The Purdue Coaching Search: OMHR Makes The Call
by RossWB on Mar 30, 2011 1:00 PM CDT
in Batshit Insanity
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Print[EDIT: Yeah, so this happened and as a result what follows may lack a little truthiness. Just pretend it's from an alternate reality where things happened differently.]
[SCENE: The barren wasteland of the American Southwest, better known as... New Mexico.]
"partyin' partyin' (yeah)"... Hello?
Steve? It's Morgan Burke, Purdue athletic director. How's it goin'?
Well, not too bad. Just got done with another March situation, yessir.
Oh yeah? What region were you guys in? I must have missed it in all the hullaballoo over Butler and VCU.
Er, Region 1. The, um, upper left one.
Haha, oh man, those names today sure are crazy! How'd you do?
Well, we got to the Round of 16. And then we came up just a little short.
The Sweet 16? Hot damn, that's pretty good.
Well, my lawyer informs me we can't actually, uh, refer to it as the Sweet 16; the NCAA lawyers get a little touchy about that.
Lawyers! What kooks! My lawyer once tried to tell me it was discriminatory to only hire football coaches with rich, luxuriant mustaches.
...
I told that naked-lipped twit to shut his dirty whore mouth and find me some goddamn tax loopholes. Haha!
...
I don't mind telling you that it is my greatest regret as a human being that I cannot grow a respectable mustache. Just kills me.
So, uh, why'd you ring me up, Mr. Burke?
Well, I'm in a bit of a pickle.
Uh-huh.
It's about Matty.
Did he finally have a heart attack? I told him to lay off the brats. Bro was looking pretty bloated --
No, no, no. He, um, well... this is hard to say...
Okay.
He... he left us. He's going to Missouri.
Wait, what?
He took the head coaching job there today.
Wow. I mean... wow.
I know. We were pretty stunned. Purdue Pete won't come out of the corner. He just keeps rocking back and forth in the corner, begging for Matty to come back.
Yikes. Wasn't he an alum?
(long sigh)
Ouch.
So why'd he leave?
He said Missouri was an unbelievable, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity coughcoughandtheyregoingtopayhimashittonmoremoneycoughcough
Well, I understand a thing or two about once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. I mean, that's why I'm in Albuquerque. Yessir, I sure do love it here.
Well, actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about...
Oh?
Yeah. So, um, we need a basketball coach... and you're a basketball coach. And we're in Indiana ... and you're from Indiana...
Are you... are you offering me the Purdue head coaching job, Morgan?
Yep. I'm offering you a ticket back to the big time, Steve. A shot to get out of that small-time dog-and-pony show and get back to the bright lights and bustle of West Lafayette!
Plus, you'd really get to stick it to Iowa.
Yeah! Fuck those guys!
Iowa, who is the rival we hate the most in the entire universe. We hate them with the exploding passion of a million stars going supernova at the same time. Goddamn do we hate them.
Uh... yeah!
And you'd get to stick it to Indiana, too.
oh god oh god oh god
That's not appealing to you? Really?
Well... if I coach you guys, don't you think I'll burn any last bridges I've got there?
Steve, how many coaching changes have they made in the last ten years? And how many times have they seriously considered you?
...
They don't love you anymore, Steve. They don't want you.
Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right. It just hurts to admit it.
/sniffles
I know. But the best thing you can do now is get revenge. And there's no better way to get revenge than to come to beautiful, vibrant West Lafayette, take over our basketball program, and ram it down their candystriped asses.
Yeah!
YEAH!
HELL YEAH!
GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING YEAH!
So when can you get a contract over here for me to sign?
How about...
THE DAY AFTER NEVER!
what?
HAHA! SUCK IT, STEVE! YOU'LL NEVER GET BACK TO THE BIG TEN. HOPE YOU ENJOY GREEN CHILES AND TURQUOISE, MOTHERFUCKER.
/hangs up
...sonofabitch.
Fucking Barta. Hate that guy.
Ahh... that felt good. Right, Fran?
Yep.
Who should we call next? I think I have Todd's number around here somewhere... I'm gonna tell him that Florida Gulf-Coast is just down the road from Indianapolis.
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Good to see Bloodpunch and Coach Fran getting along so well
"Sometimes the truth gets in the way of a good story" - KF
by The Bacon Explosion on Mar 30, 2011 1:07 PM CDT reply actions
Do you ever think Bloodpunch looks at this site? And if so, do you think he cracks up?
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
Sadly, I almost hope he doesn't.
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 30, 2011 9:58 PM CDT up reply actions
This is excellent
and the reason Bloodpunch will continue to get my votes for Marchifornication.
"If you're easily offended, we thank you for stopping by but ask that you turn your browser elsewhere." -- BHGP Disclaimer
by SaturdayMorningKegStanzis on Mar 30, 2011 1:08 PM CDT reply actions
I concur.
Whatever farm animal of war, Lana. Shut up!
by Carfino'sWay on Mar 30, 2011 2:39 PM CDT up reply actions
The Galloping Grinner
rides again!
Yee Haw!
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 30, 2011 3:32 PM CDT up reply actions
And I just ripped off Clayborn Smash.
Yee I’m Sorry Haw!
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 30, 2011 3:32 PM CDT up reply actions
Exactly.
Sorry Dinosaur World of Outlaws.
"They're not people, James Ingram. They're Jimmy Buffett fans."
by SomeJerkPoster on Mar 31, 2011 2:13 AM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Is T-Rex the Steve Kinser of the DWOO?
"Use their guts to lubricate our single leg attacks!" - Lycurgus
by ReadingRambler on Mar 31, 2011 7:54 AM CDT up reply actions
I love all of Bloodpunch's prank calls
but this may be my favorite. Awesome.
by KilometersDavis on Mar 30, 2011 1:12 PM CDT reply actions
Hope you enjoy green chiles and turquoise...greatness
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
by C.I.owA on Mar 30, 2011 1:21 PM CDT reply actions 2 recs
Yes, that was an amazing one-liner
I must say, though, that the photo stretching of the faces was a little jarring. Damn you computers.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 30, 2011 1:24 PM CDT up reply actions
Yeah, sorry about that.
I was having some trouble with those photos.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Agreed, that's a money line if ever there was one
Like, well fuck my two dollar pants.
jtothetweet
"Cats been getting hookups on tatts since back in '01". - former buckeye Antonio Pittman
I recall driving through New Mexico and Arizona and thinking
what the hell did we buy this land for? If you’ve seen one red rock formation, you’ve seen ’um all.
Whatever farm animal of war, Lana. Shut up!
by Carfino'sWay on Mar 30, 2011 7:52 PM CDT up reply actions
Very much this.
Picturesque my butt. It’s just boring.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 30, 2011 11:46 PM CDT up reply actions
But, but, but...
White Sands is kinda cool.
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 31, 2011 9:59 AM CDT up reply actions
Two words:
Salt River Canyon.
Bring a trusty chauffeur, because it is difficult to admire the beauty and not plunge your vehicle off the 4000-foot drop that seems like it is about 10 feet from you car at times.
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 31, 2011 5:32 PM CDT up reply actions
I'm just bitter from the various times I have driven to the Grand Canyon
As my pappi says the only way to see the Grand Canyon is from the bottom up. I’ve seen it that way twice, driving from IA and then from KS. Long boring drive both ways.
Whatever farm animal of war, Lana. Shut up!
by Carfino'sWay on Mar 31, 2011 6:53 PM CDT up reply actions
Every country needs a place to blow stuff up
I wish my fireworks-loving neighbors would move there too.
I give Ross nightmares.
by Feelin' Orney on Mar 31, 2011 9:52 AM CDT up reply actions
Sitting outside on my patio looking at my pool and the palm trees when it's 70 degrees in February
That’s why we bought Arizona. That, and driving three hours north to ski at 10,000 feet and return home to 70 degrees, without touching a shovel.
Don Nordmann, we hardly knew ye
Yeah...
That’s one reason I miss living in PHX.
by DrHenryKillinger on Mar 31, 2011 11:13 AM CDT up reply actions
Santa Fe or Taos
February is only 50, but the ski areas are less than 30 minutes away. Plus the summers rarely get above the mid 90s and the locals complain about 25% humidity.
We bought New Mexico for everything north of I-40. South of 40? Meh. Seriously, if you haven’t been to Taos you’re missing out. If you have been to Taos and didn’t love it, I don’t want to be your friend.
Damn you Ross, now me ears are bleeding from that GOD AWFUL song.
On a brighter note, this was my favorite line:
Lawyers! What kooks! My lawyer once tried to tell me it was discriminatory to only hire football coaches with rich, luxuriant mustaches.
All hail a rich, luxuriant ’stach!!
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
That is an AMERICAN-MADE song. From an American music factory.
"They're not people, James Ingram. They're Jimmy Buffett fans."
by SomeJerkPoster on Mar 31, 2011 2:14 AM CDT up reply actions
lol steve alford
He wouldn’t go to Purdue. They don’t openly hate their football team enough.
I've got the brains. You've got the looks. Let's make lots of money.
This.
Also, how much of a “basketball school” can you be if you don’t pony up the dough to keep an alum who wins 20+ games each year?
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 30, 2011 3:36 PM CDT up reply actions
There are very few BCS schools that would be intentionally hostile toward a winning football program
Kansas is a terrific recent example. I suspect Indiana would be. Maybe Duke too.
So those are the only places I could actually see Alford wanting to go. Of those, Indiana has made it clear they don’t want him. Coach K has Paterno-level job security at Duke. Kansas? Maybe. They’ve already made due with one Big Ten reject, and pretty much said “don’t let the door hit you on the way out” to a guy who was basically Bill Self minus the one National Title, so I could see it.
I've got the brains. You've got the looks. Let's make lots of money.
I don't think they felt that way about Roy Williams.
But, there are few BCS-level schools where basketball is king. You mentioned most of them. Maybe UNC, Arizona and UCLA too, to a slightly lesser extent. Oh yeah, and Iowa State.
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 30, 2011 4:53 PM CDT up reply actions
Arizona and UCLA
have been good at football before, though, and find being good at football preferable to sucking at it. UNC openly wants to be good at it. I’m not so sure Kansas, Indiana, and Duke feel the same way.
I've got the brains. You've got the looks. Let's make lots of money.
sure i agree with Kansas in this group
They did pull the plug on Mangino in the wake of the Leach firing. It’s not like they fired him for no reason.
People hated Mangino.
And frankly Kansans couldn’t care less about football. If they need to the root for a football team they will root for KState and some even root for MU. Shhhh don’t tell anyone that last bit.
Whatever farm animal of war, Lana. Shut up!
by Carfino'sWay on Mar 30, 2011 7:54 PM CDT up reply actions
I really don't know why I didn't see that coming
but boy am I glad it ended that way!
Now you ain't gonna come up here and steal Pepper Jack's best ho.
This
For some reason I had absolutely no idea it would go down that way. I’ve only been visiting for like the last year and half. I’ll figure it out at some point.
"There are few things graven in stone, except that you have to squat or you're a pussy." -Mark Rippetoe
by Brock8144 on Mar 30, 2011 2:06 PM CDT via mobile up reply actions
From the moment the phone rang I started having to choke back laughter.
I knew it was only a matter of time until Bloodpunch was smiling at me. I must say, though, that I’m disappointed in the lack of small Bloodpunch picture next to large Bloodpunch picture.
I’ll get over it.
"There are no Pan Asian supermarkets down in hell, so you can't buy Golden Boy peanuts." - The Mountain Goats
yeah
little bloodpunch next to big bloodpunch is the best.
"If you're easily offended, we thank you for stopping by but ask that you turn your browser elsewhere." -- BHGP Disclaimer
by SaturdayMorningKegStanzis on Mar 30, 2011 6:42 PM CDT up reply actions
Yep.
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 30, 2011 8:56 PM CDT up reply actions 2 recs
Barta and Fran
Just conducted a little business on Alfraud’s ass.
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Mar 30, 2011 2:18 PM CDT reply actions
well, that is awesome.
mainly because it’s so realistic. and it’s nice to see fran in on the action usually reserved for ferentz.
Steve Alford is Rebecca Black's biggest fan.
He also looks kind of like Simon Cowell
Brunettes not fighter jets
The Douche-fu is strong in these two
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 30, 2011 2:50 PM CDT up reply actions
That is...dreadful.
Before you respond, let me remind you: Brian Cook called me smug, which makes me the Obama of smugness. I'm basically Smugbama.
by Patrick Vint on Mar 30, 2011 4:02 PM CDT up reply actions
Finding out that my school almost hired Lickliter just scared the shit of me.
Even though we hired a coach two days ago.
Who says American music is dead?
Oh, wait. Everybody.
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 30, 2011 3:48 PM CDT up reply actions
mwahahahahahahahahahaha
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
This made me click on brring brring.
2.2 million dislikes is impressive
"Among the safe ways to pursue truth is the putting of experience ahead of any reasoning, we being sure that any fallacy must reside in the latter at least covertly." -- Galileo Galilei
by EastLosRandy on Apr 19, 2011 10:27 PM CDT up reply actions
Something wrong on Twitter? Call the authorities!
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 30, 2011 3:30 PM CDT up reply actions
LIES DAMNED LIES
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Fun, fun, fun, fun, lookin' forward to the off-sea-son...
You got no fear of the underdog; That's why you will not survive!
by YouCanPutYourEddsInIt on Mar 30, 2011 7:57 PM CDT reply actions
Looks like Matty chose the back seat...
"They're not people, James Ingram. They're Jimmy Buffett fans."
by SomeJerkPoster on Mar 31, 2011 2:40 AM CDT up reply actions
Random astronaut sighting FTW!
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Random astronaut?
That is Purdue grad Neil Armstrong I’ll have you know!
/H&R’d
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
by ClaybornSmash on Mar 31, 2011 9:12 AM CDT up reply actions
Right.
Next you’ll tell me he “walked on the moon.” As if.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
You're a conspiracy theorist, are you?
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 31, 2011 10:00 AM CDT up reply actions
That's exactly what "they" want you to think.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to put my hat on.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Your name is "Ketch"
A small break in the internet veil of secrecy.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 31, 2011 10:59 AM CDT up reply actions
Where's Orville?
"Among the safe ways to pursue truth is the putting of experience ahead of any reasoning, we being sure that any fallacy must reside in the latter at least covertly." -- Galileo Galilei
by EastLosRandy on Apr 19, 2011 10:25 PM CDT up reply actions
Sorry, Ross - you got
’d
And for once, it happened to someone other than our own fans.
Not gonna lie, when I saw the headline, my first thought was Lickliter and a prank call.
Didn’t see Alford coming though.
Think of me like Yoda. But instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro- I'm Broda!
BBRRING BRRRING GODFUCKING DAMNIT THAT IS SO MUCH FCUCKING BETTER THAN JUST RIIIIING
I spend fucking hours staring at onomatopoeia trying to come up with something clever for the sound of someone getting up suddenly or the sound of rushing water or the sound of someone texting on their phone THAT I COMPLETELY FUCKING NEGLECTED THE NORMAL ONES LIKE A PHONE RINGING AND MADE THEM ALL PLAIN LIKE DING DONG FIR BELL RING AND SHITZ
GODDAMNIT
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 31, 2011 1:14 PM CDT reply actions
You're... welcome?
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
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