Norm Parker Addresses The Iowa Basketball Team

Licklitericon_medium Okay, team, gather around. I know it's been a rough season, and I know it's hard to get up for games these days knowing that we don't really have a postseason to play for.

Iconbrennan_medium A fate quite unbecoming of the reigning Mr. Basketball.

Licklitericon_medium But here's the thing. This is our last regular season game. This is a big deal. We need to send this thing off with a BANG!

Licklitericon_medium So I brought in a guy who knows a thing or two about overcoming adversity and finishing seasons strong...

Iconliljon_medium Is it a current NBA player who we can use as a ringer?

Licklitericon_medium ...and who knows a thing or two about Iowa Hawkeye sports. 

Icongatens_medium Guess that answers that question.

Licklitericon_medium All of which is to say, I've brought in Norm Parker to address you guys.

Iconliljon_medium What

Icongatens_medium Yeah, wait, what now? I'm not sure it's a good idea to even have him address house plants.

Iconbrennan_medium Have you ever actually heard Norm give a speech, Coach?

Licklitericon_medium Well, the Iowa defense is good, so he must be a master at communicating the

Iconnorm_medium HEY, HEY, HEY, CHUMS AND CHUMMETTES

Iconliljon_medium Fffffuuuuuck.

Iconnorm_medium SOUNDS LIKE YOU GUYS ARE HAVING SOME SPORTIN' TROUBLES. WELL, UNCLE NORM'S THE RIGHT MAN FOR THE JOB HERE

Iconnorm_medium SORRY I'M LATE, BUT ME AND THE MISSUS WERE PAINTING THE DOGS AGAIN

Iconnorm_medium ANYHOW, BASEBALL'S A LOT LIKE FOOTBALL

Icongatens_medium We play basketball, sir.

Iconnorm_medium NANCYBALL, EH

Iconnorm_medium BACK ABOUT FORTY YEARS AGO, I WAS BALLS DEEP IN MY TOUR IN NAM

Iconliljon_medium (whispering) He went to Vietnam?

Icongatens_medium (whispering) No, but I want to see where he's going with this.

Iconnorm_medium AND I'M WADING THROUGH THIS RICE PADDY, I LOOK OVER, LO AND BEHOLD IT'S WILT CHAMBERLAIN HIMSELF

Iconnorm_medium AND I SAYS WILT, WHAT'S YOUR SECRET, WILT, FOR BEING ALL GOOD AT YOUR SPORT

Iconnorm_medium HE TELLS ME, "NORM, IT'S SIMPLE. YOU GOTTA BE BORN 7'2" AND FREAKISHLY ATHLETIC, BUT ALSO..."

Iconnorm_medium THIS IS WHAT HE SAYS

Iconnorm_medium HE SAYS "ALSO, FIND YOUR ONE TRUE LADY AND STICK BY HER SIDE NO MATTER WHAT"

Iconbrennan_medium Wait, hang on. Didn't he claim to have sex with like 10,000 women?

Licklitericon_medium Yeah, and didn't he never go to Vietnam?

Iconnorm_medium BEATS THE HELL OUT OF ME

Iconnorm_medium SO WHICH ONE OF YOU GUYS IS THE SAM BACKER

Icongatens_medium We're not linebackers. We don't play football. This is basketball.

Iconnorm_medium WEIRD

Iconnorm_medium I GOTTA TELL YA, HAVE YOU EVER SLATHERED A RIBEYE IN CAKE FROSTING, I MEAN JUST COATED THE FUCKER IN A HALF INCH OF THE STUFF, AND TRIED TO EAT IT IN UNDER A MINUTE

Iconbrennan_medium Yeah.

Iconnorm_medium I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE ON ACCOUNT OF THE DIABETES, SO I USUALLY WHIP ONE UP AND JUST FEED IT TO THE DOG THESE DAYS

Iconnorm_medium DRIVES MY WIFE CRAZY, BUT THE DOG LOVES IT

Licklitericon_medium Guys, I think Norm is tired. Maybe that's it for his speech today.

Iconnorm_medium HANG ON THERE, MORTIMER, I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO TELL THESE KIDS

Iconnorm_medium I REALIZE FROM READING THE PAPER EVERY NOW AND THEN THAT YOU GUYS ARE DOGSHIT TERRIBLE

Iconnorm_medium AND I MEAN ESPECIALLY TERRIBLE DOG SHIT, THAT FROSTING STEAK IS HELL ON OL' RUTHIE'S INTESTINAL TRACT

Iconnorm_medium BUT THIS IS AN IMPORTANT GAME, SO I NEED ALL OF YOU TO PUT ON YOUR PIRATE HATS AND GO OUT THERE AND STICK SOMEONE RIGHT BETWEEN THE NUMBERS UNTIL THEY DON'T WANT TO GO OVER THE MIDDLE ANYMORE

Licklitericon_medium We can't do that! This is basketball!

Iconnorm_medium WHATEVER, ME AND THE LADY ARE GOING TO GO HUNT STALE JUGS OF MILK ON OUR ACREAGE

Iconnorm_medium THEY DON'T MOVE MUCH, BUT THE KILLSHOT'S ALWAYS WORTH IT 

Licklitericon_medium Okay, I'm just going to pretend this is over now. Thanks, Coach.

Iconnorm_medium YOU'RE WELCOME. NOW WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T LOSE BY 35 POINTS. IT WOULD BRING UNTOLD SHAME TO THE ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT

Iconnorm_medium /wheels out

Licklitericon_medium Uh... so... who's ready to play basketball?

Iconbrennan_mediumIcongatens_mediumIconliljon_medium (dumbfounded silence)

EPILOGUE

Licklitericon_medium /loses by 35 points 

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