Beyond the Cheers: An Interview with Pelican Whore

Pelican Whore negotiating with a john in Glendale, AZ. (Photo: stanzi's ex-girlfriend)

[Editors note:  You must read the first and second half BCS Championship Game open threads for the backstory.]

Name:

Pelican Whore

Age:

21 years old (42 in human years)

Born:

Whitefish Bay, The U.P., Michigan

Mascot jobs:

  • Lake Superior State University, cross-country (unofficial)
  • Sheboygan South High School, football
  • Tulane University, all sports
  • Yakult Swallows, Japanese Baseball League (back-up)
  • Yokohama Kentucky Fried Chicken, print commercial

USA Today once called mascoting one of the ten worst jobs in sports. If it's not unruly fans, it's searing heat or frigid weather and the threat of sideline collisions which tests the staying power of even the most loyal mascot. Some mascots are able to have long, successful careers moving from high school to college and eventually, for a very few, to the pros. But that career path is typically reserved for Lions, Tigers and Bears of the mascot world. That's not to say that an unconventional mascot can't make a living in the fickle world of acting like a fool on the sidelines or a sporting event. BHGP caught up with Pelican Whore, whose once promising mascot career was derailed after a pooping prank against a conference foe.

BHGP: So Pelican Whore, how did it all start?

Pelican Whore: I grew up as an only pelican in a fairly conservative area on the shoreline of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, near the Ontario border. My father was a greeter at the Porcupine Lodge for many years and my mom scavenged the local church dumpster. I had a pretty happy childhood.

BHGP:  How did you get into mascoting?

Pelican Whore: I used to sit on the seat back of a park bench in Sault Ste. Marie, one day the cross-country coach asked me if I would be his team's good luck charm. I figured why not. Then a year later after a long day of plunge-diving in Lake Michigan I decided to squat on a goal post during an intersectional rivalry game between South High School and Landmark Christian Academy in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Late in the game I started drying my wings during a point after attempt and distracted the LCA kicker. He missed the game winner and a star was born.

BHGP: How does a Pelican from Sheboygan get to the big time?

Pelican Whore: I was scavenging the grounds at Chester's Drive-in in Plymouth, outside Sheboygan with an Osprey and a Turkey Vulture when a cousin of mine from the Gulf who was visiting told me Tulane University was looking for a "performing" pelican to replace their Foamy Gumby-shaped Green Wave mascot. I knew their football team was coming off an historic undefeated season, and turns out the students who finally gave a damn about football told the administration they wanted something more authentic as their mascot. Remember, those were the politically correct years and the animal rights movement was starting to take off, so those were good times for a lot of us mascots. God love those Gen X'ers. Truthfully though, I just wanted a better job so I flew down for the tryout.

BHGP: So at the tryout did you show off some aerial maneuvers? What was your approach?

Pelican Whore: No, actually. That's what the other pelicans were doing of course, but a crowd pleaser in Sheboygan was landing on the goal post. That ain't squat on the Gulf Coast. You have to realize that those Pelicans down south are just so much faster, bigger, and they're doing aerials all year long. I went another direction at the tryout and did some tricks with ping-pong balls and a cigarette. Next thing you know, Old Jed's a millionaire.

BHGP: There were rumors that you slept with one of the judges. Is that true?

Pelican Whore: No comment.

BHGP: So you become the Tulane Green Wave mascot, but not for long. What happened?

Pelican Whore: Well, the next season we're playing East Carolina and they were kind of a rival so I loaded up on crustaceans and a dead pigeon the night before the game and in the 3rd quarter after we were down by 3 or 4 touchdowns I dropped a deuce on Pee Dee the Pirate's foam head. Technically it hit his hat but he was standing next to the East Carolina Associate AD and there was some splatter. The crowd loved it but when the Tulane admin got wind of it, they were livid. They replaced me with a human suited Pelican. It was joke, but I screwed up. It happens.

BHGP: That must have been tough?

Pelican Whore: Well, I was pissed. The crowd loved those kinds of antics. I mean shit, this was the San Diego Chicken era so I thought I was pretty domesticated. But that's the difference between pro and college. At any rate, I was confident I'd land on my webbed feet. There are 119 teams in D-1 football so I started dialing for dollars. Over the next year I got a tryout at Oregon, then one at Air Force, and even Delaware, but when nothing panned out I started to panic. Then a break! Stanford was being forced to dump their Indian. I got an interview and made it to the final round in the tryouts, but they eventually went with a tree. I lost out to a fucking tree! That's when I started drinking. Eventually I split to Japan.

BHGP: How'd that workout?

Pelican Whore: Pretty damn good at first. I got a few nice gigs. Worked in print for a Kentucky Fried Chicken, was a back-up for one of the pro baseball teams there, but then times got tough. I was just partying too much by then, I even started doing birthday parties for sardines and shit. After six months I was living in an alley behind a tuna cannery in Tokyo, and that's when I started hooking.

[to be continued...]

____________________________

Preview of Part II:

BHGP: Who are your favorite Big Ten mascots?

Pelican Whore: I've hung out with Purdue Pete at a couple of functions. We were in a 12 Step program together in Muncie for a while. He's really sweet. Goldy Gopher, mainly because of Caddy Shack, is a total diva. I've heard that Bucky the Badger is really just a weasel. I don't know Sparty, Willie or the Nittany Lion, and I've never met Herky in person. Although I must say, I find Herky a bit effeminate for this conference. Not that there's anything wrong with that. By the way, you got a light?

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