Coach Tyrone "The Stone" Brands has been named to coach the US Blog Wrestling Worlds Team. Coach Brands put together an undefeated season in Coralville, IA this past season and the National Team is hoping that his nearly thirty years of wrestling experience will translate into a big win in Kuala Lumpur.
Asked about the team's chances this year Coach Brands responded with the following, "With national domination accomplished it is time for phase two. I think our men and women are ready to take the fight to those inveterate slack-jaws across the sea. There will be some tough competition, but nothing for which we haven't trained. I will tell you, take a look at kythom over there. He eats this stuff up...I mean, you have to know...you have to believe and he believes. He is the best I have. He would eat a damn Panda, and it may come to that, if I asked him to and I think we need more like him".
The assistant coach for the team. ReadingRambler, is out of Central Pennsylvania and is the second most successful blog wrestling coach in the sport's short, but gloried, history. Coach Rambler is a product of the eastern school of blog wrestling, which dictates really a flurry of typing activity throughout a match, but often results in very few points being
made scored. Despite a fair amount of animosity shown during the regular season, it seems that Coaches Brands and Rambler are kindred spirits at the Okoboji training camp.
Coach Rambler seems to be excited about the opportunity to coach at the world's, "There is a devil to pay and we mean to kick his sorry butt back to his usual Eurasian haunt. Am I worried about the Russians, no I am not. Remember, I've been to Nebraska and nothing phases me after that. The US marines once heralded the coming of US dominance in Southeast Asia and we will follow in that tradition to cut a swath of wrestling destruction across the region".
The US National blog wrestling committee is hoping that a reinvention of their brand will reinvigorate US prospects in South East Asia this year. Along with a new logo (pictured below) and a new, more intense coaching staff, the team has adopted a number of training techniques first introduced to blog wrestling by the indomitable Greek, Milo of Photon. The training includes subjecting athletes to depravities once only reserved for the most literate of Missouri's youth.
The national team's lineup is not yet set for the Worlds competition, but a number of high profile wrestlers have secured places. They include national champions: kythom (Honey Badger), jtothep (Sulla's Revenge), EnergizerHawk, Kluginator, and Swarley. Though the accolades have come fast for these athletes, their medals will mean little when they step into the silicon circle with wrestlers from Central Asia. Two notable obstacles to a US win this winter are Arsen Yusup, known as "The Tarsier of Turkmenistan", and Yevgeny Kalitoks, "The Caucasus Cuttlefish".
Yusup (pictured above) is a nimble, but powerful, wrestler who uses his exceptional night vision to dominate nocturnal blog wrestling tournaments during his summers in Antarctica. He has a career record of 457-11, having lost to the same Lhaso Apsoan lemur 8 times.
Kalitoks (pictured below) is a force on the mat. Opponents describe his technique as "smothering" and more than one have mentioned that it feels like the man has more than four limbs. Kalitok's camouflage ability is his real strength and once he has secreted himself on the edge of the mat he will seem to spring from nowhere to pin an opponent. Kalitoks career record is 910-1 and he has won the previous six World Championships. If the US has designs on gold this January they need to figure out how to beat these two men.