The Maltese Floyd

(BUMP BUMP BUMP.  Fantastic. -- RB)

Hours after Iowa defeated Indiana 45-24, a lone figure sits stoically at his locker. Bruised, battered and sore, he nurses a snifter of Gatorade and relishes in another victory for the good guys in a world full of bad guys 

They call me Fade, Sam Fade, well only my close friends do and there aren't many of them in this God-forsaken town. There's Marcus Coker, who works down the street. And Marvin, the only good cop on the police force. Catches criminals likes nobody's business. Finally, there's my right hand man - Keenan, he gets better and better each week, someday he... wait there's somebody here.

/Vandenberg reaches into locker.

 James?

 All it took was one look to know that this dame was trouble.

  She was older than most women that found their way to my office. Uglier too. You could tell the world had gotten the best of her. Her face hid every emotion, but you could tell there was fear hiding beneath, seeped in the bottom of every forehead crease. She stared at me, I stared back and that's when she reached for it.

 Freeze, that's not a smart move. I may look fresh faced, but I'm a pro at hitting my target.

 Relax, it's just a stick of gum. I've been watching you all year and you've impressed me.

 I highly doubted that. Nobody could get to me without me noticing. Perhaps she was coming from the corner.

 Anyway, I need your help to get back something that is rightfully mine. I've tried with the defense and frankly they've caused me more headaches than I can stand.

 Her ugly face confirmed that to be true

 And what is it that you want?

 A prize of infinite worth. A symbol of dominance and a representation of the masses.

 My mind went instantly to the 30-pound bass I caught in the polluted lake outside of town. The thing had feet for Godsake, but it was my prize and it hung proudly over the cot I slept in my small one bedro-

 The Floyd of Rosedale trophy

 Hey, I was voice-overing here! The Floyd of Rosedale, huh? Sounds like something I'd be interested in, but it's going to cost you.

 What? Okay, I'm desperate, what's your asking price?

 My head instantly began to fire off the things I desired - new waders, a fishing pole, a larger fedora, $100, vanilla ice cream, but then I remembered the small pea-shooter I had for a weapon and the price became instantly clear.

 I want shotgun, lots and lots of shotgun

 Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Not that.

 If you want Floyd that's what I need. I'm ready to come out firing with the big guns.

 Fine. You've forced my hand, but we need that trophy.

 We?

 Yes, everyone. You, me, the entire state needs this trophy.

 I could tell that she was starting to lose it. And I was getting tired. So I did my best to shoo her away.

 Alright, I'm on the case. A week from now, you'll be back in possession of Floyd of Rosedale. By the way, I never caught your name.

 Ummmm, it's Ferentz.

 Well Ferentz, thanks for stopping by and seeing me, now jitterbug those sweet gams out of here.

Kirk turns and leaves

 Gams?

 I've gotta remember to fire my secretary.

 I finished my health tonic and headed home. People stared at me on the street and so did the individuals standing on the trollys. One even had the gall to yell my name, I tell you, this town. While most of the people out, headed downtown to sample the night life, I headed to my apartment. I took one step inside the door when the phone rang.

 Hello?

  James, it's Marvin.

 Ahhhh, Marvelous Marvin, you catch anything today?

 You know I did James, you were there. Anyway, I got some bad news. I just heard, Keenan is hurt pretty bad.

 What? That's terrible, is he alright? The news hit me like a ton of bricks, one of my partners... hurt. This town.

 He'll survive, but it makes me so angry. It makes me wonder sometimes what Ferentz and O'Keefe and Parker are doing.

 Wait, did you say Ferentz? Interesting.

 What?

 Well, she just asked me to help get back Floyd of Rosedale. I think we're going to have a little tal- (phone line dies)

  What? The line cut off just like that and in that same moment, I realized, I wasn't the only one here.

  Hello, Mr. Vanderberg. Sorry for being so direct, but I need your help.

 You have about five seconds to explain yourself, or you're messing with the wrong man.

 Fine, fine. I need your assistance, securing a very special piece of American history.

 The Floyd of Rosedale trophy?

 What? How did you know. They don't call you the best for nothing.

 I've already talked to Ferentz about it.

 That slut. Going behind my back again. I want the trophy for myself and I will pay handsomely for it.

 I didn't like the situation, especially with his beady eyes staring at mine. This was not a man to be trusted, especially now that he was rooting through my fridge.

  Hey, get out of there.

 Sorry, I was looking for a Snapple. Wait, do you have any Four Loko, I'm ready to party.

 Get out of here! I'll get you back Floyd of Rosedale and I'll even do it for free Mr...?

 O'Keefe. You should know it by now. Anyway, I'm about to see the fat man and he'd also like to talk to you about the trophy. Ol' buddy, ol' pal.

 O'Keefe...Another one of the perps that Marvin mentioned in his phone call. The plot was definitely thickening, I decided to learn more about this Floyd of Rosedale from this so-called Fatman.

  Alright lead on. O'Keefe.

 Hey, sorry about your phone. I tripped on the damn cord wandering around your apartment.

The two leave and head across town to the local hotel

  Now I don't think this man needs any introduction.

(Door opens)

 Ahhh James, so wonderful of you to come in. I was waiting for you to stop by. Go head, sit down, oops let me turn off Naughty Nurses 7. Funny thing about that movie... I was an extra in the film and joined the orgy at the end. God, the 80s were great.

 I kept my mouth closed. This man had a wealth of knowledge, hell he was alive in the 80s. He had the girth to be called the Fatman, but he was also missing part of his leg, I guess ‘one-legged man' just did not have the same ring to it. Heh heh heh.

 (to Ken O'Keefe) Did he just chuckle?

 Anyway, I'm sure you want to know more about the Floyd of Rosedale trophy. In 1934, Iowa hosted Minnesota for a game in Iowa City. The Hawkeyes were looking for revenge after a loss the year before in which black halfback Ozzie Simmons was victim of a number of rough plays by the Gophers. The Iowa governor said that Hawkeye fans would not stand for rough tactics in Iowa City and things became heated. The Minnesota governor tried to defuse things by betting a pig from each state. Minnesota won and the Iowa governor trotted a pig which he called Floyd after the Minnesota governor (and their women). Because live pigs weren't exactly the best gift for a winner, a trophy was erected to give to the winner. We believe that this trophy is completely covered with gold and other gems, but over the years wear and tear and restoration has covered the trophy with a thick coating. Which is why we're asking you to get it back.

 The story went on for another seven hours with Floyd of Rosedale being mentioned one other time (it's what the fatman calls his own hog below the belt). The rest of the time, the story was about the Fatman's conquests throughout the 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s. I lost track midway through the story of the midget on the hot air balloon and began to lose consciousness when he just started to list the meals he had during his mercenary trip to Siam. I woke up the next morning in the same hotel, knowing just three things - 1) I wanted that Floyd of Rosedale, 2) the Fatman's real name was Parker, 3) Parker ran up a $550 hotel bill and left me to pay it. This town.

Six days later, Vandenberg does indeed get the Floyd of Rosedale. Marvin McNutt scores two more touchdowns and Marcus Coker adds two TDs of his own. Three hours after the game, Vandenberg sits in front of his locker room. The trophy by his side.

Kirk, Ken and Norm enter

 There he is, the man who regained this wonderful trophy. James we owe you so much.

 Just remember our agreement, I get shotgun. Now let's get to that gold.

Vandenberg pulls out knife and starts cutting into the top

 Whoa, what the hell are you doing? You're going to ruin the trophy.

 Yeah, we lied about the gold and gems. We just wanted to motivate you.

The knifes goes right through the trophy and when Vandenberg pulls it out, the knife is brown.

  What the hell? This thing's made of chocolate. You bastards played me. I knew it!

 What! That's not right. It should be real.

 I knew you guys would lie to me, so I brought a friend. Marvin...

Marvin enters

  Mr. McNutt. These are the men you are looking for. Arrest them.

 Vandy, what in the hell are you talking about? And take off that hat. How many times do you tell you, you're not going to be as cool as DJK. (Mumbling) White guys in fedoras, are you kidding me?

 (Quietly) This town.

Meanwhile 30 miles away.

 Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Another Minnesota loss. Floyd, you're the best thing to ever happen to me.

  HONEY. SUPPER!

 One second. I just have to tweet something.