MARCHIFORNICATION ROUND 2: JAMIE POLLARD VS. PELICAN WHORE
by Adam Jacobi on Mar 16, 2011 12:00 PM CDT
in Marchifornication
Email
Print#3 SEED: JAMIE POLLARD
Round 1: Defeated Coach Baby, 377-204
#7 SEED: PELICAN WHORE
Round 1: Defeated Wizgerald, 330-225
Scene: a dilapidated barn in Ames. Cows mill about lazily with ragged, oversized cheerleader uniforms covering them. Somehow there is still eight inches of snow on the ground. A douchebag knocks on a rotting door.
knock knock
Yes, male secretary?
You've got someone to see you, Mr. Pollard!
Hot diggity! Personal visits can't be pranks!
SQUAWKKKK
Oh, Pelican Whore! I see you've come to discuss our matchup today! Do you speak English?
rabim denar
No Pelicanese, please!
bom naredil vse
I SAID NO PELICANESE. Please speak the language of our land.
You want pelican job?
No, I do not want your job! I want my job! I am a highly successful athletic director for a school in a major Division I conference. You are just a whore!
You want pelican job?
I just said... wait, are you soliciting me?
(sob)
Are you... crying?
rabim denar bom naredil vse (sob)
You... your mascara is running like crazy, Pelican Whore.
naj igrajo košarko prosim
Hey, hey... let me wipe this makeup off. You can't let it run in all the tears. Your inconsolability will show.
hvala dekliško človek
Wait, without the makeup, you're... oh my god...
hvala
Coach Baby, get in here!
NO!
DO IT NOW FRED, YOU NEED TO SEE THIS!
FINE.
otrok župan?
...birdfriend?
HOI-BERG!
JULIUS MICHALIK!
(the two share the teary embrace of friends long lost)
I thought you were gone forever!
I thought you forgot Michalik!
I would never!
:-)))))))))
This is so heart-warming. I feel so... consolable.
Julius, I always wanted to ask you this. Can I ride you out to Campanile Hill and we can play spies for the rest of the afternoon while it's light out? Can I do that, Dad Boss?
Please to frolic?
Oh, I don't see why not. There's no harm in that.
wait
YAYYYYYYYYYY
Mr. Pollard, you do realize th--
I did the right thing.
But this means
I DID THE RIGHT THING.
(frolic happily as the referee counts to ten)
You probably did.
PELICAN WHORE/JULIUS MICHALIK HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY WAY OF COUNT-OUT.
176 comments
|
3 recs |
Do you like this story?
Comments
Bellanca, what are you trying to do to that poor bird?
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Shelby
twitter.com/dmbmeg
Showing it the proper way to party.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 16, 2011 12:04 PM CDT up reply actions
I think you should just get drunk either way.
Hey Dolph, you look like I need a beer.
by Give Eddie a Beer on Mar 16, 2011 1:22 PM CDT up reply actions
Maybe. Then you can tell me what is going on too.
My comment was more cause you were the inspiration for that bird.
I have no idea what any of the comments below mean.
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Shelby
twitter.com/dmbmeg
Relieved. I can get drunk, and I don't have any responsibility to understand what is going on.
Problem is, I didn’t understand what was going on up above, either. Who is Michalik? Do I care? Why is RR leaving us? Is it too early to spray my roses? Should I just go in the kitchen and make some cornbred? Will Bill Belichick draft Stanzi, Klug and Vandervelde, and give DJK Randy Moss’ old locker? Will Brian turn Klug into the meanest tight end in the NFL? Did Barthes maintain a clean and orderly office? (yes). Do I wish I were at my place in Rappongi? (no). Would the bars be epic this week in Rappongi? (It’s trashy and rude to joke about that.)
It’s all questions. I have no idea, though, what happened above.
We play tackle football, most of the time.
Ok, I'll do my best here.
1. A former ISU hoopyballer
2. No
3. Beats me. He’ll be back, I’m sure. He just needs some time alone with his Civil War action figures.
4. Yeah, maybe. Depends where you live, I s’pose.
5. Yes, absolutely – cornbread is fucking awesome. Do you make it with jalapenos or cheddar or anything? Or jsut old school?
6. I doubt it, but it’d be pretty sweet.
7. I wouldn’t bet against it.
8. Uhhh… yes, apparently.
9. Yikes. No, dear god. Not right now.
10. Actually… yeah, probably (and yes, it is, sorta).
I'm giving up Lent for Science.
by Bucketochicken on Mar 16, 2011 1:43 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
I read this in the same internal voice I use
when reading William Carlos Williams’ poem “This Is Just To Say.”
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 16, 2011 1:46 PM CDT up reply actions
Okay, so I just re-read "This Is Just To Say"
with an internal Shatner voice, and I must say
It. Is. Awe-somes.
I think it’s the missing piece of Shat’s acting resume.
It would be a step beyond “Rocket Man.”
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 16, 2011 2:49 PM CDT up reply actions
I came back.
It felt like a month so it counts as month. Whatever.
Anyway, I left because I was distraught over the loss of Pelican Whore at the hands of a Montreal Screwjob. Pelican Whore was our meme, you know?
"Yeah! I'll take a walk....over to Kirk Douglas's house!"
by ReadingRambler on Mar 16, 2011 4:21 PM CDT up reply actions
You should really consider taking a break.
Seriously, you threw a fit over the fake death of a fake character in a fake tournament. You need to get outside, breathe some fresh air, see real people for a little while.
I’m not kidding, Rambler.
Before you respond, let me remind you: Brian Cook called me smug, which makes me the Obama of smugness. I'm basically Smugbama.
by Patrick Vint on Mar 16, 2011 7:12 PM CDT up reply actions
Fake death, ok, fake character, ok.
Fake tournament? WHAT?
"Yeah! I'll take a walk....over to Kirk Douglas's house!"
by ReadingRambler on Mar 16, 2011 8:19 PM CDT up reply actions
Patrick's absolutely right, of course.
Looking back, I realize I was acting worse than Chazz. That scares me.
"Yeah! I'll take a walk....over to Kirk Douglas's house!"
by ReadingRambler on Mar 16, 2011 8:23 PM CDT up reply actions
At least now you can stay inside.
Perhaps my best years are gone... but I wouldn't want them back. Not with the fire in me now. No, I wouldn't want them back.
twitter.com/jebushchrist
by jebushchrist on Mar 16, 2011 8:26 PM CDT up reply actions
For the record,
I always thought RR’s supreme disappointment was an act.
My angst is never artificial unless I’m using the sarcasm font.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 16, 2011 9:04 PM CDT up reply actions
Wrestling's coming up. So I will have real sports to distract me.
There is that.
"Yeah! I'll take a walk....over to Kirk Douglas's house!"
by ReadingRambler on Mar 16, 2011 8:19 PM CDT up reply actions
Sadly, no.
"Yeah! I'll take a walk....over to Kirk Douglas's house!"
by ReadingRambler on Mar 16, 2011 10:02 PM CDT up reply actions
BULLSHIT!!!!!
"Yeah! I'll take a walk....over to Kirk Douglas's house!"
by ReadingRambler on Mar 16, 2011 12:06 PM CDT reply actions
I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!
A meme generated by the people cannot be tolerated by the upper classes, now can it?
"Yeah! I'll take a walk....over to Kirk Douglas's house!"
by ReadingRambler on Mar 16, 2011 12:07 PM CDT reply actions
Perhaps you should through yourself on the gears of industry
LONG LIFE TO THE PROLETARIAT!
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
I apologize for my highly emotional reaction. I’m taking a vacation from this blog. I know the voters will sort this out in the end. But I can take no joy from this tournament anymore.
Goodbye and goodluck.
"Yeah! I'll take a walk....over to Kirk Douglas's house!"
by ReadingRambler on Mar 16, 2011 12:36 PM CDT up reply actions
Don't forget your fruit
/Throws tomato at the door as it slams shut
by PackerHawk on Mar 16, 2011 12:37 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
CAN'T YOU SEE THIS IS TEARING US APART????
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 16, 2011 12:46 PM CDT up reply actions
Tomatoes, that is
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 16, 2011 12:47 PM CDT up reply actions
I never thought Rambler would go out in such a blaze of John Hartliebian glory
I await his triumphant return, when he appears in the Marchifornication finals to mow down the other finalists in a German WW2 panzer, taking the title for his own.
Nice job with the Slovenian, Jacobi.
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Shelby
twitter.com/dmbmeg
Someday I will wear a cool leather jacket and chide you for thinking you would get away with this torture forever. I look forward to that day.
"Yeah! I'll take a walk....over to Kirk Douglas's house!"
by ReadingRambler on Mar 16, 2011 12:10 PM CDT reply actions
Didn't realize Hightower was a moderator here
Deciding who he wants to win and sticking to it. BOOOOOOOOOOO.
I got 99 donuts cuz a bitch ate one.
by Pain in the Sash on Mar 16, 2011 12:11 PM CDT reply actions
PICTURED: ADAM JACOBI
"Yeah! I'll take a walk....over to Kirk Douglas's house!"
by ReadingRambler on Mar 16, 2011 12:13 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Bullshit
You knew it, I knew it, we all knew it. We just thought this time would be different. That this time they meant it when they said they’d changed. That this time we wouldn’t need the extra concealer to cover the bruises. This time we could wear short sleeve shirts because our arms wouldn’t have fresh cigarette burns on them. This time we would be allowed to speak in public and have a say on things. But noooooo. Wait, what were we talking about?
I have no idea.
All this anger is making me caaarazy
I got 99 donuts cuz a bitch ate one.
by Pain in the Sash on Mar 16, 2011 1:00 PM CDT up reply actions
Somehow he's reffing a tournament game tonight
Granted its a “play-in” game, but that means someone thinks he’s decent.
I would've voted for the Inconsolable one anyway...
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
Liar.
Stooge. Puppet.
"Yeah! I'll take a walk....over to Kirk Douglas's house!"
by ReadingRambler on Mar 16, 2011 12:12 PM CDT up reply actions
But he doesn't.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 16, 2011 12:39 PM CDT up reply actions
I don't get it.
Is RR not the cool kid on the block?
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Shelby
twitter.com/dmbmeg
I just watched that movie a couple weeks ago.
It has some of my most favorite lines ever.
by Carfino'sWay on Mar 16, 2011 1:44 PM CDT up reply actions
That's the go to line, but I have two that I enjoy better
HChandler: “I brought you to a Remington Party and what’s my thanks? It’s on a hallway carpet. I got paid in puke”
Veronica: “Lick it up baby. Lick. It. Up”
And Heather Chandler has two of my favorite lines ever –
“Transfer to Washington. Transfer to Jefferson. No one at Westerburg is going to let you play their reindeer games.”
AND
“You were nothing before you met me. You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn. You were a Bluebird. You were a Brownie. You were a Girl Scout Cookie.”
Plus, I love the fact that it was in Ohio. Especially with how dickish all the jocks were.
Yeah, that line's importance has diminished with time.
But in 88, when those (you know which) words were tossed around like Pez, it was something to see a movie comment, with wit, on homosexuality in society.
While kids my age were calling each other the F bomb for the slightest indiscretion, there was a film maker creating a scene in which it all gets flipped on its head.
Is the dad more distraught that his son is dead or gay (doesn’t matter if the son was or not)? Why is it that only in death can the father realize that having a gay son isn’t a negative, but having a dead son is? Why is it that the biggest douchers are instantly absolved of their true personas as soon as they die tragically?
Plus, the DELIVERY! Gold.
Yeah, it’s passe now, but that movie blew my mind when I first saw it (basically as soon as it came out on video). The music, the fuck you attitude, the anti-establishment message. I’m still surprised it got made.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 16, 2011 3:00 PM CDT up reply actions
Heathers fun fact
Patrick Laborteaux (Ram) and Shannen Doherty (Heather Duke) were both on Little House on the Prairie.
I enjoy using “What is your damage, Heather?” whether I am speaking to someone actually named Heather or not.
“You blow it tonight, girl, and it’s keggers with kids all next year. "
“Grow up Heather, bulimia’s so ’87”
by Carfino'sWay on Mar 16, 2011 3:09 PM CDT up reply actions
Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
by HoyaGoon on Mar 16, 2011 9:32 PM CDT up reply actions 2 recs
Ah, yes.
For some reason I couldn’t think of that one. Well played.
by Carfino'sWay on Mar 16, 2011 10:32 PM CDT up reply actions
My wife's name is Heather
I use phrases from that movie, sometimes not even intentionally.
Please note that the internet does not, as of yet, have a sarcasm font.
My DVD has a scratch
I just can’t watch it when I know I have to miss 10 minutes in the middle. So sad.
What an odd sense of "cool" you have
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 16, 2011 1:33 PM CDT up reply actions
I would have, too.
I was considering that when I saw the matchup, before I saw that there was no poll. As much as I love PW (ha! double entendre!), Pollard has the stronger Marchiforniaction resume. (Even though PW puts the “fornication” in “Marchifornication.”) Without Pollard, we wouldn’t have had all those glorious prank calls. Sure, they could conceivably have been written with a different foil, but it wouldn’t have been the same with anyone other than Pollard.
If the Pelican Whore had to be eliminated
I can’t think for a better way for it to have happened. Easily one of my favorite posts of this series! Well done, Mr. Eyeball Slave!
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
If she had to go, at least she's happy playing with Coach Baby
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
by ClaybornSmash on Mar 16, 2011 12:43 PM CDT up reply actions
I think it's time we put the pelican whore to rest
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Shelby
twitter.com/dmbmeg
Why
how tired can she be? I mean, doesn’t she spend most of her working hours on her back anyway?
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
Courage under pressure from the Reds (and Yellows)
by hawk6894 on Mar 16, 2011 12:54 PM CDT reply actions 1 recs
That is gonna be messy
You can take that whatever way you want.
/That too
I got 99 donuts cuz a bitch ate one.
by Pain in the Sash on Mar 16, 2011 1:42 PM CDT up reply actions
SEG is going to go apeshit on BHGP editorship. She already has a blood vengeance with Vint
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 16, 2011 1:09 PM CDT up reply actions
Where the bloody shit is she?
There have been many a Stanzi posts and she hasn’t been anywhere to be seen.
I got 99 donuts cuz a bitch ate one.
by Pain in the Sash on Mar 16, 2011 1:33 PM CDT up reply actions
Doesn't she work in the Japanese "publishing" industry?
I’m guessing SEG has bigger problems to worry about at the moment.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 16, 2011 1:35 PM CDT up reply actions
And that. Big THAT
She probably has quite a bit on her plate right now.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 16, 2011 1:35 PM CDT up reply actions
Yes. Did not even consider that.
I got 99 donuts cuz a bitch ate one.
by Pain in the Sash on Mar 16, 2011 1:37 PM CDT up reply actions
Rearing children and blowing her hubby, I suppose
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 16, 2011 1:35 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
I think she's been a bit preoccupied - and understandably so - with recent events in Japan.
I'm giving up Lent for Science.
by Bucketochicken on Mar 16, 2011 1:36 PM CDT up reply actions
Holy Crap
Didn’t even think about that. Yeah. Understandable then.
I got 99 donuts cuz a bitch ate one.
by Pain in the Sash on Mar 16, 2011 1:37 PM CDT up reply actions
Yeah, she's not on gchat right now either. OMG where is she?
I’d venture to guess that her absence involves dealing with her 18mo old child while her husband is at work.
Had to post since there were rumors on the twitters that I might delete my account or get banhammer'd...
But yes, I’ve been preoccupied the last few days with the situation in Japan. Basically all of my friends from college live in Japan, plus the issue of me working in the publishing industry as a Japanese translator (and Chazz- I haven’t done a porno translation in over a year… I only translate regular comics, short stories, and novels now). Thankfully all of my friends are safe, but I haven’t heard from my publishers about whether or not the authors whom works I translate are safe. The past few days have been hard as I’ve seen some of my friends who have moved to Japan, married Japanese men and have children, jobs, etc there, make the very hard decision to leave the country. Many of them are leaving their husbands behind. Their whole families are split up right now, and I’m seeing one after another make heartbreaking decisions.
One of my favorite Japanese teachers from college recently got offered a job back in Japan and was thrilled to be able to go back home after living in the US for 12 years. Her flight arrived in Tokyo YESTERDAY. She had to go there or risk losing the job.
So between trying to keep in contact with all my friends who are in Japan (and leaving Japan), translating 4 comics before the end of March, taking care of my daughter, etc… Pelican Whore’s Marchifornication demise isn’t as sad as I thought it would be.
I still think it was kinda dumb though. Oh well.
Oh, and congrats to Stanzi on the Wonderlic thingie.
/End stupidly long message.
by stanzi's ex-girlfriend on Mar 16, 2011 1:57 PM CDT up reply actions
Japan is not a joking matter, and godspeed to all.
A good friend flew in their yesterday to manage her airline’s flight ops and disaster response. This major airline said they couldn’t find any potassium iodide to ship over with her.
We play tackle football, most of the time.
Thankfully all of my friends are safe
At least there’s that. Families can be reunited as long as everyone is still around.
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
by ClaybornSmash on Mar 16, 2011 2:01 PM CDT up reply actions
I cannot reach my ex- business partner.
I’m sure he’s okay (he lives in Tokyo) but it is much more chaotic, I understand, than we might think. My other friend is being stiffed by JAL in her efforts to simply find Jet A to get their jets out. It’s Katrina x 1000.
We play tackle football, most of the time.
It’s Katrina x 1000.
Hopefully the Japanese government handles this better than Katrina was handled
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
by ClaybornSmash on Mar 16, 2011 2:40 PM CDT up reply actions
I flew evacuations out of Katrina, so I was there, sleeping on church pews. Not sure what you mean here, because we are not political on this site and would never lob fragmentation grenades at politicians.
We play tackle football, most of the time.
This is approaching politics too fast for me
No further comment will is expected.
/UI SID’d
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
by ClaybornSmash on Mar 16, 2011 3:42 PM CDT up reply actions
@SEG
It is good to know that most of your friends and colleagues are OK. I have a former co-worker in the Tokyo vicinity, and I too was happy to get an e-mail from him saying that he and his wife are OK.
My comment about your work was made only slightly in jest, because I couldn’t remember all the things you said you translated.
All the Best!
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 16, 2011 7:05 PM CDT up reply actions
Why don't you ever just respond the post
you’re actually referencing?
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
I have a difficult time figuring out what follows what...
because I only ever check this site on my laptop. You have a comment, then 5 more, then another one that goes way back out to the left.
Forgive me, but I think better if each progressive thing is slightly indented to the right.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 16, 2011 9:43 PM CDT up reply actions
Bucket taught me to use the "up" to find out to what comment the subsequent ones refer
I once was lost but now am found when it comes to following threads. Even when they get completely indented and it gets confusing.
Thanks for the tip.
I think someone may have told me this before, but I was too dense to remember it.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 16, 2011 10:50 PM CDT up reply actions
If I could, I'd give you the best reassuring hug that I could give.
I'm giving up Lent for Science.
by Bucketochicken on Mar 16, 2011 2:01 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Much love and good luck, SEG
I’m not good at the consoling gig, but know that lots of us do care.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 16, 2011 2:10 PM CDT up reply actions
Anyone with ties to Iowa
should understand just how life-altering natural disasters can be. Best wishes to your friends/colleagues and our prayers are with them.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 16, 2011 4:11 PM CDT up reply actions
let's not compare a flood to a tsunami/8.9 earthquake/nuclear meltdown, k?
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Shelby
twitter.com/dmbmeg
Huh, weird how sincere well-wishes are met with analysis.
I’m glad that you and Jebus saw it fit to put me in my place but offer no such sentiment. You win?
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 16, 2011 4:31 PM CDT up reply actions
Well wishes are best served without a slice of home fries.
No one wins here.
Perhaps my best years are gone... but I wouldn't want them back. Not with the fire in me now. No, I wouldn't want them back.
twitter.com/jebushchrist
by jebushchrist on Mar 16, 2011 4:34 PM CDT up reply actions
You know what's even better?
Waffle fries.
I'm giving up Lent for Science.
by Bucketochicken on Mar 16, 2011 7:28 PM CDT up reply actions
I once knew a man who died of waffles.
Perhaps my best years are gone... but I wouldn't want them back. Not with the fire in me now. No, I wouldn't want them back.
twitter.com/jebushchrist
by jebushchrist on Mar 16, 2011 8:22 PM CDT up reply actions
Shit. It was shingles.
Perhaps my best years are gone... but I wouldn't want them back. Not with the fire in me now. No, I wouldn't want them back.
twitter.com/jebushchrist
by jebushchrist on Mar 16, 2011 8:23 PM CDT up reply actions
He died of pringles?
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
by chitownhawkeye on Mar 16, 2011 8:35 PM CDT up reply actions
Keeps you poppin.
Perhaps my best years are gone... but I wouldn't want them back. Not with the fire in me now. No, I wouldn't want them back.
twitter.com/jebushchrist
by jebushchrist on Mar 16, 2011 8:36 PM CDT up reply actions
If I'm gonna go
Death by Cheez-Ums would be the way to go.
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Shelby
twitter.com/dmbmeg
is there anything you haven't done?
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Shelby
twitter.com/dmbmeg
He respects the 1911.
This is very good.
"Yeah! I'll take a walk....over to Kirk Douglas's house!"
by ReadingRambler on Mar 16, 2011 8:50 PM CDT up reply actions
also, I lied above there about not laughing
your comment about only being drunk to understand made me slightly incontinent from laughter.
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Shelby
twitter.com/dmbmeg
look
I got nothing against you, and I apologize that came across bitchy (maybe cause it was), but I cannot stand when people try and compare tragedies like everyone knows what everyone else in the world is going through.
That’s all I’m going to say. No one comes to BHGP to hear my political commentary, or any commentary of mine whatsoever.
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Shelby
twitter.com/dmbmeg
I know it's the internet and it's all about comparisons
but when it comes to tragedies, disasters, and epidemics, it’s best not to compare. At all. You know?
Perhaps my best years are gone... but I wouldn't want them back. Not with the fire in me now. No, I wouldn't want them back.
twitter.com/jebushchrist
by jebushchrist on Mar 16, 2011 4:15 PM CDT up reply actions
You two should date. Or trade jinx crack rocks
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 16, 2011 4:29 PM CDT up reply actions
Running joke
because this is clearly the funny part of the thread.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 16, 2011 4:37 PM CDT up reply actions
Why the fuck is everyone so on edge? Full moon?
Best wishes to Japan and SEG, but the jokes don’t also have to cease. Tell me how to grieve or remember, please. It’s exactly how I love my interactions with people to go.
And anyway, what “running joke”? I was just pointing out that Meg and Jebus had the exact same (dickish) comment a minute apart. “Jinx crack rock” is the same as “jinx” out here. No drug joke intended there.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 16, 2011 4:48 PM CDT up reply actions
So now I'm being called a dick? No bueno. Move on.
Perhaps my best years are gone... but I wouldn't want them back. Not with the fire in me now. No, I wouldn't want them back.
twitter.com/jebushchrist
by jebushchrist on Mar 16, 2011 4:50 PM CDT up reply actions
Will do.
Just had to express some frustration. I’m done now.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 16, 2011 5:10 PM CDT up reply actions
I hope all your friends have happy endings to their stories and are safe.
I had a very brief of episode of fear, as my daughter was just moved to Hawaii and when I heard tsunami warning, I feared the worst. Thankfully my fear was removed within minutes. Yours, unfortunately will take quite a bit longer, and for that, I’m sure we’ll all keep your friends in our thoughts.
Think of me like Yoda. But instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro- I'm Broda!
We removed poor Julius Roberts from the shackles of prostitution and poverty.
His reaction should be “thank you.”
Ceci n'est pas un blogue.
by Adam Jacobi on Mar 16, 2011 1:16 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
I'm not so sure about that.
He signs all of his comments “long live the Pelican Whore” I don’t see a “thank you” in your future.
by Carfino'sWay on Mar 16, 2011 1:23 PM CDT up reply actions
Poverty isn't that bad.
Prostitution has its difficult times, but it all revolves around money and sex (two great things that go great together) so there’s that.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 16, 2011 3:07 PM CDT up reply actions
Prostitution loses all of that charm when one watches Cops. Then it’s just creepy and sad and only funny when they interview a crazy old black guy.
"Yeah! I'll take a walk....over to Kirk Douglas's house!"
by ReadingRambler on Mar 16, 2011 8:26 PM CDT up reply actions
WHY'S THE GUY ON COPS ALWAYS GOTTA BE BLACK?
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Shelby
twitter.com/dmbmeg
Because he's funny.
C’mon.
"Yeah! I'll take a walk....over to Kirk Douglas's house!"
by ReadingRambler on Mar 16, 2011 8:28 PM CDT up reply actions
WHY'S THE FUNNY GUY GOTTA BE BLACK?
Perhaps my best years are gone... but I wouldn't want them back. Not with the fire in me now. No, I wouldn't want them back.
twitter.com/jebushchrist
by jebushchrist on Mar 16, 2011 8:29 PM CDT up reply actions
I knew a black guy once.
Least I thought I did. Later I found out he was from Northern Mexico which explains why he was a great distance runner and drug trafficker.
Miss you, Pepe!
Perhaps my best years are gone... but I wouldn't want them back. Not with the fire in me now. No, I wouldn't want them back.
twitter.com/jebushchrist
by jebushchrist on Mar 16, 2011 9:09 PM CDT up reply actions
Why is Mexico never any good in the Olympics?
Because any of them that can run jump or swim are already up here.
Ahh, I haven’t told a joke on here in about a week and it’s an oldie and a goodie and it feels swell.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood..." - Teddy Roosevelt
I never enjoy tasting
vomit in my the back of my throat when i read BHGP. Kinda like steppin in poo at a really nice park, doesnt ruin the experience but – still taints.
_Nate Dogg_
by BentNotBroken on Mar 17, 2011 12:17 AM CDT up reply actions
/facepalm
Good one Grandfather.
No I don’t want any more Werthers, thanks.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 17, 2011 6:34 PM CDT up reply actions
Haw Haw!
taints
(yeah, I know)
[I’m being a hipster right now, and I’m already over my ironically lame joke. Therefore, I’m cooler than you.]
{… …}
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 17, 2011 6:36 PM CDT up reply actions
i a saddened beyound all beleif
i come home. somone forgot to pay the property taxes due friday
i can handle it,, deep breath
the grandson in 7th grade needs a lexus car payment
to go do dc for the class trip
i can handle it
i work all my steps that have kept me sober for 17 years
i can handle it
then alas i fire up the box and head to my
favorite place of warmth and comfort
expecting to see my charm
my redeeming social value
kick some serious ass in marchfornication pellican whore ass
and this
i mean this
to be duped by an imposter
i thought gene smith was bad
now holy mary mother of eric
and a european to boot
Stanzi to the rescue !!
and what about his ex girlfriend
creator of the p whore?
her angst be greater than mine
rambler be with us in our fury
it hath no furyl like a pellican whore
scorned !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
long live the pellican whore
I don't intend to upset folks with the way I write it just happens,,,
by OhioHawk on Mar 16, 2011 4:10 PM CDT up reply actions 4 recs
btw forgot to mention
nice displacment of spermicide on the beach
classy
I don't intend to upset folks with the way I write it just happens,,,
I simply must concur.
"Yeah! I'll take a walk....over to Kirk Douglas's house!"
by ReadingRambler on Mar 16, 2011 8:29 PM CDT up reply actions
I was thinking
The Pelican Whore would be going to Pollard’s office for his weekly inconsola-blowjob (how else would one deal with so much winning?) only to get busted by the fuzz in a shocking double elimination. Shenanigans!
Marchifornication rolls on.
Damn you super sperm!
I would say
that you have much to learn young grasshopper!
"The possibility of physical and mental collapse is now very real. No sympathy for the Devil, keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride!" HST
by Dip-Shit on Mar 16, 2011 2:36 PM CDT via mobile up reply actions
I would say
that you have much to learn young grasshopper!
"The possibility of physical and mental collapse is now very real. No sympathy for the Devil, keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride!" HST
by Dip-Shit on Mar 16, 2011 2:36 PM CDT via mobile up reply actions
Yes, like
don’t hit “post” too quickly.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 16, 2011 4:04 PM CDT up reply actions
Welcome.
You might want to do some reading. Or take some DRUGS.
Either way, prepare to be happy yet uncomfortable for a while.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 16, 2011 3:05 PM CDT up reply actions
I've been up for three days traight!
Wanna go play handball? I need to cook this pizza. You can comeo over if you want, but only of your carrying hahaha. HA[py St PArtricks DAy!!~ I love that comercial with the Guiness and the guys liek its Xmas.
Whew. I might need to chill out and read my book for a while. “The Things They Carried,” by Tim O’Brien. Ever read it? By the title, I just assumed (quite naturally, I think it’s fair to say), that it was about dudes sneaking weed and various paraphernalia for the smoking thereof into places, but that assumption was, to say the least, incorrect. At any rate, it’s a very moving, haunting, and beautiful book.
Would you have swum the short length the rest of the way across the river?
Call me, Chazz!
DRUGS has officially gone schizo
Half of that post was actually comprehensible.
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
by ClaybornSmash on Mar 17, 2011 8:45 AM CDT up reply actions
DRUGS is expanding his horizons...
now into literary criticism.
First, you make me like you, and now, you’re going to make me respect you.
March Madness, indeed!
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Mar 17, 2011 11:55 AM CDT up reply actions
Oh shit Nefarious
You’re responsible for this.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 17, 2011 6:38 PM CDT up reply actions
For what it's worth and off topic
My lucky nickel just predicted Penn St to win the championship over Richmond. PSU had to beat LIU-Brook in the Final Four as Richmond ousted UNC-Asheville to reach the finale. Flipping is winning.
I got 99 donuts cuz a bitch ate one.
by Pain in the Sash on Mar 16, 2011 2:57 PM CDT reply actions
Wait...PW was a dude...
I can’t believe…oh God…oh AIRBHG…
::runs out of BHGP and hurls in the bathroom for a good long while::
by Wolvie on Mar 16, 2011 3:11 PM CDT reply actions 1 recs
This is the winner.
Iowa fans everywhere should be disappointed that they’ve been bested by a damn, dirty Nebby.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood..." - Teddy Roosevelt
/hangs head in shame
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
by ClaybornSmash on Mar 16, 2011 8:55 PM CDT up reply actions
In my defense
It’s hard to tell the female I-Staters from the males.
:-)
I just thought PW was flat chested
Damn 2D pictures…
Well, to be fair
She’s not actually an I-Stater, at least the disguise isn’t. I’m just thinking that when they’re out grazing on the quad you can see the udders more clearly than when they’re wearing disguises.
this thread makes me want to shoot myself in the face.
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Shelby
twitter.com/dmbmeg
I thought Rambler was back
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Mar 16, 2011 3:32 PM CDT via mobile up reply actions
Yeah, I think Rambler and Bellanca could have an over-all-of-our-heads history conversation
that would still be entertaining to read.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 17, 2011 8:54 PM CDT up reply actions
can I take both?
I need to make sure the job is done.
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Shelby
twitter.com/dmbmeg
.45 ACP'll get the job done, meg.
"Yeah! I'll take a walk....over to Kirk Douglas's house!"
by ReadingRambler on Mar 16, 2011 4:20 PM CDT up reply actions
1911 all the way.
That’s how you go out in style.
"Yeah! I'll take a walk....over to Kirk Douglas's house!"
by ReadingRambler on Mar 16, 2011 4:19 PM CDT up reply actions
If you don't want to make a mess, I understand that four minutes with a baggie and some helium does the trick.
We play tackle football, most of the time.
what does the helium do? keep the bag inflated?
"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Shelby
twitter.com/dmbmeg
It will make your head float away. Derp.
Perhaps my best years are gone... but I wouldn't want them back. Not with the fire in me now. No, I wouldn't want them back.
twitter.com/jebushchrist
by jebushchrist on Mar 16, 2011 3:25 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
This may be one of my favorite comments of all time.
I got 99 donuts cuz a bitch ate one.
by Pain in the Sash on Mar 16, 2011 4:22 PM CDT up reply actions
Something else will do that
It never gets to be easy.
Why the fuck doesn't it ever get to be easy?
by chitownhawkeye on Mar 16, 2011 4:37 PM CDT up reply actions
Before I vote did Pollard use state funds?
by ChryslerKinnick on Mar 16, 2011 3:39 PM CDT reply actions
There is no vote. Do I still have to answer your question?
Perhaps my best years are gone... but I wouldn't want them back. Not with the fire in me now. No, I wouldn't want them back.
twitter.com/jebushchrist
by jebushchrist on Mar 16, 2011 3:42 PM CDT up reply actions
Yes you do.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 16, 2011 3:50 PM CDT up reply actions
Pollard uses state funds like Coach Baby uses similac
Perhaps my best years are gone... but I wouldn't want them back. Not with the fire in me now. No, I wouldn't want them back.
twitter.com/jebushchrist
by jebushchrist on Mar 16, 2011 4:16 PM CDT up reply actions
He snorts it?
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 16, 2011 4:52 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Bloodpunch vs Pollard would be fantastic
I can only imagine the prank call that would come from that match-up
Yes, after an 18 hour day, this is exactly how I needed to end my day.
Bravo. I love you all.
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
User Tools
Related FanPosts on Black Heart Gold Pants
Related FanShots on Black Heart Gold Pants
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
