MARCHIFORNICATION ROUND 2: JOE PATERNO VS. GARY BARTA
by Adam Jacobi on Mar 30, 2010 12:00 PM CDT
in Iowa Hawkeyes Game Threads
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PrintScene: A spacious office with cardboard boxes everywhere. A middle-aged man and his son forlornly pack things away.
So you're not going to go to the press and tell them about how you got railroaded out of town, Dad?
Look. I know it would be superficially rewarding to get in front of as many cameras and tell people that I had to face the Big Ten with an arena that was just where a meteor hit a cemetery and my developmentally stunted son as the backup point guard and so where the hell was I actually going to find room to win any games.
I'm a late bloomer, Dad! It's your fault! You said you didn't even shave until you were 30!
You didn't see me playing in the Big Ten either. Look, point is, that might feel good for a bit, but that's life. Nothing ever goes as well as you hope, except for when you get to face Tim Brewster in football. It's just a fact of life, and the quicker you accept that, the more mature and...
(barges in) ...office is over here, Fran, and I'm sure that Lickliter's gone by nnnnn... oh boy.
...well-adjusted... you'll...
...
(brains Barta with a picture frame)
I saw nothing. (turns around, walks away whistling)
But Dad, you just said...
Shut up and help me pack him into this shipping crate before he comes to. Mr. Barta's going to go on a little vacation.
Ha ha ha, awesome! You're the best Dad ever!
Yep. I think we're all done here.
(knocks) Hey, sorry for coming back. Is he... d-d-d... dead?
No, but we're going to ship him off to Fairbanks, Alaska so nobody can vote for him.
Good call. There's nothing in Fairbanks, Alaska.
Nope. I think we're all set, so good luck here, Fran. I know you'll do well with these guys.
I really appreciate it, Todd. Oh hey--you almost forgot a couple pictures behind you.
Oh, thanks. Wait--these aren't pictures at all...
(whips off disguise)
...these are Civil War cannons!
BOOMS
(heads fly off)
YEEEEEEE-HAW! Franshoe Hammaker can now avenge you, brother! And I've also indiscriminately killed my allies in your honor!
Well, that spiraled totally out of control. So, um, since Barta is Alaska-bound and the Lickliters just got fired, I think we've really only got one possible vote here. Wait, is JoePa still alive?
YES, ALTHOUGH I HAVE THE MOST TERRIFIC HEADACHE ON ACCOUNT OF MY SEAGRAMS AND METAMUCIL FROM THREE WEEKS AGO
ALSO I SOLD MY PANTS FOR A CAT THAT RAN AWAY
HERE CAT CAT CAT
That'll do. Let's vote.
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I like today.
"Do a flip!" - Bender B. Rodriguez
by Bucketochicken on Mar 30, 2010 12:05 PM CDT reply actions
I don't even know what's happening anymore
And yet I love it all the same.
Those damn Lickliters.
They just ruined my Final 4. Now I gotta go with JoePa for now.
HOCKEYBEAR, BRING BLOODPUNCH BACK!!!!!!!
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 30, 2010 12:23 PM CDT reply actions
The great irony here...
(other than my improbable return), is that I am distantly related to Margaret and actually see her and Fran about once a year. No one was more excited than me to see him get the job. For once, I won’t be mourning the end of football season.
Oh yeah, could somebody please put the breaks on JoePa and that Commie bastard Trololo for us please? Ricky? How about an Avengers-style team-up featuring Ricky, J, Adrian, Ace, and Margaret against Paki, JoePa, Trololo and Brewster?
Yee-Haw! I ride again!
by Cornshoe Hammaker on Mar 30, 2010 12:29 PM CDT reply actions
Avengers, huh?
If using the original line-up (post-Hulk, obv.) Ricky is clearly Captain America. J would have to be Thor (long, flowing locks), Margaret (by default) is Wasp but that leaves Ace and Adrian to fill out the roles of Iron Man and Ant Man. Hmm…, don’t know if either really works. You can now all claw your eyes out after slogging through that.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 30, 2010 1:24 PM CDT up reply actions
Dude.
Clayborn is clearly the Hulk. Although that might put Ace in the Rick Jones role. Hmm.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
The problem with that scenario
is that Hulk was replaced by Cap. You really want AC as Hulk so badly that you’d make Ricky forfeit his rightful place as Captain America? I thought not.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 30, 2010 1:35 PM CDT up reply actions
Hmm.
Maybe HOCKEYBEAR is the Hulk; he’s a wildcard, sometimes teaming with you against a greater threat, sometimes trying to tear your limbs off for looking at him funny.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
I think the problem is
we’re trying to force the Avengers model (and we all know how much I hate comic books) on our BHGP Supergroup.
I have a model that is slightly more apropos:
Problem solved.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 30, 2010 1:45 PM CDT up reply actions
I love it when a plan comes together.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 30, 2010 3:00 PM CDT up reply actions
The A-Team movie comes out this summer.
Any word if Ricky is in it?
Who's leg do I have to hump to get a drink around here?-Brian
They asked.
He was too busy defending our liberty and fighting for our freedom.
Well, that and getting ready for football season and lining up for the next Twilight movie… he’s gotta prioritize.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Ugggghhhhhh. Yuk.
Could someone please blow up youtube so Hollywood producers can stop watching re-runs to get their movie “ideas.”
Three’s Company The Movie
Supertrain The Movie
Alice The Movie
Chico and The Man The Movie
Eight Is Enough The Movie (They would have to sequel up to #9 just to prove the title wrong)
Trapper John M.D. The Movie
T.J. Hooker The Movie
Hot L Baltimore The Movie (actually, I’d probably watch that one)
Maude The Movie
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 31, 2010 2:10 PM CDT up reply actions
Um, Alice the Movie
already happened. It was called “Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore” and then was made into the eponymously-titled show that was set at Mel’s Diner.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 31, 2010 2:27 PM CDT up reply actions
and strangely enough had little to do with the movie
Adrian Clayborn can pull the ears off a Gundar
by The Bacon Explosion on Mar 31, 2010 2:32 PM CDT up reply actions
Not that strange
considering it would have made for a downer of a sitcom.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 31, 2010 2:33 PM CDT up reply actions
You can't tell me that the 8 is enough movie doesn't peak your interest.
Don’t you want to know what that little helmet headed, denture wearing kid is up too?
Who's leg do I have to hump to get a drink around here?-Brian
I would rather watch a Perfect Strangers movie.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 31, 2010 3:20 PM CDT up reply actions
Balki Bartakomuos (sp?)
FTW!!
"You don't become a Hawkeye fan, You're born with Black and Gold in your veins." - Me
by BStylin Hawkye on Mar 31, 2010 3:42 PM CDT up reply actions
I often mistake pictures for Civil War cannons, so I sympathize with the Lickliters.
It’s an honest error.
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
So what happens to all the "Our Todd is an Awesome Todd" T-shirts?
by Kinnick Stadium is my Graceland on Mar 30, 2010 12:56 PM CDT reply actions
I don't think they print the shirts until an order is placed.
So, nothing. Were any “Todd” shirts purchased?
by The Mexican't on Mar 30, 2010 1:03 PM CDT up reply actions
I was really tempted...
…but only b/c my name is Todd. But then I just never bothered anyway.
"Do a flip!" - Bender B. Rodriguez
by Bucketochicken on Mar 30, 2010 1:07 PM CDT up reply actions
How 'bout we change them
To “Our Fran is an Awesome Man”.
by KinnickNorthHawk on Mar 30, 2010 1:38 PM CDT up reply actions
Which praise song is that based on?
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 30, 2010 2:01 PM CDT up reply actions
How about
“Stand By Your Fran”?
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 30, 2010 2:02 PM CDT up reply actions
There it is
Before you respond, let me remind you: Brian Cook called me smug, which makes me the Obama of smugness. I'm basically Smugbama.
by Patrick Vint on Mar 30, 2010 2:05 PM CDT up reply actions
Tammy thanks you.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 30, 2010 2:07 PM CDT up reply actions
Or The Pixies' "Here Comes Your Fran"
Before you respond, let me remind you: Brian Cook called me smug, which makes me the Obama of smugness. I'm basically Smugbama.
by Patrick Vint on Mar 30, 2010 2:11 PM CDT up reply actions
Ooh! I like!
Way better than “Frantastic Voyage”. Although I will say the musical potential of a Ludacris-inspired “What’s Your Frantasy?” is rather alluring.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 30, 2010 2:28 PM CDT up reply actions
How about Mr. Francy Pants?
[that was awkward]
"I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later." M.H.
No, no, I think it's great
and that now would be the perfect time for you to begin your career as an internet shirt model.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 30, 2010 2:49 PM CDT up reply actions
Hey, Mr. Frantasy- Steve Winwood and Traffic
Who's leg do I have to hump to get a drink around here?-Brian
You are correct. And I love that song too.
Who's leg do I have to hump to get a drink around here?-Brian
My wife always rolls her eyes when I reference “Low Spark of High Heeled Boys”. But her taste in music is horrific so I ignore her.
If its not on a top 40 station
My wife has NO idea what it is.
Who's leg do I have to hump to get a drink around here?-Brian
FRANkenstein...
a la the Edgar Winter Group?
Excuse me for my bellicosity. And spelling. Bellicosity and spelling.
by Blackheartnopants on Mar 30, 2010 4:06 PM CDT up reply actions
"Frantasy Island" with McCaffery in the Mr. Roarke role?
If only Lil John was staying around to be Tattoo…
"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"
Could you also create a
“Marge and In Charge” t-shirt?
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 30, 2010 3:19 PM CDT up reply actions
Marge and In Charge gets my vote
"Well of course, there's nothing better than being American!!!" - Ricky Americanzi, Jan. 5th, 2010
by The Bacon Explosion on Mar 31, 2010 8:36 AM CDT up reply actions
Outside the box office waiting
Kinnick Stadium stands within view
Wintertime in Iowa’s a bitch
outside we wait ‘til faces turns blue
I know the empty arena
I know the dirty nets hang
No coaches want to come to Carver
we’re pretty much in nowhere plains
there is a wait so long
(At least Steve Alford’s gooooone)
here comes your Fran
Here comes your Fran
At this point, Iowa should just declare themselves the world's 1st professional wrestling team and give the rest of the NCAA a chance.
by CyHawk on Mar 30, 2010 5:07 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Well, that's pretty much perfect.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 30, 2010 5:58 PM CDT up reply actions
Awesome.
"BSD. LSD. Coincidence? Probably." - PurpleMonkeyDishwasher
by ReadingRambler on Mar 30, 2010 3:46 PM CDT up reply actions
Franfuckingtastic.
that’s my shirt.
"You're going to go out there with a dick full of confidence. Then, you're going to go out there and shoot that confidence all over the stadium." -Blue Mountain State
I am holding out for
“Franzi’s the Manzi”
by Black and Gold on Mar 31, 2010 12:16 AM CDT up reply actions
Vote Joe Pa
Never been a big Cornshoe fan.
by Internet Legend on Mar 30, 2010 2:20 PM CDT reply actions
Excuse me!?
Cornshoe created Zombie Lincoln, thus enabling the 16th President to take part in the wildly popular Thriller video (third row from the back, second from the left- – you can see his stovepipe hat later here and there… despite the tall thin frame he wasn’t a great dancer, but y’know, he abolished slavery, so…).
Besides Cornshoe helped Danny Murray to avoid being trampled and has actually touched J (Cap’t USA) Leman.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 30, 2010 3:10 PM CDT up reply actions
Thank you for your kind and generous support.
Plus I also blasted Tim Brewster leg off with the ol’ trusty cannon.
Yee-Haw! I ride again!
by Cornshoe Hammaker on Mar 30, 2010 3:16 PM CDT up reply actions
JoePa has won a national championship. Wait, two. Oh and several undefeated seasons.
But what’s important is that he beat Miami in 1986. What people don’t know is that Ronald Reagan had a bet with the Evil Empire that Penn State would win against the Evil Empire of football. Winner gots cold war victory, loser gts grain shortages and the Red Mafiya.
"BSD. LSD. Coincidence? Probably." - PurpleMonkeyDishwasher
by ReadingRambler on Mar 30, 2010 3:48 PM CDT up reply actions
In America you need bread to do lines,
in Soviet Russia you need to stand in line for bread. What a country!
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 30, 2010 6:10 PM CDT up reply actions
The Russian Reversal...
A very nice touch
by Erik Johnson on Mar 30, 2010 9:33 PM CDT up reply actions
Thank you, thank you.
You can see me perform when you’re next in Branson, MO. While you’re there, buy one of my paintings. I recommend the Laughing Jesus, which is only slightly better than my painting of a horse.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 31, 2010 9:53 AM CDT up reply actions
Laughing Jesus looks like...
a figure skater, for some reason.
"Do a flip!" - Bender B. Rodriguez
by Bucketochicken on Mar 31, 2010 10:39 AM CDT up reply actions
He walks on frozen water...
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 31, 2010 11:51 AM CDT up reply actions
Voting Franshoe
For doing to John Lickliter what I so desperately wanted to for most of last season.
Much as I like the Hammaker brothers
(triplets, err…how many of them are there?) I have to support JoePa.
The element of surprise is gone. Again. Again again. And that favors the old man who eats brains.
BRAIIIIINS!
It never gets to be easy
Any day with both Norm and Paterno in dialogue
is a good day. Having gotten that out of the way, there is only one Avenger, you small children, and she is Diana Rigg. If I had any computer capability at all, I would post the classic picture of Ms. Peel in full black leather jumpsuit. Heady, heady stuff for a small kid in the 60s. And she could roundhouse kick as well.
Honey, I think we should name our baby boy Pencilman. Yes, Pencilman Furious Lipschitz. Kinda just rolls off the tongue. Whaddaya think?
Yup. Avengers reference= black leather on a hot chick, not comics.
It took me a few seconds to realize why everyone started talking about The Hulk while I was fanticising about British (?) hotties of the 60s.
by Eyeheartfreedumb on Mar 31, 2010 2:15 PM CDT up reply actions
Probably because
there were only two characters in the British show and Cornshoe’s idea centered around 5 people (the same number who appeared in the comic book). Numbers are funny that way.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Mar 31, 2010 2:32 PM CDT up reply actions
Well to be fair,
Leftcoast does have a double Bell’s Palsy, so .1000 is actually pretty fucking awesome frantasatic.
"Do a flip!" - Bender B. Rodriguez
by Bucketochicken on Mar 30, 2010 6:16 PM CDT up reply actions
Its my kid that's the math genius
Not me. I’m a goode riter.
My blog: http://www.gretainthebox.com
by Leftcoast Hawk on Mar 30, 2010 6:51 PM CDT up reply actions
it's "righter" knucklehead
Man, the grammar on this board…
(sarcasm font)
"Well of course, there's nothing better than being American!!!" - Ricky Americanzi, Jan. 5th, 2010
by The Bacon Explosion on Mar 31, 2010 8:42 AM CDT up reply actions
"Developmentally stunted son"
actually made me laugh out loud.
by Angle's Dangle on Mar 30, 2010 10:12 PM CDT reply actions
This whole thread is a big wonderful pile of awesome
"There are only three certainties in college football: all players will eventually leave, the ACC will be bad, and Joe Paterno ", Clay Travis, CNNsi Fanhouse
Steaming too, maybe?
Master of the convoluted IOWA cheers!
by EnergizerHawk on Mar 31, 2010 10:56 PM CDT up reply actions
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