I enjoyed that way more than I should have.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 9, 2011 7:31 PM CST up reply actions
It's alright, no one will judge you
I posted it on FB and the backlash…..it looked like Layne Bryant and Jenny Craig had a knife fight.
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
You know, someone could easily read that comment
to make it sound like Layne Bryant fits you.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 10, 2011 8:43 AM CST up reply actions
Hey!
Lay off one of the last remaining P90Xers
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 10, 2011 8:50 AM CST up reply actions
Ummmmmm...
about that. Tony and I had to take some time apart. I got really mad at the lack of progress and when the weather turned warmer I started running outside and remembered how much I hate working out inside. Since I have taken my time out I have lost more then I did when I was working out on the program. Figure that one out.
by Carfino'sWay on Mar 10, 2011 9:30 AM CST up reply actions
booooooo
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 10, 2011 9:30 AM CST up reply actions
I know, I know.
I am going to come back to him. I just needed some me time.
by Carfino'sWay on Mar 10, 2011 9:32 AM CST up reply actions
A Hall Pass in a fitness routine is probably as poor an idea as a Hall Pass in a marriage
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 10, 2011 9:35 AM CST up reply actions
It appears that did not come off the way I intended
I’ll welcome you back with open arms when you’re ready. Damn internet making me look more dickish than I am. I mean I am a dick, but wasn’t intending to be that time.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 10, 2011 9:37 AM CST up reply actions
How are you doing w/ your P90X?
The Fitness Hall Pass seems to be working, as I said i have lost more since the break than during the 6 weeks leading up to it. It must be a 7 week itch.
by Carfino'sWay on Mar 10, 2011 9:56 AM CST up reply actions
Doing pretty well
Truth be told, I had a 4-day pass myself when the wife’s parents were visiting to see her preggers belly.
Overall, I’ve completely lost the love handles and have made nice progress in my upper body and calves. I’m hoping for a completely flat belly at the end of 90 days but that’s looking less likely.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 10, 2011 11:12 AM CST up reply actions
It does not, it never has and it never will.
The only thing I have ever brought there was a ring, said ring turned my finger green.
by Carfino'sWay on Mar 10, 2011 9:28 AM CST up reply actions
Just bringing a ring into the store will turn it green?
Man, life hates fat chicks
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 10, 2011 9:31 AM CST up reply actions
Yet it lets fat and ugly dudes be the arbiters of attractiveness.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 10, 2011 9:46 AM CST up reply actions
Catholic men are PISSED.
"They're not people, James Ingram. They're Jimmy Buffett fans."
by SomeJerkPoster on Mar 9, 2011 6:05 PM CST up reply actions
NOPE!
always march 14th, one month after valentine’s day
by derp derp derp on Mar 9, 2011 6:11 PM CST up reply actions
Oh, it's actually a thing?
I guess all those dudes on FB are trying to fool their wives…
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 9, 2011 6:14 PM CST up reply actions
Well, every day should be steak and BJ day, amirite??
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 9, 2011 6:16 PM CST up reply actions 1 recs
I was shocked -- SHOCKED --
That some dudes have to beg for that.
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Mar 9, 2011 6:24 PM CST up reply actions
I feel sad when I hear about how women stop doing it once they get married.
Sorry, all you dudes who just want a good BJ. I’ll be thinking of you. But not like that. <3
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 9, 2011 6:31 PM CST up reply actions
Did you just console every man (of every persuasion) in the world?
dudes who just want a good BJ
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 9, 2011 8:41 PM CST up reply actions
All the dudes who just want a good BJ but their women (or men, whatevs) won't give it.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 9, 2011 8:52 PM CST up reply actions
SEG, most of us would be happy with a handy
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Mar 9, 2011 8:56 PM CST up reply actions
While handjobs are enjoyable...
especially fun techniques like the Fire Starter, Basket Weaver, and Rope Climb – blowjobs are my specialty. It’s like making out. But with a dick.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 9, 2011 9:54 PM CST up reply actions
You and my wife should be friends!
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Mar 9, 2011 10:04 PM CST up reply actions
SEG should be friends with everyone's wife/gf
Think of me like Yoda. But instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro- I'm Broda!
I meant that as in
Great Minds Think Alike
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Mar 9, 2011 10:08 PM CST up reply actions
I meant it as she'd be a good influence
Think of me like Yoda. But instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro- I'm Broda!
"I know this lady...
who says you should give me more BJs."
I’m not sure that would work out well.
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Mar 9, 2011 10:21 PM CST up reply actions
No, you just let the girls talk
while the men discuss politics over Brandy in the smoking room. And tip SEG $50 to bring it up
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 9, 2011 10:35 PM CST up reply actions
That sounds pretty shady, man.
Plus, women hate me.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 9, 2011 10:41 PM CST up reply actions
Shady was what I was going for there
With more than a hint of misogyny
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 9, 2011 10:44 PM CST up reply actions
They hate you because...
I fail to see why.
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 9, 2011 10:47 PM CST up reply actions
I've tried really hard to make female friends, but they never stick.
I can be myself more with guys (as evidenced by how at home I feel here)
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 9, 2011 10:57 PM CST up reply actions
Your first problem is trying to give them blowjobs.
Ladies don’t like that.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 9, 2011 11:05 PM CST up reply actions
Shit.
I guess I should also stop trying to touch their boobs.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 9, 2011 11:11 PM CST up reply actions
this is like my wife
minus the bjs
"If you're easily offended, we thank you for stopping by but ask that you turn your browser elsewhere." -- BHGP Disclaimer
by SaturdayMorningKegStanzis on Mar 10, 2011 1:28 PM CST up reply actions
Especially since it's
“I know this lady… uh, from the internet…”
"Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid - ever, because... this is just a ride."
by Bucketochicken on Mar 9, 2011 10:38 PM CST up reply actions
But the internet is always right!
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 9, 2011 10:39 PM CST up reply actions
I had a friend in the early who had never given her husband a BJ.
They had been married for like 6-8 years and had two kids. I tried to tell her she should do it that it would be worth it for both of them. She wouldn’t do it. Damn pent up Oklahomans, they don’t know what they are missing.
I dunno.
After 8 years I’d be really suspicious of her motives.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 9, 2011 9:45 PM CST up reply actions
Don't lie, you'd be shocked and amazed, not suspicious.
And you’d be wondering what you did to deserve it. Just like any of the rest of us would!
Think of me like Yoda. But instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro- I'm Broda!
Something about gift horse and looking it in the mouth.
Think of me like Yoda. But instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro- I'm Broda!
Well, if its like looking a gift horse in the mouth...
then maybe it wouldn’t feel so good.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 9, 2011 9:55 PM CST up reply actions
If you've been married to that for 8 years, you've got problems beyond BJ's.
Just sayin’
Think of me like Yoda. But instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro- I'm Broda!
I like you.
Please don’t make me explain it.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 9, 2011 11:07 PM CST up reply actions
beg?
ive never paid for it either
I don't intend to upset folks with the way I write it just happens,,,
Wizgerald has
(strangely I felt that this photoshop made more sense here than in their matchup)
by DJK's bongwater on Mar 9, 2011 7:28 PM CST up reply actions 4 recs
pakibomb followed, btw
Too afraid not to.
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Mar 9, 2011 7:23 PM CST via mobile reply actions
My first thought when I saw Paki's lip snarl was...
My, name, is Razor, Ramon, man."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood..." - Teddy Roosevelt
Don't you mean that it's just
TOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 9, 2011 9:01 PM CST up reply actions
Are you alluding to Hard Gay?
Because if so, I haven’t thought of him in forever.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 9, 2011 8:11 PM CST up reply actions
No.
I believe you’re thinking of this guy:
This was the original Razor Ramon:
And this is my favorite Razor Ramon:
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Thank you for clearing that up.
Yeah, I was thinking of Hard Gay, the first dude.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 9, 2011 11:36 PM CST up reply actions
He'd flick that toothpick right
in AIRBHG’s eye.
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Mar 9, 2011 8:59 PM CST up reply actions
Good one.
I shudder to think what would happen if Gadaffi lit a match within 20 feet of Scott Hall.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 9, 2011 9:40 PM CST up reply actions
Nash's mullet could douse the flames
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Mar 9, 2011 9:43 PM CST up reply actions
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