Gene Chizik Calls Jamie Pollard

  And then one day the boy came back, and the tree shook with joy and said, "Come, boy, climb up my trunk and swing from my branches and be happy."
  /turns page
  "I am too busy to climb trees," said the
  Fred...
  /opens bottle of white-out
  Fred, stay out of that.
  BRRRRRRING
  /eats white-out
  Fred, I said to stay out of that and come listen to the story.
  BRRRRRRING
  God damn it
  Hello?
  Jamie?
  Who is this?
  It's Gene.
  Gene who?
  Gene Chizik, Jamie.  Your former football coach.
  ...
  ...
  Jamie?
  Wait, wait, I know who this is.  This isn't Gene Chizik, this is Gary Barta.
  Gary who?  What?
  Yeah, yeah, very funny Barta.  You're going to pretend to be Cheesedick, and you're going to get me to say something bad about Iowa State, and then you're going to laugh and hang up.  I'm sick of your games, Gary.
  Games?  I'm not playing games, Jamie.  It's really me, Gene Chizik.
  Oh yeah?  If you're Chizik, you'll know what my favorite movie is.
  Um...Hope Floats?
  Damn, it really is you.
  It really is, Jamie.  How have you been?

  Oh, you know me.  Staying busy.  Work's been really taking up all my time.
  /flicks rubber band at Pollard's head
  GOD DAMN IT FRED
  Jamie?  Is everything OK there?
  Yes, yes, I was just...um...requisitioning some shoulder pads.
  Oh, you've got money for shoulder pads this year?
  Um, yeah.  I mean, of course I do.  I've got this new coach I really like.  His name is Paul.  I'm just trying to make sure he's got the best equipment, you know?
  Oh, I understand.  You always did your best for me, too, Jamie.  I know you did.  But we never got new shoulder pads.
  Well, yeah, it's just like we really like each other.  I always get him new things, like lightbulbs in the scoreboard and stuff, and he always tells me how he's so proud of me.
  Nothing is too good for my coach!
  So...
  /shoots rubber dart gun at 2011 Auburn Football calendar on wall
  ...how have you been, Gene?
  Well, um...I'm...I'm good, Jamie.
  I sorta won the National Championship the other night.
  Oh really?  I didn't see that.
  Yeah, we beat Oregon.  I had this quarterback that my boosters bought me who really made the difference.
  He's basically just like Austin Arnaud.  Only, like, the complete opposite.
  Oh yeah?  That's good news.  I'm really glad to hear how well you're doing.
  Well, Jamie, that's actually why I'm calling.  It's great here, even better than I thought it would be when I left, but there's something missing.
  Anyone can win a national championship when a player like Cam Newton is just dropped in your lap.
   And I'm sure some rich yokel is going to just use his leftover Confederate dollars to buy me another one next year.  Where's the challenge in that?
  Yeah, I know how that can be.
  No you don't, Jamie.  And that's my point.
  I have nothing left to prove at Auburn.  If I win, it's because we bought the players.  If I lose, it's despite having every advantage imaginable.
  If I'm going to be taken seriously as a coach, I have to win for some barren death trap of a program, stuck in a talentless wasteland on the outskirts of a conference it has no earthly chance of winning.
  And I was thinking last night of where I could find that, and I remembered how you were so good to me.
  eeeee
  Jamie?  You OK?
  Yeah, um, I was just, uh...putting new decals on the helmets.
  You don't have equipment managers for that?
  Equipment managers?  Yeah, and next we're going to have individual lockers for the players!  What do you think this is, the Los Angeles Raiders?
  That's exactly my point, Jamie!  Your program is shitty.  I mean really, really shitty.  So if I win there, nobody will think it's just because we paid $200,000 for a quarterback.
  We didn't even pay that much for our scoreboard!
  So whaddya say, Jamie?  Will you take me back?
  I don't know, Gene.
  Oh please, Jamie.  I'll be better.  I'll win a whole bunch of games and we'll all be happy.
  It's just...it was so hard to get over you the first time.  I can't go through that again.
  You won't, Jamie.  Just let me come home and I'll never leave again.
  Oh...I...OK.  I'll take you back.
  You will?
  Yeah, I will
  /voice breaks
  /starts crying
  We'll be so happy!  It will be just like old times!
  Yeah, yeah it will.  Right down to the part where YOU LOSE TO IOWA AGAIN WOOOOOO BLOODPUNCH RIDES AGAIN YOU FUCKING CRYBABY HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA
  /click
  Hello?
  Hello?
  EENGH EENGH EENGH EENGH
  
  OK, Fred, let's get back to the book
  This book is stupid.  I want to read "Oh! The Places You Go!"
  /is inconsolable

-- Meanwhile, in an office in Carver Hawkeye Arena --

  HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
  Dude, that was pretty mean.
  Oh, he deserves it.  He's such a tool.
  Whatever, Gary.  That was cold.
  I have to go talk McNutt into staying one more year so we can throw him 25 passes over the middle and get him killed by linebackers.
  Wait, Kirk.
  I'm done.
  KIRK.
  I'm sorry, but I'm still your boss, and the only place you're going is to the fridge for a couple more beers.
  Gary, we both know you're in no position to fire me.
 

  Oh, fine.
  I'm thinking we'll call Dave Brandon and pretend to be Les Miles.
  Tell him you reconsidered after taste testing some field turf.
  Thank God the offseason is back.