Brent Metcalf Goes To Russia

Former Hawkeye wrestlers Brent Metcalf and Mike Zadick are headed to Mother Russia this week to end communism kick ass, take names, and win some World Championship gold.  Naturally BHGP wishes them well, although thanks to the handy dandy BHGP Time Machine, we already know what's going to happen.  Because we love you so much, we thought we'd share the details

Mikezadick_mediumHey Brent, guess what?

Iconmetcalf_medium What?

Mikezadick_mediumIn America, you watch Shark Week; in soviet Russia, Shark Week watches you! 

Iconmetcalf_medium ...

Mikezadick_mediumHa ha!

Iconmetcalf_medium First, that doesn't even make sense.  Second, it's stolen from a goddamn Dos Equis ad.  Third, those jokes were lame before I was even born.  Fourth, the Soviet Union's been dead for twenty years.

Mikezadick_medium  Um.

Iconmetcalf_medium Anyway, it's time to check-in.  I think this is the line.  Uh, excuse me, are you in line?

Dolph_rocky_medium I MUST BREAK YOU.

Iconmetcalf_medium Uh, what?  Why are you wearing boxing gloves?

Dolph_rocky_medium IF HE DIES... HE DIES.

Iconmetcalf_medium Wrong sport, asshole. Um, excuse me, are you in line?

Nikolaivolkoff-1_medium  Da.

Iconmetcalf_medium OK, good.  Mike, over here.

Nikolaivolkoff-1_medium  Is true?

Iconmetcalf_medium Is what true?

Nikolaivolkoff-1_medium  You Americans  have come all the way to Russia homeland to taste defeat at hands of superior Russian athletes?

Iconmetcalf_medium Well, we are here to compete in the World Championships.  We aren't here to lose, though.

Nikolaivolkoff-1_medium  You will lose because of your weak American genetics and your pathetic training.  Allow me to sing to prove glory of Russia.

Iconmetcalf_medium Oh lord.

Nikolaivolkoff-1_medium  You dare besmirch glory and honor of proud Russian national anthem?

Iconmetcalf_medium The song's probably fine.  I've heard cats being strangled that sounded better than you.

Nikolaivolkoff-1_medium  You insult me?  Foolish American lapdog, I challenge you to a match to settle this.  You go find partners and then you take on my team, winner take all, no takebacks.

Iconmetcalf_medium Tag team?  Uh, I'm here to wrestle solo in freestyle competition, three rounds, funky scoring, and -- oh fuck it, you're on.

Nikolaivolkoff-1_medium  Hah!  Stupid American pig, you cannot hope to compete with the team I have assembled.  I give you... "The Russian Bear" Ivan Koloff!

Ivankoloff_mediumGRRRRR.

Nikolaivolkoff-1_medium  His brother, Nikita Koloff!

Nikitakoloff_medium...

Nikolaivolkoff-1_medium  And man who hates America as much as us... the Iron Sheik!

Ironsheik_medium You scum.  Piece of shit.  Worthless American crap-pig.

Nikolaivolkoff-1_medium  Ha HA.  You are fucked, puny little American loser.

Iconmetcalf_medium Nah, I don't think so.  See, I wasn't crazy enough to come all the way to Russia by myself.

Nikolaivolkoff-1_medium  What filthy American cockroach dogs come with you?

Iconmetcalf_medium A certain former gold medalist..

Kurtangle_mediumOH IT'S TRUE, IT'S DAMN TRUE... I've got three I's for you Russian knuckleheads: intensity, integrity, and intelligently breaking your damn ankle. 

Iconmetcalf_medium A former American hero...

Mramerica_medium You insult the stars and stripes and you deal with Mr. America, brother!

Nikolaivolkoff-1_medium  Is no "Mr. America!"  That's Hulk fucking Hogan!

Mramerica_medium I don't know what you're talking about, brother.  I'm just a patriotic son of the red, white, and blue.  Say your prayers and eat your vitamins, 'cause HU-- er, MR. AMERICA's gonna run all over you!

Iconmetcalf_medium And last but not least... Sgt. Slaughter!

Sgtslaughter_mediumARE YOU COMMIE MAGGOTS READY TO ENTER A WORLD O' PAIN, COURTESY O' TH' SARGE?

/Slaughter turns, grabs a folding chair, slams it over the back of Mr. America, throws down his hat and dons an ushanka

Goodoljr_medium  BAH GAWD!  AH DON'T BELIEVE WHAT AH JUST SAW!  SGT. SLAUGHTER HAS JOINED FORCES WITH THE RUSSIANS!  HE'S TURNED HIS BACK ON AMERICA -- AGAIN!

Nikolaivolkoff-1_medium  Idiot American!  Sgt. Slaughter is no your teammate... because is mine!  

/Slaughter turns and slams the folding chair on the Iron Sheik, rips off the ushanka, and ties on an American flag bandanna.

Goodoljr_medium BAH GAWD!  AH DON'T BELIEVE WHAT AH JUST SAW!  SGT. SLAUGHTER HAS TURNED HIS BACK ON THE RUSSIANS!  HE'S REJOINED AMERICA!

Iconmetcalf_medium You know what?  This is stupid.  Fuck it.  I've got a gold medal to go win.  You tools just settle this yourselves.

BHGP wishes Zadick and Metcalf luck as they go for gold at the World Championships.

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