In Which Adrian Clayborn Meets His Evil Arch-Nemesis
by RossWB on Sep 10, 2010 12:30 PM CDT
in Iowa Hawkeyes Football
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Damn, Ricky, August sure was crazy.
You said it, big guy. Between Big Ten Media Days, two-a-day practices, Weghergate, and traveling back in time to stop Ron Zook from butchering the national anthem at Wrigley Field*, that month was nuts. Right, Ace?
ARF ARF
So who we got this week? I gotta say, I was bored playing those EIU clowns last week.
/checks schedule
Yo, who are you supposed to be?
WHAT?! IT IS I, YOUR ARCH-NEMESIS, HERE TO BEST YOU IN COMBAT YET AGAIN!
/blank stare
Ricky, you know who this dude is?
/squints, furrows brow
I dunno... He looks too big to have caught a pick-six from me. Hey, Ace, is he on the terrorist watch list?
ARF ARF
Hmm. I got nothin', big guy.
Huh. Um... are you a cabbie?
NO! Kelechi Osemele? Left tackle? Iowa State? I defeated you last year in Ames?
/scratches head
Oh, right, that game. The one in the high school stadium?
Mr. Pollard says size doesn't matter and that we have a perfectly normal, average-sized football stadium!
/shrugs
Yeah, that wasn't really my A+ effort that game.
A-ha! So you admit that I was victorious in our encounter a year ago!
I guess so. It was tough to get in a rhythm, though, what with my boy Tyler "Motherfucking" Sash picking off every other goddamn pass.
What?
Coach Paul Rhoads doesn't like profanity; he says it's indicative of a weak will and low moral character.
...
Also, if you say He Who Shall Not Be Named's name, Austen breaks down and starts sobbing uncontrollably and that makes it kind of hard to practice.
Tyler "Motherfucking" Sash?
/incessant wailing from the direction of Ames
Anyway, you see what I did the rest of the year?
IRREL -- wait, there were games after that?
Yeah, a lot of 'em actually. Did your fans forget to come back after that week?
Mr. Pollard said there were a lot of veterinary emergencies!
(snickers)
And I am well acquainted with the notion that there were more games after our clash! We won many of those contests, including one over those traitorous curs from Nebraska. We vanquished a team of footballers in a bowl game as well!
/blank stare
Yeah, must've missed that.
We battled the Gophers clad in Gold in an epic clash in Tempe, Arizona.
Arizona, huh? We thought for sure we were going there for the Fiesta Bowl. Coach O'Keefe even made a suit out of Tostitos. That was a little weird. I'm pretty sure you guys weren't in that game, though...
Alas, no. We were in the Insight Bowl.
/blank stares
On New Year's Eve? NFL Network?
Sorry, guess we missed that one. Yo, Ricky, weren't we down in South Beach by then?
Affirmative, big guy. I think we were hangin' out with Lady Gaga that night.
Wait, you say you played the Gophers?
Indeed, and we were victorious at the conclusion of that evening's battles.
Did they score any points?
... weak.
Your demeaning and slanderous comments do not injure me, sir, because I know that I have bested you in a one-on-one battle before and that I shall do so again this weekend.
Wait -- who'd you say you played for?
YOUR NEMESIS! YOUR HATED ARCH-RIVAL!
Shit, we got Purdue already? Goddamn, I hate those Boilermakin' assholes. Buncha fuckin' nerds...
NO, YOU CRETINOUS OAF! IOWA STATE!
/blank stare
The other major in-state school?
No offense, dude, but is UNI really "major"? I mean, I respect 'em an' all since they did almost beat us last year, but...
IOWA STATE! THE CYCLONES! WE PLAY IN THE BIG 12!
Really? Damn, that shit is crazy. I mean, I went and told some reporters that we were the only school in Iowa. Talk about egg on my face...
YES! YOUR UNBRIDLED ARROGANCE AND INSIPID HUBRIS HAS BEEN LIKE THE PROVERBIAL MATCH ON THE GASOLINE OF OUR DEEP HATRED FOR YOU.
Yeah, sorry 'bout that.
Bah! The time for simple apologies has long since passed; we will carve our respect from your very flesh when we battle anon.
Man, what is your deal? I've never heard someone from Iowa State that sounded like you.
My tale is a long and sad one, but it begins many years prior in Nigeria...
Yo, dude, how about the Sparknotes version -- we got practice in a few and I gotta go beat some more toughness into Riley Reiff.
Fine. I was a prince and my father was a king in Nigeria; I was educated at a British boarding school. My father lost our entire fortune after speculating on Chizik nickels. He demanded an audience with the leaders of the Chizik nickel craze; Mr. Pollard and Mr. Chizik himself consented to speak with him. My father was so angry with them for costing us our fortune that he wanted to string them from the rafters by their lower intestines --
Well, Pollard's still in charge over there, so I'm guessing that didn't happen.
No. Mr. Chizik was very persuasive and convinced my father that if I came to America to play you debased version of "foot-ball" for him at Iowa State, then the value of Chizik nickels would rise exponentially and my father would gain a fortune ten times greater than our old fortune.
... That might be the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
As I said, Mr. Chizik was quite persuasive!
Well, that part might be true. He did convince Auburn to hire him after he won, like, five games at ISU.
He is a traitorous scoundrel who deserves to be fed to savage dogs.
I hope you can at least recognize the irony in a Nigerian prince being suckered out of all his money in a scam run by a cheap huckster.
Your words cut deep, but they are laced with bitter truths.
ARF ARF
Yo, Ricky, Ace is right -- we gotta get to practice.
Yes, practice! Improve your skills! It will only sweeten my inevitable victory over you on Saturday!
OK, I didn't wanna spill the beans, but it turns out you're pretty damn obnoxious. We know who you are. Adrian just told me to play along so we could mess with you.
Sure, whatever. Dude, he's pissed about what happened last year. He's focused. I mean, really focused.
I welcome his focus and his rage! In the parlance of those delightful cheerleaders, "bring it on."
You wanna know what happened the last time I saw A.C. this focused? The Orange Bowl happened, dude. I think Nesbitt is still picking chunks of that turf out of his teeth.
Past results are no predictor of future success... except when the past results involve me.
Dude, pardon my language, but... you are so fucked.
Damn straight.
* - We call this a "lost adventure," true believers.
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This is why I keep coming back over here
conversations like these
Better to have died a small boy than to drop this football - John HeismanFromTheRumbleSeat
by Winfield Featherston on Sep 10, 2010 12:39 PM CDT reply actions
Black Heart Gold Pants - Changing Lives!
Keeping wildlife, an amphibious rodent, for uh, domestic, you know, within the city - that aint legal either, Dude.
by AcrimoniousAngerererer on Sep 10, 2010 12:47 PM CDT up reply actions
How's the wreck running?
"In my experience, there's no such thing as luck."
―Obi-Wan Kenobi
by The Bacon Explosion on Sep 10, 2010 1:48 PM CDT up reply actions
Away from AC
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Sep 10, 2010 2:23 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Nice
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Sep 10, 2010 2:40 PM CDT up reply actions
Beautiful
I was wondering when some new ISU hate was going to be coming out. Love it.
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
I think ISU has been partying with Lady Gaga as well...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cLrAJawSfg
That is a thing that happened.
Keeping wildlife, an amphibious rodent, for uh, domestic, you know, within the city - that aint legal either, Dude.
by AcrimoniousAngerererer on Sep 10, 2010 12:49 PM CDT reply actions
Excuse me while I go stop the bleeding in my ears.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Sep 10, 2010 1:27 PM CDT up reply actions
I don't like Lady Gaga as it is.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Sep 10, 2010 2:41 PM CDT up reply actions
She is awful.
And I would vigorously make fun of this, except that last Saturday, the Hawkeye Marching Band did an entire halftime show of Lady Gaga’s songs.
But still, she is truly, truly, awful.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Sep 11, 2010 11:41 PM CDT up reply actions
This could make Clayborn a lock for the Heisman
all he has to do is shout “Tyler Motherfucking Sash” every time the ball gets snapped and he’ll end up with 40 sacks since Austen will be crying every time.
by HeroPatriotStanzi on Sep 10, 2010 12:54 PM CDT reply actions
Dear God
Mr. Pollard says size doesn’t matter and that we have a perfectly normal, average-sized football stadium!
Of course he says that.
"Bama Hawkeye, you know, the Iowa blogger who actually uses reason and analysis." - Hawkeye State
"Off Tackle Empire":http://www.offtackleempire.com
Kudos
Did they score any points?
Yes.
…weak.
Hating on both of our dark red and yellow clad rivals at once. Well done.
+1
That line was topped only by
I hope you can at least recognize the irony in a Nigerian prince being suckered out of all his money in a scam run by a cheap huckster.
Soooo full of WIN.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Sep 10, 2010 1:42 PM CDT up reply actions
Nothing trumps a swipe at one rival
like a shot that takes out two of them
It never gets to be easy
by chitownhawkeye on Sep 10, 2010 5:04 PM CDT up reply actions
Wait, did the Big Ten office
declare Nigeria as our second rival? Bring it, Super Eagles!
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Sep 11, 2010 2:19 AM CDT up reply actions
I guess I just don't see where that's funny.
Everyone fails. The successful learn from their failures. I just wish we'd quit giving ourselves so many learning opportunities.
by WhiteSpeedReceiver on Sep 10, 2010 4:01 PM CDT up reply actions
Really?
You’re the only person in America that hasn’t been approached by a Nigerian Prince who will pay you 10% of his fortune if you help him escape from people that are now trying to hold him hostage?
by KinnickNorthHawk on Sep 10, 2010 4:44 PM CDT up reply actions
All he needs is a small contribution to his cause, a mere 100 dollars. And your credit card number.
Well, my old signature is now VERBOTEN on Cyclone Chronicles. Nazis. I knew they hated America.
Oh no, that's funny.
That part about picking on an opponent that you’ve walloped one year and got by in a second without giving up a point either year just isn’t humorous, in my droll opinion.
Everyone fails. The successful learn from their failures. I just wish we'd quit giving ourselves so many learning opportunities.
by WhiteSpeedReceiver on Sep 10, 2010 9:20 PM CDT up reply actions
Shit. We got Purdue already?
ARF! ARF!
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Sep 10, 2010 1:04 PM CDT reply actions
This
is pure genius.
I had your mom: Beer, beer.
by Murray'sBiggestFan on Sep 10, 2010 1:11 PM CDT reply actions
This is awesome
think I wet myself from laughing so hard
Speaking of "lost adventures..."
What happened with Spy Hunter part II?
True dat.
It was tough to get in a rhythm, though, what with my boy Tyler “Motherfucking” Sash picking off every other goddamn pass.
its kinda funny seeing you guys getting into purdue hate now
under current schedule, my protected rivals are the fighting zookers and purdue. A protected rivaly at purdue was just bizzare. the game only really mattered in 2000, other than that, meh.
by LincolnParkWildcat on Sep 10, 2010 5:02 PM CDT reply actions
Dunno why, really, but for some reason, this made me laugh almost to the point of turtle-heading:
/squints, furrows brow
"We'll outfit ya for free, but we get to choose the pants."
I am so proud of my team!!!!!!
"Have you ever had the Hot Pocket Hot Pocket? It’s Hot Pocket inside a Hot Pocket. Tastes just like a Hot Pocket."
i was at the cubs game when zooker thrashed the 7th inning stretch...
and was cheering for the brewers by the end of the game cuz they kept hitting the ball and the cubs weren’t. final score was 18-1 brewers, i blame zook. it was the first time i had to stop singing the stretch, cuz i was screaming at zook. didn’t do a lot of good cuz the only people that could hear me were illinois fans and of course they were not appreciative when they saw my iowa wrist band and we stopped buying each other beers. but, this whole thing was hilarious with stanzi, clayborn, and the dude from isu, good one! GO HAWKS!!!!
by blackgoldandcubbieblue on Sep 10, 2010 11:07 PM CDT reply actions
Yes
Long live the Pants.
New shirt idea?
Going, going, going, going, going, going, going, going.... Alright, I'll stop for now.
by EnergizerHawk on Sep 11, 2010 10:20 AM CDT up reply actions
Rules of Engagement
As our new sworn enemy, we must lay the one ground rule that you do not refer to us as “Purdon’t” (yes I’m talking to you PackerHawk). I know you’re new to this, so I thought I’d let you in on this tip. You are better than that, so don’t use that term. When using it, you step into the same league as fans of that other school in Indiana (i.e. Hoosiers) and I have more respect for you than that.
Ok, back to the hatred. Your gold sucks, ours is better.
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