0100 Hours, Sunday, October 30th, 2011

  Echo base tango, come in. Over. I repeat echo base tango come in.

Damnit, Echo base this important. Somebody answer.

Sorry about that. We copy the transmission, what's going on Agent Foxtrot Romeo?

  It's time to get the hell out of this prison and back home.

You don't mean?

  Yes, it's time for Operation Bac-Os.

Are you sure this is the time?

Listen rookie, I've waited nearly an entire year for a rescue mission that ended in embarrassment and now it's time to take matters in my own bolted down hooves. And I need your help.

Mine? I've only been here for eight months. I'm not really even a trophy, I look like a fish and turd mated. I'm not ready.

  But you're the only one we have left.

Okay, okay. What do you need?

Assemble the team.

Alright let's do this. (types furiously on the keyboard) Agent Heartland...come in 

I'm here, celebrating another Badger loss.

Agent ICH... are you there new guy ?

  Guys, you cannot believe the smell here. I'm gonna need to shower for a week when I get home.

  Gentlemen, it's good to see that you are in high spirits despite your predicaments. As you may have heard, the Hawkeyes failed in their rescue mission this afternoon. And I'm still in that ugly maroon locker room. Men, it's time for Operation Bac-Os.

Yes, it's about time. You don't know what it's like in Madison. I've had cheap beer from every town in the state dumped on me and the Wisconsin coach keeps eating cheese curds off my back as if I was some kind of stripper. Stupid fake punt.

Wait, wait, wait. What's operation Bac-Os?

It's the call to escape and get back to Iowa City. Sometimes when the Hawkeyes fail us, we have to pick up the slack.

Okay, I'm definitely in. When I was made in September, it was with the understanding that I'd be going to Iowa City. Not Ames. You now dangerous it is to be something you can throw when you're around Paul Rhoads. I've been thrown, spiked, jumped on, punched, kicked and even humped. I'm only two months old and I look 35. Stupid Steele Jantz.

  You guys have no idea what pain is. I've been on a carnival trip through this entire state of idiots. Do you know what it's like to be force fed Deep Fried Twinkies from mouth breathers in every county of this state? Do you know what it's like to be touched by thousands of fat hands, covered with chocolate and sugar and honey? That's just the kids. The adults get their picture taken with me, mouths all agape, like I'm the second coming. I'm just a bronze pig and I want to be in my cozy trophy case. Stupid fourth quarter.

  So now it's time for us to escape the shackles of our bondage and get back to the sweet life in Iowa. Who's with me? Iowa on three. One, two, three.

IOWA!

IOWA!

IOWA!

  IOWA! Let's do it.

30 minutes later

Ames, IA

Okay. I've reached the floor. 10 more feet and I'm out the door. Wait... someone's here.

Awwwwwwwww sweet a football. And it's on a tee. You know what that means.

  (In announcer voice) The Cyclones trail 31-30 and here comes the handsome and totally awesome field goal kicker Fred Hoiberg to give Iowa State the Super Bowl title. From 70 yards out, here comes Hoiberg with the approach and the kick (Hoiberg kicks the Interim Cy-Hawk Trophy)... it's got the distance. IT'S GOOD. GOOD. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD. This man will certainly go on to be an awesome basketball coach and kiss a girl.

Madison, WI

I've made it to the door. I'm preparing to open it n-

Door flies open

Another late loss? What is going on? The state's starting to get restless. Bumps in to Heartland Trophy. You know what, I'm going to teach Bret a lesson. Until you shape up, I'm taking your hardware. Hmmmmmmm smells like cheese.

Minneapolis, MN

  Alright, just a little bit and finally free. I can't take another year, I just can't.

Door to locker room opens

Now that's more like it. Maybe things will turn around. Wait, what the hell?

DAMNIT, WHO LEFT FLOYD ON THE FLOOR? Puts Floyd in coach's office. THIS HAS TO BE THE MOST UNDISCIPLINED TEAM IN THE COUNTRY. IT GOING TO TAKE AT LEAST THREE DECADES TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND. WHERE'S JOEL?

Cut to Iowa City, IA

My god. That was a bloodbath, I am all alone.

  WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Oh god.

WHAT'S UP BRO? WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP SO LATE? ARE YOU PARTYING? BECAUSE I CAN HELP YOU WITH THAT, WAIT, DO YOU HAVE ANY MONEY? I NEED TO BUY SOME BEER.

Sorry, I just couldn't sleep. I was feeling lonely.

LONELY? YOU GOT ME. WHAT ELSE COUD YOU WANT? I GOT A LITTLE FIGURINE AND A LITTLE GOLD FOOTBALL AND I'M ALL MAN --- WOOD AND GOLD! AND THE BEST NEWS, I'LL NEVER HAVE TO LEAVE. EVER! WE CAN HANG OUT ALL YOU WANT. DID YOU SEE THAT DESK THEY BROUGHT IN YESTERDAY? I'D LIKE TO GET IN HER DRAWERS IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. TALK TO YOU LATER, I'VE GOT SOME WEED TO SMOKE.

*Sigh* I'm so lonely.