MARCHIFORNICATION BRACKET MADNESS PART 1: JOE PATERNO VS. CORNSHOE HAMMAKER
by Adam Jacobi on Mar 8, 2010 12:00 PM CST
in News
61 comments
SEED 2: JOE PATERNO
PROS
HANG ON JUST ONE SPANIARD'S MINUTE HERE
Yes, Mr. Paterno?
THANK YOU
I KNOW FULL WELL CORNSHOE'S MODUS OPERANDI HERE
HE LULLS YOU INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY, THEN HE USES HIS DRUID MAGIC TO TURN AN ORDINARY HOUSEHOLD OBJECT INTO A CIVIL WAR CANNON
AT WHICH POINT IT FIRES AND YOUR HEAD FLIES A GOOD 300 YARDS
Haha, yeah, I do that. Speaking of which, that microwave behind you, there's something you shou
SILENCE YOU KNAVE
BEFORE I TURN AROUND AND EAT MY OWN TEETH AT 4,000 MILES PER HOUR, I HAVE ONE QUESTION
Which is?
KNOCK KNOCK
A riddle! Well, who's there?
TROLO
Trolo whom?
TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO
BRAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKA
That crooning Soviet just mowed Cornshoe Hammaker down with an AK-47! He'll never ride again!
DOUBLE AGENT COMMUNIST SINGER MAN, I BELIEVE YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL THIS INFERNAL BLOG
EAT MY DUSTY GRANDPA FARTS, WORLD, THE JUNKIE COSMONAUT AND I ARE HEADED TO THE TITLE
Joe Paterno has advanced to the second round on disqualification (BHGP Marchifornication Rule 13.b, Section 4.a.1.4: no getting shot to death by the Soviets)!
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Damn sneaky Soviets.
This is all because too many of you voted against Putin.
RIP, Cornshoe.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Yup.
I warned them too.
FEAR PUTIN AND HIS FRIEND, THE CAPTAIN FROM THAT U-BOAT MOVIE WHO’S NOW ON 24
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 8, 2010 12:15 PM CST up reply actions
So I'm sitting in Torts right now...
and just lol’d fucking out loud out loud and went through the following exchange: “Mr. BBS, why are you laughing?” “I cccccan(laugh)’t tell you” “Why is that?” “5th Amendment.”
_________________
I'm Banana dammit!!!
by BurritoBrosShits on Mar 8, 2010 12:10 PM CST reply actions
I was apparently the only person in my torts class
juvenile enough to find “but for” causation hilarious. I think reading BHGP is a better excuse for laughing in class than the fact that the professor said “but for”. I always wanted to raise my hand and say, “for pooping, silly.”
by PurpleMonkeyDishwasher on Mar 8, 2010 2:21 PM CST up reply actions
I figured JoePa got a bye in the first round anyway...
…on account of the fact that Cornshoe was just one of his wacky press conference diversionary (?) stories.
Zombie Lincoln nods approvingly (…head falls off again…)
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 8, 2010 12:14 PM CST reply actions
Joe Pa in cahoots with a crooning bolshevik assassin?!?
I am frankly surprised and shocked to see Joe Pa resorting to pinko-ism in order to win. Even against a cannon-toting secessionist druid like C.H.
(M. Night Shyamalan) What a twist!
Brunettes not fighter jets
This is the second time today this site has driven me to post "Wow".
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
This site make a person say wow more than this guy
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 8, 2010 12:18 PM CST up reply actions
This site does not punch as many hookers, though.
by The Mexican't on Mar 8, 2010 1:30 PM CST up reply actions
That is NOT a person...
…he is clearly one of the reptilian overlords…
…and he’s holding up the Towelie prototype (Have you ever been too dry? I mean really, really dry?).
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 8, 2010 2:55 PM CST up reply actions
Towelie?
Do you wanna get hiiiiiiiigh?
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 8, 2010 3:00 PM CST up reply actions
"I have no idea what's goin on right now..."
‘’’…that was my last J, asshole…"
“…that’s it… that’s the melody to ‘Funky Town’… won’t you take me down, to funky town…”
….hmmmmmm, sounds like a reptilian overlord plot if I’ve ever heard one (and I have).
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 8, 2010 3:09 PM CST up reply actions
My only hope...
is that Ricky Stanzi avenges my death by beating JoePa (again) and ending the communist menace with an overwhelming display of freedom.
And by the way, if you’ll recall, I was actually in cahoots with Lincoln against the South.
Yee-Haw! I ride again!
by Cornshoe Hammaker on Mar 8, 2010 12:19 PM CST reply actions
You shot Lincoln, you son of a bitch!
And Burnside too. He was a quality corps commander, jerk.
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 8, 2010 12:28 PM CST up reply actions
An Ak-47 is not fitting....
Trolololololo man appreciates the the subtlety of and RPG-7.
_________________
I'm Banana dammit!!!
by BurritoBrosShits on Mar 8, 2010 12:21 PM CST reply actions
Personally
I see Trolololololo man carrying a lightweight but accurate ACR w/ Grenade launcher.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 8, 2010 12:29 PM CST up reply actions
I think he's a Nagant M1895 man to me.
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 8, 2010 12:37 PM CST up reply actions
sentence phrasing fail
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 8, 2010 12:38 PM CST up reply actions
What the fuck?
1. Am I the only guy here who is not a lawyer or one in training?
2. Why have we not talked about the PPSh-41? Damn thing was a chainsaw. Ask a Wehrmacht survivor of the Eastern Front, if you can find one.
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Mar 8, 2010 3:27 PM CST up reply actions
The PPSh-41 was good for emptying its magazine and maybe hitting the enemy if you were lucky.
Besides, wouldn’t it be hard to store that thing in your suit.
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 8, 2010 4:41 PM CST up reply actions
Nope.
I’m not a L.I.T.
I am, however, a T.I.T.
"Do a flip!" - Bender B. Rodriguez
by Bucketochicken on Mar 8, 2010 8:15 PM CST up reply actions
That's just what Frank Stalinatra gave him, guys.
I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks
Everyone knows that you don't turn your back on Sinatra...
…but few know that, on the flipside, you don’t turn your front on Stalinatra (The Gulag Gambino).
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 8, 2010 3:16 PM CST up reply actions
I just saw that Trolololo guy for the first time last week.
That is some serious fncking mixed genres. Its like Soviet “Paint Your Wagon” trippy shit.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
You know, I’m starting to think there are no ethics to this goddamned tournament and you’re just making shit up.
What I want to know is why OOPS changed his handle...
I want to change mine, but can’t find a setting… this is just too turdy stupid of a handle.
My blog: http://www.gretainthebox.com
Jacobi explained it a week (ish) ago
He’s working for the SBN mothership now. They prefer that the author use their real name. I imagine they simply tweaked his account internally, and it wasn’t anything that is possible without the help of an SBN administrator.
by The Mexican't on Mar 8, 2010 2:58 PM CST up reply actions
Changing your name...
I’d suggest going through the “Contact Us” link at the bottom of the page.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
WIN!
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 9, 2010 11:08 AM CST up reply actions
This was once the working title
of Discovery Health’s “I didn’t know I was pregnant”
by IPeeBlackAndGold on Mar 9, 2010 2:54 PM CST up reply actions
I think the administrators can change your "handle" for you (sorry, not trying to be a "dick", but it looked dirty until I added the quotation marks)...
…that being said, you should change your name to Oops Pow Surprise so that randomly you and AJax can get into a Yer Mom diss contest in the middle of a thread about Iowa Rowing thus totally confusing the majority of the BHGP readership. It’d be like that Boise State fan who came on here and started arguing with himself.
I was gonna say more, but it looks like a lot of helpful citizens have chimed in about the name change.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 8, 2010 3:05 PM CST up reply actions
It’d be like that Penn State fan who came on here and started arguing with himself to drive up his post count.
FIXED.
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 8, 2010 3:07 PM CST up reply actions
Does he still get credit for those posts in his post count after they got deleted?
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Unofficially yes!
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
by ReadingRambler on Mar 8, 2010 4:42 PM CST up reply actions
If I knew how to change peoples' handles, I would have done it about 20 times by now
Isn’t that right, HMFR Lisa Bluder’s Carpet Ride?
I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks
I still kinda want mine to be Brennan Cougill's Mom
In reference to that one time someone called me that because i said something vaguely positive about him.
I like it
Speaking of abuse of power, can I hold the banhammer? For like one day?
No self-respecting man from Iowa goes anywhere without beer
by Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride on Mar 8, 2010 8:50 PM CST up reply actions
That sounds reasonable.
While you’re at it, ban the following:
The Duez Canal
Paul Kujawa vs. Sandpeople
Larry Station to Station
Dan of Green Gables
Paul Burmeister, Making Copies
Gary Dolphin-Free Tuna
Gary Sue Coleman
and any other handle I almost went with but didn’t pick.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 9, 2010 3:36 AM CST up reply actions
Hmm.
Paul Kujawa vs. Sandpeople
Win!
Gary Dolphin-Free Tuna
All kinds of win.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
For me, the juxtaposition of
AND
is just too good.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 9, 2010 11:11 AM CST up reply actions
I'm shocked.
Shocked, I say, by this turn of events. Who knew JoePa was aware enough of his surroundings to preemptively strike Cornshoe. And who knew that he’d ally himself with a Russian. Dastardly, indeed.
It never gets to be easy
In all fairness he immediately killed the Russian...
…all Wayne Brady style.
JoePa: (breaks Russian neck) Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 9, 2010 9:59 AM CST up reply actions
This being my first one of these tournaments,
I’m not shocked at all. In fact, I expected nothing less than fascinating disqualifications, random technical er, um issues, and contestant misbehavior. It was in fact becoming a bit worrysome that so much orderly voting was going on. I am encouraged.
Marchifornication Commissioner: Jack Tunney.
Twitter: @scrappled
"When it’s third-and-10, you can take the milk drinkers and I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time" - Max McGee
by Run Up The Score on Mar 8, 2010 8:48 PM CST up reply actions
He'll lay down the law.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
You just can't trust a man who wears a double-breasted suit.
Everyone fails. The successful learn from their failures. I just wish we'd quit giving ourselves so many learning opportunities.
by WhiteSpeedReceiver on Mar 8, 2010 9:32 PM CST reply actions
I think you could control small children and the weak minded
with Trololololo guy. That is some of the scariest shit I have seen in a long time.
"Well of course, there's nothing better than being American!!!" - Ricky Americanzi, Jan. 5th, 2010
by The Bacon Explosion on Mar 9, 2010 9:49 AM CST reply actions
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