The weekend before the Iowa-Iowa State game, Iowa AD Gary Barta calls a meeting with Iowa State AD Jamie Pollard. This is an account of how the meeting went...
Thanks for meeting with me, Jamie. It's not often we meet face to face.
Not a problem. When you called and it wasn't some kind of prank, I was relieved.
Um, yeah. So listen, I wanted to talk about our schools' rivalry. With both of our conferences going to 9 games, it might be in the University of Iowa's best interest to drop the series and schedule other opponents.
Well, it's Iowa State's biggest game every year and we really wouldn't want to lose it. UNI keeps calling and asking if we've canceled the series yet.
I know how you feel, a lot of Hawkeye fans feel that the ISU game is easily one of their top 10 favorite games every season. The problem is that we also have rivalries with Minnesota and Wisconsin, a new rivalry with Nebraska, and now the world knows about my feud with that bastard Morgan Burke and Purdue. That's why we are ready to take steps to make this game a bigger deal.
You're going to get us into the Big Ten?
No, it's never going to happen. Give it up already. What I mean is we're going to finally get rid of that awful Cy-Hawk Trophy.
The Cy-Hawk Trophy? What's wrong with it?
Well, some people think we need a better trophy. So I've brought with me artist Pierre Lefevre to help us design a trophy, and hopefully we'll be able to make it in time for this weekend's game.
OK, so to start we need a symbol for the state of Iowa. My suggestion is to use a silo, since we're a farming state.
Yeah, and silos are like the skyscrapers of Iowa!
Sure, and let's make it brown, like the dirt we use for farming. Plus if we use silver or gold it will look pretentious.
Alright, I'm on board with the silo idea, but how will people identify that it's our trophy?
Good question. We will have two orbs, because orbs symbolize spirit and power in Native American heritage. Can't forget about those Indians! And we'll put our initials on the orbs.
So ISU on one and UI on the other?
We had a different idea, since people are starting to get the schools confused. The announcer in the last Iowa State game kept calling you guys the "Iowa Cyclones". So we're starting a new campaign at Iowa where we call ourselves the "Champions of Kinnick".
So it will be CoK?
No one includes "of" in initials.
Right. So we'll be giving this trophy to the winner of the next game?
Actually, we're going to give it to the team that shows better sportsmanship, despite the result.
Because sportsmanship creates real champions!
Is that what you guys have been trying at ISU?
Alright, here's your trophy design.
Well, it looks a little...
It just seems a bit phallic.
Oh Jamie, you just have a dirty mind. I see nothing wrong with it!
You know what, you're probably right. Perhaps I'm just a little paranoid.
Yes, you are. Well I'll get this thing created and we'll bring it to this Saturday's game. Good luck to the Cyclones.
Saturday afternoon, after the clock hits 0:00 in the 4th quarter and Iowa takes a decisive 48-9 victory...
Wow, I don't think we've ever played this well. There's no way this afternoon could get any better.
What's about to happen?
Have you noticed how we don't have the Cy-Hawk Trophy this year?
Now that I think of it, yeah. What happened to that piece of junk?
We replaced it with a "sportsmanship award".
Would that explain the big black dildo Paul Rhoads is holding up?
Bloodpunch, you're a genius.
Sometimes it's just too easy to ridicule the Cyclones. Doesn't mean I don't love doing it. But now we need to focus on our sworn enemies, the Boilermakers. Mark my words, I'll make Morgan Burke and his mafia pay for what they did at the Wabash River Massacre. Oh yes, they will pay...
...to be continued?
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