Uncovering The Truth On That Awful "We Are Notre Dame" Video

Scene: an administration building at a college in the Midwest. An angry crowd has gathered around the building, holding signs and demanding the firing of several people. Effigies burn. Inside the building, an old, white man stares out the window, grave concern on his face. A desperately optimistic assistant sits nearby at a desk.

Iconbenedict_medium Sigh.

Iconkenneth_medium What's wrong, Father?

Iconbenedict_medium This was not supposed to happen. Our fans were supposed to embrace the new video. It was supposed to elevate our athletic department beyond the Big Ten! We were supposed to have the ultimate ace in the hole for independence! The world was supposed to understand!

Iconkenneth_medium Yes.

Iconbenedict_medium And this happens instead. A spastic, sickly albino and his awful little song.

Iconkenneth_medium Don't forget the rapping virgin!

Iconbenedict_medium I have not forgotten, Assistant Boy. I could never forget.

Iconkenneth_medium Sigh.

Iconbenedict_medium Who was responsible for this video, again? We stayed in house for it, yes?

Iconkenneth_medium We did. The producer was Ted Mandell. He's a video editing professor here.

Iconbenedict_medium I need his personnel file.

Iconkenneth_medium But Father, finding that will take months, if not years. Unless you suggest...

Iconbenedict_medium Yes.

Iconbenedict_medium ACTIVATE VATICOM. 

Iconbonzi_medium I AM VATICOM.

Iconkenneth_medium (doesn't have the heart to tell the chancellor that "Vaticom" is really an 11-year-old iMac with Bonzi Buddy installed and an "Automatic For The Papal" sticker on the side)

Iconbenedict_medium Vaticom, access the personnel file for Ted Mandell.

Iconbonzi_medium RIGHT AWAY.

Iconbonzi_medium Ted Mandell teaches film and video production with specific interests in digital post-production.

Iconbenedict_medium Yes.

Iconbonzi_medium He is in charge of the annual Notre Dame Student Film Festival and also pens a regular column on all things media-related for the Indianapolis Star.

Iconbenedict_medium I know that!

Iconbonzi_medium He is also author of the multimedia book/CD Heart Stoppers and Hail Marys: 100 of the Greatest College Football Finishes, and the children's book I Play for Notre Dame.

Iconbenedict_medium And a Notre Dame alumnus?

Iconbonzi_medium ...

Iconbonzi_medium  I'm afraid not.

Iconbenedict_medium WHAT?!

Iconbonzi_medium M.A., University of Iowa

Iconbenedict_medium ...

Iconkenneth_medium ...

Iconbenedict_medium ...

Iconbonzi_medium (tells some shitty stupid joke and demands payment for better jokes)

Iconbenedict_medium Assistant Boy, we have a very serious situation. Gather security, and have them escort you and me to Mr. Mandrell's office.

Iconsoldier_medium We are right here.

Iconbenedict_medium Very good.

At Mandrell's office...

Iconbenedict_medium OPEN UP, MANDELL!

Iconsoldier_medium YES, AT ONCE, OR WE SHOOT TO KILL!

Iconkenneth_medium Wait, you didn't say "kirr."

Iconsoldier_medium We've been working on our cartoonish speech affectations.

Iconsoldier_medium (busts door down)

Iconkenneth_medium Why, it's... empty.

Iconbenedict_medium He must have knew we were coming.

Iconsoldier_medium There's nothing but his desk... and a note atop it.

Iconbenedict_medium READ IT.

Iconkenneth_medium The note's just three lines of that Grantland Rice poem. It says,

When the Great Scorer comes
to write against our name,
He won't write whether we won or lost...

Iconbenedict_medium ...but how come we got gypped at Notre Dame.

Iconkenneth_medium Sir, those aren't the words.

Iconbenedict_medium Ah, but they are in Iowa City.

Iconkenneth_medium Sir?

Iconbenedict_medium They got even, those Iowa bastards. They finally got even.

Meanwhile, in heaven...

Icongod_medium Nice work, Mr. Evashevski, but I'm afraid there's no cigar smoking up here.

Iconevashevski_medium God, I hate this fucking place.

Icongod_medium I know.

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