Tuesday at the Iowa football office
Norm, you don't really need to do this. Our bowl game is not for more than two weeks.
Yes, I do. Every little item in this room holds a special memory for me and every time I look around, I get a hankering to come back next year and I don't think I can do it.
Plus, I bought a sandwich from Subway last week and kinda misplaced it. And well... it's really starting to reek in here.
Yeah, I wasn't going to say anything, but this room smells rank. Anyway, I'll help you out.
Shouldn't you be looking for replacement?
Actually, that's what I've been trying to avoid. Mike Stoops has called me everyday for the last two weeks and he never stops yelling: "HI KIRK! STILL LOOKING FOR A DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR KIRK? I'D LIKE A MEDIUM HAND-TOSSED CANADIAN BACON AND MUSHROOM PIZZA" That last one was a wrong number, but I'm worried about going deaf and quite frankly, I'm not sure how I am going to let him know that he didn't earn the job.
(bored) Yeah, sounds like hell. (Picks something up) Now this brings back some memories.
What is it?
It's the defensive gameplan for the Orange Bowl
Kirk opens it up
It's just a single page.
And boy did it work. Those bumblebees haven't been the same since. Say, did I ever tell you about the time I went to Georgia in the 1960s? I was celebrating Sherman's March to the Sea by visiting every bar in the state, downing a battle of Jack and peeing on the bathroom floor. Three weeks in, they already had a nickname for me - Stoneballs Jackson... I've been blacklisted by the SEC ever since.
Didn't you coach at Vanderbilt?
Oh yeah. I knew those bastards couldn't hold me down.
Wait, what's this?
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. That's what I like to call the "Predator." Nothing made practice more fun at Minnesota than this baby.
Oh yeah, the NCAA was way more lax back in those days. Nothing makes a player give 100 percent more than having a crossbow fixed on them. I used to wear these fake glasses during the season and then when I would aim, I'd take ‘em off and all the players started scattering because they thought I was blind. It was hilarious.
You never shot anybody though, right?
Hell yes I did. Tony Dungy played three games his senior season with an arrow sticking out of his shoulder. Made him a tougher player and it scared the hell out of opposing players. Damn NCAA, we could have used the ol' Predator a bunch of times this season.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! What the hell is this doing in your office?
Whoa. Don't drop that, it's a relic.
It's a skull!
Wrong. Not just any skull, it's Jim Morrison's skull.
What do you mean ‘who'? Jim Morrison! The lead singer of the Doors. What the hell were you listening to as a teenager?
Pat Boone and Andy Williams and, when my parents weren't paying attention, The Archies. I have heard of Jim Morrison though, I'm not a complete square.
Yeah, I'm not too sure of that. Anyway, me and the Missus were in Paris on a holiday in the early 70s and one of the places we make sure to visit is Morrison's grave. After all, he always stated that "Touch Me" was written about me and my courting of Mrs. Parker. Now the big rumor is that Morrison is still alive and of course there is only one way to make sure. So we're at the gravesite late at night and what do we forget to bring? Shovels! So I'm on my haunches digging through the dirt and finally I hit a coffin. I grab the door, give it a big shove and what do I see?
Nothing. The damn thing was empty. A week later, I get a package in the mail. There's a skull inside and a note saying "This is Jim Morrison's skull." It was the best Christmas gift my wife ever gave me.
Awwwwwwww. That's kind of sweet. (Grabs another thing) OK, any explanation about this?
That's none of your damn business, thank you very much. Sometimes a man just gets hungry. Now give me that.
OK, I don't even want to ask about this.
That was from when I performed my own episodes of "Days of Our Lives"
Used it to try to get a piece of the Parker Bros. fortune.
I was the model for Nanny in the Muppet Babies cartoon. I still wear the socks.
That's how I found out there was no treasure underneath the floor. You can never be to careful.
Don't you have anything football related in here?
What about that?
Hey. We've been looking for that for two years now. I always thought that Wegher grabbed it on his way out. Why do you have it?
Because I could not think of anybody who deserved it more. We got ‘em that night, didn't we?
We sure did. *sniff* I'm really going to miss you Norm, you were one of the good guys.
I'm gonna miss you too Ki- Oooh, I found the sandwich. You want a bite?
(Shrugs) Your loss.