Dantonio unleashes his secret weapon

A lone figure knocks on an apartment door in Montreal

 Pizza!

Door opens

 Wait a minute, I never ordered a pizza. Who is this?

 Hello, Derrell. Can I come in?

 Coach Dantonio? What are you doing here?

 Well, I was just in the neighborhood and decided to visit by favorite Big Ten receiver.

 You were just in the neighborhood in Montreal?

 Yes.

 Ah what the hell. Come on in. At least your one of the few people I can understand in this city.

The two enter the living room

 Well, this is an interesting design.

 Thanks, its been hard finding this kind of furniture in the city, but I've managed. Now, why are you really here?

 You cut right to the chase. I like that. Derrell, I come here with an offer. I want you to join the Spartans.

 Like some kind of graduate assistant? No offense coach, but I think I can still play and the Alouettes agree.

 Oh I think you can play too. I don't want you as a grad assistant, I want you as a receiver.

 Are you serious?! You do realize that I was thrown off the Iowa team before our bowl game right?

 Yes, which grants you exactly one more game of elgibility.

 I don't think that's legal. Have you consulted the NCAA?

 NCAA? Hahahahaha, those idiots can't tell their ass from a hole in the ground. It will be fine.

 Wait, wait, wait. You said one game of elgibility. Are you suggesting I play against the Hawkeyes?

 That is exactly what I am suggesting. It's the perfect revenge for you, is it not. A chance to stuff it in the face of the man who has tried to expunge your name from the Iowa program.

 I think expunge is a pretty extreme word.

 But it's true. I brought a transcript from Coach Ferentz's last press conference. Here's a question from Marc More-something. "How impressive has Marvin been the last few games?" Then Kirk's answer is: "Marvin has been excellent this year, probably the best receiver we've had since I've been here. Much better than smelly, dumb idiot we had here the past few years. Man was he dumb." See, Ferentz and the program has no respect for you, but you can change that this Saturday in the green and white.

 Can I see that transcript?

 Ummmmm no. It's... uh... written in French.

 Damn. Well, I'm in line to play for the Alouettes now.

 Really, you want to play for a team named after a song? I thought you were cool.

 OK, OK, what about the fact that I have a criminal record, does that bother you?

 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

 Now that is hilarious. You'll make the perfect Spartan. Help me beat the Hawkeyes and I promise you: you'll play in the NFL. You can say so long Canada.

 Alright. One game.

 Fantastic, practice is tomorrow at 3:45. Don't be late or I might suspend you.

 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Impassioned by a chance to beat what he perceives to be an ungrateful Kirk Ferentz, Johnson-Koulianos catches 12 passes for 235 yards and three touchdowns in front of an Iowa crowd that has no idea what to do. Those numbers look to grow even higher as the Spartans drive down the field with less than a minute left in the game and the score tied 31-31.

 Led by the shocking return of DJK, the Michigan State Spartans are knocking on the door once again. It's déjà vu all over again, isn't Eddie.

 I can't believe what I am seeing Gary. Again.

 Please turn your attention to Hawkvision for a special message from Kirk Ferentz.

 Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. What have I done. Coach doesn't hate me, he loves me.

 Here we go. Cousins in a shotgun, the snap. Morris is coming on a blitz, but Cousins has time and he finds Johnson-Koulianos with a slant.

 Tackle him!

 Wait, wait. Koulianos is beginning to run the wrong way. He's headed to the Michigan State endzone, everyone is giving chase, but DJK is in the end zone. Wait. He drops the ball in the end zone. There's Hyde, he dives on it. Touchdown Iowa! Touchdown Iowa! I can't believe it. DJK has came through for the Hawkeyes again. Oh my god, he's ripping off his jersey. And it's an Iowa jersey underneath. I cannot believe it.

 What? What? What? What has happened here? It's unbelievable.

 DJK!!! What the hell was that?! I promise you. No team will be drafting you this year.

 Been there, done that. Oh and coach.

 WHAT?

     Alouette, gentille Alouette

            Alouette, je te plumerai

            Je te plumerai la tete

            Et la tete

            Alouette

            O-o-o-oh

 Meanwhile in a joyous Iowa lockerroom

 Kirk, fantastic win. Can you explain what happened at the end?

 I wish I could, but I can't. Derrell had a good day for them, but I guess his heart wasn't in it.

 And the message on the big board?

 What message?

 The one where you forgave DJK.

 I never did that.

 What?

Deep in the recesses of Kinnick Stadium

 Good job. Best 60 bucks I ever spent.

 And it worked. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to buy Modern Warfare 3.

 Now you know Dantonio, you're not the only one who can play dirty. After all, seven got tricks.

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!