Chicago, IL - In a stunning move, Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delany today announced he had solved the problem of aligning teams into divisions for the 2011 season. His answer? Using giant cranes and hot air balloons to uproot the town of State College, Pennsylvania, and relocate it 30 miles northwest of Omaha.
"We realized the best answer was a geographic East-West split, which would preserve many of our conference's historic rivalries," Delany said during a phone interview Sunday. "But since we also wanted to maintain competitive balance, it only made sense to move State College to a more convenient location."
Following the conclusion of Penn State's football season, a crew of 700 workers will begin carving up the campus and readying sections to be airlifted 1,060 miles west, where it will be re-assembled near the town of Fremont, Neb.
"Those guys at Penn State have been complaining forever about not having a geographic conference rival," Delany added. "Well, now they'll have a great one in Nebraska!"
When questioned, Delany denied rubbing his hands together and muttering, "Money money money..."