Urban Meyer Declares "My family is boring, I'm going back to football"

Former University of Florida coach Urban Meyer has decided to accept the position of head coach at Ohio State University, citing as his motivation to get back in the coaching game "utter, total boredom with my family." Meyer retired from his position in Gainesville in December 2010 due to serious health issues and his desire to spend more time with his family, but said at the press conference today that "11 months of numbing, soul-crushing ennui with four of the more boring people you'll ever meet" has convinced him to risk his health and return to the sidelines. "I don't even know what this school is I'm coaching at now," Meyer said. "Ohio what? Where? Strongsville?"

On December 8th of last year, Meyer released the following statement:

"The decision to step down was a difficult one. But, after spending more than two decades motivating and celebrating the young men I’ve been so proud to coach, I relish the opportunity to cheer for my three terrific kids as they compete in their own respective sports. I know how fortunate I am to be in a position to make this choice and to have a family that is as loving and supportive as my amazing wife and children have always been. My family has shared both the commitment and the sacrifice required to coach at this level for so long and I would not have enjoyed the success I have had without their support."

When asked about that statement today, Meyer responded: "I was in error in several respects there. First and foremost, I learned that youth sports is incredibly boring. The athletes are generally not at the level of University of Florida football players, or even Ohio State Buckeyes, I would imagine. Plus there are the other parents, and they want to make small talk, or worse, shoot you rude glances when you bellow at their kids when they make obvious, just totally obvious, mistakes." Meyer went on to add that his estimates of his family as "terrific" and "amazing" may have been "premature." "You can think those things, but spend six straight weeks actually hanging out with them and you'll change your tune. They are apparently interested in television programs with names like 'Top Chef', 'Toddlers and Tiaras' and 'The Voice.'" They rarely if ever want to watch All-22 game footage of University of Georgia spring practice games."

Meyer's family is reportedly supportive of his decision to return to the coaching ranks. In a statement released today, the family remarked that "we understand that Coach Meyer finds our quotidian activities not as thrilling as the rush of top tier college football, and while we have enjoyed our extended time with him, we believe his coaching energy can be more profitably applied to the game he knows so well, and not to how we do the dishes, drive the car, or make love." 

Meyer added that during his break from coaching he has discovered many, many other things to be boring in addition to his family: "Popular music, mystery novels, yard care, walking the dog, discussing football with Chris Spielman, big game hunting, oil painting, bare-knuckle boxing, the current iteration of Saturday Night Live, fly-fishing, smelling the roses, watching movies in the theater, graphic novels, ultra-secret fight clubs, and French cookery."

Meyer starts his new position "as soon as I can, God help me."

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