HOT, SWEATY SEMIFINAL ACTION. GET SOME.

THE #1 SEED: BLOODPUNCH BARTA

Round 1: Defeated Gila Ben, 469-72

THE #5 SEED: DINOSAUR RACECARS

Round 1: Defeated Brennan Cougill 563-247

Well, we've got ourselves quite a contest today. Bloodpunch, Dinosaur Racecars, I assume you all recognize the stakes involved.

I do, your honor

 I am not a judge. Please don't.

 and I would like to submit my request to have this vote dismissed on the grounds that under University of Iowa athletic guidelines, it is no longer valid.

 Oh word?

RARARRRGARGHGHH??

 Yes. As you'll see in this recent decree, the University of Iowa will not sanction any athletic competitions between non-human organisms that A) feature any direct, extremity-to-extremity combat or B) involve animals that are more than human-waist-tall, or C) are not recognized by all-powerful sports media organization SBNation.com.

 Good luck pushing Tyrannosaurus Wrecks on a legally hostile audience, suckers.

 Funny thing, Mr. Bloodpunch. 

 A clown farting a fully intact copy of the Bill of Rights?

 No, I--I wasn't requesting--yes, it would be funny, but I--no, I need to tell you something.

 Go on.

 There is another dinosaur that races for Dinosaur Racecars,

 And?!

 And it races for SBNation.com's newest featured website, VelociRacecars.com.

 KREEEEEEEEEE

 Yes, I get it! But aren't those beasts huge?

 Erm, not exactly. Here's what they actually look like.

 So they're SBN-affiliated and previously recognized by us as a legitimate Dinosaur Racecar Driving organization.

 But I've seen Jurassic Park and at least one of the sequels! Velociraptor are like human-sized!

 Bitch, please. No. Not even knee-high.

KREEEEEEEEEEE

  Clever girl.