Spurious Hawkeye family tree

You may have seen a few Hawkeye basketball games this year, but how well do you really know the players as people?  In preparation for the Hawks game Sunday against Purdue, here are some interesting family connections* you may not have heard about.

A) Devon Archie, 6'9" Forward, Jr. - son of:

• Dunkleosteus - famous giant fish of the Devonian period
• Archie Andrews - Riverdale's favorite son
• Similarities: Both Devon Archie and his Devonian forebear are/were relatively slow-moving but powerful creatures that roam/roamed the Iowa City/Coralville area.  Dunkleosteus is on display at the University of Iowa Natural History Museum, and Devon Archie has walked by the Natural History Museum on many occasions.  Archie is nicknamed "Dunkleosteus" by his teammates, after a pre-season slam he had over Greek national Leonidas Steus.  Devon Archie's best friend is nicknamed "Jughead" (Jarryd Cole).
• Differences: Devon Archie is not a hypercarniverous apex predator, nor is his hair red.

B) Eric May, 6'5" Guard, Sophomore - brother of:

• Sean May, power forward, currently playing for Turkish club Fenerbahçe Ülker
• Similarities: last name, both play basketball.
• Differences: position, style, ethnicity, 85 lbs.

C) Fran McCaffery, coach - son of:

• Fran Tarkenton, quarterback, Minnesota Vikings/New York Giants
  
• Anne McCaffrey, fantasy/sci-fi author
• Similarities: fierce competitiveness, love of dragons.
• Differences: Fran McCaffery was known as "White Magic", but Anne McCaffery’s dragons in her "Dragonriders of Pern" series are genetically engineered remnants of a formerly great technological civilization, and not the result of magic, black or white.  Coach McCaffery also doesn't seem to hate Brett Favre as much as Fran Tarkenton.
  

D) Bryce Cartwright**, 6'1" Guard, Junior - son of:

• Bill Cartwright, center for the Chicago Bulls (1988-94)
• Similarities: jersey number, a murderous desire to elbow Bill Laimbeer in the head, a mysterious white patch that shows up in their beards after age 25.
• Differences: everything else.

E) Andrew Brommer, 6'9" Forward, Junior - son of:

• Brummel & Brown, the best yogurt-based margarine product on the market
  
• Similarities: color, texture, general quality of smoothness. 
  
• Differences: Brommer does a good job on keeping his feet moving on defense and making smart plays on offense; Brummel & Brown just kind of sits there.  Also, Andrew Brommer is not a wholly-owned subsidiary of Unilever disguised as a family business (Unilever has only a 10% share in Brommer).

F) Zach McCabe, 6'7" Forward, Freshman - son of:

• McCabe and Mrs. Miller
• Similarities: Zach's kind of got a Warren Beatty scruffy look going this year.
• Differences: McCabe and Mrs. Miller were a pimp/prostitute business team who open up a brothel in an Old West town in Robert Altman's 1971 film.  Zach is a sweet-shooting freshman out of Sioux City Bishop Heelan, and hopefully not up to similar shenanigans.

G) Melsahn Basabe, 6'7" Forward, Freshman - son of:

• A plate of wasabi
• Similarities: both spice things up, both bring tears to the eyes of loyal fans, and both are a bit green.
• Differences: too much wasabi can kill a man; you can never get enough Basabe.

* These family connections may not be completely accurate and should not be used for genealogical purposes.  If you want some accurate tidbits, I'm pretty sure Matt Gatens is related to Mike Gatens somehow, and that Devyn Marble is the son of some '80s Hawkeye star... Ed Horton maybe?

** As far as I can tell, Bryce Cartwright is not related to Bill Cartwright for real, but I could be wrong.  They are both from California, but from different parts.  Also, Bill Cartwright is 900 years old.