0100 Hours, Sunday, October 30th, 2011
Gentlemen, it's good to see that you are in high spirits despite your predicaments. As you may have heard, the Hawkeyes failed in their rescue mission this afternoon. And I'm still in that ugly maroon locker room. Men, it's time for Operation Bac-Os.
Yes, it's about time. You don't know what it's like in Madison. I've had cheap beer from every town in the state dumped on me and the Wisconsin coach keeps eating cheese curds off my back as if I was some kind of stripper. Stupid fake punt.
Okay, I'm definitely in. When I was made in September, it was with the understanding that I'd be going to Iowa City. Not Ames. You now dangerous it is to be something you can throw when you're around Paul Rhoads. I've been thrown, spiked, jumped on, punched, kicked and even humped. I'm only two months old and I look 35. Stupid Steele Jantz.
You guys have no idea what pain is. I've been on a carnival trip through this entire state of idiots. Do you know what it's like to be force fed Deep Fried Twinkies from mouth breathers in every county of this state? Do you know what it's like to be touched by thousands of fat hands, covered with chocolate and sugar and honey? That's just the kids. The adults get their picture taken with me, mouths all agape, like I'm the second coming. I'm just a bronze pig and I want to be in my cozy trophy case. Stupid fourth quarter.
30 minutes later
(In announcer voice) The Cyclones trail 31-30 and here comes the handsome and totally awesome field goal kicker Fred Hoiberg to give Iowa State the Super Bowl title. From 70 yards out, here comes Hoiberg with the approach and the kick (Hoiberg kicks the Interim Cy-Hawk Trophy)... it's got the distance. IT'S GOOD. GOOD. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD. This man will certainly go on to be an awesome basketball coach and kiss a girl.
Door flies open
Another late loss? What is going on? The state's starting to get restless. Bumps in to Heartland Trophy. You know what, I'm going to teach Bret a lesson. Until you shape up, I'm taking your hardware. Hmmmmmmm smells like cheese.
Door to locker room opens
DAMNIT, WHO LEFT FLOYD ON THE FLOOR? Puts Floyd in coach's office. THIS HAS TO BE THE MOST UNDISCIPLINED TEAM IN THE COUNTRY. IT GOING TO TAKE AT LEAST THREE DECADES TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND. WHERE'S JOEL?
Cut to Iowa City, IA
LONELY? YOU GOT ME. WHAT ELSE COUD YOU WANT? I GOT A LITTLE FIGURINE AND A LITTLE GOLD FOOTBALL AND I'M ALL MAN --- WOOD AND GOLD! AND THE BEST NEWS, I'LL NEVER HAVE TO LEAVE. EVER! WE CAN HANG OUT ALL YOU WANT. DID YOU SEE THAT DESK THEY BROUGHT IN YESTERDAY? I'D LIKE TO GET IN HER DRAWERS IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. TALK TO YOU LATER, I'VE GOT SOME WEED TO SMOKE.