Uncovering The Truth On That Awful "We Are Notre Dame" Video
by Adam Jacobi on May 3, 2010 8:00 AM CDT
in Iowa Hawkeyes Football
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PrintScene: an administration building at a college in the Midwest. An angry crowd has gathered around the building, holding signs and demanding the firing of several people. Effigies burn. Inside the building, an old, white man stares out the window, grave concern on his face. A desperately optimistic assistant sits nearby at a desk.
Sigh.
What's wrong, Father?
This was not supposed to happen. Our fans were supposed to embrace the new video. It was supposed to elevate our athletic department beyond the Big Ten! We were supposed to have the ultimate ace in the hole for independence! The world was supposed to understand!
Yes.
And this happens instead. A spastic, sickly albino and his awful little song.
Don't forget the rapping virgin!
I have not forgotten, Assistant Boy. I could never forget.
Sigh.
Who was responsible for this video, again? We stayed in house for it, yes?
We did. The producer was Ted Mandell. He's a video editing professor here.
I need his personnel file.
But Father, finding that will take months, if not years. Unless you suggest...
Yes.
ACTIVATE VATICOM.
I AM VATICOM.
(doesn't have the heart to tell the chancellor that "Vaticom" is really an 11-year-old iMac with Bonzi Buddy installed and an "Automatic For The Papal" sticker on the side)
Vaticom, access the personnel file for Ted Mandell.
RIGHT AWAY.
Ted Mandell teaches film and video production with specific interests in digital post-production.
Yes.
He is in charge of the annual Notre Dame Student Film Festival and also pens a regular column on all things media-related for the Indianapolis Star.
I know that!
He is also author of the multimedia book/CD Heart Stoppers and Hail Marys: 100 of the Greatest College Football Finishes, and the children's book I Play for Notre Dame.
And a Notre Dame alumnus?
...
WHAT?!
...
...
...
(tells some shitty stupid joke and demands payment for better jokes)
Assistant Boy, we have a very serious situation. Gather security, and have them escort you and me to Mr. Mandrell's office.
We are right here.
Very good.
At Mandrell's office...
OPEN UP, MANDELL!
YES, AT ONCE, OR WE SHOOT TO KILL!
Wait, you didn't say "kirr."
We've been working on our cartoonish speech affectations.
(busts door down)
Why, it's... empty.
He must have knew we were coming.
There's nothing but his desk... and a note atop it.
READ IT.
The note's just three lines of that Grantland Rice poem. It says,
When the Great Scorer comes
to write against our name,
He won't write whether we won or lost...
...but how come we got gypped at Notre Dame.
Sir, those aren't the words.
Ah, but they are in Iowa City.
Sir?
They got even, those Iowa bastards. They finally got even.
Meanwhile, in heaven...
Nice work, Mr. Evashevski, but I'm afraid there's no cigar smoking up here.
God, I hate this fucking place.
I know.
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Unbelievable
Before the jump I was like, “Ok, decent.” But after the jump I was like, “HOLYSHITAWESOME!” Evy’s revenge! Let’s hope he’s not finished.
by PurpleMonkeyDishwasher on May 3, 2010 8:19 AM CDT reply actions
Well played
Even after the “M.A., University of Iowa” I didn’t see exactly where you were going with this. I applaud you, sir.
I didn't see it coming either...
Excellent work.
by Norm Parker's Amputated Toes on May 3, 2010 7:56 PM CDT up reply actions
Every time I read something about the Fainting Irish...
…I get a little closer to being okay with the idea of having them in the Big Conference. I would love to go cheer against them in front of Touchdown Jesus (of course I’d probably spend my entire first trip there quoting Rudy).
by Eyeheartfreedumb on May 3, 2010 10:08 AM CDT reply actions
Fixed
I would love to go cheer against them in front ofTouchdownFourth and Short Jesus (of course I’d probably spend my entire first trip there quoting Rudy).
"There are only three certainties in college football: all players will eventually leave, the ACC will be bad, and Joe Paterno ", Clay Travis, CNNsi Fanhouse
absurd, sublimely absurd
Fuck yes.
Keeping wildlife, an amphibious rodent, for uh, domestic, you know, within the city - that aint legal either, Dude.
by AcrimoniousAngerererer on May 3, 2010 10:56 AM CDT reply actions
Is Freekbass himself also a rival saboteur? He attended Cincinnati School for Creative and Performing Arts
Gather round and let’s discuss the epic screwjob Notre Dame put on CSfSaPA in the ’39 Sugar Bowl
Longest Atlanta Falcons winning-seasons streak: 2008 - current
The Falcoholic · Blog · Twitter
I'll never forget when my little sister downloaded Bonzi Buddy onto our family PC.
We were all asking her “why would you fall for something so stupid?” She was insistent that the “cuteness” of Bonzi outweighed any potential drawbacks. Needless to say, Bonzi gave our computer AIDS.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
I thought you only got aids
from sucking 25 bloody dicks and fucking a deer?
"So while while I may be douchy, I’m not rusty."
I like living under a bridge
because I can masturbate without my wife bothering me.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on May 4, 2010 10:46 PM CDT up reply actions
You're looking a little unkempt, though.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
You can't smoke in heaven?
Is there an escalator to hell? I bet Evy goes down there just to smoke.
A Voice From Kinnick - A Hawkeye Blog
Or drink
that’s why we drink it here, you know.
It never gets to be easy
by chitownhawkeye on May 3, 2010 6:18 PM CDT up reply actions 2 recs
+1
"I want your money, but I don't want your two cents." - JVP
by ReadingRambler on May 3, 2010 6:49 PM CDT up reply actions
Wow. Just wow.
Out-freaking-standing. Oh, and I tried Mandell’s book/CD “Heart Stoppers and Hail Marys: 100 of the Greatest College Football Finishes” and it sucked, because it did NOT include Iowa-Michigan 1985.
Musburger owned that call.
Say whatever you will about the guy, but you can sometimes tell he actually loves the sport as much as we do.
"I want your money, but I don't want your two cents." - JVP
by ReadingRambler on May 3, 2010 6:50 PM CDT up reply actions
Imagine that there's a video of me slow clapping...
here.
Bravo, good sir!
Master of the convoluted IOWA cheers!
This was awesome.
However, I’m not even sure I want an Iowa alum involved with that FreekBass dude in any capacity. THE VIDEO WAS THAAAAT BAD!
Someday, they should base an entire creative writing class at UI on these dialogues from BHGP. You guys are the Kurt Vonnegut/Tennessee Williams of the Interwebs.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
BHGP definitely is shaped by Vonnegut
but I’m not sure there’s enough melodrama for Williams. I think there are healthy doses of Flannery O’Connor and John Irving, though.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on May 4, 2010 3:12 AM CDT up reply actions
BHGP's dominant influence
is and always will be Vince McMahon.
I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks
by Adam Jacobi on May 4, 2010 7:50 AM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
And Norm MacDonald.
Before you respond, let me remind you: Brian Cook called me smug, which makes me the Obama of smugness. I'm basically Smugbama.
And occasionally Tracy Morgan.
Before you respond, let me remind you: Brian Cook called me smug, which makes me the Obama of smugness. I'm basically Smugbama.
Live every week
like it’s ‘Shark Week’.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on May 4, 2010 10:52 AM CDT up reply actions
You had me until you said "Tracy Morgan."
Stick to the Norm MacDonald.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on May 4, 2010 9:33 PM CDT up reply actions
I'll admit, I'm a bit racist.
I try to fight it and not be a jerk.
But Tracy Morgan would suck even if he was orange.
And no, that orange comment was not a joke against any tribe of Native Americans.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on May 5, 2010 5:57 PM CDT up reply actions
"But Tracy Morgan would suck even if he was orange."
You do realize that our Norm Parker character is our impression of Tracy Morgan doing an impression of an old white guy, right?
I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks
Never knew that.
It doesn’t seem like it. Norm doesn’t use any sci-fi or cartoon references.
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on May 6, 2010 11:46 PM CDT up reply actions
I think it time for a .......
WHOOOOOSHHHHHHH
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on May 7, 2010 11:08 AM CDT up reply actions
Does that mean Lake the Posts' dominant influence
would be Eric Bischoff?
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on May 4, 2010 10:54 AM CDT up reply actions
More like Vince Russo.
At least Bischoff gave us the early, non-sucky NOW (and also the later, very-sucky NWO, but hey).
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Not enough melodrama?
You, sir, obviously have not read anything from SMA about Lickliter (sorry Stoops, I know I give you a lot of shit about that…. it’s all in fun- – a.k.a. “I keed”).
The Vonnegut influences are obvious when y’all start talking about the Pakibomb.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on May 4, 2010 8:38 AM CDT up reply actions
Also...
does anything regarding Leman/Stanzi count as melodrama?
I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
-- Judge Smails
by WaterlooChazz on May 4, 2010 9:34 PM CDT up reply actions
Next Man In
Evy had a job to do, Ted Mandell was expendable.
Facts sometimes have a strange and bizarre power that makes their inherent truth seem unbelievable. - Werner Herzog
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