Gary Barta holds a press conferance

                                       Gary Barta stands at a Podium, in front of a group of reporters.

I have called this press conference to clear up the confusion about the 'knucklehead' comment regaurding expected tailgating behavior. Just so everyone can be on the same page, what I meant by 'knucklehead' is that Silly Nanies, Smarties, Dipsticks, Buttheads, Silly Willies, Ninnies, Dolts, D-bags, Tickle Monsters, Goobers, Gomers, Ding-Bats, Fart Knockers, and Kakadoodie-heads WILL NOT be tolerated.

However Fuddy-Duddies, Chuckleheads, and Boogerhogs will not be singled out, At.....And let me stress this.......At the individual officer's discretion.

The consequ.........

Excuse me, sir, but aren't those just an arbitrary list of loosely defined terms, that doesn't clearly state the new, or at least, more enforced, expected behavior?

/Looks at the reporter with the icy stare of 1000 Antarctic winter nights

...............................

As I was saying, the consequences of aforementioned behavior, will be demonstrated for you.

                /The sound of a beer can being opened is heard from the podium.

........??????..........

........??????????........

...........????????........

..........??????????.......

This can will represent a knucklehead.

               /Takes an Old Milwaukee can up to his lips and chugs it in two mighty swallows. 

                /Takes the empty can, and bites out a chunk of aluminum. Chews a few times before an audible *Gulp*. Three more bites, and the can has disappeared. The only evidence that remains of the spectacle is a trail of blood running down his chin, from the undoubtedly numerous cuts from the sharp edges of aluminum.

              /Wipes the blood away with a finger.

              /Sticks the bloody finger into his mouth with a half-lidded look of pure escacy.

               /Gives the group of reporters a look of pure disgust before ducking behind the podium, obscuring him from view.

Ugh

UUGGHH

Although unseen, from behind the podium, after hearing the two bellowing grunts, comes the machine-gun sound of a fart like 10,000 Norse gods tearing apart the gowns of the angels themselves.

Gary Barta reappears, from behind the podium, sweat beading on his brow. The reason for his exertion is immediately apparent. In one hand he holds an impossibly large turd, as long as a grown man's forearm, with the girth to match. His other hand is pointing to one of the shinny metal chunks of the beer can he had just devoured; Teeth marks clearly visible.

Any Questions?

Yes, how do you expect tailgaters to follow the new expectations, if instead of clearly articulating them, as an AD of a major University should be able to; you just use meaningless words........well that, and, ya know......... Dookie?

/Nods to a darkened corner of the press room

Come with me sir.

..................../leaves the room with Hot Cop, as soon as the door closes the sound of a single gunshot is heard on the other side of the door.

Any other questions?

............No

..........No, sir

............Yea, wou---

In that case, thank you for coming so we could clear up this unfortunate misunderstanding.

BLOODPUNCH BITCCCCCHHHHEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF