MARCHIFORNICATION ROUND 1: JAMIE POLLARD vs. COACH BABY
by Patrick Vint on Mar 3, 2011 12:00 PM CST
in Marchifornication
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Print#3 SEED: JAMIE POLLARD
What Have You Done? Got a call from Jim Delany...only, no, he didn't. Got a call from the NCAA...only, no, he didn't. Got a call from a bowl rep...only, no, he didn't. Got a call from Gene Chizik...only, no, he didn't. Let Royce White on campus. Hired Coach Baby. Was inconsolable.
#6 SEED: COACH BABY
What Have You Done? No, seriously, Coach Baby...what have you done? The garbage can is turned over, the stapler is in the sink, there's glue in the carpet, and everything is covered in a fine layer of chalk dust. Bad Coach Baby! BAD COACH BABY!
Fred, come over here and take a picture.
/eats Elmer's Glue Fred, I'm not gonna ask again... /turns away from Pollard, continues eating paste FRED /picks up Fred I DON WANNA TAKE DA PICTURE /squirms Stop!...Squirming!... JUST TAKE THE DAMN PICTURE
/is inconsolable
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Gotta be Coach Baby
That way he can be inconsolable and it would still be cute.
I got 99 donuts cuz a bitch ate one.
by Pain in the Sash on Mar 3, 2011 12:02 PM CST reply actions
Pollard
Has there ever been any one person to ever be hilariously prank called as much as Pollard (besides Moe from the Simpsons)?
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
Holy fuck, that picture of Pollard is just, ellipse.
I have no idea why I missed that.
Hey Dolph, you look like I need a beer.
by Give Eddie a Beer on Mar 3, 2011 2:34 PM CST up reply actions
Pollard has had too stong of a "performance" this year
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
I agree.
But baby jokes are almost as funny as short jokes, old people jokes, and women jokes.
"Hi, I'm Bob Evil!"
by ReadingRambler on Mar 3, 2011 12:20 PM CST up reply actions
But you have to take Baby's incredible flower jeans into account.
"Hi, I'm Bob Evil!"
by ReadingRambler on Mar 3, 2011 12:26 PM CST up reply actions
And paper chains.
FUCKING PAPER CHAINS!
I rest my case.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 3, 2011 2:49 PM CST up reply actions
THis is why he CANNOT win.
It would be like Charlie Brown finally kicking the football, or Wiley Coyote finally catching the Roadrunner.
It just can’t happen. Jamie Pollard is the OPPOSITE of Parker Lewis.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 3, 2011 12:39 PM CST up reply actions
Marchifornication is the supreme vehicle for Eyeheart's madness
He has been on his game all week.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 3, 2011 12:47 PM CST up reply actions
But wouldn't it be entertaining to see Wiley's confusion when he finally catches the roadrunner
“I’m like a dog chasing a car… I wouldn’t know what to do if I caught it!”
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
by ClaybornSmash on Mar 3, 2011 12:50 PM CST up reply actions
the whole scene around that line seems much more appropriate as from Bloodpunch to an inconsolable Pollard
Choke/Clutch is the fetishization of the small sample size.
"Man is still the most extraordinary computer of all and women are even cooler" JFK
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfmkRi_tr9c
Choke/Clutch is the fetishization of the small sample size.
"Man is still the most extraordinary computer of all and women are even cooler" JFK
which is why
we must push him into the finals, giving him a false sense of victory…only to pull the carpet out from under him at the last possible second
/inconsol’d
Oh, *fuck you*! I'm not the rope-totin' Charlie Bronson wannabe that's getting us fucking lost!
by Scrotie McBoogerballs on Mar 3, 2011 12:50 PM CST up reply actions
has there been a photoshop of him
as charlie brown. It needs to happen.
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
by chitownhawkeye on Mar 3, 2011 4:57 PM CST up reply actions
Ask and you shall receive.
From the personal library of Coach Baby
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 4, 2011 12:17 AM CST up reply actions
Perhaps this is more what you had in mind.
I kinda like Barta with the Betty Page haircut.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 4, 2011 12:57 AM CST up reply actions 5 recs
Wow
She faked his face right off.
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
by chitownhawkeye on Mar 4, 2011 1:01 AM CST up reply actions
Parker Lewis and Herman's Head have been referenced here in the last 24 hours.
I feel like I’m living in a flashback.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
I brought up Prince of Thieves and Predator in Rambler's NIM
Flashback is on for me.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 3, 2011 12:55 PM CST up reply actions
I ain't got time to bleed.
Hey Dolph, you look like I need a beer.
by Give Eddie a Beer on Mar 3, 2011 2:58 PM CST up reply actions
Arvid Engan & Dennis Blunden are gonna feel left out...
Gorilla Warrior Jackhammer Sauce.
by Bucketochicken on Mar 3, 2011 12:55 PM CST up reply actions
I didn't have the first Parker Lewis reference
but I sure did jump on it when I had the chance. Man, I loved early Fox shows.
Get a Life, yes
but Herman’s Head? Yikes…
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 5:37 PM CST up reply actions
Um, because it was awesome.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 5:44 PM CST up reply actions
Get a Life was AWESOME
If you liked that show you might check out Eagleheart on Cratoon Network
by DrHenryKillinger on Mar 4, 2011 9:39 AM CST up reply actions
I remember the Herman's Head where he went on a date with a girl from The Brady Bunch.
Most people I know don’t even remember the damn show.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 3, 2011 2:53 PM CST up reply actions
That show was great.
Just kidding, it wasn’t, but Fox was one of the only channels I could get on the TV in my room.
The guy who played Herman is now on Justified. That is why I brought it up last night.
Oh, I remember.
Especially since the “Fat Guy” in Herman’s head was decked out in tOSU gear. Oh, and Yeardy Smith showed why she does mostly voice work and not live acting.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 5:38 PM CST up reply actions
Yet her finest work
was as the blood-spattered newlywed in the righteously awful “Maximum Overdrive”.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 7:01 PM CST up reply actions
No, that's an argument for why he can't win the big prize (MARCHIFORNICATION itself).
If you let him get a series of smaller triumpths, though, it makes his ultimate failure even sweeter.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Those whom the gods would destroy
they first elevate.
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
That's a little too highbrow for these parts.
More like Set Em Up and Knock Em Down
[Note: Don’t blame me if the links suck. The first was funny, though I don’t have audio here. The second was necessary due to the name, but again I don’t have audio- – though the video looked pretty epic. The third link just seemed to fit, though it isn’t OMG LOLZ hilarious or anything.]
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 3, 2011 3:04 PM CST up reply actions
A little clarification.
I didn’t mean he had to win the whole thing. Just this round. Jamie clearly is not man enough to take out dinasour race car drivers. VROOOMROOAARRR
Not even close, Pollard.
If Coach Baby was a member of the all little person A-Team (or a-Team) picture that I just saw; then just maybe.
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
100% This right here.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 3, 2011 1:23 PM CST up reply actions
This is by far the most difficult matchup for me.
I see by the comments so far that I am the only one that feels this way. Coach Baby or Inconsolable? That is a toughie.
Pollard is the easy choice but it must be my double X chromosome that has me pulling for Coach Baby. Usually babies don’t have this kind of effect on me.
Nope total tossup for me too.
It feels like a lose-lose decision. So… go… Baby?
Gorilla Warrior Jackhammer Sauce.
by Bucketochicken on Mar 3, 2011 12:52 PM CST up reply actions
So you're saying to juggle babies?
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
by chitownhawkeye on Mar 3, 2011 4:58 PM CST up reply actions
#WINNING Pollard. How is this poll even close?
Well, it’s Marchifornication where anything can happen.
Gotta be the Inconsolable One
That way, he can face Bloodpunch in a grudge match for the ages.
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
I have to go with Pollard
Wife and I swore off babies after the 2nd kid started walking. I am not going back to changing diapers and shoveling tiny spoonfuls of disgusting mashed up vegetables.
Damn you super sperm!
Damn you super sperm!
Classic
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
by ClaybornSmash on Mar 3, 2011 1:32 PM CST up reply actions
Wait, you mean this guy?
Gorilla Warrior Jackhammer Sauce.
by Bucketochicken on Mar 3, 2011 1:42 PM CST up reply actions
Capable of leaping buildings with a single bound
and defeating birth control.
Damn you super sperm!
by Feelin' Orney on Mar 3, 2011 2:13 PM CST up reply actions
mmmm
I almost made a reply, but then decided that it would be a bad choice :/
and that's another Hawkeye first down... EHAWW!!
Since when has that stopped anyone here?
Damn you super sperm!
by Feelin' Orney on Mar 3, 2011 2:31 PM CST up reply actions
Ok, ready?
i may have ate him on saturday night…
… wait… what?
and that's another Hawkeye first down... EHAWW!!
by HawkPocket on Mar 3, 2011 3:04 PM CST up reply actions 1 recs
Wait, you still had fun after sitting through that game?
(I’d wondered where you were going due to the “mmmmm” subject line.)
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 3, 2011 3:08 PM CST up reply actions
SEG status?
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 3, 2011 3:24 PM CST up reply actions
You may have eaten sperm?
Or Pollard?
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 3:29 PM CST up reply actions
Pollard of course!!
I don’t know what everyone else is talking about!
and that's another Hawkeye first down... EHAWW!!
My 2nd thought
Hide your wives!
Damn you super sperm!
by Feelin' Orney on Mar 3, 2011 2:33 PM CST up reply actions
That pic + your sig line = teh awesomes
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 3, 2011 3:09 PM CST up reply actions
As if his enormous quads weren't enough
he has a Bloodpunch shit eating grin.
If Chris Doyle could genetically engineer a football player, it would start with that dude.
Damn you super sperm!
by Feelin' Orney on Mar 3, 2011 3:15 PM CST up reply actions
There'd be a huge controversy when our S&C coaches started ripping tails off of players during workouts.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 3, 2011 3:17 PM CST up reply actions
Gregg Doyel's head would explode
and all would be right with the world.
Damn you super sperm!
by Feelin' Orney on Mar 3, 2011 3:25 PM CST up reply actions
If I had it my way I'd have like six kids.
Being pregnant is awesome. So I voted for the baby.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 2:41 PM CST up reply actions
My wife hated being pregnant
and made me aware of it every chance she got.
Now when Baby Coach grows into Toddler Coach…my vote may change.
Damn you super sperm!
by Feelin' Orney on Mar 3, 2011 2:47 PM CST up reply actions
I had terrible morning sickness until 16 weeks, so much that I lost 20 lbs in my first trimester
But everything after that was awesome.
TMI ALERT
Sex while pregnant is 4573372322x better than normal.
*END TMI ALERT
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 3:27 PM CST up reply actions
Only 4.57 trillion times better?
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 3, 2011 3:30 PM CST up reply actions
It still hurt for me.
Oh, wait, when he gave it to you! Haha…er…move on further down the thread everyone! Nothing to see here!
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 3:33 PM CST up reply actions
Wait. It hurt for you?
I think you’re doing it wrong.
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 3, 2011 3:34 PM CST up reply actions
Or very, very right
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 3, 2011 3:36 PM CST up reply actions
This stuff will make you a goddamned sexual Tyrannosaur
Hey Dolph, you look like I need a beer.
by Give Eddie a Beer on Mar 3, 2011 3:50 PM CST up reply actions
What, you mean like having a giant head and tiny little arms?
I’m not sure you thought that comment through very well ;-)
by DrHenryKillinger on Mar 4, 2011 9:45 AM CST up reply actions
I'm still shooting Predator quotes at Catnuts
However, in this day and age, that could also mean you will turn into Cougillsaurus, or a racecar driver.
Hey Dolph, you look like I need a beer.
by Give Eddie a Beer on Mar 4, 2011 10:07 AM CST up reply actions
Jesus, a 3-day old page and I was still beaten by seconds to the incredibly obvious
short-arms = notable Iowa athlete joke.
by The Final Gun on Mar 4, 2011 10:08 AM CST up reply actions
If at least one of you doesn't end up sobbing (in a very good way)...
you’re doing it wrong.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 4:24 PM CST up reply actions
Naw, I'd cop to that if it were true.
I have very little shame. Remember, something like my third post was the story about me punching a girl in the face.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 4:05 PM CST up reply actions
Remember: only if they deserve it.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 3, 2011 4:09 PM CST up reply actions
If you haven't read that story yet, then you need to.
Sorry couldn’t find it on a quick search. Gotta go to bed.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 4, 2011 1:08 AM CST up reply actions
This story
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 4, 2011 7:24 AM CST up reply actions
I had read it in a previous callback.
Damn good stuff.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 4, 2011 8:29 AM CST up reply actions
SIX kids?!?
Well, I’m halfway there, so I shouldn’t judge.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 2:48 PM CST up reply actions
check back with SEG when she has three
to see if the tune changes. (nothing against your though process) my wife mentioned 6 prior to having the 4 we have now. Nothing motivates you to stop at 4 like having the fourth child.
You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning
by The Bacon Explosion on Mar 3, 2011 2:56 PM CST up reply actions
Well, my husband would be happy with one, but he knew what he signed up for when he married me.
I think we’ll probably end up with three, mainly because I don’t want to have kids into my thirties.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 3:25 PM CST up reply actions
Are there any other family planning guidelines of The Party's that he has adopted
Totally kidding, and I know he is American born and doesn’t even speak Mandarin.
I'm officially 39 weeks today
and if I didn’t only know you through the internet, I’d want to slap you. I’m SO over being pregnant right now!
Those last couple weeks are the hardest, not gonna lie.
My hips hurt so bad at night I couldn’t sleep at all. But overall I loved being pregnant, and giving birth was amazing.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 9:46 PM CST up reply actions
This makes me so happy to be a gay male
adoption sounds so much more pleasant than being pregnant or dealing with a pregnant spouse.
The invite to the Big Ten prank call
is easily enough to carry Pollard through this round.
Boy, tell me about it! Sometimes I think, “if this is the Information Superhighway, I want to just pull over!!”
Can't I vote for both?!?
OK, Pollard it is (but I must admit, I’m feeling kinda inconsolable about this).
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
This isn't even close. Coach Baby's time will come. He's not ready yet.
That, and how do you vote against this:
Pollard, if for no other reason than the Sad Pollard picture
It’s just so pitiful of a facial expression it becomes funny.
"December-April of 2010 is basically just a blur to me, filled with lots of boobs and passing out." - stanzi's ex-girlfriend
by The Ghost of John Hannah on Mar 3, 2011 2:13 PM CST reply actions
After a couple of rounds into Marchifornication
Maybe I should have asked this question already.
“What is the criteria for voting…i.e. what should my vote be based on?” Maybe (probably) there is no answer other than “whatever you want”.
Some seem to use prior spoofs to vote. “Who got ripped on better this year”, in which case most seem to think Pollard is the clear winner of this round.
Being an outsider and newcomer, I look at it this way. Iowa State doesn’t win anything of importance. Once in a while they might suprise you on an individual day (both of our teams have been victims), but really…they don’t come off as a team of great import. So, neither Pollard, nor this “Coach Baby”, should make it out of this round. I see Pollard becoming so inconsolable, Coach Baby is found dead from shaken baby syndrome and Pollard is locked up.
Since that’s not one of the voting options, who should I vote for?
The first rule of Marchifornication
is there are no rules of Marchifornication.
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
by ClaybornSmash on Mar 3, 2011 2:19 PM CST up reply actions
The second rule of Marchifornication
is that if it gets funnier with alcohol in your system it’s probably the winner.
The third rule is “don’t eat yellow snow”.
The fourth rule is a combination of the first three (which means disregard rules 1 & 2).
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 2:30 PM CST up reply actions
Listen to McCann't
He’s a veteran
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
by ClaybornSmash on Mar 3, 2011 2:33 PM CST up reply actions
This would probably be a bad time to note
I don’t drink. So the second rule goes past my head.
Third rule is always a good rule, before, during, and after Marchifornication.
Was gonna reference Zappa's line about "that yellow snow"
But realized you probably don’t want to think about the Huskies, and then I thought about the 91 Rose Bowl and realized that I don’t want to think about Huskies either.
Now I’m sad.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 3, 2011 3:14 PM CST up reply actions
I feel like I'm reading the Bible's confusing and convoluted rules
So am I allowed to poop or is that a sin?
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 3, 2011 2:36 PM CST up reply actions
Off your chest.
It’s an old German law.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 2:45 PM CST up reply actions
That's the second scat reference in the last four days.
It must be Marchifornication.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 3, 2011 3:15 PM CST up reply actions
Skatt Bros had to be #3
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 3, 2011 3:25 PM CST up reply actions
Or a Cab Calloway thread.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 3:31 PM CST up reply actions
Me at age 18 to boyfriend: What's a Cleveland Steamer?
BF: Uhh, where’d you hear that?
Me: Someone said it in a chat room.
BF: Go look it up on urban dictionary.
Me: [goes in other room to look it up]
BF: …
Me: [screams]
BF: [laughs hysterically]
Then we had a 30 min convo with me demanding to know if it was real. This was also the night I learned of the filth that is the dirty sanchez.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 3:38 PM CST up reply actions
I anticipate you getting a list of other horrible terms in 3...2...1...
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 3, 2011 3:39 PM CST up reply actions
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 3, 2011 3:40 PM CST up reply actions 1 recs
I mean, that's not even a reasonable place to put them.
Not the dogs, I mean… yeah.
Ceci n'est pas un blogue.
How is that even possible?
Yeah, I clicked on it. I’m too damn curious.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 3:59 PM CST up reply actions
pssst
none of them are possible. nobody has ever done 99% of urban dictionary stuff.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 3, 2011 4:03 PM CST up reply actions
But....
SHIT! WHY AM I SO GULLIBLE??!
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 4:18 PM CST up reply actions
Not what I was thinking it would be
I was thinking about something I’ve actually seen in (not straight) porn involving two you know whats in one you know what else. Ok, now that I’ve thoroughly grossed most of you out, I feel better for the day.
After reading the title and seeing the comments, I imagine my initial thought was similar to yours,
albeit without having actually seen such things.
Think of me like Yoda. But instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro- I'm Broda!
BHGP introduced me to this one in a preview for the game against FIU
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Golden%20Panther
Choke/Clutch is the fetishization of the small sample size.
"Man is still the most extraordinary computer of all and women are even cooler" JFK
BHGP: We're educational!
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
You'd better try it just to confirm.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 5:20 PM CST up reply actions
I WILL NOT CLICK ON THEM.
I learned my lesson after the whole Tubgirl debacle of ’99.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 3:42 PM CST up reply actions
Expand you mind
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 3, 2011 3:43 PM CST up reply actions
1/2 of those require that you expand SOMETHING.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 4:04 PM CST up reply actions
Something very uncomfortable
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 3, 2011 4:37 PM CST up reply actions
I learned my lesson on this site a while ago
Wait to see the reaction of everyone else before you click on any links.
And a very valuable lesson that is!
Think of me like Yoda. But instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro- I'm Broda!
Never click on anything. Ever.
Perhaps my best years are gone... but I wouldn't want them back. Not with the fire in me now. No, I wouldn't want them back.
twitter.com/jebushchrist
This
Double this at work
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
by chitownhawkeye on Mar 3, 2011 9:56 PM CST up reply actions
The Houdini, Strawberry Shortcake, Angry Dragon, Kentucky Snowplow, Salty Pirate, Boston Redsock (not for the faint of heart)
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
pretty much any phrase you type into Urban Dictionary will give you a horrifying sex act.
Choke/Clutch is the fetishization of the small sample size.
"Man is still the most extraordinary computer of all and women are even cooler" JFK
Not all of these. Some were invented by myself and others.
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
Like.... together?
Were you in a frat?
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 3:56 PM CST up reply actions
Good guess, but no. Not experimented created, more drinking and saying "What is the most fucked up shit I can imagine" Until some chick at Iowa started telling me dead baby jokes
I was not in a frat. I like my women to be women, my collars unpopped, my sex partners conscious, and my friends for free.
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
by C.I.owA on Mar 3, 2011 4:09 PM CST up reply actions 3 recs
Rec'd for this
I like my women to be women, my collars unpopped, my sex partners conscious, and my friends for free.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 3, 2011 4:38 PM CST up reply actions
Unpopped
You’ll just never be cool. Sorry
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
by chitownhawkeye on Mar 3, 2011 5:03 PM CST up reply actions
Hey, I know that guy!
He wrote a post here, like, three years ago!
Before you respond, let me remind you: Brian Cook called me smug, which makes me the Obama of smugness. I'm basically Smugbama.
um, was the girl telling you dead baby jokes named Kate?
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Shelby
twitter.com/dmbmeg
I am not sure. I know one was Ashley. There were many. I was shocked.
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
Glass Bottom Boat, Cincinnati Bowtie...
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 3:46 PM CST up reply actions
Rusty trombone, Donkey punch (the real one),
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
Yeah, those were two more I found out about in college.
OH IOWA.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 3:55 PM CST up reply actions
Can't forget Snowball, and felching.
Now I can’t stop remembering them. I haven’t thought of any since college.
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
My God
All I wanted to know was who to vote for. And my question led to this?
:-D
It's just informed voting.
Ah, the Democratic system works!
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 7:04 PM CST up reply actions
Informed voting?
How does a Kentucky Snowplow relate to Jamie Pollard.
WAIT, DON’T ANSWER THAT!
You don't know?
Why do you think he’s inconsolable?
HINT: It’s not just because he got jilted by a football coach, his basketball coach and his wrestling coach.
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 3, 2011 11:44 PM CST up reply actions
For Canadians
The Frozen Snowshoe
Or a nice Alberta Coal Slider
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 4, 2011 1:11 AM CST up reply actions
The Cinnamon Roll
The Boston Pancake
The Alabama Hot Pocket
Blumpkin.
by DJK's bongwater on Mar 3, 2011 6:48 PM CST up reply actions
3/4 of those involved shit. We're not friends anymore.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 10:09 PM CST up reply actions
Actually all of them involved shit
Come on, all the funniest sexually deviant acts involve poo.
by DJK's bongwater on Mar 3, 2011 11:50 PM CST up reply actions
DJKBW's car:
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 4, 2011 12:07 AM CST up reply actions
Yes, Opel's
are shit cars.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 4, 2011 12:49 AM CST up reply actions
The Saskatoon Totem Pole, The Musty Goaltender, The Newfoundland Lobster Trap
Damn you super sperm!
by Feelin' Orney on Mar 3, 2011 3:51 PM CST up reply actions
The Chili Dog, Alaskan Pipeline, Donkey Punch Toboggan
by Hank Thrasher on Mar 3, 2011 5:07 PM CST up reply actions
Okay, so I just told my husband about this thread and we are looking up all the ones he doesn't know.
And in the Alaskan Pipeline entry (which is totally gross) it says this:
Invented at the University of Iowa by Brian and Andy S. in 2001.
ARE YOU EITHER BRIAN OR ANDY S.??!
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 10:01 PM CST up reply actions
Why is it the Alaskan pipeline then?
by DJK's bongwater on Mar 3, 2011 11:53 PM CST up reply actions
My favorite is The Prestige.
From OMHR’s newspaper.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 5:15 PM CST up reply actions
I must be going to hell because I laughed for a full minute the first time I saw it.
And this is why all of my friends are guys. Women hate me.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 5:46 PM CST up reply actions
Because you give their boyfriends/husbands unrealistic expectations?
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 5:49 PM CST up reply actions
I have never heard of the Prestige. I have also never used Urban Dictionary. Both will be untrue after tonight.
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
I've always known that as one of two versions
of the “Houdini”.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 5:48 PM CST up reply actions
I only learned the Houdini the way with the spit.
And yes, I learned it the hard way.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 5:49 PM CST up reply actions
Well the "soft" way would just be depressing.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 5:51 PM CST up reply actions
That is the real Houdini. And I'm sorry for you, that dude sucks.
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
It was a joke which occured shortly after I looked it up on urban dictionary.
I was caught off guard and fell for it because that’s just what I do. But I thought it was really funny and couldn’t stop laughing.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 8:48 PM CST up reply actions
You laughed after?
You really are not like most women.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 3, 2011 9:12 PM CST up reply actions
How can you not laugh after being Houdini'd? Or bukkake'd in general?
I always have a gigglefit. There’s just something hilarious about it.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 9:28 PM CST up reply actions
A friend from California called it the "Wave Good-bye"
But that is because the girl is leaning out the window and the first guy leaves the house and waves good-bye as he is walking down the sidewalk.
That sounds an awful lot like Everson/Satterfield.
That should’ve been their defense. Your honor, we were merely attempting The Prestige.
by DJK's bongwater on Mar 3, 2011 6:30 PM CST up reply actions
I went to urban dictionary
because out of all the names I read, this one intrigued me…
… which prestige are we talking about? 1) having 2 guys and the 1st one pops in the front door… or 2) belated super sperm
and that's another Hawkeye first down... EHAWW!!
google image search for the prestige purdue sex
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 8:12 PM CST up reply actions
Yes, I am a mom.
but that kinda makes me sound old. I’m 27.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 8:19 PM CST up reply actions
that's ok
I’m 25… and it’s going to come out now
BIG ANNOUNCEMENT
I’m a mom and married too :)
and that's another Hawkeye first down... EHAWW!!
And you're all just as depraved as the boys.
(HawkAtHeart included as well)
Stereotypes be damned.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 3, 2011 11:26 PM CST up reply actions
i'm glad that's how you search it.
we’re SOOOOO classy here at purdue.
sidenote: i can’t wait till Iowa comes to town next year and I can meet any BHGPers who are willing to make the trip to OMHR.
Can you imagine what Hoiberg is like
On an airplane when his ears won’t pop? What a pain that guy would be…
He's just a baby, cut him some slack.
Gorilla Warrior Jackhammer Sauce.
by Bucketochicken on Mar 3, 2011 3:00 PM CST up reply actions
How is that different than normal?
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 3, 2011 3:18 PM CST up reply actions
You said "mmmm" to swallowing sperm but "yucky" to the Library
Just pointing that out.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 3, 2011 3:26 PM CST up reply actions
Not just any sperm
but Super Sperm.
Damn you super sperm!
by Feelin' Orney on Mar 3, 2011 3:27 PM CST up reply actions
well
have you said mmmm to the library but yucky to sperm?
and that's another Hawkeye first down... EHAWW!!
I think at least 50% of BHGP community have had their sperm eaten at the library.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 3:34 PM CST up reply actions
Stuff like that didn't happen in the Central College library
but it did smell like tulips.
Damn you super sperm!
by Feelin' Orney on Mar 3, 2011 3:37 PM CST up reply actions
This is why Central sucks
Because it definitely happened at the Luther College library.
Go Norse!
And at least 20% had it eaten by someone else!
Oh, like you guys never got hungry…
Ceci n'est pas un blogue.
You've never tried to suck your own dick before?
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 3, 2011 3:54 PM CST up reply actions
That's one of those things you just know.
I got 99 donuts cuz a bitch ate one.
by Pain in the Sash on Mar 3, 2011 8:07 PM CST up reply actions
And you thought that was gum under the desk.
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
Slightly dried jizz is kind of like that clear sticky glue stuff on packaging.
Or else someone has just been jizzing on my packages.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 4:01 PM CST up reply actions
FedEx actually offers that service.
UPS just sticks to brown stuff.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 4:03 PM CST up reply actions
I <3 Marchifornication
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 3, 2011 4:04 PM CST up reply actions
I F<3 Marchifornication.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 4:05 PM CST up reply actions
Logistically, that either really impressive
or really sad.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 4:09 PM CST up reply actions
Meant more in condom. But yes that would be either.
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
There is jizz on the walls of 95% of the dorm rooms at Iowa.
The other 5% is the honors floor at Daum.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 4:21 PM CST up reply actions
Talk about Magna Cum Laude...
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 4:22 PM CST up reply actions
I decorated at least one of those rooms
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 3, 2011 4:28 PM CST up reply actions
Well, he DID get his start
in gay porn…
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 4:32 PM CST up reply actions
But it's all about where you finish.
Mainly on her hair, eyes, nose, mouth, both ears, chest, armpit, stomach, back, pillow case, purse, clock radio, windshield, and inside the glove compartment.
/North’d
Ceci n'est pas un blogue.
That's why you have to love "The Decorator" as a nickname
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 3, 2011 4:42 PM CST up reply actions
JESUS CHRIST
Who woulda thought a thread about Pollard and Coach baby would turn into a discussion of mainly jizzing on walls?
I got 99 donuts cuz a bitch ate one.
by Pain in the Sash on Mar 3, 2011 4:43 PM CST up reply actions
Oh, you don't get the whole tapioca shade?
Hmm, I’ve got to change my diet.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 4:46 PM CST up reply actions
Maybe it's just darker for you, Kumar.
Holy shit, I’m hoping that’s not as offensive as it may seem.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 3, 2011 4:50 PM CST up reply actions
I read that in the voice of Homeland Security guy from Harold and Kumar: Escape From Guantanamo Bay.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 3, 2011 4:55 PM CST up reply actions
Nah, no worries.
It came of as completely racist. Good thing for you I don’t really give a shit (and it helps that I’m a swarthy shade of white and not actually dark).
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 4:59 PM CST up reply actions
Yeah, yeah! The sticky glue things are like tapioca beads!!
I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 4:50 PM CST up reply actions
Answer:
Anyone who’s ever visited this site.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 4:45 PM CST up reply actions
If women were doing their jobs, there would be 0% jizz on 0% of the dorm room walls.
I couldn’t save all the walls single-handedly.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 4:48 PM CST up reply actions
Did you really give it 100%?
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 3, 2011 4:55 PM CST up reply actions
God I love this website.
I got 99 donuts cuz a bitch ate one.
by Pain in the Sash on Mar 3, 2011 4:58 PM CST up reply actions
What if you're drinking? Then mine is Try and get hard or find home
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
I guess that answers the question:
OR
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 5:06 PM CST up reply actions
Get Rhabdo or makes houses out of shit?
I got 99 donuts cuz a bitch ate one.
by Pain in the Sash on Mar 3, 2011 5:11 PM CST up reply actions
Wait, there was actually doubt regarding the answer?
I apologize; I must have misrepresented myself.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 5:17 PM CST up reply actions
I am so glad you're married.
If you were talking like that here and SINGLE, this place would turn into Mr. Garrison’s class that one time Bebe got boobs.
Ceci n'est pas un blogue.
Is that an African swallow or a European swallow?
Because those are complete different discussions.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 3, 2011 7:13 PM CST up reply actions
The internet yields plenty of search results
for “European” and “swallows”
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 7:36 PM CST up reply actions
Quite an Audubon type society
they have over there, I’m sure
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
by chitownhawkeye on Mar 3, 2011 10:00 PM CST up reply actions
I lived on both the 1st and 4th floors of Mayflower.
Double the pleasure, double the fun.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 3, 2011 4:39 PM CST up reply actions
I lived in 5 separate rooms freshman year. Anybody beat that?
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 3, 2011 4:40 PM CST up reply actions
Well, I stayed in a hell of a lot more rooms than that fresh. year
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
close
I lived in 3. 2 in mayflower and 1 in hillcrest
and that's another Hawkeye first down... EHAWW!!
I also doubled my pleasure at Mayflower. But it was after I moved out.
Damn, I miss college. Only time it is less smarmy to have threesomes.
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
You don't get to count each one of your hands as "involved"
although the ambidextrousness is impressive.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 3, 2011 5:46 PM CST up reply actions
how similar was it to
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ujKxpAvLKg
Choke/Clutch is the fetishization of the small sample size.
"Man is still the most extraordinary computer of all and women are even cooler" JFK
according to my sources within the library*
if a fat chick is studying alone on the 5th floor she’s looking for a hook-up
*bathroom grafiti
Choke/Clutch is the fetishization of the small sample size.
"Man is still the most extraordinary computer of all and women are even cooler" JFK
UWM's Golda Meir library to be exact.
And in addition I’ve had something else in my ear there. Ok, bad pun, but true.
Okay, I've been swayed.
I’m not one much for Lifetime Achievement Awards or whatever, but Pollard really does deserve to get crushed in the next round more than Mayor McBaby.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 3, 2011 3:19 PM CST reply actions
I voted for Mr. Coach Baby.
Why?
WHIMSY!
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
this place has seriously turned into a chat room circa 1995.
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Shelby
twitter.com/dmbmeg
by the way, I voted for Pollard.
The babies frighten me.
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Shelby
twitter.com/dmbmeg
I blame the internet.
I got 99 donuts cuz a bitch ate one.
by Pain in the Sash on Mar 3, 2011 8:02 PM CST up reply actions
Nebraskans too
I got 99 donuts cuz a bitch ate one.
by Pain in the Sash on Mar 3, 2011 8:05 PM CST up reply actions
ISCA was never like this.
No, wait. That’s a lie. It was exactly like this.
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
by chitownhawkeye on Mar 3, 2011 10:04 PM CST up reply actions
Hahahahahahaha
Oh my god, ISCA….
Gorilla Warrior Jackhammer Sauce.
by Bucketochicken on Mar 3, 2011 11:02 PM CST up reply actions
Good God, this thread took a strange turn, didn't it?
Think of me like Yoda. But instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro- I'm Broda!
NO THREAD IS SAFE FROM SEMEN
I got 99 donuts cuz a bitch ate one.
by Pain in the Sash on Mar 3, 2011 8:48 PM CST up reply actions
Not that I'm surprised that another thread has taken a sexual turn
Think of me like Yoda. But instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro- I'm Broda!
I'm sorry...
I hit page down a whole lot to get here but along the way I’m pretty sure I caught a glimpse of Peter fucking North. I went back up and sure enough…
I regret nothing.
But yeah, this one got out of hand.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 4, 2011 11:04 PM CST up reply actions
The Prestige
And I figure since it was in the Purdue student newspaper, it isn’t too inappropriate
Had to post a new topic because otherwise it would’ve been cut off. But it belongs with SEG’s post above
by DJK's bongwater on Mar 3, 2011 11:58 PM CST reply actions
And the editor's sexy note is?
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 4, 2011 12:00 AM CST up reply actions
Tah dah!
That’s my favorite part of reading this. Because I’m guessing what she’s thinking is “Wow, it’s magic!”
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
by chitownhawkeye on Mar 4, 2011 12:54 AM CST up reply actions
Tah dah, tha's my favorite magazine.
It is a magazine by and for gay magicians.
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
Wait a minute...
there are STRAIGHT magicians?
by DrHenryKillinger on Mar 4, 2011 10:06 AM CST up reply actions
I seriously hope not, if you're pregnant....
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 4, 2011 8:09 AM CST up reply actions
Oh wait, that's HawkAtHeart.
What’s up with 75% of the women here having handles that start with “Hawk”?! I can’t keep you people straight!
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 4, 2011 10:42 AM CST up reply actions
It IS a Hawkeye blog. I'd bet over 75% of the total handles have "Hawk" somewhere in them
Think of me like Yoda. But instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro- I'm Broda!
Yeah, but there are probably less than 10 regular female posters.
And a lot of them have hawk in their name.
HawkAtHeart, Hawkeyegirl, HawkeyegirlSTL, HawkPocket…
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 4, 2011 11:07 AM CST up reply actions
the lesson here being
you need to change your name, perhaps to stanzi’s hawk ex-girlfriend
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
by chitownhawkeye on Mar 4, 2011 7:37 PM CST up reply actions
hawk hawk stanzi hawk?
Hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk DJK hawk hawk hawk?
Hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk never mess with a robotic diabetic hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk hawk?
Hawk hawk baked beans and hawk?
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
by chitownhawkeye on Mar 4, 2011 10:43 PM CST up reply actions
What does DJK have to do with messing with a robotic diabetic and baked beans?
Think of me like Yoda. But instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro- I'm Broda!
pff that's an urban legend
My mom drank like a fish when she was pregnant with me and I turned out all right…….
by DJK's bongwater on Mar 4, 2011 10:54 AM CST up reply actions
It actually is too inappropriate, but in this thread it'd be like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic to remove it
Perhaps my best years are gone... but I wouldn't want them back. Not with the fire in me now. No, I wouldn't want them back.
twitter.com/jebushchrist
My favorite part is the exclamation point above her head.
BECAUSE IT’S JUST LIKE ME AT A MAGIC SHOW.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 4, 2011 8:09 AM CST up reply actions
I'm so up for trying that with my GF
Sex is fun and all, but hilarious practical jokes like this are even better.
Who wants to be my number 2?
by DrHenryKillinger on Mar 4, 2011 10:04 AM CST up reply actions
Its really sad to see these two go against each other
Coach Baby just works so well with the Inconsolable One. They need to join forces and get Bloodpunch’d!
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
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