So You've Drafted Tony Moeaki: A New Owner's Guide
Congratulations! You've just made the wonderful decision to draft Tony Moeaki! Like most new Moeaki owners, you're no doubt filled with questions about your new family member. We here at Black Heart Gold Pants will try our best to answer any questions you might have.
We drafted Tony Moeaki. That's a good thing, right? It certainly is, just as long as you pay no attention to that giant honking IF: his injury status.
Yeah, what's the deal with all the injuries? First, a quick rundown: During the fourth game of his junior year of 2007, Moeaki simultaneously suffered a dislocated elbow and a broken wrist, injuries similar to what befell Andrew Bogut. The rehab kept him out of action for the rest of the season and spring ball, then in 2008 (his second try at a junior year), he broke his foot during spring practices. That nagged at him for the entire year, causing lingering leg problems and eventually requiring a second off-season surgery. Also, he suffered two concussions during '08.
Then, sure enough, Moeaki missed three games this season with another ankle injury, though the third missed game was Arkansas State; Moeaki probably would have played if it were a Big Ten opponent. He shined from then on, though, displaying his athleticism with two long-YACed touchdowns against Michigan and a gorgeous touchdown catch in the back corner of the end zone at Wisconsin. Those are on this highlight reel, but mind the language in the music; I think we caught an effenheimer in there.
So should we expect more injuries? Eh, tough to say. None of his injuries were affecting him terribly by the end of the year, and the only thing on the list of injuries that would be terribly relevant going forward would probably be the concussions, and even then, Tony Mo's not that far out of the norm for the NFL these days (a fact that makes us cringe, but it is what it is, we suppose).
Fine. Let's say he stays healthy. What kind of player do we have? Hoo boy. We realize we're homers here, but there's a reason why Moeaki was so highly regarded coming out of high school. He is not only a superb athlete, but one of the better blocking TEs in the draft. There aren't really any holes in his game (except, of course, whether he can play or not). His routes are crisp, his top end speed is more than adequate, he seals the edge beautifully, and he's a nice guy off the field. If he'd been healthy the whole time, he would have A) graduated last year, and B) probably been drafted a lot higher than 93rd.
So is it fair to compare him to Tony Gonzalez, like we're already doing? Of course not. Tony Gonzalez is this generation's best tight end, and it's not even close. Gonzalez and Moeaki have the same first name, but still. What Moeaki does have is the physical talent to stick around in the NFL for a long time. If, of course, he stays healthy.
And what if he doesn't stay healthy? Well, you can't say nobody warned you.
Will Tony Moeaki be awesome? We'd better hope so, because after his time at Iowa, a successful NFL career would be proof that we do, in fact, live in a just universe.
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well put
Tigers love pepper... they hate cinnamon.
by White Lightning on Apr 23, 2010 9:36 PM CDT reply actions
Hey Commentariat -
This is totally off-topic, but I need your advice. I’m writing a paper for a class, and I’m using this made up example of me talking to a future principal to secure funding for books for my classroom and blah blah blah, and I wondering if you all think it’s a good idea if I call this made-up principal “Principal Blumkin.” I’m pretty sure this professor would have no clue what a blumkin is, and even if she does, I don’t think it would really be in her best interest to call me out on it, you know?
"Enough of your borax, Poindexter! We need action!"
by Bucketochicken on Apr 23, 2010 10:23 PM CDT reply actions
hilarious, but probably a poor choice
Luck is probability taken personally, clutch is probability attributed to individuals.
Just how deeply can your senses be wrong? With some VR goggles, a camera and a touch on the back researchers were able to overcome a person's sense of being inside their own body.
by shake n bake on Apr 23, 2010 11:07 PM CDT up reply actions
No good can come of that and you know it.
Maybe just “Lumkin” and you can keep the joke for yourself. Plus if the professor balks on account of the joke, then you can really call her a dirty-minded perv.
I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks
by Adam Jacobi on Apr 23, 2010 11:23 PM CDT up reply actions
Yeah, I ended up not using it.
Didn’t really need to anyway – the example I was going to use ended up being different, so the little bit of dialogue I was gonna use ended up on the cutting-room floor. Still, I sat in front of my computer and giggled for about ten minutes, so that was a nice break.
"Enough of your borax, Poindexter! We need action!"
by Bucketochicken on Apr 23, 2010 11:34 PM CDT up reply actions
I think this definition makes me happiest:
The act of receiving very tempting oral sex, commonly know as a blowjob, while expelling fecal matter on a toilet seat. It is common at most social gatherings such as house parties, where Mexican black beans are served, along with very erotic females walking around.
Huh? It is common at social gatherings? What makes these black beans Mexican? What makes these females very erotic? Why am I typing everything in italics?
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Apr 23, 2010 11:42 PM CDT up reply actions
And furthermore,
shouldn’t one expel fecal matter into a toilet as opposed to on a toilet seat? That just seems lazy.
"Enough of your borax, Poindexter! We need action!"
by Bucketochicken on Apr 23, 2010 11:50 PM CDT up reply actions
Hmm...
It seems like it would be more difficult to stick the landing on a toilet seat than in the bowl itself. I mean, we’ve been practicing it the other way our entire lives, so switching it up seems less lazy and more… inspired.
And do you need to cover the ENTIRE seat?
It strikes me that one would need to employ a pronounced hip swivel to achieve a motion similar to that of a cake decorator putting the final swirl of frosting on a cupcake.

Not really sure how the sprinkles got there…
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Apr 24, 2010 10:39 AM CDT up reply actions
Maybe they're like corn and don't get digested?
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
by ClaybornSmash on Apr 24, 2010 11:34 AM CDT up reply actions
They're likely a byproduct of corn
just like everything else we eat, so that seems plausible.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Apr 24, 2010 12:02 PM CDT up reply actions
On that note....
This documentary is really good, in case you’ve not yet seen it:
"Enough of your borax, Poindexter! We need action!"
by Bucketochicken on Apr 24, 2010 12:09 PM CDT up reply actions
I have got to stop taking my laptop outside
when i am smoking and reading this website, my neighbors think i am crazy for laughing so hard
I would like to be facebook friends with Terry Strauss
Seen it.
It’s good if not a little scattershot.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Apr 24, 2010 3:34 PM CDT up reply actions
Clearly
I need to spend more time at most social gatherings such as house parties.
by Norm Parker's Amputated Toes on Apr 24, 2010 12:49 AM CDT reply actions
+1
Adrian Clayborn is strong enough to pull the ears off a Gundark
by The Bacon Explosion on Apr 24, 2010 7:53 AM CDT up reply actions
Thanks Adam
This is on the front page at AP. Great stuff.
Founded Arrowhead Pride 7/26/2006
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Great write up guys
Nice to get an insiders view to our newest addition at TE.
Founder of the "Decker at 50 (if he makes it there) club"
Snap the fucking ball Brodie!
On September 13, 2010 I will finally get to share the Arrowhead Experience with my Wife. What better way that beating the hell out of the Dolts.
I think this pick was stunning
First off, TM was drafted ahead of a slew of very productive and NFL worthy TEs. The injury argument often causes players to drop dramatically—although that is more dramatic in frist round picks who garner more mullah. So one could argue that TM might really be a mid second round draft pick if he were less of a health risk, and had he really stayed healty his production would have been sky high, meaning he might have been a first round draft pick.
Last years Iowa team might end up being a team with four first round draft picks (Bulaga, Clayborn, Reiff, and possibly McNutt) with a handful of twos and threes (Sash, Hunter, Binns possibly, DJK possibly, and this year’s twos and threes).
Imagine, Iowa with talent and coaching.
"I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later." M.H.
SIDE NOTE: McNutt has two years left
for you doubters and if things fall the right way he could surprise. But he needs a big year next year due to QB drop off his senior year.
"I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later." M.H.
Without the injuries?
I think Tony would definitely be a first-rounder. He has all the talent.
Life is hard. It's really hard if you're stupid.
as a seal blocker on a run based team - oh yea
He isn’t going to be able to do what Dallas Clarke does in Indy but who can? He has the hands and speed comparable to several current NFL TE’s and blocks as well or better than most.
Stay healthy and he will have a good. long career.
Adrian Clayborn is strong enough to pull the ears off a Gundark
by The Bacon Explosion on Apr 24, 2010 9:32 AM CDT up reply actions
Tony Moeaki
Please let him stay healthy and have a long NFL career. Please. The dude deserves a break.
Brunettes not fighter jets

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