Joe Paterno And The Bracket Pool

(SCENE: inside the Penn State football offices.)

HARLOT!  WHERE ARE YOU?!  I REQUIRE JELLO.  AND PUDDING POPS.  THE MAN IN THE COLORFUL SWEATERS ON THE TALKY BOX ASSURES ME THEY ARE DELICIOUS.

...

 HARLOT!  COME OUT HERE THIS INSTANCE!

 (sighs) Over here, sir.  And I'm an administrative assistant, not a harlot. 

 AH, THERE YOU ARE.  FETCH ME MY PUDDING POPS, POST-HASTE.

 Uh, can it wait five minutes?  Jay and I were filling out our brackets...

 BRACKETS?  WHAT NONSENSE ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?  I DON'T SEE ANY CARPENTRY GOING ON IN HERE.

 No, NCAA Tournament brackets.  Jay put together this pool and --

  Oh, crap.

 POOL?  AS IN GAMBLING?  ARE YOU RUNNING AN ILLICIT WAGERING ENTERPRISE, SON?

  Uh.  Well, pretty much everyone and their mother does it anymore and it's just a $10 entry --

 SCANDALOUS!  I'LL NOT HAVE MY HOME TURNED INTO A HOUSE OF ILL REPUTE!  WE'RE BETTER THAN THOSE CADS DOWN SOUTH.  OR IN COLUMBUS.

 Um, right.  Of course.  I'll just waive the entry fee, I guess.

 I AM CURIOUS, THOUGH.  WHO IS IN THE BASKETS-BALL CUP THIS YEAR?

  You haven't seen?  Oh, well, take a look.  Penn State made it!  I sent Ed a congratulatory muffin basket already.

 WHAT

  I sent Ed a muffin basket

 NO, NOT YOUR PRATTLE ABOUT BAKED GOODS.  WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME WE WERE IN THE POST-SEASON THIS YEAR?  WE HAVE TO PREPARE!

  What?  No, Ed's in the postseason.  Ed DeChellis.  The basketball coach.  The basketball team is going to the NCAA Tournament.

 WHAT

  Talor Battle and the basketball team -- they're in the NCAA Tournament.

 JUPITER'S COCK, I NEVER THOUGHT THAT BALD LITTLE TOAD WOULD HAVE ANY SUCCESS HERE.

 It is pretty impressive.  I mean, Battle and those seniors have been through a lot and --

 I DID APPRECIATE THE WAY HE MADE US LOOK BETTER WHEN THINGS WENT SIDEWAYS A FEW YEARS AGO.

 You mean the (whispers) Dark Ages? 

 YES.  THE BASKETS-BALLERS WERE EVEN MORE PATHETIC THEN.  AND THANK ZEUS FOR THAT.

 WHO ARE THEY PLAYING?

 Temple.

 FINALLY!  IT IS LONG PAST TIME THAT WE WAGED WAR ON THOSE JEWISH SAVAGES.

 Uh no, sir.  Temple University?  In Philadelphia?  The only in-state school you'll actually allow us to schedule?

 BECAUSE THE PANTHERS ARE A VILE, COWARDLY LOT OF REPROBATES.

 Uh, right.  Actually, they're in the NCAA Tournament, too.  They're a 1-seed.

 OUTRAGEOUS!  THOSE WHORE-MONGERS MUST BE MADE TO PAY FOR THEIR INSOLENCE.  WHO WILL TOPPLE THEM?

 Well, actually, they got one of the easiest brackets this year.  Florida's the 2-seed, but they're way over-seeded.  BYU's the 3-seed, but they lost one of their best players for violating their Honor Code.

 AN HONOR CODE?  THAT SEEMS LIKE A NOBLE ENTERPRISE.  I ONCE TRIED TO GET PENN STATE TO INSTITUTE SUCH A SYSTEM.

 Really?

 THEY GAVE ME A CHOICE: I COULD HAVE AN HONOR CODE OR I COULD KEEP USING THE SWITCH ON QUARTERBACKS WHO THREW INTERCEPTIONS.  I CHOSE THE SWITCH.

  ...

 OF COURSE, THEY OUTLAWED THAT PRACTICE ANYWAY AFTER ZACK MILLS COMPLAINED ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO SIT DOWN FOR A MONTH.

 Well, that was a bit extreme.

 NONSENSE.  SO IS THERE NO ONE THAT CAN END THE PANTHER MENACE?

 Well, Wisconsin, but I don't think they're that good. 

 I SPOKE WITH BO RYAN ONCE.  HE GAVE ME SOME EXCELLENT TIPS ON PRESERVING BRAIN TISSUE.

 Uh, right.  No, I think Pitt makes it to the Final Four, and they lose there to Notre Dame. 

 THOSE DRUNKEN MICKS ARE GOOD THIS YEAR?  HELL IN A HANDBASKET, ARE THERE NO DECENT TEAMS THIS YEAR?

 Well, Kansas is really good.

 BAH!  NAISMITH WAS A FILTHY LIAR AND A CHEAT.  HE SWINDLED ME OUT OF A YEAR'S SALARY IN A GAME OF PINOCHLE.

 Ohio State's also great.  They just won the Big Ten Tournament.  But they have a tough region: North Carolina and Kentucky are there.  Although I like Syracuse to sneak out of that region.  I have a good feeling about them.

 THAT IS BECAUSE YOU WERE DROPPED ON YOUR HEAD AS A CHILD.  REPEATEDLY.  THOSE ORANGE-WEARING NINNIES COULDN'T WIN A GAME OF RING-TOSS IF THEY RIGGED IT.

 I don't know.  I mean, they did win a national title and they've had a lot of quality teams under Boeheim.

 THEY ARE TREASONOUS, BACK-STABBING SONS OF WHORES.  MAY THEY ROT IN THEIR FETID BIG EAST PRISON FOR ALL OF TIME.

 Well, San Diego State is solid this year, too.  In fact, that's probably who Penn State would play if they beat Temple.

 WHY ARE THE DIRTY SPANIARDS ALLOWED TO PLAY IN THIS AMERICAN BASKETS-BALL CUP?

 San Diego State is an American university, Dad.  They're D-I and everything.  They are called the Aztecs.  Maybe that's what confused you.

 I MET AN AZTEC ONCE.  

 Uh, what?  They've been dead for a really long time and -- 

 IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO, BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.  HE AND HIS FELLOW SAVAGES NURSED ME BACK TO HEALTH AFTER A BOUT OF THE SPANISH FLU.

 Well that was awful nice of them.

 THEN I SHOT THEM WHEN THEIR BACKS WERE TURNED AND TOOK THEIR SCALPS.

 ... right.  They're in Duke's region.  Who's also good.  Again.

 AH, DUKE.  IS THAT YOUNG POLACK STILL COACHING THEM?

 Uh, yeah.  I mean, he's not so young. He's 64.

 I LIKE HIS SPUNK.

 ...what?

 HIS MOXIE.  HIS GRIT.  WHAT DID YOU THINK I SAID?

 Nevermind.

 YES, I THINK THE DUKE BASKETS-BALLERS WILL WIN THE CUP THIS YEAR.  

 Well, that's certainly possible -- 

 AND THEN THEY WILL RETURN HOME TO THEIR PLANTATIONS TO SIP SWEET TEA AND BEAT THEIR SLAVES FOR NOT FINISHING THE HARVEST OF THE TOBACCO CROP.

 Oh Jesus.

 NOW WHERE ARE MY GOD-DAMNED PUDDING POPS?  HARLOT!  

TFJ to Jacobi for letting me play with his toys.