Joe Paterno Retains A Quarterback

Scene: The Outback Bowl. Penn State and Florida have battled to a 30-24 score late in the fourth quarter. Penn State has the ball, and quarterback Matt McGloin is trying to drive his team down the field for the winning score.

Iconjoepa_medium YOU CAN DO IT

Iconjoepa_medium THROW A TOUCHDOWN IMMEDIATELY

Iconjoepa_medium I TRUST YOU COMPLETELY, RED-HEADED AND NOODLE-ARMED WALK-ON

Iconrobbolden_medium Um, coach, you gave me a scholarship to come here, and you didn't give one to that guy, and he is blowing yet another game for us. I'm finally healthy now, so I'm ready to start playing as much as I did during the first half of the season when I was starting. Also I am not even 20 years old so I am totally fucking irrational.

Iconjoepa_medium WHO ARE YOU

Iconrobbolden_medium ugggghhhhhhhhhh

Iconrobbolden_medium I want to transfer.

Iconjoepa_medium BE QUIET FOR ONCE AND OBSERVE MY BEST QUARTERBACK EVE /throws his fifth interception of the game

Matt McGloin throws his fifth interception of the game.

Iconjoepa_medium WHAT

Ahmad Black slowly returns the interception unimpeded.

Iconmicrophone_medium This player was told he was too slow for football over and over!

Flippydooiconmicrophone2_medium He sure was!

Iconmicrophone_medium How ironic that he returns an interception for a touchdown when everyone was in agreement that he is molasses in a secondary!

Iconmcgloin_medium /doesn't even bother trying to chase Black

Flippydooiconmicrophone2_medium This return is heroically taking forever! He runs a leader-like 5.2 40!

Ahmad Black scores a touchdown to seal the victory for Florida.

Iconjoepa_medium WHAT WAS THAT

Iconjoepa_medium THAT GANG OF SCOUNDRELS MUST HAVE CHEATED

Iconjoepa_medium THAT INTERCEPTION RETURN TOOK FORTY AND TWO SECONDS, AND NOBODY ON MY ENTIRE TEAM WAS THERE TO TACKLE THIS OBESE, SLOVENLY DEFENSIVE BACK BEFORE HE SCORED

Iconjoepa_medium THIS IS UNNATURAL

Iconmcgloin_medium /keeps just standing there

Iconrobbolden_medium Seriously, coach, if this the guy you're going to put out at quarterback instead of me, I'm just going to go somewhere else while I'm still young.

Iconjoepa_medium THAT IS OKAY

Iconjoepa_medium WHO ARE YOU AGAIN AND WHAT POSITION DO YOU PLAY

Iconrobbolden_medium I'm Robert Bolden, your backup quarterback. Now, can I transfer already?

Iconjoepa_medium OH

Iconjoepa_medium NO

Iconrobbolden_medium Wait. I can't?

Iconjoepa_medium NO

Iconjoepa_medium I NEED YOU NOW

Iconrobbolden_medium You completely screwed me over once I was healthy and you lied to me about playing time, and now the season is over for the next eight months. I'm done with this. I'm going somewhere else

Iconjoepa_medium ABSOLUTELY NOT, YOUNG ROBERT

Iconjoepa_medium I WAS TRICKED INTO HANDING MY QUARTERBACK POSITION TO A DIRTY IRISHER

Jaypa_medium Wait, isn't "McGloin" Scottish?

Iconjoepa_medium DOES IT SOUND LIKE DOG VOMIT

Jaypa_medium Um... mic-glo-een... no, not really.

Iconjoepa_medium THEN IT IS NOT THE NOBLE SCOTTISH

Iconjoepa_medium THIS IS EVERY SCOTTISH WORD EVER

Iconjoepa_medium LAPHROAIGFRAOGHRAFLAGLLAPHLAIG

Jaypa_medium Point taken, coach.

Iconjoepa_medium ROBERT IS A SCOTTISH NAME

Jaypa_medium But didn't you just say all Sco

Iconjoepa_medium I LIKE YOU ROBERT

Iconrobbolden_medium Well, thank you, I think. But I truly hate it here and I have zero motivation to actually help this football team. You took away a starting role from a true freshman and this is what happens. Do you really want to depend on a quarterback who's going to approach the game with all the commitment and intensity of Ken Griffey Jr. during his first four years with the Cincinnati Reds?

Iconjoepa_medium IT'S EITHER THAT OR A RED-HEADED ASSCHILD SO FRANKLY I LIKE MY ODDS

Iconrobbolden_medium That's it, I'm going to the press and telling them how pissed off I am at you

Iconjoepa_medium IS THAT SO

Iconrobbolden_medium And my dad will back me up.

 

Iconjoepa_medium I SEE

Iconrobbolden_medium And I'll tell them everybody on the team agrees that I should be allowed to transfer.

Iconjoepa_medium WELL THEN

Iconrobbolden_medium I'm already getting texts from prospective coaches! Check this out.

Iconedsall_medium Hello, Robert! This is Randy Edsall! Word on the street is that you're feeling crappy at PSU.

Iconedsall_medium Well let me be the first to invite you to my new school, Massachusetts!

Iconedsall_medium You can transfer to Massachusetts, a traditional I-AA power, without even losing a year of eligibility, so you can win a championship the very next year!

Iconedsall_medium It's basically my dream job!

Iconedsall_medium Wait... crap. Crap crap crap. Disregard everything I said before. I apparently signed with Maryland.

Iconedsall_medium I guess that's why I got so much money.

Iconedsall_medium Um... what I meant was Maryland is my dream job!

Iconrobbolden_medium God damn it.

Iconjoepa_medium I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SMARTER THAN EVERY OTHER COACH IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL

Iconrobbolden_medium Ugggghhhhhhhhh.

Iconjoepa_medium I WIN AGAIN

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