In Which Adrian Clayborn Meets His Evil Arch-Nemesis

Iconclayborn_medium Damn, Ricky, August sure was crazy.

Stanziicon_medium You said it, big guy.  Between Big Ten Media Days, two-a-day practices, Weghergate, and traveling back in time to stop Ron Zook from butchering the national anthem at Wrigley Field*, that month was nuts.  Right, Ace?

Iconace_medium ARF ARF

Iconclayborn_medium So who we got this week?  I gotta say, I was bored playing those EIU clowns last week.

Stanziicon_medium /checks schedule

Osemele_mediumWHAT!  YOU DON'T KNOW? 

Iconclayborn_medium Yo, who are you supposed to be?

Osemele_medium  WHAT?!  IT IS I, YOUR ARCH-NEMESIS, HERE TO BEST YOU IN COMBAT YET AGAIN!

Iconclayborn_medium /blank stare

Iconclayborn_medium Ricky, you know who this dude is?

Stanziicon_medium /squints, furrows brow

Stanziicon_medium I dunno... He looks too big to have caught a pick-six from me.  Hey, Ace, is he on the terrorist watch list?

Iconace_medium ARF ARF

Stanziicon_medium Hmm.  I got nothin', big guy.

Iconclayborn_medium Huh.  Um... are you a cabbie?

Osemele_medium  /exasperated head shake

Osemele_medium  NO!  Kelechi Osemele?  Left tackle?  Iowa State?  I defeated you last year in Ames?

Iconclayborn_medium /scratches head

Iconclayborn_medium Oh, right, that game.  The one in the high school stadium?

Osemele_medium  Mr. Pollard says size doesn't matter and that we have a perfectly normal, average-sized football stadium!

Iconclayborn_medium /shrugs

Iconclayborn_medium Yeah, that wasn't really my A+ effort that game.

Osemele_medium  A-ha!  So you admit that I was victorious in our encounter a year ago!

Iconclayborn_medium I guess so.  It was tough to get in a rhythm, though, what with my boy Tyler "Motherfucking" Sash picking off every other goddamn pass.

Osemele_medium  EARMUFFS!

Iconclayborn_medium What?

Osemele_medium  Coach Paul Rhoads doesn't like profanity; he says it's indicative of a weak will and low moral character.

Iconclayborn_medium ...

Osemele_medium  Also, if you say He Who Shall Not Be Named's name, Austen breaks down and starts sobbing uncontrollably and that makes it kind of hard to practice.

Iconclayborn_medium Tyler "Motherfucking" Sash?

Osemele_medium  SHH.

Cy-walking_medium /incessant wailing from the direction of Ames

Iconclayborn_medium Anyway, you see what I did the rest of the year?

Osemele_medium  IRREL -- wait, there were games after that?

Iconclayborn_medium Yeah, a lot of 'em actually.  Did your fans forget to come back after that week?

Osemele_medium  Mr. Pollard said there were a lot of veterinary emergencies!


Iconclayborn_medium (snickers)

Osemele_medium  And I am well acquainted with the notion that there were more games after our clash!  We won many of those contests, including one over those traitorous curs from Nebraska.  We vanquished a team of footballers in a bowl game as well!

Iconclayborn_medium /blank stare

Iconclayborn_medium Yeah, must've missed that.

Osemele_medium  We battled the Gophers clad in Gold in an epic clash in Tempe, Arizona.

Stanziicon_medium Arizona, huh?  We thought for sure we were going there for the Fiesta Bowl.  Coach O'Keefe even made a suit out of Tostitos.  That was a little weird.  I'm pretty sure you guys weren't in that game, though...

Osemele_medium  Alas, no.  We were in the Insight Bowl.

Iconclayborn_medium Stanziicon_medium /blank stares

Osemele_medium  On New Year's Eve?  NFL Network?

Iconclayborn_medium Sorry, guess we missed that one.  Yo, Ricky, weren't we down in South Beach by then?

Stanziicon_medium Affirmative, big guy.  I think we were hangin' out with Lady Gaga that night.

Iconclayborn_medium Wait, you say you played the Gophers? 

Osemele_medium  Indeed, and we were victorious at the conclusion of that evening's battles.

Iconclayborn_medium Did they score any points?

Osemele_medium  Yes.

Iconclayborn_medium ... weak.

Osemele_medium  Your demeaning and slanderous comments do not injure me, sir, because I know that I have bested you in a one-on-one battle before and that I shall do so again this weekend.

Iconclayborn_medium Wait -- who'd you say you played for?

Osemele_medium  /exasperated shrug

Osemele_medium  YOUR NEMESIS!  YOUR HATED ARCH-RIVAL!

Iconclayborn_medium Shit, we got Purdue already?  Goddamn, I hate those Boilermakin' assholes.  Buncha fuckin' nerds...

Osemele_medium  NO, YOU CRETINOUS OAF!  IOWA STATE!

Iconclayborn_medium /blank stare

Osemele_medium  The other major in-state school?

Iconclayborn_medium No offense, dude, but is UNI really "major"?  I mean, I respect 'em an' all since they did almost beat us last year, but...

Osemele_medium  IOWA STATE!  THE CYCLONES!  WE PLAY IN THE BIG 12!

Iconclayborn_medium Really?  Damn, that shit is crazy.  I mean, I went and told some reporters that we were the only school in Iowa.  Talk about egg on my face...

Osemele_medium  YES!  YOUR UNBRIDLED ARROGANCE AND INSIPID HUBRIS HAS BEEN LIKE THE PROVERBIAL MATCH ON THE GASOLINE OF OUR DEEP HATRED FOR YOU.

Iconclayborn_medium Yeah, sorry 'bout that.

Osemele_medium  Bah!  The time for simple apologies has long since passed; we will carve our respect from your very flesh when we battle anon.

Stanziicon_medium Man, what is your deal?  I've never heard someone from Iowa State that sounded like you.

Osemele_medium  My tale is a long and sad one, but it begins many years prior in Nigeria...

Iconclayborn_medium Yo, dude, how about the Sparknotes version -- we got practice in a few and I gotta go beat some more toughness into Riley Reiff.

Osemele_medium  /sighs

Osemele_medium  Fine.  I was a prince and my father was a king in Nigeria; I was educated at a British boarding school.  My father lost our entire fortune after speculating on Chizik nickels.  He demanded an audience with the leaders of the Chizik nickel craze; Mr. Pollard and Mr. Chizik himself consented to speak with him.  My father was so angry with them for costing us our fortune that he wanted to string them from the rafters by their lower intestines --

Stanziicon_medium Well, Pollard's still in charge over there, so I'm guessing that didn't happen.

Osemele_medium  No.  Mr. Chizik was very persuasive and convinced my father that if I came to America to play you debased version of "foot-ball" for him at Iowa State, then the value of Chizik nickels would rise exponentially and my father would gain a fortune ten times greater than our old fortune.

Stanziicon_medium ... That might be the stupidest thing I've ever heard. 

Osemele_medium  /blushes furiously

Osemele_medium  As I said, Mr. Chizik was quite persuasive!

Stanziicon_medium Well, that part might be true.  He did convince Auburn to hire him after he won, like, five games at ISU. 

Osemele_medium  He is a traitorous scoundrel who deserves to be fed to savage dogs.

Stanziicon_medium I hope you can at least recognize the irony in a Nigerian prince being suckered out of all his money in a scam run by a cheap huckster.

Osemele_medium  Your words cut deep, but they are laced with bitter truths.

Iconace_medium ARF ARF

Iconclayborn_medium Yo, Ricky, Ace is right -- we gotta get to practice.

Osemele_medium  Yes, practice!  Improve your skills!  It will only sweeten my inevitable victory over you on Saturday!

Stanziicon_medium OK, I didn't wanna spill the beans, but it turns out you're pretty damn obnoxious.  We know who you are.  Adrian just told me to play along so we could mess with you.

Osemele_medium  Vile charlatans!

Stanziicon_medium Sure, whatever.  Dude, he's pissed about what happened last year.  He's focused.  I mean, really focused

Osemele_medium  I welcome his focus and his rage!  In the parlance of those delightful cheerleaders, "bring it on."

Stanziicon_medium You wanna know what happened the last time I saw A.C. this focused?  The Orange Bowl happened, dude.  I think Nesbitt is still picking chunks of that turf out of his teeth.

Osemele_medium  Past results are no predictor of future success... except when the past results involve me.

Stanziicon_medium Dude, pardon my language, but... you are so fucked.

Iconclayborn_medium Damn straight.   

* - We call this a "lost adventure," true believers.

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