MARCHIFORNICATION ROUND 3: THE FINAL SHOWDOWN
by Patrick Vint on Apr 2, 2010 12:00 PM CDT
in Iowa Hawkeyes Game Threads
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I swear to God, J, that if we play Stratego one more time I'm gonna vomit.
Aw c'mon! I want to try the "bombs in the front row" defense. Well, now that I know what you are planning to...
/flies into room GUYS GUYS GUYS What's up, Freedom Liberty Eagle? I thought you might need to know: I saw Joe Paterno coming this way Probably wants to get beat down again Pwned State LOL LOL No, Ricky, concentrate! Paterno's not alone. He has Trololo, Trololocat, and Hockeybear with him! Oh shit. That can mean only one thing. He's coming for us. Quick, J, call Clayborn /calls Clayborn's cell phone
PLEASE ENJOY THE MUSIC WHILE YOUR PARTY IS REACHED My loneliness is killing me and I...I must confess I still believe. When I'm not with yo this is AC. I can't come to the
Damn it. He's not answering He's probably locked up. I knew that cab driver thing would come back to bite us in the ass. What are we going to do now? We're gonna need backup.
/rips door off hinges
/crashes through window Did someone call for backup?
Metcalf! TMFS! We'll back you up, Rick. But you'll forfeit your spots in the tournament! We don't care. Paterno has Hockeybear AND Trololo! He must be stopped. You're right. It ends now. Let's do this.
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Awesomest
No self-respecting man from Iowa goes anywhere without beer
by Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride on Apr 2, 2010 12:08 PM CDT reply actions
No, Awesomesterest!
Joe Pa and his gang are FUCKED!
"The possibility of physical and mental collapse is now very real. No sympathy for the Devil, keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride." HST
Fra-awsomest Fra-ost Fra-ver.
Oops… that was yesterday’s gimmick.
by Stay thirsty, my friends. on Apr 2, 2010 1:50 PM CDT up reply actions
This whole thing...
should really be moved over to the “Batshit Insanity” heading.
But that would not reduce it’s Awesomeness (Awesomester-ness?)
Yee-Haw! I ride again!
by Cornshoe Hammaker on Apr 2, 2010 12:17 PM CDT reply actions
I want follow ups...
…this can’t be the end. What will happen to State College if Metcalf and Hockeybear battle? What will become of Zombie JoePa? Where’s Kirk? How does Trololopussy use an AK-47 (and does Ace care)? So many questions.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Apr 2, 2010 12:20 PM CDT reply actions
Kirk just shot Greenwood
there has to be some sort of reprocussion for that, right?
by HeroPatriotStanzi on Apr 2, 2010 12:42 PM CDT up reply actions
One would hope
Kirk what? Shot who? I tell ya, a fella steps out for 2 pound burrito and all hell breaks loose. OK, I’m gonna go take care of buisness and somebody tell Ken to stop leaving his damn toys all over the office.
Facts sometimes have a strange and bizarre power that makes their inherent truth seem unbelievable. - Werner Herzog
It was
something the defensive players had made up a few years ago. That one belongs to C. Greenway. Not available to the general public.
Facts sometimes have a strange and bizarre power that makes their inherent truth seem unbelievable. - Werner Herzog
Is it a cage match?
Is it a Money In the Bank Match? Royal Rumble? I need details!!!
Oh, otherwise, that was superb!
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
Some kind of ...
Royal Rumble/Hell in a Cell combo seems appropriate.
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Apr 2, 2010 12:31 PM CDT up reply actions
That is an EXCELLENT question
Ladder match? No-Holds-Barred? Survivor Series Match? A coffin match, perhaps?
Ugh...
…the last time I started thinking about wrestling match styles (again due to BHGP) I tried to confirm the name “Elimination Chamber Match” and ended up spending the next three hours reading about the history of modern Professional Wrestling via wiki. It was actually very interesting, but not exactly time “well spent.”
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Apr 2, 2010 3:25 PM CDT up reply actions
My wife just asked me what I was laughing at.
I got about 3 seconds into explaining and she just rolled her eyes and walked away.
I’m also praying this isn’t the end. Perhaps a final episode based on the outcome of the vote is in order.
Black and Gold Blood: Cubbie Blue Heart
Follow me on Twitter: @MattLaCasse
This is like a crime novela...
…with Choose-Your-Own-Adventure mixed in, combined with some (lowercase) pulp-fiction, some comic books, some Tom Clancy, some JoePa Chronicles press conference, and some professional wrestling storylines mixed with the A-Team.
With maybe just a little Bazooka Joe tossed in for good measure.
You just broke the Dewey Decimal System.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Apr 2, 2010 3:22 PM CDT up reply actions
I love America! I love freedom!
Fucking commie Trololo. Bears can’t be citizens, and if he loves hockey, he must be Canadian. And while JoePa is great, he’s a zombie. Which means he can’t vote (except in Chicago).
Love it or leave it! Vote Stanzi and crew.
It never gets to be easy
This isn't America anymore.
Several of these “candidates” didn’t register on time. This is a shamocracy.
What really gets me is that the owners of this shamocracy intentionally held down HOCKEYBEAR – the champion of the gods – by sticking him with that old man and a Russian guy.
Unproductive since August 21st, 2008.
by ReadingRambler on Apr 2, 2010 1:33 PM CDT up reply actions
I guess in fairness I should blame the implosion of Todd Lickliter's coaching career for forcing this, um, turn of events.
Unproductive since August 21st, 2008.
by ReadingRambler on Apr 2, 2010 1:35 PM CDT up reply actions
Well
Somebody’s a sore loser today.
Facts sometimes have a strange and bizarre power that makes their inherent truth seem unbelievable. - Werner Herzog
OH HELLS YES!!!!
I can’t wait to see Metcalf stuff his fist down Trolololo’s throat and rip his vocal cord out.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
I was just going to comment pretty much the same thing
"I know you're from Middle America, and sometimes you feel like you're representing more than just a school or a conference, maybe an entire group of American citizens out there."
by Twin Cities Hawk on Apr 2, 2010 1:08 PM CDT up reply actions
I'm just curious as to why they're in a birthing suite?
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Apr 2, 2010 1:15 PM CDT up reply actions
Circle of life, man, circle of life.
"Do a flip!" - Bender B. Rodriguez
by Bucketochicken on Apr 2, 2010 1:33 PM CDT up reply actions
Ricky loves children!
And J Leman learned a long time ago that chicks who haven’t scored in 9 months are even MORE attracted to his luxurious hair.
Bwomp chica womp chica bowmp bowm.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Apr 2, 2010 3:27 PM CDT up reply actions
That reminds me of a joke.
What do you get when you cross a brown chicken with a brown cow?
"The possibility of physical and mental collapse is now very real. No sympathy for the Devil, keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride." HST
Wow.
I just googled “brown chicken brown cow” and I think I know the answer (I don’t normally cheat, but since it was coming from you I thought I’d find out if I wanted to know), but there were multiple sites refering to chicken/cow porn, which was disturbing.
Fill the kids in (and confirm for me)…
What DO you get when you cross a brown chicken with a brown cow?
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Apr 2, 2010 3:43 PM CDT up reply actions
so my now ex-girlfriend's
dad was having some computer problems. He asked me to take a look when we were over there and I said sure. So I fire it up, it gets done booting and in the middle of the desktop there’s a shortcut for a website with “bestiality” in the title. Now, you can’t pass up confirming this kind of dirt on somebody so I click on it, and yep…. there’s good ’ole Sally Rottencrotch and Seabiscuit. Before I could get it closed, my gf comes into the room and sees it, so I explain. She barely spoke to her Dad for months after that.
Facts sometimes have a strange and bizarre power that makes their inherent truth seem unbelievable. - Werner Herzog
To be fair
I bet Sally Rottencrotch was totally asking for whatever she had coming.
"I know you're from Middle America, and sometimes you feel like you're representing more than just a school or a conference, maybe an entire group of American citizens out there."
by Twin Cities Hawk on Apr 2, 2010 11:15 PM CDT up reply actions
You got it.
And no, I was not refering to “chicken/cow porn.”
Here is the key. You have to say it in the “typical porn” theme song rythem.
brown-chicken, brown cow!
"The possibility of physical and mental collapse is now very real. No sympathy for the Devil, keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride." HST
Stanzi is the Pansy.
Unproductive since August 21st, 2008.
by ReadingRambler on Apr 2, 2010 1:29 PM CDT reply actions 1 recs
This isn't even a democracy.
I only got to vote for HOCKEYBEAR once.
ONCE!
Screw you, guys!
Unproductive since August 21st, 2008.
And you still voted for StanLe MetSash
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Apr 2, 2010 1:39 PM CDT up reply actions
No I didn't.
I voted for HOCKEYBEAR, but, dangit, he would have been better by himself.
Unproductive since August 21st, 2008.
by ReadingRambler on Apr 2, 2010 2:19 PM CDT up reply actions
So the Russian guy the Russian cat and Leman can just barge in here?
This breaks about fifteen different Constitutional amendments.
Unproductive since August 21st, 2008.
Now, now....
Where Freedom Goes, Leman Is There. The Russians and Pakibomb? Eh, Where Anarchy Goes… By the way, the Constitution provides for the right to bear arms, not arm bears. Constitution, schmonstitution. Back to Fairbanks, Ursa Destructa.
I can see the Gadsden Purchase from my back yard.
So...
Leman is above the law and can make stuff up as he goes.
That’s cool until you remember that he willingly played for Ron Zook for four years.
Next up: clone Jim Jones and make him POTUS.
Unproductive since August 21st, 2008.
by ReadingRambler on Apr 2, 2010 3:06 PM CDT up reply actions
No, the law clearly states that Leman can make stuff up as he goes...
…which is why he played for The Zooker (he wanted to commandeer the Zook Hook for freedom).
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Apr 2, 2010 3:30 PM CDT up reply actions
But can Hockeybear survive this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVDmjnCQ1g4&feature=related
My blog: http://www.gretainthebox.com
Joepa must do the Cenegenics
Like that old dude I see in the Skymall catalog.
by Cairo on Apr 2, 2010 2:33 PM CDT via mobile reply actions
How do those sour grapes taste BSDers?
Team Iomericwa*’s going to send you back into the infinite time loop hell that hockeybear created when he exploded space-time!! You will all be stuck watching the final seconds of The Fieldgoal ad infinitum and have to sit next to Sad Panda Nitty Fan®. TASTE OUR FURY!!
It's too early for football to be over, goddamit!!
A post-mortem of the amputated digit found conclusive evidence that Norm Parker does indeed have more talent in his pinky toe than certain coaches have in their entirety.
Northwestern.
And your mom.
Unproductive since August 21st, 2008.
by ReadingRambler on Apr 2, 2010 2:48 PM CDT up reply actions
Oh fuck you, you two clearly conspired to post that at the same time
Before you respond, let me remind you: Brian Cook called me smug, which makes me the Obama of smugness. I'm basically Smugbama.
PS: our AD has less scruples than your AD
Hi, I like money and not losing to Northwestern.
Unproductive since August 21st, 2008.
by ReadingRambler on Apr 2, 2010 2:51 PM CDT up reply actions
Uh hem,
I also have a habbit of losing to IOWA!
Damn, I wish I were a Hawkeye!
"The possibility of physical and mental collapse is now very real. No sympathy for the Devil, keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride." HST
Curley has never lost to Iowa.
Penn State would never lose to Iowa if Spanier would let Curley run all of the operations.
He also wouldn’t want to be a Hawkeye. You lose to Northwestern (I’m pretty sure that’s worse than losing to Iowa), but much more importantly, you have no tradition in women’s volleyball.
Unproductive since August 21st, 2008.
by ReadingRambler on Apr 2, 2010 3:00 PM CDT up reply actions
What you talkin' about Willis?
He has lost to IOWA by association! And yes, he does wish he was a Hawkeye!
Let me let you on on a little secret. You, as well, wish you were a Hawkeye.
"The possibility of physical and mental collapse is now very real. No sympathy for the Devil, keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride." HST
Curley prefers PSU because he's closer to the beautiful banks in New York which are filled with beautiful money.
Unproductive since August 21st, 2008.
by ReadingRambler on Apr 2, 2010 4:41 PM CDT up reply actions
Because you smell.
I love you guys, but I’m just being honest here.
Unproductive since August 21st, 2008.
by ReadingRambler on Apr 2, 2010 8:05 PM CDT up reply actions
That would be my ass-busting. Sorry.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Apr 2, 2010 8:49 PM CDT up reply actions
OK
Your AD wins. For his victory, he gets to write checks to Ed DeChellis for several more years and hire JayPa as new head football coach within the next half-century or whenever the back-up batteries run out on his dad.
I can see the Gadsden Purchase from my back yard.
Oh, man.
You think Ed actually gets paid? Pfft. We just give him some candy bars and maybe some tin if it rains or snows.
Unproductive since August 21st, 2008.
by ReadingRambler on Apr 2, 2010 4:41 PM CDT up reply actions
Curley's wife likes to pretend to lose to jNW just so a future doctor will shave her legs...
…and he just looks like a pederast.
I am the walrus.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Apr 2, 2010 3:37 PM CDT up reply actions
Fewer scruples.
/grammar asshole’d
"Do a flip!" - Bender B. Rodriguez
by Bucketochicken on Apr 2, 2010 3:42 PM CDT up reply actions
No, Rambler meant "less"...
…—the doctors at jNW couldn’t figure out what those red, irritated, puss filled growths on Curley’s cock were, so they just called em “scruples.”
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Apr 2, 2010 3:46 PM CDT up reply actions
As Bellanca said
Iowans actually use subjunctives and such…
Unproductive since August 21st, 2008.
by ReadingRambler on Apr 2, 2010 4:39 PM CDT up reply actions
MY MOTHER IS AN HONORABLE WOMAN!!
Dammit! Where’s naked-molerat-JoPa when you need him??!!
Also: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1R6K8i5rvo&feature=related
It's too early for football to be over, goddamit!!
A post-mortem of the amputated digit found conclusive evidence that Norm Parker does indeed have more talent in his pinky toe than certain coaches have in their entirety.
"What's up, Freedom Liberty Eagle?"...
Perfect name for the Stanzi/Leman 2012 mascot
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
I see a 5 point move by Metcalf coming on Hockeybear
_ They took the bar! The whole fucking bar!-John Blutosky Animal House)
by John Hartlieb is stiil a stud! on Apr 2, 2010 3:33 PM CDT reply actions
More specifically
“Coming on”. Would hate to have to wash HOCKEYBEAR’s fur after that.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Apr 2, 2010 4:59 PM CDT up reply actions
Is there a level past Batshit Insanity?
Because I’m pretty sure that with all the comments in this thread and the other ones, this has surpassed plain ol’ batshit insanity.
Master of the convoluted IOWA cheers!
by EnergizerHawk on Apr 2, 2010 7:06 PM CDT up reply actions
Batshit Insanity is fun, but it lacks the authoritative ring of something clinical like:
Demencia de guano.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Apr 2, 2010 7:49 PM CDT up reply actions
Or... ya know
chiroptera faex non compos mentis
Master of the convoluted IOWA cheers!
by EnergizerHawk on Apr 2, 2010 10:07 PM CDT up reply actions
This is the second seperate mention of beastiality in this thread...
I think that says it all
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
by ClaybornSmash on Apr 2, 2010 11:49 PM CDT up reply actions
" Arriving" just didn't sound right
_ They took the bar! The whole fucking bar!-John Blutosky Animal House)
by John Hartlieb is stiil a stud! on Apr 2, 2010 5:03 PM CDT reply actions
Wait... wait..WAIT, WAI-FUCKING-T!
HOLD the fucking horses! What the hell happened to Ace, AC and Claybo’Meara? I’m feeling out of the loop here! FIX IT! NOW! Or I’ll have to call in reinforcements to free Ace and AC from that psycho Claybo’Meara!
And by reinforcements, I mean, of course… Optimus Prime and his buddies. So… FIX IT!
Master of the convoluted IOWA cheers!
I think...
JoePa shot Claybo’Meara who was pretending to be Clayborne after receiving a call from KF after shooting Greenwood.
Maybe.
And … um … well, the real AC and Ace are going to bust out of Happy Valley after Daniel Murray comes and kicks open their cell door.
Maybe?
And here's a lighthouse keeper being beheaded by a laser beam!
I totally loved all of this
even though it was obviously fixed
"There are only three certainties in college football: all players will eventually leave, the ACC will be bad, and Joe Paterno ", Clay Travis, CNNsi Fanhouse
METCALF HA
Did you forget who coaches wrestling at PSU now
What was his record against Iowa (as a coach) at ISU?
Adrian Clayborn is strong enough to pull the ears off a Gundar
by The Bacon Explosion on Apr 5, 2010 10:18 AM CDT up reply actions
redact, redact!
"We just forgot our pants. Nothing against the team or anything like that." -- take a guess
It occured to me
over the weekend, that this isn’t over.
We’re missing one very important player, the puppet master. He’s been in the shadows, only making a cameo so far. KF is still out there.
It never gets to be easy
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