Brent Metcalf Goes To Russia
by RossWB on Sep 10, 2010 7:30 AM CDT
in Iowa Hawkeyes Wrestling
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PrintFormer Hawkeye wrestlers Brent Metcalf and Mike Zadick are headed to Mother Russia this week to end communism kick ass, take names, and win some World Championship gold. Naturally BHGP wishes them well, although thanks to the handy dandy BHGP Time Machine, we already know what's going to happen. Because we love you so much, we thought we'd share the details
Hey Brent, guess what?
What?
In America, you watch Shark Week; in soviet Russia, Shark Week watches you!
...
Ha ha!
First, that doesn't even make sense. Second, it's stolen from a goddamn Dos Equis ad. Third, those jokes were lame before I was even born. Fourth, the Soviet Union's been dead for twenty years.
Um.
Anyway, it's time to check-in. I think this is the line. Uh, excuse me, are you in line?
I MUST BREAK YOU.
Uh, what? Why are you wearing boxing gloves?
IF HE DIES... HE DIES.
Wrong sport, asshole. Um, excuse me, are you in line?
OK, good. Mike, over here.
Is what true?
You Americans have come all the way to Russia homeland to taste defeat at hands of superior Russian athletes?
Well, we are here to compete in the World Championships. We aren't here to lose, though.
You will lose because of your weak American genetics and your pathetic training. Allow me to sing to prove glory of Russia.
Oh lord.
You dare besmirch glory and honor of proud Russian national anthem?
The song's probably fine. I've heard cats being strangled that sounded better than you.
You insult me? Foolish American lapdog, I challenge you to a match to settle this. You go find partners and then you take on my team, winner take all, no takebacks.
Tag team? Uh, I'm here to wrestle solo in freestyle competition, three rounds, funky scoring, and -- oh fuck it, you're on.
Hah! Stupid American pig, you cannot hope to compete with the team I have assembled. I give you... "The Russian Bear" Ivan Koloff!
GRRRRR.
...
And man who hates America as much as us... the Iron Sheik!
You scum. Piece of shit. Worthless American crap-pig.
Ha HA. You are fucked, puny little American loser.
Nah, I don't think so. See, I wasn't crazy enough to come all the way to Russia by myself.
What filthy American cockroach dogs come with you?
A certain former gold medalist..
OH IT'S TRUE, IT'S DAMN TRUE... I've got three I's for you Russian knuckleheads: intensity, integrity, and intelligently breaking your damn ankle.
A former American hero...
You insult the stars and stripes and you deal with Mr. America, brother!
Is no "Mr. America!" That's Hulk fucking Hogan!
I don't know what you're talking about, brother. I'm just a patriotic son of the red, white, and blue. Say your prayers and eat your vitamins, 'cause HU-- er, MR. AMERICA's gonna run all over you!
And last but not least... Sgt. Slaughter!
ARE YOU COMMIE MAGGOTS READY TO ENTER A WORLD O' PAIN, COURTESY O' TH' SARGE?
/Slaughter turns, grabs a folding chair, slams it over the back of Mr. America, throws down his hat and dons an ushanka
BAH GAWD! AH DON'T BELIEVE WHAT AH JUST SAW! SGT. SLAUGHTER HAS JOINED FORCES WITH THE RUSSIANS! HE'S TURNED HIS BACK ON AMERICA -- AGAIN!
Idiot American! Sgt. Slaughter is no your teammate... because is mine!
/Slaughter turns and slams the folding chair on the Iron Sheik, rips off the ushanka, and ties on an American flag bandanna.
BAH GAWD! AH DON'T BELIEVE WHAT AH JUST SAW! SGT. SLAUGHTER HAS TURNED HIS BACK ON THE RUSSIANS! HE'S REJOINED AMERICA!
You know what? This is stupid. Fuck it. I've got a gold medal to go win. You tools just settle this yourselves.
BHGP wishes Zadick and Metcalf luck as they go for gold at the World Championships.
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I never did trust that goddamn Sgt. Slaughter
Oh, *fuck you*! I'm not the rope-totin' Charlie Bronson wannabe that's getting us fucking lost!
by Scrotie McBoogerballs on Sep 10, 2010 8:01 AM CDT reply actions
Don't you dare question the Sarge's patriotism!
He helped beat Cobra, you Commie Pinko!
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Sep 10, 2010 9:31 AM CDT up reply actions
Waiting for Adrian, Ace and...
our favorite Freedom loving, red-blooded Son of Uncle Sam
KOK, you might be a genius...
by hawkeye_heartattack on Sep 10, 2010 8:09 AM CDT reply actions
Stay tuned.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
I was kinda hoping
Slaughter would turn around and do that again and again until it was just him and Metcalf. Then he’d pull off his mask and show he was really Tom Brands.
Why didn't you tell them sooner?
Didn’t you know they were writing this post?
Oh, you didn’t? Well why didn’t they consult you? They knew they were writing this post.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Sep 10, 2010 1:58 PM CDT up reply actions
Sigh
I wish is was still that stage of my life where I enjoyed wrasslin.
A Voice From Kinnick - A Hawkeye Blog
As a kid I saw the Iron Sheik in the St Louis airport.
The flowing robes, the grace, bald…striking. …
Back in high school (mid 80's)
I worked at the local arena. The WWF had a show in said arena and I was working backstage. In the middle of the show I was sent into the dressing rooms to clean up. As I walked in, the Iron Sheik, Sgt. Slaughter and a few others were sitting around in jeans and t-shirts playing cards together. All friendly and such. That was like seeing Uncle Sam hugging the Ayatollah. From that day on I questioned everything. Starting with the Easter Bunny and going all the way to Santa Claus.
Who's leg do I have to hump to get a drink around here?-Brian
My dad worked at the arena formerly named the 5 seasons center
and told me almost this exact story. I think it was even the same guys playing cards. I was at an age where I was just starting to suspect something was up with wrasslin, that it maybe wasn’t quite on the level. Still, probably could’ve done without the shocking reality for a couple more years.
I still watch wrasslin from time to time, but it sure doesn’t rile up people like it did in the days from that YouTube clip. Since the days of Stone Cold, The Rock, and nWo, it’s not even really entertaining as a fake sport. Just a thing to watch while talking shit with the fellas. I blame the WWE/WCW merger. Vinny Mac killed the competition and then got soft.
"we're the only team in the state, as far as I know."
by IPeeBlackAndGold on Sep 10, 2010 10:34 AM CDT up reply actions
This
I thought Trolololo was going to be the clip that Volkoff was going to sing.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Sep 10, 2010 2:11 PM CDT up reply actions
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