Scene: A spacious office with cardboard boxes everywhere. A middle-aged man and his son forlornly pack things away.
So you're not going to go to the press and tell them about how you got railroaded out of town, Dad?
Look. I know it would be superficially rewarding to get in front of as many cameras and tell people that I had to face the Big Ten with an arena that was just where a meteor hit a cemetery and my developmentally stunted son as the backup point guard and so where the hell was I actually going to find room to win any games.
I'm a late bloomer, Dad! It's your fault! You said you didn't even shave until you were 30!
You didn't see me playing in the Big Ten either. Look, point is, that might feel good for a bit, but that's life. Nothing ever goes as well as you hope, except for when you get to face Tim Brewster in football. It's just a fact of life, and the quicker you accept that, the more mature and...
(barges in) ...office is over here, Fran, and I'm sure that Lickliter's gone by nnnnn... oh boy.
(brains Barta with a picture frame)
I saw nothing. (turns around, walks away whistling)
But Dad, you just said...
Shut up and help me pack him into this shipping crate before he comes to. Mr. Barta's going to go on a little vacation.
Ha ha ha, awesome! You're the best Dad ever!
Yep. I think we're all done here.
(knocks) Hey, sorry for coming back. Is he... d-d-d... dead?
No, but we're going to ship him off to Fairbanks, Alaska so nobody can vote for him.
Good call. There's nothing in Fairbanks, Alaska.
Nope. I think we're all set, so good luck here, Fran. I know you'll do well with these guys.
I really appreciate it, Todd. Oh hey--you almost forgot a couple pictures behind you.
Oh, thanks. Wait--these aren't pictures at all...
(whips off disguise)
...these are Civil War cannons!
(heads fly off)
YEEEEEEE-HAW! Franshoe Hammaker can now avenge you, brother! And I've also indiscriminately killed my allies in your honor!
Well, that spiraled totally out of control. So, um, since Barta is Alaska-bound and the Lickliters just got fired, I think we've really only got one possible vote here. Wait, is JoePa still alive?
YES, ALTHOUGH I HAVE THE MOST TERRIFIC HEADACHE ON ACCOUNT OF MY SEAGRAMS AND METAMUCIL FROM THREE WEEKS AGO
ALSO I SOLD MY PANTS FOR A CAT THAT RAN AWAY
HERE CAT CAT CAT
That'll do. Let's vote.