Herky is in the House

At Monday's defensive meeting

 Guys, that was a good win on Saturday. It's finally good to get that team off our back and get back in the win column. Now there's plenty to work on - we gave up way too many first downs, some of our coverage was susceptible and that third stick of Wint-o-Green tasted like Spearmint. There also was plenty of good things: Broderick, good pressure all night.

 Thanks coach.

 Steve Bigach, way to step in.

 Holds up 2X4 Hoooooooooo-ooooooooooo

 Dominic Alvis, big plays to keep contain.

Players all say "Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge plays"

  That never gets old (tear runs down cheek)

  Tom Donatell, nice coverage in a tough spot.

  Thanks a l...

 And Tanner Miller, biggest play of the night. You've got an ice cream sundae coming your way.

 Yes. Awwwwwwwwwwwwesome.

 Now, we've got an important test coming up on Saturday against Indiana. They're reeling and we're coming off a win so it's important th-

 Coach, I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you going to address this?

 Oh yeah, the stripes and card stunt on Saturday night looked awesome. I think we can all agree on that.

Everyone nod and says Yes

  So that kind of got my school spirit blood boiling, so when Herky came in on Sunday with a note saying he wanted to walk-on and contribute. Well, good golly, I decided to give him a scholarship. Sorry Nardo.

 Huh?

 Anyway, let's turn things over to Norm for the defensive gameplan against Indiana.

 4-3 base cover two. Now let's talk about their head coach Kevin Wilson (holds up picture)

Kind of looks like Beau Bridges doesn't he?

 Now Beau and I go way back, he tells me that his brother based his performance in the Big Lebowski on me, but the movie wasn't set in Vietnam, so I walked out of it. Me and the missus just locked ourselves in the projection room and had at it, you should have seen the faces on the three pimply faced teenagers in there with us. Anyway, Beau Bridges and I are driving down the coast in Florida in the early 70s, looking swank in our plush leisure suits and our feathery hair and we run into a beautiful hitchhiker on the road that has just one leg, so needless to say we're intrigued we pull ov-

 (whispering) Psst, Psst, Miller. I am so taking your spot on the roster. I'm gonna be starting safety.

 (whispering) What? I thought mascots don't talk.

 (whispering) You are so dumb. Mid-Prairie? I'm from the big city where we actually get a real education. Ain't that right Prater?

 (whispering) Dude, shut up. Norm and Beau are about to bang that hitchhiker.

 (whispering) Miller, you are so slow. I'm going to run laps around you on the football field. You are going to be vomiting trying to catch up to me.

 SHUT UP!!

  What? Miller, you better watch your mouth. I treated that woman right and for good reason because you know her now as Talia Shire.

 Who?

 Talia Shire. Adrian in Rocky. I remember the first time I saw that movie. It was the Bicentennial and I was working in an imitation blacksmith shop. Fake shoeing a horse, fake anvil work, all that shit. Me and my co-worker, I can't remember his name, we decide we're going to craft the largest sword in the world. Of course, we only knew how to fake blacksmith, you know putting metal into fire, hitting a hammer, but we were going to do it. So we get a whole butt-load of iron and w-

 (whispering) Oooooooooooh looks like someone got in trouble. I told you you were an idiot Miller, I didn't expect you to prove it.

 (whispering) Herky, just leave me alone. I thought you were a good guy.

 (whispering) I am a good guy. In fact, I'm the best guy. Nobody knows more about the Indiana passing game than me. I've lived it and I know how to stop it. And that 98-yard interception return. I'm gonna get that record back. Nobody tries to expunge my name from the record books, nobody. Miller, I'm going to make your life a living hell this week. Fatty. You realize your fat right.

 ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT. I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS HERKY. YOU SON OF A BITCH!

 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Tanner, what did you just say? Did you just threaten to beat up our school's beloved mascot, after all the joy he has given to millions. That's pretty low. I think you've gotten a big head after your interception. Maybe a week off will change your perspective.

Miller stomps off

  Now, who can play safety?

  That's what I'm talking about. Now there's school spirit.

Saturday

Meanwhile in the offensive meeting

  And then he goes back to his pineapple, but Gary is nowhere to be found. So now he's panicked and he runs over to Patrick's home and there's this hilarious line where Patrick says, I'm sorry I can't really do a good Patrick vo-

 Coach, I don't want to stop your description of Spongebob Squarepants. But what is Herky the Hawkeye doing here.

 Canzeri, that's just Stanzi. Pfft freshmen. Now where was I, oh yeah, Patrick sa-

 Vandenberg, I'm so taking your spot.