(Easy bump. -- Ross)
November 27th, 2010
After calling Iowa City home for the last three years, and 8 of the last 10, I have become quite comfortable in the Iowa trophy case. When this year began I expected to have another year in my beloved home state, maybe even a chance to meet the granddaddy of all trophies.
I was further encouraged when Cy-Hawk stayed home, even though he’s an ugly sonuva bitch to look at. I wasn’t too broke up when Heartland moved out, I was tired of putting up with his bullshit. And even though the team crapped the bed against JNW and the Fighting Tatoos, I figured they would pull it together for my game. I mean Iowa had more NFL Players on its roster than Minnesota had D-1 athletes. Minnesota was recovering from the Tim Brewster
outbreak infection era and their interim coach thinks the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentleman start your engines." I am still in shock that I changed hands. Now I have to be pawed by a bunch of losers who haven't seen a trophy since High School. Right now I am just trying to not think about spending an entire year in Minneapolis.
December 1st, 2010
Firmly ensconced in the Minnesota Trophy room. Its me, a bunch of old fogeys, a couple of music city bowls and a 2010 Insight Bowl participation certificate. This is going to be a long year.
December 6th, 2010
Minnesota just hired a guy named Kill. He is a big improvement over Brewster. The same, of course, could be said for a raging case of gonorrhea.
December 13th, 2010
Big Ten Divisions came out. I’m ecstatic that they kept my game intact, even if Legends and Leaders sounds more like a History Channel show then football divisions. No word on my suggestion to change the name to the Pig Ten… A swine can dream right?
December 20th, 2010
Joel Maturi came to visit, and I still have shudders. He crept in late last night, got really close to my case and slowly put one hand down his pants. I could smell Leinenkugels and Grain Belt on his breath. I got scared but he just stood there fogging up my glass and looking at me. After a few minutes he left without saying a word. Get. Me. Out of here.
December 23rd, 2010
I always get sad around this time of year. All those Christmas hams you know. Took a walk around campus to raise my spirits and I felt like I fit right in. It’s not such a bad place if you are a squat, doughy, pig.
December 28th, 2010
Iowa just added a new trophy to their case, and even though it looks like a fish got it on with a turd, I wish I could have been there to welcome it. Meeting the Orange bowl is still one of the highlights of my life (she smelled like citrus and patriotism). God knows when the next time these jokers are going to bring me some company. I haven’t been together with my friend the Axe since 1990... Oh well, at least I don't have to put up with that obnoxious jug. I haven't disliked a trophy more since talking Hauser into getting rid of that bastard Slab of Bacon.
January 4th, 2011
Minnesota played Augustana in fencing today. I heard the crowd started a who hates Iowa chant. God this school is pathetic.
January 8th, 2011
Had bacon pancakes, followed by a pork chop double down for breakfast today. I know what you are thinking, so let me stop you right there, just because I am a pig does not mean I have to worry about cholesterol, I happen to work out and have a pretty low weight... for a bronze pig.
January 11th, 2011
Brewster stopped by today. He was wearing a fake glasses/nose/mustache disguise and humming the mission impossible theme under his breath. I think he broke in to steal me, but luckily, he had no idea what I looked like and made off with a women's basketball sportsmanship award, a replica crystal ball trophy and a life size cut out of Seantrel Hendersen. Good thing the administration here covered up the part of me that says 55-0.
January 16th, 2011
Tubby had a guy come in after the Iowa game to make sure there was room for an NCCA Championship Basketball Trophy. I didn’t know Rick Pitino was going to hand him another one. Oh well, at least he doesn’t tape new dates over old championship trophies every year (I'm looking at you Todd Lickliter).
January 17th, 2011
Happy MLK Day. This day has special meaning to me, seeing as how I was created as a way to ease tensions after the Gopher football team repeatedly took cheap shots at Iowa's star black running back. In other news it snowed again today. Par for the course for a city that has three weeks of summer. I don't know how many more times I can watch Babe and reruns of Orson and Friends. I am almost getting to the point where watching Gordy and drinking Hawkeye vodka every time I want to punch someone sounds like a good idea. Is it Oct. 29th yet?