Okay, team, gather around. I know it's been a rough season, and I know it's hard to get up for games these days knowing that we don't really have a postseason to play for.

 A fate quite unbecoming of the reigning Mr. Basketball.

 But here's the thing. This is our last regular season game. This is a big deal. We need to send this thing off with a BANG!

 So I brought in a guy who knows a thing or two about overcoming adversity and finishing seasons strong...

 Is it a current NBA player who we can use as a ringer?

 ...and who knows a thing or two about Iowa Hawkeye sports. 

 Guess that answers that question.

 All of which is to say, I've brought in Norm Parker to address you guys.

What

 Yeah, wait, what now? I'm not sure it's a good idea to even have him address house plants.

 Have you ever actually heard Norm give a speech, Coach?

 Well, the Iowa defense is good, so he must be a master at communicating the

HEY, HEY, HEY, CHUMS AND CHUMMETTES

 Fffffuuuuuck.

 SOUNDS LIKE YOU GUYS ARE HAVING SOME SPORTIN' TROUBLES. WELL, UNCLE NORM'S THE RIGHT MAN FOR THE JOB HERE

 SORRY I'M LATE, BUT ME AND THE MISSUS WERE PAINTING THE DOGS AGAIN

 ANYHOW, BASEBALL'S A LOT LIKE FOOTBALL

 We play basketball, sir.

 NANCYBALL, EH

 BACK ABOUT FORTY YEARS AGO, I WAS BALLS DEEP IN MY TOUR IN NAM

 (whispering) He went to Vietnam?

 (whispering) No, but I want to see where he's going with this.

 AND I'M WADING THROUGH THIS RICE PADDY, I LOOK OVER, LO AND BEHOLD IT'S WILT CHAMBERLAIN HIMSELF

 AND I SAYS WILT, WHAT'S YOUR SECRET, WILT, FOR BEING ALL GOOD AT YOUR SPORT

 HE TELLS ME, "NORM, IT'S SIMPLE. YOU GOTTA BE BORN 7'2" AND FREAKISHLY ATHLETIC, BUT ALSO..."

 THIS IS WHAT HE SAYS

 HE SAYS "ALSO, FIND YOUR ONE TRUE LADY AND STICK BY HER SIDE NO MATTER WHAT"

 Wait, hang on. Didn't he claim to have sex with like 10,000 women?

 Yeah, and didn't he never go to Vietnam?

 BEATS THE HELL OUT OF ME

 SO WHICH ONE OF YOU GUYS IS THE SAM BACKER

 We're not linebackers. We don't play football. This is basketball.

 WEIRD

 I GOTTA TELL YA, HAVE YOU EVER SLATHERED A RIBEYE IN CAKE FROSTING, I MEAN JUST COATED THE FUCKER IN A HALF INCH OF THE STUFF, AND TRIED TO EAT IT IN UNDER A MINUTE

Yeah.

 I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE ON ACCOUNT OF THE DIABETES, SO I USUALLY WHIP ONE UP AND JUST FEED IT TO THE DOG THESE DAYS

 DRIVES MY WIFE CRAZY, BUT THE DOG LOVES IT

 Guys, I think Norm is tired. Maybe that's it for his speech today.

 HANG ON THERE, MORTIMER, I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO TELL THESE KIDS

 I REALIZE FROM READING THE PAPER EVERY NOW AND THEN THAT YOU GUYS ARE DOGSHIT TERRIBLE

 AND I MEAN ESPECIALLY TERRIBLE DOG SHIT, THAT FROSTING STEAK IS HELL ON OL' RUTHIE'S INTESTINAL TRACT

 BUT THIS IS AN IMPORTANT GAME, SO I NEED ALL OF YOU TO PUT ON YOUR PIRATE HATS AND GO OUT THERE AND STICK SOMEONE RIGHT BETWEEN THE NUMBERS UNTIL THEY DON'T WANT TO GO OVER THE MIDDLE ANYMORE

 We can't do that! This is basketball!

 WHATEVER, ME AND THE LADY ARE GOING TO GO HUNT STALE JUGS OF MILK ON OUR ACREAGE

 THEY DON'T MOVE MUCH, BUT THE KILLSHOT'S ALWAYS WORTH IT 

 Okay, I'm just going to pretend this is over now. Thanks, Coach.

 YOU'RE WELCOME. NOW WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T LOSE BY 35 POINTS. IT WOULD BRING UNTOLD SHAME TO THE ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT

 /wheels out

 Uh... so... who's ready to play basketball?

 (dumbfounded silence)

EPILOGUE

 /loses by 35 points