The Top Ten Reasons Iowa Will Lose To Minnesota!

10. Maroon Tape. In the spring of 1880, University of Minnesota President William Watts Folwell asked an English instructor, Mrs. Augusta Smith, to select "proper" colors to use for graduation ribbons and other occasions. She chose maroon and gold. As the years passed and without any kind of formal action, maroon and gold became the University of Minnesota's official school colors. In other words, Minnesota doesn't need process, procedure or formality. Expect Iowa to get mired in it's own tedious, pedantic, exceedingly bureaucratic approach to preparation while Minnesota spontaneously kicks the living shit out of them.

9. The (Jerry Kill)ing Moon.

Fate
Up against your will
Through the thick and thin
He will wait until
You give yourself to him
You give yourself to him

La la la la la...

8. Give me a T! One of the most visible traditions in sports was born more than 100 years ago at the University of Minnesota. In the fall of 1898, student Johnny Campbell offered to lead organized cheers at football games. This offer came after three straight losses, and a subsequent editorial in the school paper that said, "Any plan that would stir up enthusiasm for athletics would be helpful." Campbell had a plan, he would begin to lead organized cheers at the home game against Northwestern. Minnesota won 17-6, and much of the credit went to Campbell and his "yell leaders." History now shows it was that late-season game where the tradition of cheerleading was born. Prepare for this week's organized cheer from the Gopher faithful to be, "TWO-PEAT."

7. Bank Bailout. Twin City Federal Bank Coca-Cola Dairy Queen Stadium is the University of Minnesota's on-campus football stadium. In their move to "The Bank" Minnesota finally abandoned the distinction of being the only Big Ten team without its own dedicated on-campus football stadium---however they're now the only school to whore out sell the naming rights of their stadium. It's that kind of strategic mass marketing of a corrupt regional bank best known for trying to block the Durbin Amendment (which seeks to cap debit card interchange fees) and junk food that proves yet again the degree to which the University of Minnesota will stop at nothing to prove their superiority as a public educational institution. On Saturday expect the Hawkeyes to make another huge deposit into the Gopher's "win" account.

6. Road Kill. It is estimated that 15% of all dead animals struck and killed by motor vehicles each year are birds. In their last four road efforts, dating back to last year, the Hawkeyes have ended up either decomposing on the side of the road or as taxidermy. Now comes a motivated Jerry Kill, freshly signed to a new 7-year contract, firmly ensconced as Minnesota's new head coach, and more healthy than at any other time this year (he's seemingly has his seizures under control again). Nothing spells trouble more than going up against a revitalized coach leading a team with good memories of their opponent, at home. On Saturday expect the Hawkeyes to be left lying just off I-35, after being run over by the Gophers.

5. Gray Hound. The Gophers' offense is led by quarterback/wide receiver/quarterback MarQueis Gray, who can run it or throw it when the situation allows for nothing else arises. He has thrown for 747 yards this season with three TDs and four interceptions. He also has rushed 94 times for 356 yards and two scores. The Hawkeyes have proven they can make any quarterback with decent wheels look like the second coming of Fran Tarkington. Expect MarQueis, who's career spans two position changes, four coaches (Glen Mason who began the recruiting process with him, Tim Brewster, Jeff Horton and now Jerry Kill) and eight Big Ten wins (in four years!), to be off to the races this Saturday as he runs the Iowa defense ragged and the Gophers to yet another unexpected win over the Hawkeyes.

4. Back To The Future. So how depleted are the Hawkeyes defensively? Well, Kirk Ferentz took his second-string quarterback into a dimly lit room below Kinnick and told him he had an offer the young man couldn't refuse. It involved no longer playing quarterback but did include potentially saving the Iowa season. All he would need to do is move his tail over to linebacker or Darrell Wilson would move it for him. "You're choice son." Next thing you know ‘ol Jed's a millionaire and Iowa is now relying on a guy who was throwing square outs a week ago to keep contain. Even the Gophers keep their QB's on offense. By halftime on Saturday expect John Wienke to be punting and James Vandenberg to sub in at strong safety as the Hawkeyes devolve defensively into the football version of Thermopylae.

3. Smell A Rat? Make no mistake; the Gopher is an elaborate evolutionary obfuscation. It's nothing more than a burrowing rat once you peel away thousands of years of gradual species development. As a result of all their digging, gophers can be responsible for ruining lawns, killing trees and destroying winning football season. And, because of its small size and lack of athletic talent, the gopher often serves as easy sustenance for animal such as owls, coyotes, weasels, and mascots like wolverines, boilermakers, and cornhuskers. However, this Saturday expect the Hawkeyes to leave Minneapolis starving for bowl eligibility.

2. Floydian Slip. Rivals.com has called Floyd of Rosedale the best rivalry trophy in all of college football. Ask Kirk Ferentz about the rivalry and it's prized pig, and he will tell you it is just another game. But those are the ramblings of a phlegmatic man who's in a never-ending battle to put a choke hold on his emotions and who's currently sitting with an empty rivalry trophy shelf. Sigmund Freud famously noted the unconscious is a repository of instinctual desires, needs, and psychic recollections. Freud wrote that past thoughts and memories can direct the thoughts and feelings of the individual in the present, although from the realm of the unconscious. While Ferentz chews his way through four packs of Bubble Yum and most of his subconscious on Saturday, expect the Iowa players to be unable to repress last year's traumatic memories and leave Minneapolis in need of some serious psychoanalysis.

1. Mika'il McCall. Need I say more?

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