Mission: Floyd, Part Two
by Patrick Vint on Oct 27, 2011 12:13 PM CDT
in Batshit Insanity
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Back at Freedom Squad HQ
We can't dwell on this catastrophe.
We can't let this stop us.
We have to push forward.
We have to get the pig back.
Drill Sergeant, who do we have in reserves?
GENERAL
WE HAVE TWO TOP PROSPECTS
ONE IS READY TO GO. HE IS A PROVEN LEADER AND CAN STEP IN FOR STANZI TODAY
THE OTHER IS A BIT OF A REBEL. WE'RE GOING TO NEED SOME TIME WITH HIM.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY TIME, SERGEANT! GET THEM IN HERE ASAP!
/throws fly route for touchdown
/throws frozen rope 15-yard out
/scrambles for first down
/runs 4 minute mile
/scores 1600 on SAT
BEEP BEEP
Gotta go, Coach.
But wait, don't you want your massage?
/shrugs off shoulder rub
No time. Gotta get to Freedom Squad headquarters.
It's time to do my duty.
Meanwhile, at a bar in rural Iowa City
It's time to do my doody.
/poops in shoe
lulz
/chugs beer
/throws bottle across bar
That's it, Derby! Get out of here before I call the cops!
belch
You can't throw me out, because I'm going to be quarterback! Just you watch! I'm gonna do it!
/staggers out of bar
/punches bus window
You're under arrest, mister!
The next morning, at the Johnson County Jail
Derby! You have a visitor.
blergh where am I?
You're at rock bottom, son.
What do you want, old man?
Derby, I'm Sergeant Hulka, and I work for Freedom Squad.
We travel the world and defend freedom and liberty from communists and hippies and rodents.
And, right now, we want you.
We'd talk to the judge and get you out of jail, and then you'd come work with us.
We need you to help stop Minnesota and bring back Floyd of Rosedale. You'd be working with James Vandenberg to
Vandenberg? Not. Interested.
Well, we'd move you to linebacker.
Why would I do that? I'm a quarterback, old man, and Vandenberg is my competition.
WE'RE ALL ON THE SAME TEAM HERE, AJ!
Not me. I'm on Team Derby.
Team Derby looks like a loser to me.
Here's my card. Call me if you change your mind.
bleep bloop bleep
How did it go?
He's out.
Give him some time. He'll come around.
/lays down on cot to take a nap, dozes off
vroom vroom
/looks around for motorcycle
VROOM VROOM
/keeps looking
VROOOOOOOOOOM
AAAAAAHHHHHH!
DERBY
What the hell are you?
I AM THE GHOST OF J LEMAN
Pretty badass, right?
Hell yeah it is.
Listen to me, Derby. Drop the A from your first name, move to linebacker, and help Freedom Squad avenge me or I will haunt you for the rest of your days.
Have you ever heard a motorcycle go by your house in the middle of the night? Now imagine that every minute of every day.
But I am a quarterback
Not anymore. Either you become a destroyer of worlds or I will destroy yours! BWAHAHAHAHA!
AAAAHHH!
/sits up on cot
/calls Sergeant Hulka
Hulka, it's J Derby.
Yes, AJ.
No, it's just J. And I'm in.
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Comments
Wait wait wait
You’re just going to try to sneak a “ghost rider was pretty awesome” tag past us?
Ceci n'est pas un blogue.
by Adam Jacobi on Oct 27, 2011 12:19 PM CDT reply actions 1 recs
Um, have you SEEN Ghost Rider?
Before you respond, let me remind you: Brian Cook called me smug, which makes me the Obama of smugness. I'm basically Smugbama.
by Patrick Vint on Oct 27, 2011 12:20 PM CDT up reply actions
Ghost Rider the character/comic book: way awesome
Ghost Rider, the Nic Cage joint: not so much.
"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull." - W.C. Fields
Yes, the comic kicked acres of ass
The movie starred Nic Cage.
Ceci n'est pas un blogue.
by Adam Jacobi on Oct 27, 2011 12:23 PM CDT up reply actions
Omygod.
That reference was wayyy awesome!
by EnergizerHawk on Oct 27, 2011 12:23 PM CDT via iPhone app up reply actions
I automatically read your comment in Henchman 21's voice
by HawkeyeRecon on Oct 27, 2011 4:19 PM CDT up reply actions
/Third'd
"TAYLOR MARTINEZ IS AIDS ON TWO FEET"
-@DanBeebe
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Oct 27, 2011 1:39 PM CDT up reply actions
I am about as big a comic book nerd as this site has.
Aside from the (admittedly) amazing character design, that’s a pretty fucking boring comic.
Nic Cage is, well, ‘Honeymoon In Vegas’ may be his finest performance if that tells you anything.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Oct 28, 2011 1:39 AM CDT up reply actions
Raising Arizona.
I love that movie.
Oh also, he was decent in Peggy Sue Got Married. (/snicker).
You can keep a gull as a pet, but you don't want to live with a seabird, okay, 'cause the noise level alone on those things...have you ever heard a gull up close? It's going to blast your eardrums out, dude.
by lo-hi-hawkeye on Oct 28, 2011 10:13 AM CDT via mobile up reply actions
And this here's the TV.
Two hours a day, either educational or football, so you don’t ruin your appreciation of the finer things.
True, great movie.
I still credit the Cohens with most of that film’s positives, though.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Oct 28, 2011 10:43 AM CDT up reply actions
Oh, absolutely, the Bros. get the credit.
But the Cage’s performance actually fit the movie, and wasn’t a detraction. And (probably not coincidentally), it was unlike any of his other performances to date.
“Son, you got a panty on yer head.”
You can keep a gull as a pet, but you don't want to live with a seabird, okay, 'cause the noise level alone on those things...have you ever heard a gull up close? It's going to blast your eardrums out, dude.
by lo-hi-hawkeye on Oct 28, 2011 11:01 AM CDT via mobile up reply actions
And Adaptation
Although that was more him not fucking up Kaufman’s script. And Streep being Streep on her end of the movie.
My day is so much better right now
And really, reading the tags of these things is always worth the time.
"'Contrariwise,' continued Tweedledee, 'If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic." - Lewis Caroll, Alice Through the Looking Glass
by chitownhawkeye on Oct 27, 2011 12:20 PM CDT reply actions
forgive the noob but how do you read the tags?
Bring out your dead. But I'm not dead. You will be soon.
by zimmybuffett on Oct 27, 2011 1:28 PM CDT up reply actions
From right to left.
"Pursue happiness... with diligence."
by Bucketochicken on Oct 27, 2011 1:32 PM CDT up reply actions
Or left to right.
Fuck.
"Pursue happiness... with diligence."
by Bucketochicken on Oct 27, 2011 1:32 PM CDT up reply actions
Shalom!
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Oct 28, 2011 1:39 AM CDT up reply actions
Top to bottom
take tylenol for any pain, Mydol for any cramps
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
Nice Tommy Boy quote!
"No I'm not going to 'limber up'. You ever see a lion stretching before it takes down a gazelle?"
You beat me to it
and yours was waaaaaay better.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Oct 28, 2011 1:40 AM CDT up reply actions
I didn't want to make an overly obvious antisemitic joke.
I can only be so racist before I become “that guy”.
by The Mexican't on Oct 28, 2011 8:08 AM CDT up reply actions
It wasn't antisemitic at all.
It was just a clever nod to the difference in writing sequence.
And you’ll always be “that guy” to me as in, “honey, we should call that guy and have him relandscape the yard”.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Oct 28, 2011 10:47 AM CDT up reply actions
I'm such a great landscaper.
No one ever calls back for another visit once I’m done. Sometimes I think I might just be too good at it.
by The Mexican't on Oct 28, 2011 12:06 PM CDT up reply actions
The tags are the links in the "Read More:" section right above the Comments.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Bravo.
"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull." - W.C. Fields
by rockyh on Oct 27, 2011 12:20 PM CDT reply actions 4 recs
Taxi Driver auto-rec
Ceci n'est pas un blogue.
by Adam Jacobi on Oct 27, 2011 12:23 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
You get a rec
for likely unintentionally making a double entendre.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Oct 28, 2011 1:41 AM CDT up reply actions
Sublime.
That was amazing.
by EnergizerHawk on Oct 27, 2011 12:24 PM CDT via iPhone app reply actions
I can rest easy now and sleep like a baby
because I know that Freedom Squad protects our freedom and liberty from rodents.
Hail to Kirk Ferentz the First and to the "Iowa Magna Carta"
TOUCHDOWN IOWA! TOUCHDOWN IOWA! - Gary Dolphin
I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT! - Jim Zabel
by Bloodpunch's Barbasol on Oct 27, 2011 12:46 PM CDT reply actions
You know what? I can see this happening...
by hawk6894 on Oct 27, 2011 12:49 PM CDT reply actions 9 recs
It's so...beautiful.
Before you respond, let me remind you: Brian Cook called me smug, which makes me the Obama of smugness. I'm basically Smugbama.
by Patrick Vint on Oct 27, 2011 1:27 PM CDT up reply actions
Are you Leatherface's mother?
"TAYLOR MARTINEZ IS AIDS ON TWO FEET"
-@DanBeebe
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Oct 27, 2011 1:40 PM CDT up reply actions
Can you add blood around the mouth?
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Oct 28, 2011 1:42 AM CDT up reply actions
J Snake Derby
"Make it tasteful, but dongier" - Blackheartnopants
by Kluginator on Oct 27, 2011 2:19 PM CDT reply actions 6 recs
Obvious depth perception issues aside...
How cool would it be to have a linebacker who wears an eye patch?
"Let me finish or I will hammerpunch your clavicle." -Steve Youngblood
by SomeJerkPoster on Oct 27, 2011 2:45 PM CDT up reply actions
I love the early 2000s Blackberry
I actually owned one. Too funny.
You Like Twitter? Me too! Awesome Fun Time K Thanks Bye! @storminspank
Okay, someone is going to have to help me out here
The J Leman thing…forgive me, but I had not discovered BHGP when he was at Illinois. I know his picture from Jacoby’s old Twitter photo (I’m actually pretty disappointed to realize that’s not a picture of Jacoby…as I’m sure Jacoby is disappointed as well), and I can see why it is an awesome picture and why it is awesome that he goes by “J”. Is there anything more to it? Any posts I can’t find using the search? Was he involved in some Iowa games I don’t recall?
Right now all I’ve got is this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeremy_Leman
by Notclevr on Oct 27, 2011 4:01 PM CDT reply actions 1 recs
It's all anecdotal now
No one really knows why J has become more myth than man. Or more man than myth. Either or.
Alright I give up
Anyone know how to display the image tags in Firefox without viewing the source html? My googling and mozilla foruming have not turned up a single answer. I’m sufficiently frustrated to risk an embarssingly simple and easy solution.
Anyone able to teach me how to program this VCR view these tags?
by TwistConePlease on Oct 27, 2011 4:23 PM CDT reply actions
I'm only going to do this once so EVERYBODY PAY ATTENTION!
by EnergizerHawk on Oct 27, 2011 5:44 PM CDT up reply actions
Needs more arrows.
I’m not entirely sure what you’re pointing at there
"There are few things graven in stone, except that you have to squat or you're a pussy." -Mark Rippetoe
Thanks...
I always assumed those were tags for the post, not the images. Time to log off the public library computer and take the horse and buggy back to the ol’ homestead. Tomorruh ahm puttin up a fence to keep out those man-eatin jackrabbits, and them killer cacti.
by TwistConePlease on Oct 27, 2011 6:20 PM CDT up reply actions
They are the tags for the post.
What image tags are you looking for?
by The Mexican't on Oct 27, 2011 8:04 PM CDT up reply actions
Stripes reference, awesomes.
I hope they get Floyd back in an RV
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
Saturday's forecast:
E pluribus Iowa
by Subtle Hustle on Oct 27, 2011 6:12 PM CDT reply actions 3 recs
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