In light of recent events, Iowa head coach Kirk Ferentz has announced that Iowa will not have a single running back on the team next year.
"That's it. We lost the war. AIRBHG has officially brought about the ultimate demise of the running back position at the University of Iowa." Said Coach Ferentz in a statement. When asked about the recent disappearance of Marcus Coker, the running back who everyone assumed would take over the position next year Ferentz said this, "I've said it all along. It's all about execution. That's what appears to be the case here as well. Execution."
Most Hawkeye fans will recall that before the disappearance of Coker the Hawkeyes had lost every other running back on the roster in some form or another. A brief recap of recent events:
1.) Rodney Coe decommits from Iowa citing another opportunity that was simply too tempting to pass up on. Two days later he was seen working as a bouncer at Daisy Dukes strip club in the Quad Cities. Coe commented, "Some people don't realize it but this is the premier strip club in the entire state of Iowa. It's always been a dream of mine to work here and these last two days have been incredible. I hope that Iowa fans will understand but, I mean, have you seen the type of stuff they do here. I just hope this is all legal because it's fun as hell."
2.) During a recruiting visit De'Andre Johnson challenged recent running back commit Mikail McCall to a Panchero's burrito eating competition. After finishing a respectable 2nd chicken burrito with all the fixins (including a ridiculously priced $1.00 queso topping) Johnson recalled what he witnessed, "He just blew up. You know, he just exploded. It was pretty disgusting. He was a full burrito ahead of me and working on his 4th. That's a lot and all, but I would have gotten 5 down no questions asked if the competition hadn't ended prematurely so I'm going to go ahead and delare myself the champion. It's just sad that we'll never get to find out who really would have won."
After the mess was cleaned up Johnson was immediately taken into police custody and arrested for manslaughter. Exercising his right to a speedy trial Johnson appeared in court the next day where he received a 20 year sentence.
3.) When asked about walk-on running back Jason White, Kirk Ferentz responded, "Yeah we don't even know about that one. It's one of those things where we're just going to go ahead and chaulk him up as a loss to AIRBHG and call it a day. Jason, if you're alive somewhere out there be thankful and stay away from the football complex."
AIRBHG could not be reached for comment. Presumably because HIS WORK HERE IS FUCKING FINISHED.
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