Gene Chizik Calls Jamie Pollard

Pollard_medium

Iconpollard_medium  And then one day the boy came back, and the tree shook with joy and said, "Come, boy, climb up my trunk and swing from my branches and be happy."
Iconpollard_medium  /turns page
Iconpollard_medium  "I am too busy to climb trees," said the
Iconpollard_medium  Fred...
Hoiberg_medium  /opens bottle of white-out
Iconpollard_medium  Fred, stay out of that.
Iconphone45_medium  BRRRRRRING
Hoiberg_medium  /eats white-out
Iconpollard_medium  Fred, I said to stay out of that and come listen to the story.
Iconphone45_medium  BRRRRRRING
Iconpollard_medium  God damn it
Iconpollard_medium  Hello?
Chizikicon_medium  Jamie?
Iconpollard_medium  Who is this?
Chizikicon_medium  It's Gene.
Iconpollard_medium  Gene who?
Chizikicon_medium  Gene Chizik, Jamie.  Your former football coach.
Iconpollard_medium  ...
Iconpollard_medium  ...
Chizikicon_medium  Jamie?
Iconpollard_medium  Wait, wait, I know who this is.  This isn't Gene Chizik, this is Gary Barta.
Chizikicon_medium  Gary who?  What?
Iconpollard_medium  Yeah, yeah, very funny Barta.  You're going to pretend to be Cheesedick, and you're going to get me to say something bad about Iowa State, and then you're going to laugh and hang up.  I'm sick of your games, Gary.
Chizikicon_medium  Games?  I'm not playing games, Jamie.  It's really me, Gene Chizik.
Iconpollard_medium  Oh yeah?  If you're Chizik, you'll know what my favorite movie is.
Chizikicon_medium  Um...Hope Floats?
Iconpollard_medium  Damn, it really is you.
Chizikicon_medium  It really is, Jamie.  How have you been?

Iconpollard_medium  Oh, you know me.  Staying busy.  Work's been really taking up all my time.
Hoiberg_medium  /flicks rubber band at Pollard's head
Iconpollard_medium  GOD DAMN IT FRED
Chizikicon_medium  Jamie?  Is everything OK there?
Iconpollard_medium  Yes, yes, I was just...um...requisitioning some shoulder pads.
Chizikicon_medium  Oh, you've got money for shoulder pads this year?
Iconpollard_medium  Um, yeah.  I mean, of course I do.  I've got this new coach I really like.  His name is Paul.  I'm just trying to make sure he's got the best equipment, you know?
Chizikicon_medium  Oh, I understand.  You always did your best for me, too, Jamie.  I know you did.  But we never got new shoulder pads.
Iconpollard_medium  Well, yeah, it's just like we really like each other.  I always get him new things, like lightbulbs in the scoreboard and stuff, and he always tells me how he's so proud of me.
Iconpollard_medium  Nothing is too good for my coach!
Iconpollard_medium  So...
Iconpollard_medium  /shoots rubber dart gun at 2011 Auburn Football calendar on wall
Iconpollard_medium  ...how have you been, Gene?
Chizikicon_medium  Well, um...I'm...I'm good, Jamie.
Chizikicon_medium  I sorta won the National Championship the other night.
Iconpollard_medium  Oh really?  I didn't see that.
Chizikicon_medium  Yeah, we beat Oregon.  I had this quarterback that my boosters bought me who really made the difference.
Chizikicon_medium  He's basically just like Austin Arnaud.  Only, like, the complete opposite.
Iconpollard_medium  Oh yeah?  That's good news.  I'm really glad to hear how well you're doing.
Chizikicon_medium  Well, Jamie, that's actually why I'm calling.  It's great here, even better than I thought it would be when I left, but there's something missing.
Chizikicon_medium  Anyone can win a national championship when a player like Cam Newton is just dropped in your lap.
Chizikicon_medium   And I'm sure some rich yokel is going to just use his leftover Confederate dollars to buy me another one next year.  Where's the challenge in that?
Iconpollard_medium  Yeah, I know how that can be.
Chizikicon_medium  No you don't, Jamie.  And that's my point.
Chizikicon_medium  I have nothing left to prove at Auburn.  If I win, it's because we bought the players.  If I lose, it's despite having every advantage imaginable.
Chizikicon_medium  If I'm going to be taken seriously as a coach, I have to win for some barren death trap of a program, stuck in a talentless wasteland on the outskirts of a conference it has no earthly chance of winning.
Chizikicon_medium  And I was thinking last night of where I could find that, and I remembered how you were so good to me.
Iconpollard_medium  eeeee
Chizikicon_medium  Jamie?  You OK?
Iconpollard_medium  Yeah, um, I was just, uh...putting new decals on the helmets.
Chizikicon_medium  You don't have equipment managers for that?
Iconpollard_medium  Equipment managers?  Yeah, and next we're going to have individual lockers for the players!  What do you think this is, the Los Angeles Raiders?
Chizikicon_medium  That's exactly my point, Jamie!  Your program is shitty.  I mean really, really shitty.  So if I win there, nobody will think it's just because we paid $200,000 for a quarterback.
Iconpollard_medium  We didn't even pay that much for our scoreboard!
Chizikicon_medium  So whaddya say, Jamie?  Will you take me back?
Iconpollard_medium  I don't know, Gene.
Chizikicon_medium  Oh please, Jamie.  I'll be better.  I'll win a whole bunch of games and we'll all be happy.
Iconpollard_medium  It's just...it was so hard to get over you the first time.  I can't go through that again.
Chizikicon_medium  You won't, Jamie.  Just let me come home and I'll never leave again.
Iconpollard_medium  Oh...I...OK.  I'll take you back.
Chizikicon_medium  You will?
Iconpollard_medium  Yeah, I will
Iconpollard_medium  /voice breaks
Iconpollard_medium  /starts crying
Iconpollard_medium  We'll be so happy!  It will be just like old times!
Chizikicon_medium  Yeah, yeah it will.  Right down to the part where YOU LOSE TO IOWA AGAIN WOOOOOO BLOODPUNCH RIDES AGAIN YOU FUCKING CRYBABY HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA
Iconphone45_medium  /click
Iconpollard_medium  Hello?
Iconpollard_medium  Hello?
Iconphone45_medium  EENGH EENGH EENGH EENGH
Iconpollard_medium   Sadpollard_medium
Iconpollard_medium  OK, Fred, let's get back to the book
Hoiberg_medium  This book is stupid.  I want to read "Oh! The Places You Go!"
Iconpollard_medium  /is inconsolable

-- Meanwhile, in an office in Carver Hawkeye Arena --

Iconbarta_medium  HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Iconferentz_medium  Dude, that was pretty mean.
Iconbarta_medium  Oh, he deserves it.  He's such a tool.
Iconferentz_medium  Whatever, Gary.  That was cold.
Iconferentz_medium  I have to go talk McNutt into staying one more year so we can throw him 25 passes over the middle and get him killed by linebackers.
Iconbarta_medium  Wait, Kirk.
Iconferentz_medium  I'm done.
Barta2icon_medium  KIRK.
Barta2icon_medium  I'm sorry, but I'm still your boss, and the only place you're going is to the fridge for a couple more beers.
Iconferentz_medium  Gary, we both know you're in no position to fire me.
Iconbarta_medium  Iconbarta90_medium

Iconferentz_medium  Oh, fine.
Iconbarta_medium  I'm thinking we'll call Dave Brandon and pretend to be Les Miles.
Iconferentz_medium  Tell him you reconsidered after taste testing some field turf.
Iconferentz_medium  Thank God the offseason is back.

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