MARCHIFORNICATION ROUND 3: THE FERENTZ GAMBIT

Scene: the Jacobson Athletic Building. A young man runs down a hallway, terror in his eyes.

Icongreenwood_medium OMG OMG OMG OMG

Icongreenwood_medium please be there please be there

Icongreenwood_medium knock knock

Iconferentz_medium Come in.

Icongreenwood_medium (enters) Oh God, thank God you're here, Coach.

Iconferentz_medium What's wrong, Brett?

Icongreenwood_medium Well okay. It all started earlier this month when a bunch of people got this notice that they were in this contest. Like Ricky was in it, and Gary Barta, and so was Tyler Sash, and then some other people. And so once this contest started, everything started getting out of control because people wanted to win or something.

Iconferentz_medium How so?

Icongreenwood_medium Well, Ricky had to go to Korea to save these Korean pop singer girls, because Paki O'Meara kidnapped them, right, and then Adrian and Ace came along too, and there was this firefight in a dungeon, and that's how Ricky got shot.

Iconferentz_medium Go on...

Icongreenwood_medium Well, Paki got away in all the confusion, and Adrian and Ace were going to go find him, and apparently he's on the Penn State campus for some reason, but I'm not sure why, Adrian's cell phone service cut off and I can't get a hold of him. But then also there's the Coach Fran thing.

Iconferentz_medium What Coach Fran thing?

Icongreenwood_medium Well apparently he was just a Civil War villain's twin brother in a disguise because he wanted to kill Barta so he could get revenge against JoePa, but the Lickliters sorta killed Barta first, and so he killed the Lickliters for some reason, but then he got voted off anyway so I guess that means he's dead.

Iconferentz_medium Wait, what do you mean, "sort of killed Barta"?

Icongreenwood_medium They shipped him to Alaska, and he got eaten by a bear there.

Iconferentz_medium I see.

Icongreenwood_medium And so now JoePa has that very same bear and it knows how to fly planes with earth-destroying bombs, and he also has this super-dangerous Russian hitman that talks gibberish and then kills people. I don't know what they're up to, but they're probably going to get voted on in the finals, and all Ricky's got is himself!

Iconferentz_medium How's that?

Icongreenwood_medium Well Ricky can't get a hold of Adrian or Ace neither, and Ace always checks in by 9 pm! They might be in trouble, Coach, they really might!

Iconferentz_medium Okay. So what happens if Hockeybear and Trolololo Guy and JoePa and whoever else win the competition?

Icongreenwood_medium Then the Internet blows up the world.

Iconferentz_medium Hooooooo. Well then.

Icongreenwood_medium YEAH.

Iconferentz_medium That's dangerous information, Brett. You have to be careful who you trust with it.

Icongreenwood_medium Oh, I know, Coach!

Iconferentz_medium Have you told anybody else? Have you told the police

Icongreenwood_medium No, you're the first and only person I've told!

Iconferentz_medium Nobody else knows?

Icongreenwood_medium No!

Iconferentz_medium Good. (sits back)

Icongreenwood_medium Well... aren't you going to do something about it? You should call all the rest of the Hawkeyes and help Ricky win! Or you should call the President! Or the FBI! Or... aren't you going to do something???

Iconferentz_medium I am.

Iconferentz_medium (pulls out a revolver)

Icongreenwood_medium WAIT WHAT N

Gun_medium BANG

Icongreenwood_medium gehhhhhhhh

Iconferentz_medium Epic. Kirk.

Iconferentz_medium (picks up phone)

Iconphone45_medium BEEP BOOP BLOOP

Iconferentz_medium Mister Paterno.

Iconjoepa_medium THANK YOU

Iconferentz_medium We almost had ourselves an issue. Word got out about the plan

Iconjoepa_medium DO NOT TELL ME SUCH AWFUL THINGS

Iconjoepa_medium WE ARE ON THE PRECIPICE OF SUCCESS

Iconferentz_medium Problem is solved--this time. Don't let things get sloppy again.

Iconjoepa_medium THIS WILL BE HANDLED WITH THE SEVEREST OF CONSEQUENCES. NAME THE SOURCE THIS INSTANT, KIRKTHOLOMEW

Iconferentz_medium Adrian Clayborn. I repeat, Adrian Clayborn provided my now-deceased source with the information. He is not presently capable of transmitting more information, but we cannot risk another leak. And he is currently in State College. Do you know what he looks like?

Iconjoepa_medium OH, I'M AWARE

Iconjoepa_medium THANK YOU, YOUNG KIRK

Iconferentz_medium Holla.

Iconjoepa_medium ONE

In Happy Valley...

Iconjoepa_medium CONFOUND THIS AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU LOUTS

Iconjoepa_medium THE ENDGAME WAS ALMOST REVEALED

Iconjoepa_medium I WILL NOT HAVE MY PLANS DISRUPTED, NOT NOW

Iconjoepa_medium DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FUCKING BUSY I AM

Iconclaybomeara_medium Hey, my name's Adrian, and I

Iconjoepa_medium I AM SO GLAD TO SEE YOU, YOUNG MAN

Gun_medium BANG

Iconclaybomeara_medium gehhhhhhhhhh

Iconjoepa_medium NOW WHERE IS THAT DASTARDLY VILLAINOUS HEINOUS KRAUT RICKY STANZI

Iconjoepa_medium THIS ENDS RIGHT NOW

To be concluded... at the voting booth.

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