MARCHIFORNICATION: Ricky Stanzi, American Gladiator
by Patrick Vint on Mar 29, 2011 12:45 PM CDT
in Marchifornication
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Scene: The American Gladiators Arena
Welcome to Gladiator Arena. I'm Mike Adamle.
And I'm Todd Christensen. We have a very special edition of American Gladiators for our viewers today, Todd. That's right, Mike. We've had great matchups in the past. Pro wrestlers against pro boxers. Retired baseball players against current golfers. Ohio State grads versus Michigan alums. Heck, just look at us. Northwestern and BYU. If we faced off, the winner would probably be "3 Bud Lights" LOL LOL But never before have we had two members of a presidential ticket face off against each other in Gladiator Arena. Never, that is, until today. That's right, Todd. Today we will see Freedom Party presidential nominee Ricky Stanzi compete against his own running mate, J Leman.
Meanwhile, in the locker room...
I don't know if I can do this, Coach. I mean, J's my friend. He's my protector. He saved me from a Korean prison. How am I supposed to tackle him? How am I supposed to joust him? How can I possibly beat him?
You will beat him because you are a competitor, Ricky. I have trained you for this. I have taken you from scrawny kid to Marchifornication champion.
The shadowy figure emerges...
You will do this for me, Ricky. You will do this because you have no other choice.
These two athletes are very similar, Todd. You've got that right, Mike. Both these guys are former Big Ten football players. Both are extremely patriotic. Both are prone to overgeneralization. Both have hooked up with Sexycop. Well, who hasn't hooked up with Sexycop. She made my violate my Honor Code, I'll tell you that. Let's get to the action! Today's contest will begin with...JOUST! You can do this. I can do this! You can beat him. I can beat him! See it. Believe it. Make it happen, Ricky. Stanzi will go first. He'll face...MAL-EMAN. Who?
You will lose. J? I am not J. I am Mal-eman. Referee Earl Hebner will start the action.
Competitor ready!
Gladiator ready! Sexycop? It's Sexyref now, baby! /blows kiss /is distracted
/knocked off pedestal RICKY NOOOOOOOO! /falls to mats below And Male-man wins! FINISH HIM Wait, what? FINISH HIM /raises lance overhead FINISH HIM You. Can't. Win. /brings lance down on Stanzi's head AAAAAAAHHHHHH AAAAAAAHHHHHH /wakes up /sits up in bed /gasps for air It was only a dream. It was only a dream. It was only a dream.
Are you all right, baby? Yeah, I'm fine. Just a nightmare. Do you need anything? No, really. I'm OK. I just need to...wait, who is this? /flips lightswitch AAAAAAHHHHHH Would you like some warm milk? AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Welcome aboard!
They should have sent a poet.
by Bucketochicken on Mar 29, 2011 1:05 PM CDT up reply actions
Thank you!
Normally I’m just a lurker. But I get what is happening now. Not actually. But it helps to pretend.
The lines between reality and surreality are often blurred here.
And hopefully it stays that way.
They should have sent a poet.
by Bucketochicken on Mar 29, 2011 1:22 PM CDT up reply actions
That's for you to decide.
They should have sent a poet.
by Bucketochicken on Mar 29, 2011 1:53 PM CDT up reply actions
I'm just gonna say that
Stanzi is definitely lactose intolerant. Warm milk is not in his best interests.
Love your avatar stoutgiant. Looks like that kitten scalped a Fraggle and then wore it in victory.
In other news, I now vote Birk Berentz for everything.
Nah.
It’s more like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood..." - Teddy Roosevelt
I may make need of this "Birk Berentz" he seems an effective cajoler.
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
The only person Stanzi wakes up next to is Lady Liberty.
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
by C.I.owA on Mar 29, 2011 2:24 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
This reminds me of John Prine.
Not a direct quote, but for some reason it reminded me of The Great Compromise.
(“I used to sleep at the foot of old glory…”)
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 29, 2011 4:06 PM CDT up reply actions
its the libraian in me
and once a long time ago
on the north side of chi in a joint called somebody else’s trouble
i played with prine,
1 song
i didnt last long
dont go there
perhaps one of the craftiest american lyricists
i prefer sabu visits the twin cities
deal with it tim
The Great Compromise
I knew a girl who was almost a lady
She had a way with all the men in her life
Every inch of her blossomed in beauty
And she was born on the fourth of July
Well she lived in an aluminum house trailer
And she worked in a juke box saloon
And she spent all the money I give her
Just to see the old man in the moon
Chorus:
I used to sleep at the foot of Old Glory
And awake in the dawn’s early light
But much to my surprise
When I opened my eyes
I was a victim of the great compromise
Well we’d go out on Saturday evenings
To the drive-in on Route 41
And it was there that I first suspected
That she was doin’ what she’d already done
She said “Johnny won’t you get me some popcorn”
And she knew I had to walk pretty far
And as soon as I passed through the moonlight
She hopped into a foreign sports car
(Repeat chorus)
Well you know I could have beat up that fellow
But it was her that had hopped into his car
Many times I’d fought to protect her
But this time she was goin’ too far
Now some folks they call me a coward
‘Cause I left her at the drive-in that night
But I’d druther have names thrown at me
Than to fight for a thing that ain’t right
(Repeat chorus)
Now she writes all the fellows love letters
Saying “Greetings, come and see me real soon”
And they go and line up in the barroom
And spend the night in that sick woman’s room
But sometimes I get awful lonesome
And I wish she was my girl instead
But she won’t let me live with her
And she makes me live in my head
(Repeat chorus)
Long Live the Pellican Whore - like FOREVER
am i the only one
that sees an ohiohawk post and immediately scrolls to the next comment?
(nottryingtobeadick)
Um, not trying to be a dick?
OH is strange, to be sure, but if you’re going to scroll past and “not try to be a dick” how about scrolling past and actually not being a dick? Because it looks here like you’re trying to be a dick.
Before you respond, let me remind you: Brian Cook called me smug, which makes me the Obama of smugness. I'm basically Smugbama.
by Patrick Vint on Mar 31, 2011 8:53 AM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
No.
The only poetry I’ve ever enjoyed was Siegfried Sassoon’s though, so it’s not his fault. I’m a heathen.
by Norm Parker's Amputated Toes on Mar 30, 2011 4:35 PM CDT up reply actions
WTF?
"The possibility of physical and mental collapse is now very real. No sympathy for the Devil, keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride!" HST
Maybe it's the valium I haven't taken yet but what just happened?
Whatever farm animal of war, Lana. Shut up!
Take the valium, then try again.
It’s like being sober at a Phish show…it will never make sense.
Damn you super sperm!
by Feelin' Orney on Mar 29, 2011 1:47 PM CDT up reply actions
Don't let previous statement mislead you to believe I have it figured out.
I don’t…but I am at work with no supply of narcotics.
Damn you super sperm!
by Feelin' Orney on Mar 29, 2011 1:52 PM CDT up reply actions
Where is DRUGS when you really need him?
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 29, 2011 3:57 PM CDT up reply actions
Would you like some warm milk?
Shall I fix you some sandwiches?
How much lettuce do you want?
Hey Dolph, you look like I need a beer.
by Give Eddie a Beer on Mar 29, 2011 1:13 PM CDT reply actions
When will this Black Plague end? Maybe Friday.
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
Black plague?
You’re no fun, fun, fun, fun.
(Okay, you’re right. It’s an awful, awful, song.)
by IPeeBlackAndGold on Mar 30, 2011 8:06 PM CDT up reply actions
Someone's been paying attention
Before you respond, let me remind you: Brian Cook called me smug, which makes me the Obama of smugness. I'm basically Smugbama.
by Patrick Vint on Mar 29, 2011 1:27 PM CDT up reply actions
I have no idea where J came from
but I love the fact that he’s here
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
Champaign. Born & raised.
They should have sent a poet.
by Bucketochicken on Mar 29, 2011 1:54 PM CDT up reply actions
West Philidelphia. Born & raised.
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
by ClaybornSmash on Mar 29, 2011 2:13 PM CDT up reply actions
Got in one little fight and my mom got scared
She said “You’re going to Illi-fucking-nois to play football for a batshit coach that snorts embryos”
I got 99 donuts cuz a bitch ate one.
by Pain in the Sash on Mar 29, 2011 2:38 PM CDT up reply actions
"When Wet Dreams Go Awry" - Tonight on Fox!
OK ...one time Randy Beaman had to take baths with his brother ... so one time his little brother took a potty in the bathtub ... and now Randy Beaman gets to take showers by himself. 'K. Bye
Darkness warshed over the Dude - darker'n a black steer's tookus on a moonless prairie night. There was no bottom.
by AcrimoniousAngerererer on Mar 29, 2011 2:04 PM CDT reply actions 5 recs
DOES THE TOP EVER STOP SPINNING?
TELL ME WHAT IT MEANS!!!!
by The Mexican't on Mar 29, 2011 2:29 PM CDT up reply actions
Two men enter...
neither one knows what the fuck is going on.
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
SEXYCOP IS A DEAD RUSSIAN SPY
WHERE IS THE CONTINUITY
THIS IS BULLSHIT
YOU PEOPLE ARE HACKS
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
STOP SPOILING MY RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION WITH YOUR "FACTS"
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Facts are overrated.
Whatever farm animal of war, Lana. Shut up!
by Carfino'sWay on Mar 30, 2011 6:19 PM CDT up reply actions
That's what you think.
In the next installment Ricky wakes up a second time to Pakibomb dressed up like Mao, wearing Sexycop’s face as a mask, and torturing a room full of Korean girls with a Hawkeye football helmet, right before Trololo takes them all to Beaver Stadium to watch Fergie have sex with Tim Curley’s man-wife.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 29, 2011 4:02 PM CDT up reply actions
Well, that's gonna fuck my bracket
Guess it’s as good a year as any for that
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 29, 2011 4:05 PM CDT up reply actions
Goddammitsonuvabitchinasscockholefucker!
My reply button broke. (See comment below.)
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 29, 2011 4:07 PM CDT up reply actions
Change your password
I think INTENSITY Chazz hacked your account…
Damn you super sperm!
by Feelin' Orney on Mar 29, 2011 4:07 PM CDT up reply actions
Now I really will have nightmares.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
I thought we were in the middle of one
Did I take the wrong pill?
I give Ross nightmares.
by Feelin' Orney on Mar 29, 2011 6:05 PM CDT up reply actions
Oh?
Did you get a different kind of braket than I did?
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 29, 2011 4:06 PM CDT reply actions
I'm just glad the story didn't get into where the warm milk would come from.
“I have nipples Greg, can you milk me?”
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 29, 2011 4:10 PM CDT reply actions
I need you to walk up to Brooklyn and get me some breast milk from a Cambodian
I only drink the finest breast milks, and Cambodian is the best shit out there.
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
Stopped reading when I saw Csonka wasn't the co-host
Everyone knows that was the only edition of American Gladiators worth talking about
This.
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 29, 2011 8:30 PM CDT up reply actions
So...
When does Patrick Duffy show up in the shower?
by redlightheadache on Mar 29, 2011 5:02 PM CDT reply actions
now now now...
let’s not turn this rape into a murder with questions like that.
Darkness warshed over the Dude - darker'n a black steer's tookus on a moonless prairie night. There was no bottom.
by AcrimoniousAngerererer on Mar 29, 2011 7:09 PM CDT up reply actions
Did you click on it?
Or did that little voice in the back of your head say, no, I think I’ll skip this one?
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
by chitownhawkeye on Mar 29, 2011 7:36 PM CDT up reply actions
I hesitated, based on past experience with links around here
But curiosity got the better of me. I clicked.
That is truly wise
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
by chitownhawkeye on Mar 30, 2011 6:20 PM CDT up reply actions
The hesitating, I mean
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
by chitownhawkeye on Mar 30, 2011 6:20 PM CDT up reply actions
I highly recommend reading the posts linked under that tag.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
by RossWB on Mar 29, 2011 7:38 PM CDT up reply actions 2 recs
Saw something I'd forgotten entirely about in one of those.
The only known instance of Bellanca being flat out wrong about something.
by Norm Parker's Amputated Toes on Mar 29, 2011 7:59 PM CDT up reply actions
I knew there was a reason Todd Christenson was MC'ing this event...
You got no fear of the underdog; That's why you will not survive!
by YouCanPutYourEddsInIt on Mar 29, 2011 8:56 PM CDT up reply actions
Thank you!
The pieces of the puzzle are coming together nicely now.
.....OK, maybe I didn't think the short version of this name through....
by TheStupidShallBePunished on Mar 29, 2011 9:58 PM CDT up reply actions
The one with Howie Mandel is unbelievable.
So unbelievable it happened, right?
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 29, 2011 11:28 PM CDT up reply actions
Wait, when did Stanzi become a black man? Did I miss something?
Think of me like Yoda. But instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro- I'm Broda!
Oh no you di'int.
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 29, 2011 9:50 PM CDT up reply actions
What? I asked an honest, innocent question. I said nothing inflammatory, Mr. Intensity.
Think of me like Yoda. But instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro- I'm Broda!
Dude/Ma'am,
I’m joking.
Sorry I forgot to use the /sarcasm font.
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 29, 2011 11:06 PM CDT up reply actions
I want you all to know that the new Molten Hot Wings flavored Ruffles are the most delicious chips ever.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood..." - Teddy Roosevelt
this
"If you're easily offended, we thank you for stopping by but ask that you turn your browser elsewhere." -- BHGP Disclaimer
by SaturdayMorningKegStanzis on Mar 30, 2011 8:20 AM CDT up reply actions
I prefer food with actual food in it
Ah, that’s kind of bullshit. I like Doritos as much as the next guy and there’s zero food content in those.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 30, 2011 8:50 AM CDT up reply actions
The purple bag is the best.
Sweet & Spicy chili or some stupid name I can’t remember. All I know is the bag is purple and the chips are tremendous.
by The Mexican't on Mar 30, 2011 11:11 AM CDT up reply actions
My favorite Powerade flavor has always been Blue.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 30, 2011 1:17 PM CDT up reply actions
I just had some Lay's HONEY barbecue chips the other day.
Very good. Way better than the regular BBQ chips.
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 30, 2011 4:56 PM CDT up reply actions
Blue is not a flavor!!!!!
/Morbo’d
by DrHenryKillinger on Mar 31, 2011 12:02 PM CDT up reply actions
You guys need to find someone in the Mid Atlantic send you some Dirty Chips, or Route 11 chips
Thai flavor, Korean bbq, amazing flavors
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
2 Things
1.) Did the top wobble or did it straighten itself after Ricki screamed?
2.) I love seeing Hebner in here, but I was praying for a reference to Adamle’s horrible stint commentating ECW in 08 or whenever. He was awful. “Jamacian me crazy Kofi! WHAT A LEG KICK!”
When did J Leman become Red She Hulk?
Did I miss an episode or something?
I drank a fifth of whiskey and ate a wheel of cheese (with rind)
And this makes perfect sense now.
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