Devan Bawinkel Is The World's Greatest Trillionaire
by Adam Jacobi on Mar 4, 2010 8:00 AM CST
in Iowa Hawkeyes Basketball
43 comments
There was absolutely nothing good to say about last night's game between the Hawkeyes and Badgers--suffice it to say, John Bohnenkamp's grades of straight Fs were entirely warranted--but there was one thing in the box score that stood out to us:
That's right, the extremely rare 12 trillion. That means Devan Bawinkel was on the floor for 30% of the entire game and accomplished not one thing of statistical note--not even a foul or a turnover.
This may seem like a momentous accomplishment, and in its own way it certainly is, but it's hardly something to be proud of, even for the Club Trillion founder, Mark Titus. Here's what he had to say about the upper reaches of trillion acceptability:
The reason a five trillion is actually worse than a four trillion is because there has to be a point in which the player is no longer playing the role of benchwarmer soaking up the scrub time, but is instead playing the role of "guy who could make his way into the rotation if he didn’t choose to do absolutely nothing with his opportunity". Someone who is playing five minutes in a game and isn’t doing anything of importance is basically just wasting everyone’s time. The fact that they’ve managed to get more than four minutes means that they shouldn’t be treated as a scrub for that particular game, because scrub time officially starts with four minutes left and a 20 point lead. As such, because they haven’t been dubbed a "scrub" ("dub a scrub" is a fun phrase) they have an obligation to entertain the crowd with their play instead of trying to be inefficient by getting a trillion. When scrubs get trillions, it’s riveting stuff. When guys playing five or more minutes get trillions, it’s borderline depressing.
Yeah. 5 is unacceptable, and Bawinkel ripped off a 12. We don't have the resources to properly investigate whether this is the largest trillion in college basketball history, so we'll just go ahead and declare it the world's greatest until proven wrong.
[Quick addendum: As commenter James Mouton--not the real one--reminds us, Devan Bawinkel is a co-captain. Way to lead by example there, guy!]
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First off, I never knew what a Trillion was (until now)...
…second, every time someone said JBo last night all I could think of was the Big Ten Championships this weekend and how OUR JayBo is gonna tear everyone up (including anyone from Wisconsin).
If you can’t win… change the subject.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 4, 2010 8:09 AM CST reply actions
Wow
Never thought about this before… two J(ay)Bo’s in Big Ten winter sports from the same high school, and I believe the same class. Said high school’s district also happens to be my employer.
by shada's revenge on Mar 4, 2010 10:30 PM CST up reply actions
Hmmm....
I wonder if we got some stats for Darko Miličić in the NBA. Maybe he would make more trillions than Devan….
Nah.
Darko stinks, but he actually does things (or attempts to do things, at least) when he’s on the court. He’s not completely ineffectual when he’s out there.
A 12 trillion is, frankly, stupefying. He was on the court for over a quarter of the game and did literally nothing of statistical note. He didn’t hoist up a three (literally the only reason he’s in there to begin with), didn’t reach in and cause a foul, didn’t just happen to be in the right place to get a caroming rebound… nothing. In a perverse way, it’s kind of impressive.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Lil' John was damn close to his own five trillion
Had he not turned that one ball over, his and Bawinkle’s deficit would have exceeded such countries at Nigeria and Luxembourg.
Iowa Basketball
….
!!!!
"I know you're from Middle America, and sometimes you feel like you're representing more than just a school or a conference, maybe an entire group of American citizens out there."
by Twin Cities Hawk on Mar 4, 2010 8:18 AM CST reply actions
There is a way...to have victory in defeat
Okay, I am convinced…we are completely outmatched in these Big Ten games and the opposition merely sees us as a speed bump in their schedule on the way to bigger and better things. There are moral victories and then there are Fuck you, we’re Iowa! victories. Let’s do this…let’s fucking burn down the house against Minnesota on Saturday. Let’s have Brommer go out and make those 5 fouls in 2:20 really count. He needs to rip the leading scorer’s face off, undercut the leading rebounder into a knee brace. Make it so that in winning, because we all know Minnesota is going to win this game, the Gophers wish they had never played us. It is our only path to any kind of victory or relevance under TL. This is a proven tactic too; the Fins did this against the Russian Army in 1809.
When the much larger and better-trained Red Army was marching toward Oslo during a vicious war with the Swedes, they naturally had to go through Finland. The Russians decided that as long as they were passing through they might as well occupy the capital city, Helsinki, and rob it of it resources. As the Russians were closing in on the Fins made a halfhearted effort at stopping them. But it became very apparent they were very much outmatched, so the Fins decided if THEY could not have Helsinki then the Russians could not either, so they burned their own town to the ground. The Russians, in shock and unsettled by the Fins extraordinary actions, quickly realized these were not people to be fucked with, so they quickly moved on. Victory, Finland.
Helsinki was gradually replaced with a new town designed by German architect Carl Ludwig Engel, who gave the city its neoclassical Helsinki Cathedral centerpiece. So it all worked out.
Oh, and by the way, I think we can all agree that Todd Lickliter is probably not our Carl Ludwig Engel.
"I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later." M.H.
'Scorched-earth" basketball.
I like the concept.
Granted, I don't know what down it is..
We are -- CLAPCLAPCLAP -- Fin-land!
Are you thinking fights during warm-up, a la “Slapshot?” I’d totally be on board with that.
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Mar 4, 2010 10:22 AM CST up reply actions
HERE HERE!!!
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 4, 2010 11:44 AM CST up reply actions
we could get them Kung Foo lessons
TL’s new team motto “We may defeat you, but our you will bleed”
"Well of course, there's nothing better than being American!!!" - Ricky Americanzi, Jan. 5th, 2010
by The Bacon Explosion on Mar 4, 2010 12:07 PM CST up reply actions
Fail
“We may not defeat you but you will bleed” flows better.
PS – don’t try to read your email and post here at the same time.
"Well of course, there's nothing better than being American!!!" - Ricky Americanzi, Jan. 5th, 2010
by The Bacon Explosion on Mar 4, 2010 12:08 PM CST up reply actions
Jesus
SMA is actually Keyser Soze.
"Well of course, there's nothing better than being American!!!" - Ricky Americanzi, Jan. 5th, 2010
by The Bacon Explosion on Mar 4, 2010 11:59 AM CST up reply actions
I don't get the metaphor
You want our players to injure each other, i.e. burn down their own town? If you mean they should deliberately injure Minnesota players then I hope you’re just kidding.
by Brock Sampson on Mar 4, 2010 1:18 PM CST up reply actions
"You want our players to injure each other, i.e. burn down their own town?"
It’s just crazy enough to work!
I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks
Kidding? I've lost my sense of humour in a haze of 40 point games and a 20+ loss season...
so of course I mean burn down the place. The place is the game…any game where we are included that is. We need to make it so the opposition would rather forfeit than even play us. It’s our only hope. Then let’s have some Finlandia and watch Orange Bowl highlights!
"I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later." M.H.
I'd take it a step further
and suggest Lick make a quick recruiting trip to Ft. Madison before the last game. I want to see a youtube clip of him standing on the tigerhawk at center court, arms outstretched screaming “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?” while bloody chaos reigns all around him.
In 100 years, we'll all be dead.
A 12 and 14 zeros
would be 1.2 quadrillion.
Which should really be grounds for just picking a random person from a field house pick up game to take his place.
In 100 years, we'll all be dead.
The 3-point numbers aren't typically included in the "trillion"
If you shoot no field goals, after all, it stands to reason that you shot no threes.
I got more rhymes than Wade Lookingbill's got dunks
If you say so
still, anything above 9 tril should at least rate replacement by a somewhat carefully chosen field house pick up player.
In 100 years, we'll all be dead.
Maybe this was intentional
perhaps Bawinkle realized after 6 or 7 minutes of nothing, that he had a chance to set a record, sort of along the lines of "fuck it – this is one of my last games, so I’m going to at least set a record in something, or “nothing” as the case may be."
by HeroPatriotStanzi on Mar 4, 2010 9:58 AM CST reply actions
Isn't he already in the process
of setting a record with the whole “No two point field goals” thing?
He is a role player/one trick pony on a team with no lead characters.
"Well of course, there's nothing better than being American!!!" - Ricky Americanzi, Jan. 5th, 2010
by The Bacon Explosion on Mar 4, 2010 12:03 PM CST up reply actions
Last night he was a no-trick pony.
If your raison d’etre is to shoot and you spend twelve minutes in the game and don’t hoist up one single shot… WTF are you doing out there? Jogging around a bit?
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
he would have to be actively avoiding people
To jog around for 12 minutes and not get called for 3 seconds, accidentally get in someone’s way for a moving screen or a push off foul would show intent in a court of law.
Hell at minute 11 someone should have told him to throw the ball out of bounds – it’s not like it was going to impact the final score.
"Well of course, there's nothing better than being American!!!" - Ricky Americanzi, Jan. 5th, 2010
by The Bacon Explosion on Mar 4, 2010 12:15 PM CST up reply actions
He has no "official" two point attempts
but he did attempt a layup (vs. Minnesota I think) on which he was fouled, and proceeded to miss both free throws. So maybe in his book his “no two pointers” record is invalid.
Or maybe he’s just greedy and wanted multiple record opportunities.
by HeroPatriotStanzi on Mar 4, 2010 2:46 PM CST up reply actions
I believe he attempted a lay-up against Indiana sunday and got fouled as well.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 4, 2010 3:07 PM CST up reply actions
He's like the First United States Army Group.
Just the very thought of him existing is enough to disrupt the plans of an opponent.
"It’s just that, reading through this thread, it appears you’re getting your ass kicked." -jtothep
What are the chances ...
that two pick up players could offer more than Bawinkle and Lil John? Pretty good, I’d say.
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Mar 4, 2010 10:24 AM CST reply actions
Why didn't TL just give Brommer the green light to clothesline Bohanon?
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
In other news from the Stats That Make You Go WTF Dept:
A poster on the Rivals board pointed out something about The Sioux City Journal’s favorite son and his shooting habits.
Of his last 20 shots, 19 (!) have been three-point attempts. The lone non-three pointer was his shot last night which got blocked.
Prior to that 20-shot stretch, he’d attempted 49 two-point shots and 31three-point shots.
He was 5/17 from three-point range for his ENTIRE HIGH SCHOOL CAREER.
To be fair, The Dessert Fox has certainly shown the capacity to make threes and I’m not trying to argue that he should never take them… but making them his exclusive shot is asinine. He’s basically turned into a slower, fatter Bawinkel out there on offense, which is not what we need.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
It is a sad commentary on the state of Iowa Basketball
When this is he highlight of the entire season. Nonetheless, I am reluctantly impressed with the 12 trillion
"I shoot, I score. He shoots, I score." - Dan Gable
Bad? No. The worst!
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Mar 4, 2010 3:00 PM CST up reply actions
According to Hawkeyelounge.com statistician HawkLax6
The 12 trillion by Winks is the longest by a Big Ten player this season by five minutes.
It is tied for the second-longest by any Division I player this season. Jeff Georgatos of Harvard had a 13 trillion earlier this season against Princeton.
Since 1996-97, the longest by any Hawkeye is 12 trillion. Winks has now done it twice in his career (also 1/24/2009 vs. Penn State). The other Hawkeye to accomplish this is Kurt Spurgeon on 1/10/2004 against Northwestern.
Since 1996-97, the longest by any Big Ten player is 14 trillion by Nate Pomeday of Northwestern on 1/17/1998 against Wisconsin.
Since 1996-97, the longest by any Division I player is a 31 trillion (!) by Elvis Robinson of Mississippi Valley State on 1/3/2001 against Arkansas-Pine Bluff.
That takes dedication.
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 4, 2010 3:08 PM CST up reply actions
That's hard work.
I think you have to be running away from the ball (and the other team) at all times.
I’m glad Winks isn’t leaving the record books empty before he departs Iowa, though. Not one, but TWO 12 trillions? Excuse me, it just got a little dusty in here…
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
I refuse to believe
that you could get any trillion greater than 10 trillion without trying.
There has to have been an active effort at that point.
Forget the 12 trillion
Brommer played 9 minutes and committed ZERO fouls!
That has to be a personal best (or worst), right?
by HeroPatriotStanzi on Mar 4, 2010 5:12 PM CST reply actions
16 Trillion posted in Dayton
Paul Williams played 16 mins with no contribution for UD on their senior night.
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