Ricky Stanzi: The SpyHunter Saga
by RossWB on Jul 1, 2010 3:00 PM CDT
in Iowa Hawkeyes Football
Email
Print
Somewhere on the east coast...
Man, there's nothing like safeguarding freedom and democracy in America by busting up a Russian spy ring to make the summer go by faster. Right, Adrian?
Damn straight. And that Russian chick was pretty hot. You know, for an evil commie spy.
It sure as heck beats helping Ken organize his sock drawer. But there's one thing about that bust that's still bugging me...
Yo, what's that, Ricky?
Well, if it hadn't been for some quick thinking on Ace's part to bite through their brake lines, those Russian spies might have escaped. It's almost like they knew we were coming...
You saying we got a spy in our crew, Ricky?
I don't know. I know it wasn't me and you were knocking out their getaway driver --
Fuckin' cabbies.
-- and Ace was biting through the brake lines. Wait...
ARF?
I know where I was and I know where you guys were, but... where was Sexy Cop during the raid? Did you see her?
Nope.
ARF
Alright, Sexy Cop, where were you when all this was going down?
Um, waiting in the car. You know, in case they escaped and we needed to chase them down.
That's bullshit, Ricky. You know Ace had the keys -- he always drives.
That's true, he is an excellent driver.
ARF!
Were you really waiting in the car, Sexy Cop?
Da -- I mean, yes.
"Da"? Only Russians say that! Pull over, Ace!
Bah! So you've uncovered my secret? умереть, американских свиньи!
BANG BANG
Look out!
(Stanzi and Clayborn swerve to avoid the bullets)
га ха! У вас нет надежды, грязный американских! Моя товарищей будет здесь любую минуту убить вас!
Ace, bogey dead ahead!
ARF ARF
Nice shooting, Ace!
Ба! Вы только задержки на неизбежность ваш Doom, американских собаки!
Aw hell, shut up, you commie bitch.
Nice punch, Adrian. I don't normally condone violence against women, but I'll make an exception for commie spies.
Damn straight.
Ace, pull over so we can get to the bottom of this.
Good lord, she's wearing a wig! Let's see what she really looks like...
What the hell?! Yo, Ricky, I thought we already busted that hot Russian broad.
га ха! Stupid American! "Anna" was my twin!
Hot damn, evil twins! This just gets more and more twisted.
ARF!
Alright, Sexy Cop, time to come clean -- who were you working with? Who's your Russian handler?
ARCHE! I' ll погибнуть прежде, чем я говорить Вам грязный свиней.
Blast! We need to get her back to HQ, Adrian. I think J speaks Russian.
bang bang
Dosvedanya... assholes. (dies)
Dammit! Now how are we going to get to the bottom of this mess?
(Meanwhile, 200 yards away...)
BRING BRING
Well? Is it done?
TROLOLOLOLO
Good. Sexy Cop was a loose end that could not be tolerated.
TROLOLOLOLO?
Nyet. It is not yet time to eliminate the Ameristanzi and his comrades. Our master wants to do that personally.
YES THAT IS TRUE. THOSE LONG-HAIRED HIPPIE DO-GOODERS AND THEIR MONGREL DOG ARE ALMOST AS ANNOYING AS THE FILTHY SPANIARDS. THEIR DEMISE MUST BE CAREFULLY PLANNED, JUST AS I PLOTTED THE DOWNFALL OF THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE IN MY YOUNGER DAYS. GODFORSAKEN TURKS.
To be continued...?
44 comments
|
0 recs |
Do you like this story?
Comments
When JoePa says plotting the downfall of the ottoman empire...
all i can picture is a crazy old man burning a bunch of footstools. someone make that picture so!
Keeping wildlife, an amphibious rodent, for uh, domestic, you know, within the city - that aint legal either, Dude.
by AcrimoniousAngerererer on Jul 1, 2010 3:22 PM CDT reply actions
Expensive couch, expensive vase behind the couch, t.v. tray for an end table...
…one of these things is not like the others, one of these things just don’t belong.
[That is all.]
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Jul 2, 2010 8:17 AM CDT up reply actions
Sexy Cop is a Russian Spy?
My heart is broken.
"The possibility of physical and mental collapse is now very real. No sympathy for the Devil, keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride." HST
No,...
clearly she was impersonating sexy cop. I have to believe that sexy cop is tied up in her underwar in the basement of the Russian Spy’s house.
This shit..
never gets old…I LOVE IT!!
Oh, *fuck you*! I'm not the rope-totin' Charlie Bronson wannabe that's getting us fucking lost!
by Scrotie McBoogerballs on Jul 1, 2010 3:32 PM CDT reply actions
You know...
Sexy Cop never did sit well with me…
In heaven there is no beer. This isn't heaven, it's Iowa.
God bless the interwebs.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Аминь, брат
Facts sometimes have a strange and bizarre power that makes their inherent truth seem unbelievable. - Werner Herzog
Brother?
Amen, comrade.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Jul 3, 2010 11:03 AM CDT up reply actions
Is it wrong
That the second I saw this headline I immediately started googling Spy Hunter emulators?
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
She must have been one hell of a spy.
To be able to infiltrate Ace and the boys is one hell of a feat. They must have let there judgement get clouded…..
Who's leg do I have to hump to get a drink around here?-Brian
Damn you all!
Now, for the entirety of Independence weekend I’ll not be able to stop the music in my head…
Damn it, I’m 7 again.
[I hope that link is the right one. I have no sound here at work, but I remember the Peter Gunn music very well.]
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Jul 1, 2010 4:01 PM CDT reply actions
How did I miss that
I never realized that that music was the tune of Peter Gunn until you said it. Now I listen to it and that’s all I can hear. Wow.
by shada's revenge on Jul 1, 2010 4:49 PM CDT up reply actions
This
also explains the mystery as to where Ace was during AC’s last press avail.
Based on the "Poc"...
…I’m going to assume that this is how you say “Paki-Bomb” in Russian.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Jul 2, 2010 8:19 AM CDT up reply actions
It's "Ross."
Translation: Thank you Ross, thank you.
Phonetically, the “thank you” is “spahseeba.”
"Kittens give Morbo gas."
by Bucketochicken on Jul 2, 2010 8:21 AM CDT up reply actions
Fuckin' cabbies indeed.
If you do not continue this series, I will be angry and gratuitously egg WaterlooChazzWTF on and he will post nonstop.
—Белланка
Mr. Boh Knows ...
And then how do we get to the fourth week of August without a mandatory detour to detox?
Mr. Boh Knows ...
I'll probably post non-stop either way, so...
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on Jul 1, 2010 8:51 PM CDT up reply actions
Is JoePa still a racist
if he hates all races?
Idle talk and hollow promises; cheating Judases; doubting Thomases
Nah, it just means that Buck Nasty took him to the Player Hater's Ball...
…hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Jul 2, 2010 8:24 AM CDT up reply actions
I think that would make him racest.
"Kittens give Morbo gas."
by Bucketochicken on Jul 2, 2010 8:31 AM CDT up reply actions
There is no racial bigotry here.
We do not look down on n*****s, k***s, w**s or cyclones. Here, they are all equally worthless.
Facts sometimes have a strange and bizarre power that makes their inherent truth seem unbelievable. - Werner Herzog
In Soviet Russia...
dog shoot YOU!
Waitaminute…
It took a move to LA to figure out how big of a dick I really am.
by With Ferentz Like These... on Jul 1, 2010 10:27 PM CDT reply actions
First Trololo, now Putin.
What’s the over/under on Boris from GoldenEye getting involved in this at some point?
"I am in blood stepped in so far that should I wade no more, Returning were as tedious as go o’er." - Adrian Clayborn
by Smokin Herb Grigsby on Jul 1, 2010 11:07 PM CDT reply actions
Is Wassamatta U. supposed to be any good this year?
"Kittens give Morbo gas."
by Bucketochicken on Jul 2, 2010 8:19 AM CDT up reply actions
With how JoePa is playing this situation, this could go all the way to next year's Marchifornication
And I am completely in support of this (as long as Stanzi and America triumph – If you don’t love it, leave it)
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
Does this mean...
that JoePa owns Russia?
We Are Mother Russia?
Why expand the Big Ten when we could just kick Northwestern out?
I think Tim Brewster is behind that spy ring. Seriously, Boris and Natasha would be a huge improvement. The one “spy” actually gave her computer to an undercover FBI agent. One theory I’ve read indicates that Russia is so paranoid that they sent in stupid people to try to confirm what their real spies were saying.
But I think it was Brewster. And maybe Zook. And John Cooper.
"Now we can no longer hold back. It will be a terrible war." - Emperor Jim Delany I
?
This was the silliest, more irrelevant gibberish I have ever seen. Brilliant!
An adaption of this would be the best blockbuster of the summer. No hyperbole.
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
User Tools
Related FanPosts on Black Heart Gold Pants
Related FanShots on Black Heart Gold Pants
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
Certain photos copyright © 2012 by Associated Press or Getty Images. Any commercial use or distribution without the express written consent of Associated Press and Getty Images is strictly prohibited.
