Damn, Ricky, August sure was crazy.
You said it, big guy. Between Big Ten Media Days, two-a-day practices, Weghergate, and traveling back in time to stop Ron Zook from butchering the national anthem at Wrigley Field*, that month was nuts. Right, Ace?
So who we got this week? I gotta say, I was bored playing those EIU clowns last week.
WHAT! YOU DON'T KNOW?
Yo, who are you supposed to be?
WHAT?! IT IS I, YOUR ARCH-NEMESIS, HERE TO BEST YOU IN COMBAT YET AGAIN!
Ricky, you know who this dude is?
/squints, furrows brow
I dunno... He looks too big to have caught a pick-six from me. Hey, Ace, is he on the terrorist watch list?
Hmm. I got nothin', big guy.
Huh. Um... are you a cabbie?
/exasperated head shake
NO! Kelechi Osemele? Left tackle? Iowa State? I defeated you last year in Ames?
Oh, right, that game. The one in the high school stadium?
Mr. Pollard says size doesn't matter and that we have a perfectly normal, average-sized football stadium!
Yeah, that wasn't really my A+ effort that game.
A-ha! So you admit that I was victorious in our encounter a year ago!
I guess so. It was tough to get in a rhythm, though, what with my boy Tyler "Motherfucking" Sash picking off every other goddamn pass.
Coach Paul Rhoads doesn't like profanity; he says it's indicative of a weak will and low moral character.
Also, if you say He Who Shall Not Be Named's name, Austen breaks down and starts sobbing uncontrollably and that makes it kind of hard to practice.
Tyler "Motherfucking" Sash?
/incessant wailing from the direction of Ames
Anyway, you see what I did the rest of the year?
IRREL -- wait, there were games after that?
Yeah, a lot of 'em actually. Did your fans forget to come back after that week?
Mr. Pollard said there were a lot of veterinary emergencies!
And I am well acquainted with the notion that there were more games after our clash! We won many of those contests, including one over those traitorous curs from Nebraska. We vanquished a team of footballers in a bowl game as well!
Yeah, must've missed that.
We battled the Gophers clad in Gold in an epic clash in Tempe, Arizona.
Arizona, huh? We thought for sure we were going there for the Fiesta Bowl. Coach O'Keefe even made a suit out of Tostitos. That was a little weird. I'm pretty sure you guys weren't in that game, though...
Alas, no. We were in the Insight Bowl.
On New Year's Eve? NFL Network?
Sorry, guess we missed that one. Yo, Ricky, weren't we down in South Beach by then?
Affirmative, big guy. I think we were hangin' out with Lady Gaga that night.
Wait, you say you played the Gophers?
Indeed, and we were victorious at the conclusion of that evening's battles.
Did they score any points?
Your demeaning and slanderous comments do not injure me, sir, because I know that I have bested you in a one-on-one battle before and that I shall do so again this weekend.
Wait -- who'd you say you played for?
YOUR NEMESIS! YOUR HATED ARCH-RIVAL!
Shit, we got Purdue already? Goddamn, I hate those Boilermakin' assholes. Buncha fuckin' nerds...
NO, YOU CRETINOUS OAF! IOWA STATE!
The other major in-state school?
No offense, dude, but is UNI really "major"? I mean, I respect 'em an' all since they did almost beat us last year, but...
IOWA STATE! THE CYCLONES! WE PLAY IN THE BIG 12!
Really? Damn, that shit is crazy. I mean, I went and told some reporters that we were the only school in Iowa. Talk about egg on my face...
YES! YOUR UNBRIDLED ARROGANCE AND INSIPID HUBRIS HAS BEEN LIKE THE PROVERBIAL MATCH ON THE GASOLINE OF OUR DEEP HATRED FOR YOU.
Yeah, sorry 'bout that.
Bah! The time for simple apologies has long since passed; we will carve our respect from your very flesh when we battle anon.
Man, what is your deal? I've never heard someone from Iowa State that sounded like you.
My tale is a long and sad one, but it begins many years prior in Nigeria...
Yo, dude, how about the Sparknotes version -- we got practice in a few and I gotta go beat some more toughness into Riley Reiff.
Fine. I was a prince and my father was a king in Nigeria; I was educated at a British boarding school. My father lost our entire fortune after speculating on Chizik nickels. He demanded an audience with the leaders of the Chizik nickel craze; Mr. Pollard and Mr. Chizik himself consented to speak with him. My father was so angry with them for costing us our fortune that he wanted to string them from the rafters by their lower intestines --
Well, Pollard's still in charge over there, so I'm guessing that didn't happen.
No. Mr. Chizik was very persuasive and convinced my father that if I came to America to play you debased version of "foot-ball" for him at Iowa State, then the value of Chizik nickels would rise exponentially and my father would gain a fortune ten times greater than our old fortune.
... That might be the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
As I said, Mr. Chizik was quite persuasive!
Well, that part might be true. He did convince Auburn to hire him after he won, like, five games at ISU.
He is a traitorous scoundrel who deserves to be fed to savage dogs.
I hope you can at least recognize the irony in a Nigerian prince being suckered out of all his money in a scam run by a cheap huckster.
Your words cut deep, but they are laced with bitter truths.
Yo, Ricky, Ace is right -- we gotta get to practice.
Yes, practice! Improve your skills! It will only sweeten my inevitable victory over you on Saturday!
OK, I didn't wanna spill the beans, but it turns out you're pretty damn obnoxious. We know who you are. Adrian just told me to play along so we could mess with you.
Sure, whatever. Dude, he's pissed about what happened last year. He's focused. I mean, really focused.
I welcome his focus and his rage! In the parlance of those delightful cheerleaders, "bring it on."
You wanna know what happened the last time I saw A.C. this focused? The Orange Bowl happened, dude. I think Nesbitt is still picking chunks of that turf out of his teeth.
Past results are no predictor of future success... except when the past results involve me.
Dude, pardon my language, but... you are so fucked.
* - We call this a "lost adventure," true believers.