[EDIT: Yeah, so this happened and as a result what follows may lack a little truthiness. Just pretend it's from an alternate reality where things happened differently.]
[SCENE: The barren wasteland of the American Southwest, better known as... New Mexico.]
Well, not too bad. Just got done with another March situation, yessir.
Oh yeah? What region were you guys in? I must have missed it in all the hullaballoo over Butler and VCU.
Haha, oh man, those names today sure are crazy! How'd you do?
The Sweet 16? Hot damn, that's pretty good.
Lawyers! What kooks! My lawyer once tried to tell me it was discriminatory to only hire football coaches with rich, luxuriant mustaches.
I told that naked-lipped twit to shut his dirty whore mouth and find me some goddamn tax loopholes. Haha!
I don't mind telling you that it is my greatest regret as a human being that I cannot grow a respectable mustache. Just kills me.
Well, I'm in a bit of a pickle.
It's about Matty.
No, no, no. He, um, well... this is hard to say...
He... he left us. He's going to Missouri.
He took the head coaching job there today.
I know. We were pretty stunned. Purdue Pete won't come out of the corner. He just keeps rocking back and forth in the corner, begging for Matty to come back.
He said Missouri was an unbelievable, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity coughcoughandtheyregoingtopayhimashittonmoremoneycoughcough
Well, actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about...
Yeah. So, um, we need a basketball coach... and you're a basketball coach. And we're in Indiana ... and you're from Indiana...
Yep. I'm offering you a ticket back to the big time, Steve. A shot to get out of that small-time dog-and-pony show and get back to the bright lights and bustle of West Lafayette!
Plus, you'd really get to stick it to Iowa.
Iowa, who is the rival we hate the most in the entire universe. We hate them with the exploding passion of a million stars going supernova at the same time. Goddamn do we hate them.
And you'd get to stick it to Indiana, too.
That's not appealing to you? Really?
Steve, how many coaching changes have they made in the last ten years? And how many times have they seriously considered you?
They don't love you anymore, Steve. They don't want you.
I know. But the best thing you can do now is get revenge. And there's no better way to get revenge than to come to beautiful, vibrant West Lafayette, take over our basketball program, and ram it down their candystriped asses.
GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING YEAH!
Who should we call next? I think I have Todd's number around here somewhere... I'm gonna tell him that Florida Gulf-Coast is just down the road from Indianapolis.