Big Ten Division Alignment: Crafting The Worst Divisions Possible

because that fireball you blew was bad ass.

The SEC made sure that long-standing rivalries such as Georgia-Auburn and Alabama-Tennessee continued, even though they were in separate divisions. Every team has one permanent rival in the other division. Can’t see why the Big 10 couldn’t do that.

1) Split the Big Ten, by geography into two divisions of 6, North and South.
2) Split each division into two further subdivisions of 3, East and West.
3) Now take the North-East and South-West divisions, and create a new division called the “Big” division. Combine the other two divisions into the “Ten” division.
4) Split each division into three 2 team micro-divisions, based on rivalry. These will be called “buddy divisions”.
5) Rank these buddy divisions by how famous they are.
6) Take the most famous buddy divisions from each division, and combine them with the average-known and least famous of the buddy divisions from the opposite division. These groups will be called “Super Buddy Cross Conference Divisions”
7) Each team plays the 6 teams from the opposite division, as well as 3 of the 5 other teams from their own divisions. Two teams they play from their own division will rotate, with one team fixed (their buddy division team).

Simple enough.

Splitting OSU and Michigan is a stupid idea. Unless you want to see OSU and Michigan play eachother twice in 2 weeks every year. Yes, that would be once as a protected interdivision rivaly game, and again in the conference championship game. Michigan will be back after Rodriguez because, they are Michigan. And this is coming from a Buckeye. OSU and Michigan need to be in the same division, and so do PSU and NB (for competitive balance)…..

I believe I have a simple, effective plan for the new Big Ten.

STEP 1: Add Notre Dame
Except, you know, don’t tell them. Whenever we ask, they just say no. So just include them without telling them. It will be our little secret. This also expands the conference to 13, so now we are at MAC levels of scheduling awkwardness.

STEP 2: Split into two divisions
Because there are now 13 teams, the divisions will be the X Division and the III Division. We divide the teams in the only way that makes sense: teams from states with names that start with an I, and teams from the other states. Since there are six teams from three states that start with an I, they go to the III Division. So now we have:
Big Ten X Division: Michigan, Michigan State, Minnesota, Nebraska, Ohio State, Penn State, Wisconsin
Big Ten III Division: Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Northwestern, Notre Dame, Purdue

STEP 3: We’re talkin’ basketball
Since the III Division has Indiana, we assume it will become some kind of basketball superpower so we stick in something about basketball into the division name. Then we split the division into two triumvirates, 1A and 1AA, which will be used for basketball’s new system of promotion and relegation. Don’t worry though, in football they are still equal. If we look at the Big Ten now, we see:
Big Ten X Division: Michigan, Michigan State, Minnesota, Nebraska, Ohio State, Penn State, Wisconsin
Big Ten III Super Basketball Double Triumvirate I-A: Illinois, Indiana, Notre Dame
Big Ten III Super Basketball Double Triumvirate I-AA: Iowa, Northwestern, Purdue

STEP 4: Using logic to further divide the X Division
Using some of the same logic as the original post of course. We put Ohio State and Michigan in different subdivisions. We temporarily call them the Buckeye Subdivision and the Wolverine Subdivision so we don’t lose track. Now we put Nebraska and Penn State in the same division so we can always have the dream matchup for the 1994 National Championship that never happened. Who else was competing for the MNC that year? Ohio State. Don’t give me that bull about how they lost their second game and ended up 9-4. OSU IS A GREAT FOOTBALL TEAM AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN, OK? So now we have our final divisions set:
Big Ten X Division 1994 National Championship Triumverate: Nebraska, Ohio State, Penn State
Big Ten X Division Wolverines & the Leftovers Quadrant: Michigan, Michigan State, Minnesota, Wisconsin
Big Ten III Super Basketball Double Triumvirate I-A: Illinois, Indiana, Notre Dame
Big Ten III Super Basketball Double Triumvirate I-AA: Iowa, Northwestern, Purdue

STEP 5: The schedule
This is where the Big Ten gets innovative.
A) Inter-subdivisional play: Every team will play against three teams from the opposite subdivision in the first part of division play. This means everyone plays everyone in the IIISBDT, and every team from the X Division ‘94NCT will play against all but one of their opponents from X Division W&LOsQ. The one team that gets left out each week in the X Division will play against the Cleveland Browns in a game that still counts towards conference play.
B) Subdivisional play: Each subdivision will play a round robin, and afterwards the top three teams from each subdivision will go on to the Triumvirate Championship Ménage à Trois, except the Wolverines & the Leftovers Quadrant which will have their round robin champions move on to a playoff game against the 2nd placed team from the Big Ten X Division 1994 National Championship Triumverate Championship Ménage à Trois one week later.
Now for those who aren’t sure, a Triumverate Championship Ménage à Trois is a three way football game played in three halves over 90 minutes. The teams are seeded #1-3, and the game is played in this way: 1st Half – #1 v #3, 2nd Half – #2 v #3, 3rd Half – #1 v #2
In the result of a tie, the game will be decided by a new overtime format we will call “Big Ten Penalty Kicks”, where each teams kicker will attempt a field goal from the 28 yard line while the opponent sends out their three fattest players to stand 5 yards away from the kicker, and these players will be shirtless and rubbing cocoa butter all over their bellies in an attempt to distract the kicker.
C) Big Ten Playoffs: We start with the semifinals, which will pit the IIISBDT I-A champion against the X Division ‘94NCT champion, while the IIISBDT I-AA champion faces the winner of the X Division W&LOsQ champion/’94NCT runner-up playoff. The two winners meet in the Big Ten Championship.
D) Rivalry Week: And just to ensure that this isn’t the last chance to ruin a team’s shot at a national championship, and because we haven’t gotten to inter-divisional play yet, we will have Rivalry Week after that. But instead of choosing real rivalries, we draw them out of a hat and make new rivalries. So now we get the following matchups: Iowa-Michigan State, Northwestern-Nebraska, Ohio State-Illinois, Penn State-Indiana, Michigan-Purdue, Notre Dame-Minnesota, and no one gives a shit about Wisconsin. Can you feel the hate?!?!

So the schedule now:
Weeks 1-4: Cupcakes + one legit BCS opponent
Weeks 5-7: Inter-subdivisional play
Weeks 8-10: Subdivisional round-robin
Week 11: Triumvirate Championship Ménage à Trois Week
Week 12: X Division 1994 National Championship Triumverate runner-up v. Wolverines & the Leftovers Quadrant champion playoff
Week 13: Big Ten Semi-finals
Week 14: Big Ten Championship
Week 15: Rivalry Week