Tuesday in the Richard O. Jacobson Athletic Building

 Gentlemen, I can see that you're down in the dumps. I don't know why, we played are hardest, and Minnesota just played a little better. Now it's time to look ahead to Michigan, we'll play them tough and if we don't win. Well it just isn't in the cards.

 Sigh.

  Sigh

  Sigh

 Alright, alright. You guys definitely need cheering up. Now who was on last year's team that beat Michigan? (hands shoot up) See, see. A lot of you. Now how many were there when we won under the lights in Kinnick in 2009? (A few hands go down). We can beat Michigan, a lot of us have done it before. And I've brought in a few guests who have also beat the Wolverines.

 (with fingers crossed) Please be Bob Sanders, please by Bob Sanders, please be Bob Sanders.

 Dallas Clark, Dallas Clark, Dallas Clark

 Cmon be Adrian, I miss him so much.

 Now, I know you all know this next guy. He's probably why most of you came to this college... please welcome... Larry Station.

(Room is silent)

 Guys, it's an honor to be here. Beating Michigan has probably been one of the highlights of my career as a player and that's even if you include being drafted by the Steelers...

 (to Micah Hyde) Do you know who this guy is?

 He looks like he's in his 50s.

 ...I currently am a college football hall of famer and hold the career lead in tackles, but none was more important than my stop of Jamie Morris on third-and-short, it's plays like this that you need to make Saturday. Heh, heh, I remember Jim Harbaugh's face when I knifed in there.

 Wait... did you say Jim Harbaugh? The 49ers coach?

 Well, yeah. I think I even sacked him once or twice during my career.

  Awesome. Jim Harbaugh is the man. What school did he go to?

 Ummm, Michigan. I'm sure you remember that number one versus number two game right? Rob Houghtlin made a last second field goal? It was probably the best game of 1985.

  I was born in 1989.

 Surely, you've at least seen a clip of Hayden Fry stalking around the sidelines in his white pants.

  Now who's the one that out of it? Hayden Fry? You're just remembering scenes from the TV series "Coach."

 What? I'm out of here. Good luck Kirk.

 Okay, so Mr. Station wasn't really your cup of tea. Well, I've got somebody we all admire. He's been in the NFL for 10 years and he's been to four pro bowls. Please welcome...

 (counts on fingers) Yesssssssssss. Dallas! Dallas! Dallas!

 "The Mad Duck" Alex Karras!

 (quietly) Dallas.

 Hi everyone. Wow, what a group of nice young men. Yes, it's true, I was a Pro Bowl defensive tackle for Detroit four times during the 50s and 60s. Those were good times, but so was beating Michigan in 1958. Now granted this might have been the worst Michigan team in two decades, but we put a hurting on them...

 (under his breath) Oh my god. My parents weren't even alive in 1958.

 We ended up winning the game 37-14. It was our first win over Michigan in 34 years. You should have seen how many bottles of Coca-Cola we downed on the way back to Iowa City.

 Was that a long trip on the horse and buggy?

 For your information young man, we had a bus like everybody else. Now the way everyone is staring at me right now, it seems like you remember my face from something but you can't put your finger on it. So maybe this will help... Mongo... only pawn... in game of life.

 Holy shit. You were Mango on Saturday Night Live? "You can't have the Mango..." That's awesome, but that guy was a little small to play football, especially defensive line.

 Not Mango, Mongo. In Blazing Saddles? Okay, now you definitely know me from Webster. George Papadapolis? Aw cmon the show with Emmanuel Lewis?

 Umm Family Guy?

 Umm No. Goddamn kids these days. They don't know nothing. Ummm Coach I think I'm done with my speech. Thanks for having me over.

 Thank you Alex that was great. Alright, guys I know it's hard to impress you, but I know you guys all remember this man. (Hold's up photo)

 Please welcome Zud Schammel. Zud? Zud? He must not be able to hear me.

Kirk leaves

  Psst. Nerd look up Schammel on your laptop.

 I already did. He was named All-Big Ten in 1933 and was born in 1910.

 That makes him 91. Good god.

  (reading screen)...that leaves 1924 and 1900 as the other two times we beat Michigan before 1934.

  Guys we've got to get out of here before coach drags in a coffin. Let's get out on the practice field and let's make our own history on Saturday. Everybody in. Hawks on three... one... two... three...

 HAWKS! Let's get ‘em.

Players run out

Kirk returns

 Alright guys I couldn't find Zud, but... They left. That's not good.

 Kirk can I see you a minute? With West Virginia potentially heading to the Big 12, I've got a sudden hankering for a phone call.

 I'm not sure. I have some special guests here and I really shouldn't leave them.

 Ahhhh what the hell. You're the boss. Let's do it. They're a bunch of no names anyway.