Being an author on a polarizing sports blog such as this has plenty of perks. Glamorous parties, top shelf liquor and sex-crazed women aren't included in those perks but I thought it would be fun to write them in that sentence. No, the main advantage of being a part of Black Heart Gold Pants is ACCESS. I get to go places and hang out with people that I otherwise wouldn't be able to. Like the time I pounded gin and tonics with Ed Podolak and then we took a shit on Sue Coleman's windshield. That was awesome.
But it's not all fun and games. Sometimes I have to do real journalistic-type shit. This week was a perfect example. Somehow the guys got me a media pass to go watch an actual Northwestern practice as they prepared for their upcoming game against Iowa. I knew that this would be a great opportunity to see how Pat Fitzgerald got his team ready for a big game. I've always wondered how his team is able to bring such intensity into the Iowa game each year and I finally got to see it person.
I certainly wasn't disappointed.
Complete breakdown after the jump:
DID YOU SEE THAT? THEY GOT TO EAT HOT DOGS! FUCKING HOT DOGS! AND THEY SPUN AROUND LIKE ASSHOLES AND HAD A BIG FUN TIME! AND PAT FITZGERALD DANCED AROUND LIKE A GODDAMN DOUCHENOZZLE AND SERVED UP BIG SHITTY DOUCHE SANDWICHES FOR ALL HIS PLAYERS! THEN DAN PERSA AND MIKE TRUMPY STARTED EATING A DOUCHE SANDWICH AT OPPOSITE ENDS AND MET IN THE MIDDLE, WHERE THEIR LIPS GENTLY TOUCHED AND THEN THEY ACTED ALL SHY ABOUT IT! WHAT'S THAT? MIKE TRUMPY IS OUT FOR THE SEASON? WELL FUCK! I GUESS HE'LL JUST HAVE TO SIT ON THE SIDELINES AND NIBBLE ON SPICY DOUCHE SANDWICHES SERVED HOT AND FRESH AND PILED HIGH BY HIS COACH FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR! HEY IOWA, STOP LOSING TO THESE FUCKING ASSHOLES! I HOPE PAT FITZGERALD GETS FUCKED IN A DUMPSTER BEHIND ARBY'S BY AN ANGRY WILD BOAR! THEN I HOPE HE SLIPS IN STEAMY HUMAN SHIT AND BREAKS BOTH HIS SHINS! FUCK HIM! FUCK HIM WITH A FIRE HYDRANT! MAY THE DICKSWEAT OF A THOUSAND TRANNY HOOKERS FILL HIS MOUTH! PLEASE DON'T LOSE TO THIS ARROGANT CROTCH-PHEASANT FUCKHOLE AGAIN!
I'm sorry for yelling.
Feels good, though. You should try.