(EDIT: Bumped for general excellence. -- RB)
The Nebraska athletic department holds a meeting on Monday afternoon
Gentlemen, we have a problem. Friday is our game against Iowa, a big game. An important game. The Heroes Game and gosh darnit, we forgot to choose a hero.
I'm glad we all agree that this is a problem, but I have the solution. This last week I've asked fans across this great, barren state to nominate a hero. And I've invited them here in hope we can pick the best one. Everybody ready?
You're the best.
Just for the record, I love this plan the best.
This might be your best plan ever my excellency.
I just named my newborn Tomosborne Thomas Osborne and he thinks that's genius.
Good. Let's bring in the first applicant.
This is Mark Rodgers.
Oh...my...God... Tom Osborne! (Gets on knees) I am not worthy, I am not worthy. I can die a happy man.
Thanks for coming in, have a seat. Now, what makes you a hero?
Oh, I don't know where to start. Oh wait, yes I do. I am part of the best damn fanbase in sports. I've been to every home game since 1979, cheering my hardest. I even call my mustache Big Red.
Wow, that's very impressive. Do you have a weakness?
I am not familiar with that word.
You know, is there anything bad about yourself, I mean how do you conduct yourself when we're losing, how do you treat oppos-
Wait, did you say losing?
I'm out of here. Time to beat the traffic. I don't do losing, watching a team lose is for losers. You what the problem is? This staff here. You just don't know what you're doing. I bet you're doing eight interviews, maybe nine, right?
That's the problem. Eight or nine interviews? That's not Nebraska football, we should be at 12 or 13 interviews easy. Look at our tradition, we should be doing 12 or 13 interviews each year, not just every once and a while. We need to fire everyone, start from scratch, hire a Nebraska man and get back to the promised land where we got 12 or 13 interviews. Losing? I've never seen Nebraska lose at home in 32 years and I'm not about to start now. Eight or nine interviews? I'm losing faith in my school. I'm outta here.
Did anybody get what he was saying?
I'll make sure his house is burnt down tonight.
Good. Now our next nominee is Bonnie Richards
Hello, gentlemen. I've brought cookies. They're little footballs.
Now that is a treat. Your nomination is looking good already Bonnie.
Well, I don't even want to be nominated. I just want to use this opportunity to suggest righting a wrong and welcoming back Frank Solich to be our hero.
What did you say? WHAT DID YOU SAY?! Frank Solich is a loser and I will not have his name spoken in my office. Talk about desecrating a program. Spits out cookie Ugh, these cookies are the Frank Solich of baking. Get the hell out of my office. I never want to see you again.
(as she's drug off by Osborne's stooges) He won 58 games in six seasons! And he was such a nice man! Why are you doing thi-
Door slam shuts
This is turning into a disaster. Next!
Nice to meet you, former head coach Bill Callahan. Who ready to pass the ball?
Hi, I'm Eric Crouch.
Wait, wait, I have your pizza.
After a 30 minute pizza break
Hi, I'm Warren Buffett. I graduated from the University of Nebraska at age 19 and I've wanted to give back ever since. If anybody represents this agricultural center in the Great Plains its an 81 business magnate.
I'm not sure. Isn't that kind of the easy way out to just select the richest man in the state and name him your hero.
How about a donation? I'm sure the athletic department could use a private airport.
Gentlemen, I think we have a leader.
After two more interview
Well, it's down to Buffett or that woman who walked all the way from Lincoln to Omaha.
I don't know about everyone else, but that woman smelled and acted like a hitchhiker so I'm not entirely sure she's telling the truth. I mean she ended the interview by asking for a ride to Council Bluffs.
Now before we decide. I have one more interview lined up. Now I talked to this gentleman on the phone and I think he's the darkhorse. I present to you Phillip Lawrence.
Now why do you consider yourself a hero?
I'm a former Cornhusker and I was part of the national championship teams in the mid-90s. Plus, I played in the NFL.
Wow, now that's a resume. And weaknesses?
Well, I have been incarcerated one or two or more times.
Ahhhhh, who hasn't been? You know what will keep your nose clean? Staying with the program. Anything else I should know?
Ummm. No police escorts please if I'm selected. I can handle myself.
You sure can. Thanks for coming in Phillip, it was wonderful to meet you.
I don't know about you guys, but I like the cut of that man's glib. He's my choice, what do you guys think.
I'm not sure.
Okay, I know this is going to sound weird, Mr. Osborne, but I think that last guy was Lawrence Phillips. I know you were lenient during his playing days, but he's no longer with the program and in fact, if I remember correctly, he's supposed to be in prison in California. I don't know if it's the best PR move to choose an escaped felon as our hero.
Cmon. That guy wasn't Lawrence Phillips. Look at his hair! Who else thinks that's was Phillips
Every hand goes up
Fine. Go against Tom Osborne. I don't need this garbage, I'll go run for governor or something. You guys choose the hero, I've got my Big Ten Network appearance to concentrate on.
Please welcome to Memorial Stadium, our two heroes representing the state of Iowa and the state of Nebraska are Mrs. Louise Snelling and...ummmmmm... Batman!
Meanwhile on the Big Ten Network
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