Ron Zook And The Badgering Reporter

(For context, click here.)

Yesterday, Ron Zook's press conference.

 Let me make one thing clear before we get going.  This thing's about our football team, about the team that we're playing, about the things going on with our football.  Not about me, not about my future.  I think our fans, I think our players deserve that.  If you feel compelled to talk about that, then my part will be over.

 Just from a football perspective, do you talk about, so it doesn't become a distraction, rumors about you or the off-the-field stuff?

 ...

 You know, from a football perspective, does it -- you know, just as far as keeping it from being a distraction.

 /sighs

 Just couldn't let it go, could you, Shannon? 

 /struts out, chest puffed out

* * *

A few hours later...

 Hmm... ol' Ronnie's feeling a little peckish.  Time to go rustle up some dinner.

 /drives to the the culinary mecca of Champaign-Urbana

 BZZT.  HOW MAY I HELP YOU?

 Uh, yeah, I'd like a Whopper with extra mayo, extra pickles, but no cheese.  Oh, and onion rings instead of fries.  And a Diet Coke.  Gotta watch my figure! 

 BZZT.  ANYTHING ELSE?

 Um, a small chocolate milkshake.  With Oreo sprinkles.  Ol' Ronnie needs a little treat sometimes, y'know?

 BZZT.  THANK YOU, SIR.  PLEASE PULL AROUND TO THE WINDOW.

 Here's your order, Mr. Zook, and by the way how do the rumors about your job security impact your appetite?

 ...

* * *

The next day, at yoga class.

 Now this is what ol' Ronnie needs.  A little zen tranquility.  Yessir, a little inner peace will do the trick.

 Let's do Downward-Facing Dog.

 /stretches

 And now let's do Ron Zook's Future Job Status.

 ...

 Excuse me, Mr. Zook, how does your uncertain future effect your ability to relax here?

 ...

* * *

Later that evening, at Champaign-Urbana's premier drinking hole

 Barkeep!  Ol' Ronnie needs a drink.

 Sure.  What are you drinking?

 Sex on the Beach.  And make it with double schnapps.  Ol' Ronnie's had a long day.

 Sure.

 /mixes drink

 Here you go.

 /sips drink through straw while twirling miniature umbrella

 Ahh... now that hits the spot for ol' Ronnie.

 So what's weighing you down, guy?

 Aw, you don't wanna hear about ol' Ronnie's problems.

 Sure I do.  I'm a bartender.  It's in my job description.

 Well, we got a big dang football game comin' up this weekend.  The Badgers are comin' to town this weekend and they're a pretty dang good football team. 

 Yessir, gonna be tough one.

 Been a rough few weeks for you guys, huh?

 /sighs

 Yeah, you could say that.

 Four losses in a row.  That's rough.

 /says nothing, but continues sipping drink and twirling miniature umbrella

 That's gotta weigh on a person.  Gotta make 'em wonder about their job security.

 /sighs

 Aw, not you too --

 Me too who?

 This dang lady reporter, Shannon Ryan.  She's a real burr in my britches.

 You don't say?

 /rips off mask

 Tell me, Coach Zook, how's all this speculation about your job status make you feel?  Are you worried about getting fired?  Is that why you're drinking so much?

 Sonuvabitch.

 Damn it, what's your problem, lady?  What do you have against ol' Ronnie?!  Why you gotta keep followin' me around badgerin' me all the time?

 /rips off mask

 HMM, BADGERING YOU SAY?

 AAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 /wakes up in a cold sweat

 Oh thank god.  It was just a dream.  Ol' Ronnie was just having himself one bad ol' nightmare.  Right, honey?

 TOAST FIRED KAPUT

 What?

 TRY FIGHT SIDELINE COMMENTARY!

 NOOOOOOOO!

- fin -