MARCHIFORNICATION: Ricky Stanzi, American Gladiator

Arena_1_medium
Scene: The American Gladiators Arena

Adamle_icon_medium Welcome to Gladiator Arena.  I'm Mike Adamle.
Christensen_icon_medium And I'm Todd Christensen.
Adamle_icon_medium We have a very special edition of American Gladiators for our viewers today, Todd.
Christensen_icon_medium That's right, Mike.  We've had great matchups in the past.  Pro wrestlers against pro boxers.
Adamle_icon_medium Retired baseball players against current golfers.
Christensen_icon_medium Ohio State grads versus Michigan alums.
Adamle_icon_medium Heck, just look at us.  Northwestern and BYU.
Christensen_icon_medium If we faced off, the winner would probably be "3 Bud Lights"
Adamle_icon_medium LOL
Christensen_icon_medium LOL
Adamle_icon_medium But never before have we had two members of a presidential ticket face off against each other in Gladiator Arena.
Christensen_icon_medium Never, that is, until today.
Adamle_icon_medium That's right, Todd.  Today we will see Freedom Party presidential nominee Ricky Stanzi compete against his own running mate, J Leman.

Meanwhile, in the locker room...

Stanziicon_medium I don't know if I can do this, Coach.
Stanziicon_medium I mean, J's my friend.  He's my protector.  He saved me from a Korean prison.
Stanziicon_medium How am I supposed to tackle him?  How am I supposed to joust him? 
Stanziicon_medium How can I possibly beat him?
Silhouette_icon_medium You will beat him because you are a competitor, Ricky.
Silhouette_icon_medium I have trained you for this.
Silhouette_icon_medium I have taken you from scrawny kid to Marchifornication champion.

The shadowy figure emerges...

Ferentzbeard_icon_medium You will do this for me, Ricky.  You will do this because you have no other choice.

Adamle_icon_medium These two athletes are very similar, Todd.
Christensen_icon_medium You've got that right, Mike.  Both these guys are former Big Ten football players.  Both are extremely patriotic.  Both are prone to overgeneralization.  Both have hooked up with Sexycop.
Adamle_icon_medium Well, who hasn't hooked up with Sexycop.
Christensen_icon_medium She made my violate my Honor Code, I'll tell you that.
Adamle_icon_medium Let's get to the action!  Today's contest will begin with...JOUST!
Ferentzbeard_icon_medium You can do this.
Stanziicon_medium I can do this!
Ferentzbeard_icon_medium You can beat him.
Stanziicon_medium I can beat him!
Ferentzbeard_icon_medium See it. Believe it.  Make it happen, Ricky.
Adamle_icon_medium Stanzi will go first.  He'll face...MAL-EMAN.
Stanziicon_medium Who?

Malibuleman_medium

Iconreman_medium You will lose.
Stanziicon_medium J?
Iconreman_medium I am not J.  I am Mal-eman.
Adamle_icon_medium Referee Earl Hebner will start the action.
Hebner_icon_medium Competitor ready!
Iconsexycop_medium Gladiator ready!
Stanziicon_medium Sexycop?
Iconsexycop_medium It's Sexyref now, baby!
Iconsexycop_medium /blows kiss
Stanziicon_medium /is distracted

Joust_medium

Stanziicon_medium /knocked off pedestal
Ferentzbeard_icon_medium RICKY NOOOOOOOO!
Stanziicon_medium /falls to mats below
Adamle_icon_medium And Male-man wins!
Iconsexycop_medium FINISH HIM
Stanziicon_medium Wait, what?
Iconsexycop_medium FINISH HIM
Iconreman_medium /raises lance overhead
Iconsexycop_medium FINISH HIM
Iconreman_medium You. Can't. Win.
Iconreman_medium /brings lance down on Stanzi's head
Stanziicon_medium AAAAAAAHHHHHH
Stanziicon_medium AAAAAAAHHHHHH
Stanziicon_medium /wakes up
Stanziicon_medium /sits up in bed
Stanziicon_medium /gasps for air
Stanziicon_medium It was only a dream.  It was only a dream.  It was only a dream.
Blackicon_medium Are you all right, baby?
Stanziicon_medium Yeah, I'm fine.  Just a nightmare.
Blackicon_medium Do you need anything?
Stanziicon_medium No, really.  I'm OK.  I just need to...wait, who is this?
Stanziicon_medium /flips lightswitch
Stanziicon_medium AAAAAAHHHHHH
Ferentzbeard_icon_medium Would you like some warm milk?
Stanziicon_medium AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Black Heart Gold Pants

You must be a member of Black Heart Gold Pants to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Black Heart Gold Pants. You should read them.

Join Black Heart Gold Pants

You must be a member of Black Heart Gold Pants to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Black Heart Gold Pants. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9347_tracker