MARCHIFORNICATION ROUND 2: JOE PATERNO VS. GARY BARTA

Scene: A spacious office with cardboard boxes everywhere. A middle-aged man and his son forlornly pack things away.

Iconliljon_medium So you're not going to go to the press and tell them about how you got railroaded out of town, Dad?

Licklitericon_medium Look. I know it would be superficially rewarding to get in front of as many cameras and tell people that I had to face the Big Ten with an arena that was just where a meteor hit a cemetery and my developmentally stunted son as the backup point guard and so where the hell was I actually going to find room to win any games.

Iconliljon_medium I'm a late bloomer, Dad! It's your fault! You said you didn't even shave until you were 30!

Licklitericon_medium You didn't see me playing in the Big Ten either. Look, point is, that might feel good for a bit, but that's life. Nothing ever goes as well as you hope, except for when you get to face Tim Brewster in football. It's just a fact of life, and the quicker you accept that, the more mature and...

Iconbarta_medium (barges in) ...office is over here, Fran, and I'm sure that Lickliter's gone by nnnnn... oh boy.

Licklitericon_medium ...well-adjusted... you'll...

Licklitericon_medium ...

Licklitericon_medium (brains Barta with a picture frame)

Iconmccaffrey_medium I saw nothing. (turns around, walks away whistling)

Iconliljon_medium But Dad, you just said...

Licklitericon_medium Shut up and help me pack him into this shipping crate before he comes to. Mr. Barta's going to go on a little vacation.

Iconliljon_medium Ha ha ha, awesome! You're the best Dad ever!

Licklitericon_medium Yep. I think we're all done here.

Iconmccaffrey_medium (knocks) Hey, sorry for coming back. Is he... d-d-d... dead?

Licklitericon_medium No, but we're going to ship him off to Fairbanks, Alaska so nobody can vote for him.

Iconmccaffrey_medium Good call. There's nothing in Fairbanks, Alaska.

Licklitericon_medium Nope. I think we're all set, so good luck here, Fran. I know you'll do well with these guys.

Iconmccaffrey_medium I really appreciate it, Todd. Oh hey--you almost forgot a couple pictures behind you.

Licklitericon_medium Oh, thanks. Wait--these aren't pictures at all...

Iconmccaffrey_medium (whips off disguise)

Iconliljon_medium ...these are Civil War cannons!

Iconcannon_medium Iconcannon_medium BOOMS

Licklitericon_medium Iconliljon_medium (heads fly off)

Iconcornshoes_medium YEEEEEEE-HAW! Franshoe Hammaker can now avenge you, brother! And I've also indiscriminately killed my allies in your honor!

Iconbhgp_medium Well, that spiraled totally out of control. So, um, since Barta is Alaska-bound and the Lickliters just got fired, I think we've really only got one possible vote here. Wait, is JoePa still alive?

Iconjoepa_medium YES, ALTHOUGH I HAVE THE MOST TERRIFIC HEADACHE ON ACCOUNT OF MY SEAGRAMS AND METAMUCIL FROM THREE WEEKS AGO

Iconjoepa_medium ALSO I SOLD MY PANTS FOR A CAT THAT RAN AWAY

Iconjoepa_medium HERE CAT CAT CAT

Iconbhgp_medium That'll do. Let's vote.

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Black Heart Gold Pants

You must be a member of Black Heart Gold Pants to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Black Heart Gold Pants. You should read them.

Join Black Heart Gold Pants

You must be a member of Black Heart Gold Pants to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Black Heart Gold Pants. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9347_tracker