James Vandenberg Goes Bear Hunting
by Patrick Vint on Oct 19, 2011 8:00 AM CDT
in Batshit Insanity
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PrintIowa quarterback James Vandenberg and wide receiver Nick Nielsen walk through a Canadian forest on a bear hunt.
This is the best idea we've ever had, Nick!
You're right, James. This is awesome. Just two guys in Canada hunting bears. Not a care in the world. Not another person for mi--
Hey guys! Hey, um...Coach O'Keefe? What are you doing here? Well, I heard about your hunting trip and thought I'd join you! You thought you would join us...on a bear hunt? Yeah, I love bear hunting. I didn't know you'd hunted bears before, Coach. Oh, I've dabbled here and there. Well, I suppose you can join us.
Leaves rustle in the distance
Shhhhh /duck down
/makes signal to Nielsen /sneaks to the left, leaving Vandenberg and O'Keefe in a clearing There he is!
There he is, James. Be patient. Take your time. Wait for your shot. Steady... Steady... NOW /pulls trigger
What the H? /pulls trigger
/pulls trigger six more times
/pulls trigger
click click click WHAT THE H IS GOING ON? I replaced your ammo with paintballs! YOU DID WHAT? You must stop relying on your shotgun, James. It doesn't work at this level of hunting. I...I... /reaches into pocket for shot /pulls out a piece of Virginia ham Yeah, I put ham in your pockets, too, so that the bear will come closer. YOU'RE GOING TO GET US KILLED! You must fight the fear, James. You must fight it with your bare hands. LOL BEAR HANDS GET IT? Oh my God we're going to die. FIGHT IT, JAMES! FIGHT IT!
GROWL FIGHT THE BEAR! AHHHHHH! /runs away
YOU MUST FIGHT THE FEAR, JAMES! YOU MUST FIGHT THE BEAR! No...no...no... NOOOOOOO! 
AAAAARGH! AAAAARGH! MY ARM! /sits up in bed, panting and drenched in sweat Oh thank gosh. It was only a nightmare. /stands up, looks out bedroom window onto Iowa City
Are you OK, James? Yeah, I'm fine. Are you sure? Maybe you want something to eat. No, really, I'm...wait, who is this? /turns on lamp I can get you a ham sandwich. AAAAHHHH! AAAAHHHH! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
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What I want to know is
how is the offensive coordinator of the Hawkeyes so adept at sneaking into young men’s bedrooms?
TAYLOR MARTINEZ IS AIDS ON TWO FEET -@DanBeebe
Have you watched Iowa football
KoK is a master of sneakiness.
He sired a baseball team... An orchestra, if you count the bastards!
by SaturdayMorningKegStanzis on Oct 19, 2011 8:29 AM CDT up reply actions
He does a double reverse into their windows. No one ever sees it coming
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
I love the Freudianness of this post
"Make it tasteful, but dongier" - Blackheartnopants
by Kluginator on Oct 19, 2011 8:59 AM CDT reply actions 9 recs
I didn't know KoK was part of The Bloodhound Gang.
"West Texas seems to be full of fake boobs providing a comfortable shade for well-developed pot bellies" - Lycurgus (06/24/2011)
by BStylin Hawkye on Oct 19, 2011 10:15 AM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
It is rather stunning.
We were led to believe he was so conservative.
Templeton Rye'd the Lightning.
by Smokin Herb Grigsby on Oct 19, 2011 12:15 PM CDT up reply actions
My suggestion is to stay away from the diphenhydramine.
"Let me finish or I will hammerpunch your clavicle." -Steve Youngblood
by SomeJerkPoster on Oct 19, 2011 11:41 AM CDT up reply actions
I'd pay KOK $20 to wear that outfit on the sidelines.
Never *question* Bruce Dickinson!
by The Bird Cult on Oct 19, 2011 11:51 AM CDT up reply actions
I'll throw in $30.
I’m sure a $50 will do the trick.
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on Oct 19, 2011 8:46 PM CDT up reply actions
The PediKOK is creepin me out
and seducing my inner child.
"TAYLOR MARTINEZ IS AIDS ON TWO FEET"
-@DanBeebe
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Oct 19, 2011 6:44 PM CDT up reply actions
Why go to Canada?
Sounds like they can go bear and tiger hunting in Ohio.
by 2LastNameWideReceiver on Oct 19, 2011 9:18 AM CDT reply actions
If Canada is good enough for DJK it oughta be good enough for Nielsen and VDB
Never *question* Bruce Dickinson!
by The Bird Cult on Oct 19, 2011 11:50 AM CDT up reply actions
with apologies to the fab four
Hey, Bungalow Bill
what did you kill
Bungalow Bill?
Hey, Bungalow Bill
what did you kill
Bungalow Bill?
He went out hunting with his elephant and gun
in case of accidents he always took his mom
he’s the all-American bullet-headed saxon mother’s son
All the children sing
Hey, Bungalow Bill
what did you kill
Bungalow Bill?
Hey, Bungalow Bill
what did you kill
Bungalow Bill?
Deep in the jungle where the mightly tiger lies
Bill and his elephants were taken by surpirse
so Captain Marvel zapped him right between the eyes
All the children sing
Hey, Bungalow Bill
what did you kill
Bungalow Bill?
Hey, Bungalow Bill
what did you kill
Bungalow Bill?
The children asked him if to kill was not a sin
“Not when he looked so fierce”, his mommy butted in
“If looks could kill, it would have been us instead of him”.
All the children sing
Hey, Bungalow Bill
what did you kill
Bungalow Bill?
Hey, Bungalow Bill
what did you kill
Bungalow Bill?
Hey, Bungalow Bill
what did you kill
Bungalow Bill?
Hey, Bungalow Bill
what did you kill
Bungalow Bill?
Hey, Bungalow Bill
what did you kill
Bungalow Bill?
1968 Northern Songs, Ltd.
Long Live the Pellican Whore - like FOREVER
by OhioHawk on Oct 20, 2011 8:15 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Love that album beyond words
That one and Abbey Road
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Oct 20, 2011 9:06 PM CDT up reply actions
Is Nielsen OK?
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
"I love a woman with a big a$$ who can beat me at arm wrestling." ~ Danny Aiello.
by Blackheartnopants on Oct 19, 2011 9:20 AM CDT reply actions
When did Nick Nielsen transition to WR?
Was he THAT BAD at safety that even as thin as we are at that position he would be better at WR?
Why would you hunt bears with a shotgun?
by coltranemonk on Oct 19, 2011 9:31 AM CDT reply actions 1 recs
Never mind. Bear slugs I guess..
We always used rifles.
by coltranemonk on Oct 19, 2011 9:32 AM CDT up reply actions
If you only want one shot.
/gas-recoil’d
by coltranemonk on Oct 19, 2011 3:18 PM CDT up reply actions
Exactly.
Also, real men hunt their bears in Potter County.
"Don't you'uns think this outlaw bit's done got out of hand?"
by ReadingRambler on Oct 19, 2011 4:09 PM CDT up reply actions
God I really fucking hate you guys
Every time I open one of these talking head threads up, I try not to laugh hysterically, and once again, here I am with Diet Coke all over my monitor. Fuck you!
Awesome post… and some of the replies… I have a meeting I’m nervous about this afternoon and y’all made me feel better about it. Thanks! :)
Never *question* Bruce Dickinson!
by The Bird Cult on Oct 19, 2011 11:50 AM CDT reply actions 1 recs
just a suggestion
when you see the talking head post. Put down the diet coke and start drinking monitor cleaner.
He sired a baseball team... An orchestra, if you count the bastards!
by SaturdayMorningKegStanzis on Oct 19, 2011 12:08 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Or, put down the diet coke forever. Drink scotch or something. jeez
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
Unless you work in advertising
/Madmen’d
"If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be research." - Albert Einstein
"We are Iowans, for the most part if you tell us to do something we’ll do it. It’s not like we are from South Carolina." - Carfino'sWay
by 6 seconds of hell on Oct 19, 2011 2:18 PM CDT up reply actions
I am reminded of the episode of seinfield where kramer drinks a coffee mug of such and they can’t shell it on his breath.
by Drake Hawk on Oct 20, 2011 7:41 AM CDT via mobile up reply actions
Was I the only one who thought of Gimli in FOTR
at “ARRRGH MY ARM?”
Templeton Rye'd the Lightning.
by Smokin Herb Grigsby on Oct 19, 2011 11:55 AM CDT reply actions
Well, you may have issues.
Never *question* Bruce Dickinson!
by The Bird Cult on Oct 19, 2011 12:03 PM CDT up reply actions
Resident LOTR nerd, at your service.
Templeton Rye'd the Lightning.
by Smokin Herb Grigsby on Oct 19, 2011 12:14 PM CDT up reply actions
I was thinking more of Darth Vader cutting off Luke's hand, but whatever :)
Never *question* Bruce Dickinson!
by The Bird Cult on Oct 19, 2011 12:45 PM CDT up reply actions
I was thinking Monty Python
Just a flesh wound
Battles are won with a hammer, wars are won with a scalpel
As was I
The Black Knight scene is pure comic genius
"If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be research." - Albert Einstein
"We are Iowans, for the most part if you tell us to do something we’ll do it. It’s not like we are from South Carolina." - Carfino'sWay
by 6 seconds of hell on Oct 19, 2011 1:15 PM CDT up reply actions
Yes, the black knight, in deed.
And look you left my comment as is. I’m so proud! I think Rambler will be too.
by Carfino'sWay on Oct 19, 2011 1:57 PM CDT up reply actions
A lot of the movie is genius,
But the Black Knight scene is great.
And I did decide to leave it as is. The shot at South Carolina makes me laugh.
"If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be research." - Albert Einstein
"We are Iowans, for the most part if you tell us to do something we’ll do it. It’s not like we are from South Carolina." - Carfino'sWay
by 6 seconds of hell on Oct 19, 2011 2:21 PM CDT up reply actions
The only right way to finish "ARRRRGH MY _____" is Quad
Thank you Kevin Nash. Gee Mr. Owl, how many steps does it take Kevin Nash to tear his quad?
Wow.
Funnier than I thought it could be.
We will become more intensity!!! --What Reading Rambler thinks Tom Brands should do.
by WaterlooChazz on Oct 19, 2011 8:49 PM CDT up reply actions
At least JVB was eaten by a grizzly...
…JC6 was eaten by a goddam black bear. A BLACK BEAR FOR CHISTSAKE!
Although JC6 was eaten by the world's largest black bear
and JVB went down to an adolescent grizzly from the looks of it.
Thanks, Dwight Schrute.
Before you respond, let me remind you: Brian Cook called me smug, which makes me the Obama of smugness. I'm basically Smugbama.
by Patrick Vint on Oct 19, 2011 2:22 PM CDT up reply actions 2 recs
Further more
It says he pulls the trigger 6 more times and 7 new paint balls show up. Is Nielsen on a grassy knoll somewhere?
Just kidding (kinda). Great work as usual Mr. Vint.
You must stop relying on your shotgun, James
Was funny because it’s true.
"If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be research." - Albert Einstein
"We are Iowans, for the most part if you tell us to do something we’ll do it. It’s not like we are from South Carolina." - Carfino'sWay
by 6 seconds of hell on Oct 19, 2011 2:27 PM CDT up reply actions
Schrute, very good.
Solid German name.
"Don't you'uns think this outlaw bit's done got out of hand?"
by ReadingRambler on Oct 19, 2011 4:10 PM CDT up reply actions
Probably more acceptable than my real surname
Since the surname is from the Irish side of the family. All the good German names are on my mom’s side.
I can’t believe I registered on a blog inhabited by the Irish.
"Don't you'uns think this outlaw bit's done got out of hand?"
by ReadingRambler on Oct 19, 2011 6:27 PM CDT up reply actions
The Irish Saved Civilization, sir.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Oct 19, 2011 6:39 PM CDT up reply actions
From what?
"Don't you'uns think this outlaw bit's done got out of hand?"
by ReadingRambler on Oct 20, 2011 9:17 AM CDT up reply actions
Yeah, because the Germans couldn't drown the world in enough beer?
So the Irish had to add a layer of whiskey too it?
You know, Scandinavians don't get enough credit
in the drunkest-population sweepstakes. Koreans are also a contender that’s never mentioned.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Oct 20, 2011 10:57 AM CDT up reply actions
Very good read. I should revisit.
You got no fear of the underdog; That's why you will not survive!
by YouCanPutYourEddsInIt on Oct 20, 2011 9:51 AM CDT up reply actions
This guy got it.
I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women & song. The other half I wasted.
by therealCatnuts on Oct 20, 2011 10:54 AM CDT up reply actions
I polished it off on an Aer Lingus flight to the Emerald Isle in 1998
Along with 4 mini wine bottles. (My row-mate was an Irishman who had a talent in buttering up the flight attendants.)
You got no fear of the underdog; That's why you will not survive!
by YouCanPutYourEddsInIt on Oct 20, 2011 2:52 PM CDT up reply actions
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